Dating In The Dark
Title: Dating In The Dark
Author: cutxnoxcorners
Rating: PG
Pairing: Brendon and Ryan.
POV: First Person. Ryan's.
Summary: Is personality enough? Are looks everything?
Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue.
Author Notes: Based off this new TV show on ABC. I was watching it and it amused me so much that this just kind of happened. So title and plot taken from that. My BETA was my best friend, Megan, who doesn't use LJ. I don't have the best sentence structure because these are the buzz of Ryan's thoughts--it's not meant to make perfect sense.
As I sit here in the complete black of the interaction room, I still can’t believe that I let Jon talk me into this. I can’t believe I let him sign me up for this stupid show. I can’t believe I’m sitting here, waiting for someone I have to get to know in the dark. It’s completely insane when you think about it. What if he’s got the greatest personality, but is absolutely hideous? Or worse, if he’s a total dud, but really gorgeous? What if I can’t get over the fact that I’m so insecure about this whole situation that I just completely fail; by fail, I mean panic, freak out, run, I don’t know. But I know that somehow, I can fail this.
I’m almost so distracted with my thoughts that I don’t notice when the far door creeks open and closes behind someone. But I do notice, and I’m surprised that I can hear him moving over the pounding of the blood in my ears. And I’m scared; so scared because this isn’t me at all. This isn’t what I normally do-I definitely wouldn’t have been here if it had been my choice. I’m so completely beyond myself with worry. This just wasn’t going to work because I can’t possibly be myself in this situation.
“Hello?” I hear him ask, like he’s asking for a second time. I clear my throat quick and hear a rustle in my direction. “S-sorry, over here,” I manage without my voice completely cracking. And I don’t know what happened or what changed, but the soft chuckle that sounds through the room just makes things even more uncomfortable and comfortable at the same time. Don’t ask me how that works, because I definitely don’t know. “Where?” he asks as he shuffles across the floor; getting closer and closer to the couch where I’m sitting.
“Here,” I say again, surprising myself by reaching out in the direction of his voice to let him know exactly where I am. I flinch lightly when our hands touch, but he doesn’t let me pull away. In fact, he tightens his fingers around my hand and moves forward until he finds the couch and sits down beside me. “There you are,” he says and I swear, I can hear the smile in his voice. He must be happy to be here. Must like the adventure of it, of meeting someone he can’t see or something.
I nod, though I know he can’t see it because this room is so fucking black. I didn’t even think it was possible to be this completely dark. I can’t see my hand no matter how close I get it to my face-and believe me, I’ve done it dozens of times already. “Here I am,” I say and I definitely don’t sound enthusiastic in the slightest. Instead of asking me what’s wrong, he reaches up to squeeze my shoulder and I’m strangely comforted by this.
I already know his name and what he does for a living-I’ve already been filled in on this as have the other two contestants on my side of the house. I’ve already been in this dark room with him, but with the two contestants I know face to face and two from his side of the house that I don’t. But that’s the whole point of this. Do looks really matter? Can personality be enough in the end? And I’m not sure if I’m worried about being rejected for my looks. I’m not bad looking as far as I know, hell, I’d even chance it to say I’m pretty damn good looking. I’m scared about letting someone in enough to know the real me and not the guarded part I choose to put out there. I’m scared that he’ll be the sweetest boy I’ve ever met and if he doesn’t meet my expectations, that I’ll walk away from him and ruin my chance at something great. I’m worried about not knowing what to do or what to expect. I wish I was anywhere else but on this couch with him.
“Ryan,” he says when I continue to stay silent. And he doesn’t sound upset or turned off; it’s really the complete opposite. He sounds almost intrigued or maybe it’s determined to get me to talk. Maybe I fascinate him because I’m shy and quiet, but that isn’t me either. I know I’m guarded and I know I’m reserved, but I can be proper, and outspoken, and rude-though I don’t like to admit it. And that’s really who I am…but maybe that’s showing as it is definitely rude not to say a single word to the boy I’m supposed to be trying to date.
Dating in the dark, what a stupid idea. Again, I remind myself to kill Jon when I get out of this house.
I swallow and try to work up the courage to say something-anything-and take a deep breath. “Yeah?” I ask. He laughs and any confidence I’d just gained is gone. He’s laughing at me and in the dark I don’t know if he’s poking fun or simply amused, but either way I’m completely embarrassed. I shift away from him and he reaches out to touch me again. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-“ I cut him off, mumbling, “It’s okay.” I’m facing the opposite direction now because this wasn’t a good idea. This is stupid and it’s not going to work. I still don’t know how Jon managed to talk me into it. I’m an idiot. I’m not meant to be in a relationship.
I hear him sigh and shift…closer to me. I flinch again as his hand touches me and lower my gaze to look down at where I know my lap is. “You don’t need to hide from me,” he says and his fingers are in my hair. Surprisingly, they’re calming and I’m relaxing again. It’s an odd feeling for me because I’m not even comfortable with Jon all the time and he’s my best friend. I nod a bit, but don’t say anything. “I want to get to know you, Ryan. I’m not interested in either of the other two. But there’s something about you that I am incredibly attracted to.” I surprise myself by lifting my head up and looking in his direction. “I don’t understand you, Brendon,” I say and he laughs again, but I don’t get offended this time.
The next half hour is spent by me talking about myself-sharing things I never thought I’d ever be able to share with anyone. And I don’t know how it was as easy as it was because I don’t even know who this person is. I don’t know where he comes from or what he does for a living. I don’t know what he likes to do or what his goals are. And maybe that’s because we’ve talked about me the whole time. By the end, I realize that Brendon is everything I’ve needed. That this is more than coincidence that we ended up getting paired together as “most compatible.” There’s something stronger behind all of this that is pulling us together. I’m not religious enough to believe that its fate or destiny, but I can’t say its just luck.
It’s just about time for us to head back to our respective wings of the house and I don’t want to go, but he gets up and I know we have to. I sigh and wait for him to walk off, but he doesn’t. He gropes around in the dark for a moment-hitting my knee and my shoulder until he finds my hand. I let him lift me to my feet before he raises my hand to his lips and softly kisses the back of it. “I think you’re amazing Ryan Ross. I assure you, you’re my pick for all future dates,” he says and I’m significantly reassured by it. Thank god he can’t see how bad I’m blushing. I give a soft laugh and drop my hand back to my side as he lets it go and leaves the room.
