on sleep and roommates and work
My sleep is officially fucked again. I've been having insane nightmares for the last few days, I wake up after being asleep less than an hour, my heart is racing, and I don't remember what was happening in the dream, but the last couple of times I have been shouting as I woke up. Scared the dog, freaked me out, I didn't know what the noise was for the first couple of seconds last night.
Ended up taking several benadryl and chasing them with a beer around 4, and now I can barely focus my eyes. Being in a fog doesn't even begin to cover it.
The roommate thing is ok. Watching another marriage dissolve in a whirlwind of emotional debris and carnage is difficult. The upside is that I can tell him that things get better in time. But you've got to get through this part, and also that there will be days, when you just don't want to be alone, and you are *almost* willing to sacrifice anything for the semblance of a relationship.
My issue in the past was that it felt as if we were becoming roommates, there wasn't anything intimate or of emotional impact going on. We were both going through empty motions, but at least there was someone that I could almost share my life with. Ruskin was at the same point in his marriage, he described more as a brother and sister relationship, they knew each other very well, but at the same time they stayed in their own little emotional worlds. Either way both of us should have ended things long before they ended, and in my case I didn't do any ending, I was the one who was left. My only claim to any paltry strength, has been in saying "no" to her coming back. His situation is different yet similar. On one hand it's good to be able to relate to someone what the hell happened 9 months ago, and 5 years ago, but at the same time, it seems to be fucking with me more than helping me. I am reliving certain memories that I have put down for literally years. For some reason last night I talked about the sitting on a concrete bench on campus thoroughly convinced that nothing was right in the world. Walking in front of a bus was the only sensible thing to do. I look back at that and I am horrified and think how fucking childish, but what really upsets me, is at the time, I really was struggling with not ending everything. And I talked pretty openly about that. His tale was more along the lines of drinking with a gun, and the bullet picked out in front of him. I don't understand why we define ourselves so narrowly sometimes. It's a recipe for disaster. Enough of this for now.
On work.
My office mate was fired yesterday at 1:30. Up until that point in the day, my day was just shitty. But when her "position was eliminated" it just spiraled into oblivion. We weren't really close, but we talked every day, and she was someone at work that I liked. The reason for the position closing were never offered, and no one is talking about it. Everyone up here is walking on eggshells. Technically I work in the region, not at this facility, and I'm not under anyone here. But it's still disconcerting to be working in this environment. In the last 3 months, almost 20 people have "resigned" or had positions eliminated. No discussion about spending, money being tight, just these seemingly arbitrary almost random firings. My roommate is freaked out, his job is a newer position, but though he has been with the company for years, he feels that he could be out the door at any minute. I think everyone feels that way right now. Not just here, but everyone. Things are just getting worse and worse. So fucking depressing.
I think that some sleep would help calm things down. I think that sometimes my brain is trying to melt itself down. When I stop being able to sleep it just keeps getting worse and worse, until usually 3-4 days in of fucked up sleep I end of passing out from exhaustion right when I get home from work. Maybe that will be tonight? It would be nice to fall asleep quickly, the trick is not wake the fuck up with my convinced the world is ending.
/end whining
Ended up taking several benadryl and chasing them with a beer around 4, and now I can barely focus my eyes. Being in a fog doesn't even begin to cover it.
The roommate thing is ok. Watching another marriage dissolve in a whirlwind of emotional debris and carnage is difficult. The upside is that I can tell him that things get better in time. But you've got to get through this part, and also that there will be days, when you just don't want to be alone, and you are *almost* willing to sacrifice anything for the semblance of a relationship.
My issue in the past was that it felt as if we were becoming roommates, there wasn't anything intimate or of emotional impact going on. We were both going through empty motions, but at least there was someone that I could almost share my life with. Ruskin was at the same point in his marriage, he described more as a brother and sister relationship, they knew each other very well, but at the same time they stayed in their own little emotional worlds. Either way both of us should have ended things long before they ended, and in my case I didn't do any ending, I was the one who was left. My only claim to any paltry strength, has been in saying "no" to her coming back. His situation is different yet similar. On one hand it's good to be able to relate to someone what the hell happened 9 months ago, and 5 years ago, but at the same time, it seems to be fucking with me more than helping me. I am reliving certain memories that I have put down for literally years. For some reason last night I talked about the sitting on a concrete bench on campus thoroughly convinced that nothing was right in the world. Walking in front of a bus was the only sensible thing to do. I look back at that and I am horrified and think how fucking childish, but what really upsets me, is at the time, I really was struggling with not ending everything. And I talked pretty openly about that. His tale was more along the lines of drinking with a gun, and the bullet picked out in front of him. I don't understand why we define ourselves so narrowly sometimes. It's a recipe for disaster. Enough of this for now.
On work.
My office mate was fired yesterday at 1:30. Up until that point in the day, my day was just shitty. But when her "position was eliminated" it just spiraled into oblivion. We weren't really close, but we talked every day, and she was someone at work that I liked. The reason for the position closing were never offered, and no one is talking about it. Everyone up here is walking on eggshells. Technically I work in the region, not at this facility, and I'm not under anyone here. But it's still disconcerting to be working in this environment. In the last 3 months, almost 20 people have "resigned" or had positions eliminated. No discussion about spending, money being tight, just these seemingly arbitrary almost random firings. My roommate is freaked out, his job is a newer position, but though he has been with the company for years, he feels that he could be out the door at any minute. I think everyone feels that way right now. Not just here, but everyone. Things are just getting worse and worse. So fucking depressing.
I think that some sleep would help calm things down. I think that sometimes my brain is trying to melt itself down. When I stop being able to sleep it just keeps getting worse and worse, until usually 3-4 days in of fucked up sleep I end of passing out from exhaustion right when I get home from work. Maybe that will be tonight? It would be nice to fall asleep quickly, the trick is not wake the fuck up with my convinced the world is ending.
/end whining