Maybe this was a good idea after all. I’ll have to remember to hug Jon…if all goes well.
But things don’t exactly go well after that. And it’s not Brendon…it’s everyone else. The next day, I end up getting picked by all three of the guys on the other side of the house. Not only does that make me incredibly nervous, it also pisses off the two men I share a wing with. They don’t say the nicest things behind my back-when they think I can’t hear them, but I can-and I don’t understand why this is my fault. They say I try and be “mysterious” to get the guys, but I’m not playing any games. I am shy and quiet and if that comes off as “mysterious” then I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to be any other way.
And to make it worse, Brendon is my last date. I don’t know if I can make it through two unfamiliar people and get to him without being a complete wreck. But I’m okay when I enter the dark room for my first date. It’s with a “tall, very handsome sales man from Chicago.” At least, that’s what he tells me. And I know he’s tall because I’m fairly tall myself and he towers over me. My stomach does extremely nervous flips and I’m almost to the point of panicking and walking out on him. He talks about himself the whole time and then asks me some very basic questions about myself. I answer him in a quiet voice and try not to think about how uncomfortable I am. And just as we’re nearing the end of the date-our time limit has to be up soon, right?-he makes a move.
I completely panic; scrambling backwards until I fall off the couch. But he’s still moving towards me. He doesn’t stop and logically I know he’s worried now and just trying to help me up. I mean, I shouldn’t be responding like this, but I can’t help myself. I haven’t had a physical relationship with anyone in so long that I’m not ready for some guy I barely know to try and kiss me. I mumble and few apologies and leave the room almost in tears. I’m so pathetic. This is awful…I can’t do it again. I can’t go on another date, but I know that if I don’t, I won’t get my time with Brendon. It’s the rules; I can’t forfeit one date without cancelling both. So I reluctantly force myself to calm down before I have to go back in that room. …Maybe I should warn the next guy.
When I get in there for the second time, I’m even more scared than the first time. I sit as far away from him on the couch as I possibly can. He seems to notice and doesn’t try to touch me. He introduces himself as Spencer-and I honestly can’t even remember the first guy’s name…and I don’t want to-and I nod and give him my name. There’s something different about him. He’s nice and respectful, but I know from the beginning that there’s no romantic connection. Not like the spark I have with Brendon. Okay, maybe it’s more than that, but I don’t want to scare myself before I even get to “see” him again.
Spencer and I talk easily. I find him easy to confide in and I like that a lot. In the end, we both decide that it isn’t going to work between us as anything more than friends. We manage to exchange phone numbers and promise to keep in touch. He’s also from California, and isn’t too far away. It’ll be nice to have some new friends. Jon would be proud of me. He asks before he gives me a hug and I am significantly relaxed as he head back to our respective wings. I’m ready to see Brendon again. Maybe this isn’t all completely down hill.
I know he’s not in the room when I get there-after taking a shower and changing into what I think are my best clothes…not that it really matters. I make myself comfortable on the couch and wait. He doesn’t keep me waiting long and I find that I’m smiling when he walks in. He says “hello” and takes the seat beside me. Maybe I’m still a little nervous after that first guy, though Spencer helped me calm down a lot. He reaches out to find my cheek and brush his thumb across it. I let him-even lean into it, which seems to amuse him as he snorts, but then moves a little closer. “What’s troubling you?” he asks and maybe he’s like the most perfect person in the world. He knows me better than I know myself, I think, which is unnerving and exciting at the same time.
I don’t say anything. I don’t know how to explain to him that the mere thought of being physical with anyone scares me half to death. I don’t want to explain why, because I’m not sure I know the answer myself. At one point, I could have probably told a long story about how my mother hadn’t been around much and my dad was an abusive alcoholic, but that wasn’t it anymore. It had been long enough that I got over that. I got over boyfriends who cheated on me and those who used me for sex. Maybe it was simply that I didn’t like people all that much. Not even as friends. I had very few and it’d been that way as long as I could remember. Even before all the previously mentioned troubles.
“I freaked out. He tried to kiss me and I just…didn’t know what to do,” I finally say because Brendon hasn’t done anything but wait and I know I want to tell him. I want to make him understand because maybe I’ll be able to understand it myself. He’s sitting so close that I can feel him tense up. And maybe I’m worried that he’s mad that I don’t want to kiss anyone. I’m not thinking logically, I’m just thinking that I just messed up my only chance at a relationship. So as my socially awkwardness allows, I try to defend myself by rambling, “I just didn’t know, I mean, I didn’t want to kiss him because I don’t know him. And I didn’t like him that way. And, and I don’t know how to be with someone. I’m not used to it. I’m not comfortable enough with myself to do that.” Finally, he stops me by saying my name a few times-it takes a few because I’m still rambling as he raises his voice to get my attention. “What?” I finally ask, like I don’t realize that I’m spitting out nothing but nonsense-but I do realize.
And he doesn’t seem angry…but he still doesn’t say anything. It’s making me nervous all over again. Maybe he doesn’t want me. Maybe I scared him off…even if he’s still sitting here next to me. “A-are you mad?” I ask, because he’s still a little tense. I don’t really know what to make of it. He sighs and I hear the rustle of his clothes as he shakes his head. “No, Ryan, I’m not mad…at you,” he says and fumbles in the dark to take my hand, “I’m mad at him. Which one was it?” And I’m relieved…but at the same time, I don’t want to tell him who it is. I’m not dumb enough to think that he won’t be able to figure it out. I’m also not dumb enough to say that I can’t remember his name, because Brendon knows them both. It’s not Brendon himself and it’s not Spencer…that only leaves one person. I just don’t want to start anything.
I shake my head and find myself against his shoulder-burying my face into his shirt. He’s got a nice smell to him; the scent of his cologne isn’t overpowering the soft fragrance of the detergent he uses to clean his clothes. And he’s warm. I want to be closer to him-like I’ve never really been with a single person in my life; like I’ve never allowed myself to be. He doesn’t press the issue. He doesn’t make me tell him. I’m only aware of his arm around my shoulder and gently holding me against him. Brendon doesn’t make any moves. He doesn’t try to get me to be anyone other than who I am. He trusts that I’ll change when I’m ready. I’ll do things when I want to; when I’m comfortable.
“I get to see you tomorrow…” he says, breaking the silence after a few minutes. I nod, moving myself closer and pressing against his side. I can’t say I’m not worried about that. I can’t say I don’t fear that he won’t like what he’ll see even though I know I’m not a bad looking guy. I can’t say I’m not scared that I won’t like what I see. I’m shallow-I’ll admit it right now. To be completely honest, I can’t imagine having a relationship with someone that I can’t stand to look it. It’s not that I don’t understand flaws and imperfections because no one is perfect. I’m not going to find the perfect guy, but I’m just scared that Brendon will come so close to breaking down my walls and I’ll turn away from him because I can’t stand to look at him every day for the rest of our lives.
And, OhMyGod, I’m getting /way/ ahead of myself. I’m not in this for marriage! I’m just trying to find someone I’m not terrified to talk to! I don’t even know where that came from. Brendon and marriage and me…and no. That just couldn’t work. I could never be that comfortable with someone. I could never fall in love…I don’t think I’m built that way. I’m probably not capable. My old “friends” in high school used to tease me that I was incapable of human emotions and I’ve believed them up until this point. Because what else could it be? How else have I managed to drive off every single person in my life? My mum obviously didn’t care about me. My dad didn’t want me. My friends found cooler people to hang out with. My boyfriends found better fucks. And now I’m here…trying to find someone on a literal blind date because I probably can’t get anyone else.
I’ve moved completely into his lap at this point. I don’t realize that I’m almost whimpering against his chest as I cling to his shirt. It’s got to be something mental-Oh! I haven’t scared him away yet…let’s see if this works! I’m such a fucking idiot. Maybe they should just take me out back and execute me by firing squad. But Brendon doesn’t seem to care. In fact, he’s whispering into my ear and assuring me that it’s going to be okay. Assuring me that he doesn’t care what baggage I come with. Assuring me that he likes me and he doesn’t plan on letting it end here. I’m touched…by his generosity, his understanding, his compassion. I’ve known very little of that. And the tears sliding down my cheeks assure me that I am human…that I am capable of emotion.
He leans down to whisper /very/ quietly, “I will wait for you. No matter what.” He’s not supposed to. We’re not supposed to discuss the end of this. After we see each other for a brief moment in the light, we have to make the decision to see each other or not. He might get in trouble if the cameras picked that up, but I don’t think that they did. I tilt my head back and reach up to find his cheek. In my head, I’m talking myself up to this-to kiss him. I want to do it. I want to be closer to him. I’m leaning closer to him. But I never get there. Not because I can’t, but because he won’t let me. “Ryan,” he said gently and takes a sharp inhale, “don’t.” I’m hurt. I feel completely crushed. I finally manage to open myself up to someone and I get shot down. I don’t understand it. Why me, why always fucking me?
“O-okay,” I manage as I feel more tears on my cheeks and a familiar emotion fills me. I try to pull away from him and he won’t let me. I’m confused and still hurt and he’s not helping. I just want to get away. His words don’t make any sense anymore. He wouldn’t reject me if he wanted me, he’s just fucking with my head. Like everyone else, he’s in it for himself. “Ryan, stop. Don’t go, I didn’t mean it like that,” he says with firm arms around me. And I stop struggling, because I’m too upset and I honestly don’t want to leave him. I care more than I thought I could. I like him more than I thought possible. This is all just a mess. But he’s not done talking. “I want to kiss you. God, do I want to. But I can’t kiss you with the possibility that I won’t ever get to again. That’ll it’ll be our first and last. I can’t do it,” he says and suddenly I’m all ears. I want to know what he’s thinking because we haven’t done much talking about him…he’s been far more interested in me.
He keeps talking and I manage a weak smile. But his voice continues to lower so the cameras can’t hear. “I’ll kiss you, if you promise me that you’ll be there. Promise me that I won’t be alone on that balcony, because I can’t have you and then lose you.” But I can’t promise him. I’ve learned that I can’t make promises if I’m not one hundred percent sure that I can keep them. And I’m not one hundred percent sure. I really, really like Brendon. I want to be with him after this show is over. I want to kiss him and finally be happy, but if he’s not at least an average Joe…I don’t know if I can do it. It makes me sick that I’m that vain and I wish more than anything in the world that I could change that part of me for him, but I can’t. So I just have to pray to whatever God that hasn’t been here for me so far…that he’ll be here for me now and help me choose to be with Brendon no matter what…that or make him cute.
“Brendon, I can’t,” I say and immediately there’s a change in the room. I’ve upset him and it hurts me to know that I have. He hasn’t done anything but give me the chance I never had. He hasn’t done anything but want me without any concerns for my past or future. He’s been incredible and I can’t make him a promise, despite the fact that I want to be standing there with him, because I’m a shallow asshole. “B-but I’ll try. I will, I promise you that…” It’s a shitty promise, but I can keep it. He nods and presses a kiss to my forehead-when he finds it-before mumbling something about how it’s time to go. I still think he’s upset, but he strokes my cheek and helps me up. He squeezes my hand before letting me go and exiting back to his own side of the house.
When I get back to my side of the house, I don’t talk to my two roommates. I don’t need to hear about their dates. I don’t want them to ask me about mine. So I head straight to bed because tomorrow is going to take a lot out of me. I’m going to be so emotionally stressed that I might throw up when the lights go on. That’ll be a pretty sight. But his words echo in my head. I will wait for you. No matter what. I smile and wonder if that includes me throwing up on his shoes or something. And somehow…because it’s Brendon, I know it does. I’m asleep faster than I thought possible and wake up the next morning with a knot in my stomach, but feeling confident now that I can do this.
Things are quiet around the house until our game show host comes barging in and involves us in a little game to see how well we know our partner… This can’t be good. I suddenly realize that I don’t know all the much about Brendon. I know he’s from Las Vegas. I know he plays every instrument under the sun. I know he worked at Smoothie Hut during high school and got beat up for being gay and loves his Mormon parents despite their constant disapproval of his sexuality. But I don’t know everything. Thankfully, this game is different. Well, maybe it’s a curse. An artist comes in to ask us some questions about our partner. What his hair is like. And his eyes. And his smile. And his nose. And in the end…I’m looking down at the picture of a man who I recognize. Well, not exactly. But there’s something familiar about him and I know it’s because this is my Brendon. This is the Brendon with his soft, puppy eyes and pouting lips that makes me want to trust him. This is the Brendon that holds me and assures me that he’s not like the others; that he wants to take care of me. And maybe this isn’t exactly what he looks like, but I’m more ready to see him than I was before.
Our host takes the drawings much to my displeasure. I wanted to look at it a little longer, want to see him, but I know that the sooner we trade the pictures, the sooner I’ll get to see him in the light. But I’m suddenly nervous…because I’m going to find out how he pictures me. My heart jumps when our host is back and hands us the pictures. I’m almost too scared to look at mine, but I know I have to. So I flip it over and find a guy…that isn’t me. It’s not bad, though. He’s got this look in his eyes that scares me to think that Brendon believes I’m that haunted…but I know I am. But at the same time, he has my smile…I think. He’s not perfect and he’s not me, but Brendon isn’t completely off. At least he didn’t make me this incredibly handsome person just so I can disappoint him in person. I’m pretty relieved.
We get more down time and I spend it studying the picture he had drawn of me. I wonder if the artist actually drew it like he wanted it. If this is what he really thinks I look like. He seems to think my nose is a little bigger than it really is; but that’s not a bad thing. And my hair looks a lot like I just woke up, but it’s rather amusing. I laugh at the t-shirt I’m drawn in because I’ve never worn a plain t-shirt with him. I’ve worn one with a vest and a vest with a button-up, but never just a t-shirt. That’ll be a bit of a surprise. But the picture catches my attention. It’s a play off the Beatles at Abbey Road. I smile because he did it on purpose. And the more that I look at the picture, the more I realize that it is me. It’s all me; on the inside.
“Time to go,” the host says as my roommates and I gather in our living room. “You will each go into the dark room with the person on the picture in front of you. There you will see each other in the light and come back here to make your decision. Are looks truly everything? Is personality enough?” I listen, but I’m not completely into it. But I definitely hear his words. Is personality enough? I know it should be…but will it be? I’m first. He says it twice before I’m out of my seat and walking down the hall and into the dark room.
There are two “X’s” on the floor in glowing tape to show where we need to stand. I take my spot and look over at the other. Brendon isn’t here yet, but I would have known if he were the minute I walked in. He doesn’t take long to take his place and we wait. I don’t know which light is going to go on first and I honestly hope it’s mine just in case he isn’t /at all/ what I expect and I make a face or something when my light goes on after his. And in the end, the light suddenly shines above me.
I feel so exposed. He doesn’t make any noise because I know he’s not allowed to, but the silence is completely unnerving like everything else I’ve done in this house. I sigh and bite my lip. It feels like the spotlight is on forever, but then it’s gone and I’m in the dark again. I start to wonder if I looked like a total dork. Hopefully he doesn’t think that. Hopefully he’ll keep his promise and be standing there…even if I still can’t say if I will be or not. But then his light shines and I can see him.
He’s nothing like what I expected… He’s got the dark, unruly hair like I thought, but everything else takes me by surprise. I gasp, because I can’t help myself. It’s quiet, but he smiles and blows me a kiss. My cheeks go red because he’s absolutely gorgeous. His brown eyes are softer and sparkle in a way I hadn’t imagined. His lips are fuller than I’d realized and I can tell he has one hell of an adorable pout. I don’t have long to look and he’s in the dark again. We’re supposed to leave…we have to leave, but I want to tell him right there that I’ll be there. That every emotion I felt for him was intensified when I finally saw how much he really cared. How I could see it in his eyes clearer than his worry that I won’t show up.
I leave without telling him, though. And I feel bad that he can’t feel as amazing as I do because we’re going to end up together. This is going to work out. He’s going to be standing there waiting for me because he wants me and I want him. I can’t wait until the next day. Again, I don’t say a word to my roommates because I don’t care. All I want to do is sleep. I’d slept a lot in the past couple of days, but it was only to pass the time until I could leave this stupid house and start a new chapter of my life. And for once…I’m excited for what tomorrow will bring. I don’t really want to wait, but I know it’ll be worth it.
The next morning I’m relatively calm. I have this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that’s got me nervous about everything really working out, but I remember his words. He’ll be there. I just…can’t see him not being there. Not after everything he went through with me already. It’s alright. It’s all going to be okay. So I get up and get ready. I glance at the clock and know that I only have a half hour to get ready as I have to be on the patio by nine…or walking out the front door. But I don’t intend on leaving without him. If I do…I’ll never get the chance to show him how much I have enjoyed his company. How much I trust him. Or how much that trust means to me.
I smile at myself in the mirror and feel dumb for it, but laugh and walk back into the bedroom. My roommates have already left…I can’t say I know what the outcome of their time here was. I almost hope Spencer goes home alone, but only because he’s too sweet to get stuck with either of the two idiots I shared this house with. My stuff is all packed to go after I make my appearance and as I climb the stairs to the second floor patio…I cross my fingers and pray to God that he’s standing on the other side of the door.
So I open the door, because I can’t wait any longer. And he’s standing there; looking over the balcony at the door below…as if he’s worried I’m going to appear through that door instead. I smile lightly and just stand there, slightly awkwardly until he turns around. The smile on his face is enough to make mine grow and step forward towards him. He seems frozen in place and I can’t help but laugh a little before moving all the way over to him and easily finding myself comfortable against him. His arms wrap around me like this is the most natural thing in the world, and god, it really does feel that way.
“You came,” he says, reaching a hand up to fondly stroke my hair. I nod against his shirt and tilt my head back to look up at him. I can see it in his eyes that he had truly been worried that I wouldn’t show. “Brendon…I’ve never, ever felt this way about someone before. I’ve never trusted anyone like this and I swear that if you-“ He stops me. “Ryan, Ryan, I’m not going to hurt you. I’ve never felt this way either and it’s scary, but it’s going to be okay.” I nod again and smile up at him. He has this way of making me feel completely safe and secure even though everything from my past tells me that this is all a bad idea. But I can’t ignore the feelings I have for him and I can’t stay away from him.
He tilts his head down and I know exactly what he wants, but he’s giving me the choice. He’s letting me decide if I’m ready for this or not. I let him wait there a moment before I’m moving closer and pressing our lips together. The pace is slow and he’s so careful, but that’s exactly what I need. I couldn’t care less about my worries anymore because I’m falling completely head over heels for this boy and he’s right here to catch me.
Author: cutxnoxcorners
Rating: PG
Pairing: Brendon and Ryan.
POV: First Person. Ryan's.
Summary: Is personality enough? Are looks everything?
Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue.
Author Notes: Based off this new TV show on ABC. I was watching it and it amused me so much that this just kind of happened. So title and plot taken from that. My BETA was my best friend, Megan, who doesn't use LJ. I don't have the best sentence structure because these are the buzz of Ryan's thoughts--it's not meant to make perfect sense.
As I sit here in the complete black of the interaction room, I still can’t believe that I let Jon talk me into this. I can’t believe I let him sign me up for this stupid show. I can’t believe I’m sitting here, waiting for someone I have to get to know in the dark. It’s completely insane when you think about it. What if he’s got the greatest personality, but is absolutely hideous? Or worse, if he’s a total dud, but really gorgeous? What if I can’t get over the fact that I’m so insecure about this whole situation that I just completely fail; by fail, I mean panic, freak out, run, I don’t know. But I know that somehow, I can fail this.
I’m almost so distracted with my thoughts that I don’t notice when the far door creeks open and closes behind someone. But I do notice, and I’m surprised that I can hear him moving over the pounding of the blood in my ears. And I’m scared; so scared because this isn’t me at all. This isn’t what I normally do-I definitely wouldn’t have been here if it had been my choice. I’m so completely beyond myself with worry. This just wasn’t going to work because I can’t possibly be myself in this situation.
“Hello?” I hear him ask, like he’s asking for a second time. I clear my throat quick and hear a rustle in my direction. “S-sorry, over here,” I manage without my voice completely cracking. And I don’t know what happened or what changed, but the soft chuckle that sounds through the room just makes things even more uncomfortable and comfortable at the same time. Don’t ask me how that works, because I definitely don’t know. “Where?” he asks as he shuffles across the floor; getting closer and closer to the couch where I’m sitting.
“Here,” I say again, surprising myself by reaching out in the direction of his voice to let him know exactly where I am. I flinch lightly when our hands touch, but he doesn’t let me pull away. In fact, he tightens his fingers around my hand and moves forward until he finds the couch and sits down beside me. “There you are,” he says and I swear, I can hear the smile in his voice. He must be happy to be here. Must like the adventure of it, of meeting someone he can’t see or something.
I nod, though I know he can’t see it because this room is so fucking black. I didn’t even think it was possible to be this completely dark. I can’t see my hand no matter how close I get it to my face-and believe me, I’ve done it dozens of times already. “Here I am,” I say and I definitely don’t sound enthusiastic in the slightest. Instead of asking me what’s wrong, he reaches up to squeeze my shoulder and I’m strangely comforted by this.
I already know his name and what he does for a living-I’ve already been filled in on this as have the other two contestants on my side of the house. I’ve already been in this dark room with him, but with the two contestants I know face to face and two from his side of the house that I don’t. But that’s the whole point of this. Do looks really matter? Can personality be enough in the end? And I’m not sure if I’m worried about being rejected for my looks. I’m not bad looking as far as I know, hell, I’d even chance it to say I’m pretty damn good looking. I’m scared about letting someone in enough to know the real me and not the guarded part I choose to put out there. I’m scared that he’ll be the sweetest boy I’ve ever met and if he doesn’t meet my expectations, that I’ll walk away from him and ruin my chance at something great. I’m worried about not knowing what to do or what to expect. I wish I was anywhere else but on this couch with him.
“Ryan,” he says when I continue to stay silent. And he doesn’t sound upset or turned off; it’s really the complete opposite. He sounds almost intrigued or maybe it’s determined to get me to talk. Maybe I fascinate him because I’m shy and quiet, but that isn’t me either. I know I’m guarded and I know I’m reserved, but I can be proper, and outspoken, and rude-though I don’t like to admit it. And that’s really who I am…but maybe that’s showing as it is definitely rude not to say a single word to the boy I’m supposed to be trying to date.
Dating in the dark, what a stupid idea. Again, I remind myself to kill Jon when I get out of this house.
I swallow and try to work up the courage to say something-anything-and take a deep breath. “Yeah?” I ask. He laughs and any confidence I’d just gained is gone. He’s laughing at me and in the dark I don’t know if he’s poking fun or simply amused, but either way I’m completely embarrassed. I shift away from him and he reaches out to touch me again. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-“ I cut him off, mumbling, “It’s okay.” I’m facing the opposite direction now because this wasn’t a good idea. This is stupid and it’s not going to work. I still don’t know how Jon managed to talk me into it. I’m an idiot. I’m not meant to be in a relationship.
I hear him sigh and shift…closer to me. I flinch again as his hand touches me and lower my gaze to look down at where I know my lap is. “You don’t need to hide from me,” he says and his fingers are in my hair. Surprisingly, they’re calming and I’m relaxing again. It’s an odd feeling for me because I’m not even comfortable with Jon all the time and he’s my best friend. I nod a bit, but don’t say anything. “I want to get to know you, Ryan. I’m not interested in either of the other two. But there’s something about you that I am incredibly attracted to.” I surprise myself by lifting my head up and looking in his direction. “I don’t understand you, Brendon,” I say and he laughs again, but I don’t get offended this time.
The next half hour is spent by me talking about myself-sharing things I never thought I’d ever be able to share with anyone. And I don’t know how it was as easy as it was because I don’t even know who this person is. I don’t know where he comes from or what he does for a living. I don’t know what he likes to do or what his goals are. And maybe that’s because we’ve talked about me the whole time. By the end, I realize that Brendon is everything I’ve needed. That this is more than coincidence that we ended up getting paired together as “most compatible.” There’s something stronger behind all of this that is pulling us together. I’m not religious enough to believe that its fate or destiny, but I can’t say its just luck.
It’s just about time for us to head back to our respective wings of the house and I don’t want to go, but he gets up and I know we have to. I sigh and wait for him to walk off, but he doesn’t. He gropes around in the dark for a moment-hitting my knee and my shoulder until he finds my hand. I let him lift me to my feet before he raises my hand to his lips and softly kisses the back of it. “I think you’re amazing Ryan Ross. I assure you, you’re my pick for all future dates,” he says and I’m significantly reassured by it. Thank god he can’t see how bad I’m blushing. I give a soft laugh and drop my hand back to my side as he lets it go and leaves the room.
Maybe this was a good idea after all. I’ll have to remember to hug Jon…if all goes well.
But things don’t exactly go well after that. And it’s not Brendon…it’s everyone else. The next day, I end up getting picked by all three of the guys on the other side of the house. Not only does that make me incredibly nervous, it also pisses off the two men I share a wing with. They don’t say the nicest things behind my back-when they think I can’t hear them, but I can-and I don’t understand why this is my fault. They say I try and be “mysterious” to get the guys, but I’m not playing any games. I am shy and quiet and if that comes off as “mysterious” then I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to be any other way.
And to make it worse, Brendon is my last date. I don’t know if I can make it through two unfamiliar people and get to him without being a complete wreck. But I’m okay when I enter the dark room for my first date. It’s with a “tall, very handsome sales man from Chicago.” At least, that’s what he tells me. And I know he’s tall because I’m fairly tall myself and he towers over me. My stomach does extremely nervous flips and I’m almost to the point of panicking and walking out on him. He talks about himself the whole time and then asks me some very basic questions about myself. I answer him in a quiet voice and try not to think about how uncomfortable I am. And just as we’re nearing the end of the date-our time limit has to be up soon, right?-he makes a move.
I completely panic; scrambling backwards until I fall off the couch. But he’s still moving towards me. He doesn’t stop and logically I know he’s worried now and just trying to help me up. I mean, I shouldn’t be responding like this, but I can’t help myself. I haven’t had a physical relationship with anyone in so long that I’m not ready for some guy I barely know to try and kiss me. I mumble and few apologies and leave the room almost in tears. I’m so pathetic. This is awful…I can’t do it again. I can’t go on another date, but I know that if I don’t, I won’t get my time with Brendon. It’s the rules; I can’t forfeit one date without cancelling both. So I reluctantly force myself to calm down before I have to go back in that room. …Maybe I should warn the next guy.
When I get in there for the second time, I’m even more scared than the first time. I sit as far away from him on the couch as I possibly can. He seems to notice and doesn’t try to touch me. He introduces himself as Spencer-and I honestly can’t even remember the first guy’s name…and I don’t want to-and I nod and give him my name. There’s something different about him. He’s nice and respectful, but I know from the beginning that there’s no romantic connection. Not like the spark I have with Brendon. Okay, maybe it’s more than that, but I don’t want to scare myself before I even get to “see” him again.
Spencer and I talk easily. I find him easy to confide in and I like that a lot. In the end, we both decide that it isn’t going to work between us as anything more than friends. We manage to exchange phone numbers and promise to keep in touch. He’s also from California, and isn’t too far away. It’ll be nice to have some new friends. Jon would be proud of me. He asks before he gives me a hug and I am significantly relaxed as he head back to our respective wings. I’m ready to see Brendon again. Maybe this isn’t all completely down hill.
I know he’s not in the room when I get there-after taking a shower and changing into what I think are my best clothes…not that it really matters. I make myself comfortable on the couch and wait. He doesn’t keep me waiting long and I find that I’m smiling when he walks in. He says “hello” and takes the seat beside me. Maybe I’m still a little nervous after that first guy, though Spencer helped me calm down a lot. He reaches out to find my cheek and brush his thumb across it. I let him-even lean into it, which seems to amuse him as he snorts, but then moves a little closer. “What’s troubling you?” he asks and maybe he’s like the most perfect person in the world. He knows me better than I know myself, I think, which is unnerving and exciting at the same time.
I don’t say anything. I don’t know how to explain to him that the mere thought of being physical with anyone scares me half to death. I don’t want to explain why, because I’m not sure I know the answer myself. At one point, I could have probably told a long story about how my mother hadn’t been around much and my dad was an abusive alcoholic, but that wasn’t it anymore. It had been long enough that I got over that. I got over boyfriends who cheated on me and those who used me for sex. Maybe it was simply that I didn’t like people all that much. Not even as friends. I had very few and it’d been that way as long as I could remember. Even before all the previously mentioned troubles.
“I freaked out. He tried to kiss me and I just…didn’t know what to do,” I finally say because Brendon hasn’t done anything but wait and I know I want to tell him. I want to make him understand because maybe I’ll be able to understand it myself. He’s sitting so close that I can feel him tense up. And maybe I’m worried that he’s mad that I don’t want to kiss anyone. I’m not thinking logically, I’m just thinking that I just messed up my only chance at a relationship. So as my socially awkwardness allows, I try to defend myself by rambling, “I just didn’t know, I mean, I didn’t want to kiss him because I don’t know him. And I didn’t like him that way. And, and I don’t know how to be with someone. I’m not used to it. I’m not comfortable enough with myself to do that.” Finally, he stops me by saying my name a few times-it takes a few because I’m still rambling as he raises his voice to get my attention. “What?” I finally ask, like I don’t realize that I’m spitting out nothing but nonsense-but I do realize.
And he doesn’t seem angry…but he still doesn’t say anything. It’s making me nervous all over again. Maybe he doesn’t want me. Maybe I scared him off…even if he’s still sitting here next to me. “A-are you mad?” I ask, because he’s still a little tense. I don’t really know what to make of it. He sighs and I hear the rustle of his clothes as he shakes his head. “No, Ryan, I’m not mad…at you,” he says and fumbles in the dark to take my hand, “I’m mad at him. Which one was it?” And I’m relieved…but at the same time, I don’t want to tell him who it is. I’m not dumb enough to think that he won’t be able to figure it out. I’m also not dumb enough to say that I can’t remember his name, because Brendon knows them both. It’s not Brendon himself and it’s not Spencer…that only leaves one person. I just don’t want to start anything.
I shake my head and find myself against his shoulder-burying my face into his shirt. He’s got a nice smell to him; the scent of his cologne isn’t overpowering the soft fragrance of the detergent he uses to clean his clothes. And he’s warm. I want to be closer to him-like I’ve never really been with a single person in my life; like I’ve never allowed myself to be. He doesn’t press the issue. He doesn’t make me tell him. I’m only aware of his arm around my shoulder and gently holding me against him. Brendon doesn’t make any moves. He doesn’t try to get me to be anyone other than who I am. He trusts that I’ll change when I’m ready. I’ll do things when I want to; when I’m comfortable.
“I get to see you tomorrow…” he says, breaking the silence after a few minutes. I nod, moving myself closer and pressing against his side. I can’t say I’m not worried about that. I can’t say I don’t fear that he won’t like what he’ll see even though I know I’m not a bad looking guy. I can’t say I’m not scared that I won’t like what I see. I’m shallow-I’ll admit it right now. To be completely honest, I can’t imagine having a relationship with someone that I can’t stand to look it. It’s not that I don’t understand flaws and imperfections because no one is perfect. I’m not going to find the perfect guy, but I’m just scared that Brendon will come so close to breaking down my walls and I’ll turn away from him because I can’t stand to look at him every day for the rest of our lives.
And, OhMyGod, I’m getting /way/ ahead of myself. I’m not in this for marriage! I’m just trying to find someone I’m not terrified to talk to! I don’t even know where that came from. Brendon and marriage and me…and no. That just couldn’t work. I could never be that comfortable with someone. I could never fall in love…I don’t think I’m built that way. I’m probably not capable. My old “friends” in high school used to tease me that I was incapable of human emotions and I’ve believed them up until this point. Because what else could it be? How else have I managed to drive off every single person in my life? My mum obviously didn’t care about me. My dad didn’t want me. My friends found cooler people to hang out with. My boyfriends found better fucks. And now I’m here…trying to find someone on a literal blind date because I probably can’t get anyone else.
I’ve moved completely into his lap at this point. I don’t realize that I’m almost whimpering against his chest as I cling to his shirt. It’s got to be something mental-Oh! I haven’t scared him away yet…let’s see if this works! I’m such a fucking idiot. Maybe they should just take me out back and execute me by firing squad. But Brendon doesn’t seem to care. In fact, he’s whispering into my ear and assuring me that it’s going to be okay. Assuring me that he doesn’t care what baggage I come with. Assuring me that he likes me and he doesn’t plan on letting it end here. I’m touched…by his generosity, his understanding, his compassion. I’ve known very little of that. And the tears sliding down my cheeks assure me that I am human…that I am capable of emotion.
He leans down to whisper /very/ quietly, “I will wait for you. No matter what.” He’s not supposed to. We’re not supposed to discuss the end of this. After we see each other for a brief moment in the light, we have to make the decision to see each other or not. He might get in trouble if the cameras picked that up, but I don’t think that they did. I tilt my head back and reach up to find his cheek. In my head, I’m talking myself up to this-to kiss him. I want to do it. I want to be closer to him. I’m leaning closer to him. But I never get there. Not because I can’t, but because he won’t let me. “Ryan,” he said gently and takes a sharp inhale, “don’t.” I’m hurt. I feel completely crushed. I finally manage to open myself up to someone and I get shot down. I don’t understand it. Why me, why always fucking me?
“O-okay,” I manage as I feel more tears on my cheeks and a familiar emotion fills me. I try to pull away from him and he won’t let me. I’m confused and still hurt and he’s not helping. I just want to get away. His words don’t make any sense anymore. He wouldn’t reject me if he wanted me, he’s just fucking with my head. Like everyone else, he’s in it for himself. “Ryan, stop. Don’t go, I didn’t mean it like that,” he says with firm arms around me. And I stop struggling, because I’m too upset and I honestly don’t want to leave him. I care more than I thought I could. I like him more than I thought possible. This is all just a mess. But he’s not done talking. “I want to kiss you. God, do I want to. But I can’t kiss you with the possibility that I won’t ever get to again. That’ll it’ll be our first and last. I can’t do it,” he says and suddenly I’m all ears. I want to know what he’s thinking because we haven’t done much talking about him…he’s been far more interested in me.
He keeps talking and I manage a weak smile. But his voice continues to lower so the cameras can’t hear. “I’ll kiss you, if you promise me that you’ll be there. Promise me that I won’t be alone on that balcony, because I can’t have you and then lose you.” But I can’t promise him. I’ve learned that I can’t make promises if I’m not one hundred percent sure that I can keep them. And I’m not one hundred percent sure. I really, really like Brendon. I want to be with him after this show is over. I want to kiss him and finally be happy, but if he’s not at least an average Joe…I don’t know if I can do it. It makes me sick that I’m that vain and I wish more than anything in the world that I could change that part of me for him, but I can’t. So I just have to pray to whatever God that hasn’t been here for me so far…that he’ll be here for me now and help me choose to be with Brendon no matter what…that or make him cute.
“Brendon, I can’t,” I say and immediately there’s a change in the room. I’ve upset him and it hurts me to know that I have. He hasn’t done anything but give me the chance I never had. He hasn’t done anything but want me without any concerns for my past or future. He’s been incredible and I can’t make him a promise, despite the fact that I want to be standing there with him, because I’m a shallow asshole. “B-but I’ll try. I will, I promise you that…” It’s a shitty promise, but I can keep it. He nods and presses a kiss to my forehead-when he finds it-before mumbling something about how it’s time to go. I still think he’s upset, but he strokes my cheek and helps me up. He squeezes my hand before letting me go and exiting back to his own side of the house.
When I get back to my side of the house, I don’t talk to my two roommates. I don’t need to hear about their dates. I don’t want them to ask me about mine. So I head straight to bed because tomorrow is going to take a lot out of me. I’m going to be so emotionally stressed that I might throw up when the lights go on. That’ll be a pretty sight. But his words echo in my head. I will wait for you. No matter what. I smile and wonder if that includes me throwing up on his shoes or something. And somehow…because it’s Brendon, I know it does. I’m asleep faster than I thought possible and wake up the next morning with a knot in my stomach, but feeling confident now that I can do this.
Things are quiet around the house until our game show host comes barging in and involves us in a little game to see how well we know our partner… This can’t be good. I suddenly realize that I don’t know all the much about Brendon. I know he’s from Las Vegas. I know he plays every instrument under the sun. I know he worked at Smoothie Hut during high school and got beat up for being gay and loves his Mormon parents despite their constant disapproval of his sexuality. But I don’t know everything. Thankfully, this game is different. Well, maybe it’s a curse. An artist comes in to ask us some questions about our partner. What his hair is like. And his eyes. And his smile. And his nose. And in the end…I’m looking down at the picture of a man who I recognize. Well, not exactly. But there’s something familiar about him and I know it’s because this is my Brendon. This is the Brendon with his soft, puppy eyes and pouting lips that makes me want to trust him. This is the Brendon that holds me and assures me that he’s not like the others; that he wants to take care of me. And maybe this isn’t exactly what he looks like, but I’m more ready to see him than I was before.
Our host takes the drawings much to my displeasure. I wanted to look at it a little longer, want to see him, but I know that the sooner we trade the pictures, the sooner I’ll get to see him in the light. But I’m suddenly nervous…because I’m going to find out how he pictures me. My heart jumps when our host is back and hands us the pictures. I’m almost too scared to look at mine, but I know I have to. So I flip it over and find a guy…that isn’t me. It’s not bad, though. He’s got this look in his eyes that scares me to think that Brendon believes I’m that haunted…but I know I am. But at the same time, he has my smile…I think. He’s not perfect and he’s not me, but Brendon isn’t completely off. At least he didn’t make me this incredibly handsome person just so I can disappoint him in person. I’m pretty relieved.
We get more down time and I spend it studying the picture he had drawn of me. I wonder if the artist actually drew it like he wanted it. If this is what he really thinks I look like. He seems to think my nose is a little bigger than it really is; but that’s not a bad thing. And my hair looks a lot like I just woke up, but it’s rather amusing. I laugh at the t-shirt I’m drawn in because I’ve never worn a plain t-shirt with him. I’ve worn one with a vest and a vest with a button-up, but never just a t-shirt. That’ll be a bit of a surprise. But the picture catches my attention. It’s a play off the Beatles at Abbey Road. I smile because he did it on purpose. And the more that I look at the picture, the more I realize that it is me. It’s all me; on the inside.
“Time to go,” the host says as my roommates and I gather in our living room. “You will each go into the dark room with the person on the picture in front of you. There you will see each other in the light and come back here to make your decision. Are looks truly everything? Is personality enough?” I listen, but I’m not completely into it. But I definitely hear his words. Is personality enough? I know it should be…but will it be? I’m first. He says it twice before I’m out of my seat and walking down the hall and into the dark room.
There are two “X’s” on the floor in glowing tape to show where we need to stand. I take my spot and look over at the other. Brendon isn’t here yet, but I would have known if he were the minute I walked in. He doesn’t take long to take his place and we wait. I don’t know which light is going to go on first and I honestly hope it’s mine just in case he isn’t /at all/ what I expect and I make a face or something when my light goes on after his. And in the end, the light suddenly shines above me.
I feel so exposed. He doesn’t make any noise because I know he’s not allowed to, but the silence is completely unnerving like everything else I’ve done in this house. I sigh and bite my lip. It feels like the spotlight is on forever, but then it’s gone and I’m in the dark again. I start to wonder if I looked like a total dork. Hopefully he doesn’t think that. Hopefully he’ll keep his promise and be standing there…even if I still can’t say if I will be or not. But then his light shines and I can see him.
He’s nothing like what I expected… He’s got the dark, unruly hair like I thought, but everything else takes me by surprise. I gasp, because I can’t help myself. It’s quiet, but he smiles and blows me a kiss. My cheeks go red because he’s absolutely gorgeous. His brown eyes are softer and sparkle in a way I hadn’t imagined. His lips are fuller than I’d realized and I can tell he has one hell of an adorable pout. I don’t have long to look and he’s in the dark again. We’re supposed to leave…we have to leave, but I want to tell him right there that I’ll be there. That every emotion I felt for him was intensified when I finally saw how much he really cared. How I could see it in his eyes clearer than his worry that I won’t show up.
I leave without telling him, though. And I feel bad that he can’t feel as amazing as I do because we’re going to end up together. This is going to work out. He’s going to be standing there waiting for me because he wants me and I want him. I can’t wait until the next day. Again, I don’t say a word to my roommates because I don’t care. All I want to do is sleep. I’d slept a lot in the past couple of days, but it was only to pass the time until I could leave this stupid house and start a new chapter of my life. And for once…I’m excited for what tomorrow will bring. I don’t really want to wait, but I know it’ll be worth it.
The next morning I’m relatively calm. I have this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that’s got me nervous about everything really working out, but I remember his words. He’ll be there. I just…can’t see him not being there. Not after everything he went through with me already. It’s alright. It’s all going to be okay. So I get up and get ready. I glance at the clock and know that I only have a half hour to get ready as I have to be on the patio by nine…or walking out the front door. But I don’t intend on leaving without him. If I do…I’ll never get the chance to show him how much I have enjoyed his company. How much I trust him. Or how much that trust means to me.
I smile at myself in the mirror and feel dumb for it, but laugh and walk back into the bedroom. My roommates have already left…I can’t say I know what the outcome of their time here was. I almost hope Spencer goes home alone, but only because he’s too sweet to get stuck with either of the two idiots I shared this house with. My stuff is all packed to go after I make my appearance and as I climb the stairs to the second floor patio…I cross my fingers and pray to God that he’s standing on the other side of the door.
So I open the door, because I can’t wait any longer. And he’s standing there; looking over the balcony at the door below…as if he’s worried I’m going to appear through that door instead. I smile lightly and just stand there, slightly awkwardly until he turns around. The smile on his face is enough to make mine grow and step forward towards him. He seems frozen in place and I can’t help but laugh a little before moving all the way over to him and easily finding myself comfortable against him. His arms wrap around me like this is the most natural thing in the world, and god, it really does feel that way.
“You came,” he says, reaching a hand up to fondly stroke my hair. I nod against his shirt and tilt my head back to look up at him. I can see it in his eyes that he had truly been worried that I wouldn’t show. “Brendon…I’ve never, ever felt this way about someone before. I’ve never trusted anyone like this and I swear that if you-“ He stops me. “Ryan, Ryan, I’m not going to hurt you. I’ve never felt this way either and it’s scary, but it’s going to be okay.” I nod again and smile up at him. He has this way of making me feel completely safe and secure even though everything from my past tells me that this is all a bad idea. But I can’t ignore the feelings I have for him and I can’t stay away from him.
He tilts his head down and I know exactly what he wants, but he’s giving me the choice. He’s letting me decide if I’m ready for this or not. I let him wait there a moment before I’m moving closer and pressing our lips together. The pace is slow and he’s so careful, but that’s exactly what I need. I couldn’t care less about my worries anymore because I’m falling completely head over heels for this boy and he’s right here to catch me.