*wipes off dust* good god, it's been a very long time since I've written on this thing...
I believe it's been well over almost two years now, and I don't even know where to begin. I've changed so much since I started this blog...
Let's see, I believe the last time I actually seriously wrote something in here was Sophmore year at UVM. Good god, how life has changed since then. My junior year I really began to come out of my shell more. I joined a sorority (Alpha Delta Pi) which honestly, I never thought I would ever do, but I'm glad I did. It showed me that I could do a lot and have some great connections in life. I got a job at the brand new UVM student center, the Davis Center, and who knew how much that job would change my entire life in so many ways. I began as a info desk assistant and then within 2 months or so was promoted to a Building Manager. That job showed me that I can do anything if I have the confidence in myself, and it made me realize that I had kind of wasted a lot of opportunities I had been offered at UVM. My junior year was a tough one in many ways, but it really showed me what I could survive and learn from. My junior year was also the unhealthiest year of my life to date. I had gained at least a good 20 lbs and was up to 298 lbs. Yes, almost 300 lbs. I can barely believe it myself now. It was then that I made the most life changing decision of my life.
I was 20 years old and sick. I could barely sleep because I had developed such bad sleep apnea, and I kept trying to keep a strong "I'm ok" facade by working a good amount of hours on top of classes pretty much every day I could. When I wasn't working, I was "sleeping" or what you could call sleeping for 8 hours but felt like I was only getting maybe an hour of sleep. It was bad, and I was disgusted with myself. I had always been a bigger girl, and although I loved who i was (and still believe I have retained many of the core emotions/characteristics that are unique to myself) I knew I needed to change in order to really live. I was too young to live the way I was. That's when I decided.....I would go ahead with having Gastric Bypass Surgery. My grandfather had it done when it was brand new and didn't have the best experience but knew quite a few people who had it done and it went quite well, and it has come a long way since it first came out. I was referred to an amazing doctor in Newton, and it took almost a full year to get everything ready. On May 19th, 2008, I went under the knife and started on a new foot in life.
I can't even begin to describe the journey that my life was the next few months after surgery. The first 10 days, I lost 20 lbs. By the end of the month, I lost almost 50 lbs. By the end of the summer, I lost 80 lbs. In just 3 months, that's a lot. I was a proctor at PCC that summer, and it was an amazing experience, but I also felt like my experience as a proctor was a little different. I was going through a dramatic change, and a lot of the kids were also experiencing changes in their lives and were unsure of what to do with these changes. I could really identify with them. I learned a lot that summer, and I made a lot of great connections with many of the students, and I hope I touched them as much as they touched me.
I returned to UVM excited, but also slightly terrified. I had lost nearly 90 lbs, and was changed. Now this may be the Anthropologist in me, but I could not help but notice all the different ways people treated me differently as I was losing the weight. I went from being occassionally noticed by one guy, to having men coming on to me like I was a drug. I had women go from treating me very sweetly and like a friend, to all of a sudden having women be mean and extremely petty with me. I've barely had that in my life. It was such a change. Also, having people stop me to tell me how beautiful I am, that was a difference that I experienced a few times, but it was usually the generic fat compliments. "fat compliments" = "Oh you have such a beautiful face" or "That makes you look really skinny!" something of that nature. I had always taken compliments with a grain of salt, and I still do most of the time, because honestly, I sometimes can't help but think "Well if I was still heavy, would they really notice me?".
Don't get me wrong, losing the weight has without a doubt opened me up a lot. I find it's easier to start conversations with people, and I'm not so afraid to go after things I want. Yet, at the same time, it's made me see a lot of the injustices and prejudices that many people either do not notice or refuse to notice. It's digusting how our society treats someone who might be slightly different than what is considered the norm.
Let's move on from my weight, which is now a 100 lbs. off and it has been for what just hit a year and a half anniversary. It's insane to think how time has flown, but let's hit a few things that have also happened since. I began my senior year at UVM ready to rock the campus. I got back and immediately jumped into being a Building Manager at the DC, being the Music Chair of ADPi, and getting through my History major with Anthro minor. One early morning at the DC at the beginning of the year, there was a new tech guy who didn't say a word to me, but just stared at me with the most brilliant blue eyes I had ever seen. I knew from there that there was something different about this guy, but I brushed it aside as, well, the fat girl in me still doubted men's appeal in me. Plus, he didn't say anything to me. It wouldn't be until almost a month later that I would even learn his name. Kurt.
I started the fall off by competing for ADPi in Greek God and Goddess. It was essentially a pageant in which we had to have a talent, evening wear, and make a speech. I made my speech about PCC and how being a proctor changed my life. I wore a black long dress that I found at Macy's literally a few days before. For my talent, I sang "Respect" by Aretha Franklin. I ended up winning for ADPi, and I couldn't have felt anymore on top of the world. I felt like I had changed so much that this was just the pinnacle for all the struggle those first few months after surgery had presented. I was all smiles, and my entire family had come up to support me. I knew that if I could compete in what was essentially a pageant (which no offense to my older sister, but I swore I would never do), hell, I knew I could do anything. Joining Greek Life was something I will never regret, because I made so many great friends and pushed myself to do more than I ever though I could have.
After that, I had a lot of adventures around Burlington. Those details are for myself, but I'll put it this way. I formed a lot of great connections, met a lot of fun and interesting people, and forged deeper bonds with a lot of my amazing friends, both new and old. (Ironic that I'll be Seeing you by Billie Holiday just came on as I wrote this and am thinking of beautiful Burlington). I miss it so right now...
So, starting around October this past year, I began to interview for a job. My father had said that Toyota was hiring for their MT positions. MT stands for Management Trainee and essentially what it is is that you train for 1-2 years to be a national representative for the company anywhere in the continental U.S. I had met many reps during my years at the dealerships, and had always envied the appeal of a job that allows you to travel and move around. It seemed like a job that you could really delve into and take pride in. I jumped at the chance to apply. I applied and then was notified that I got an invitation to an initial meet and greet. Well, after that initial meet and greet went well, I spent the next few months driving back and forth from VT to MA to interview at the Boston Headquarters. Interviews ended just before Winter Break, and we were told that we would know if we got the job by the end of January. I felt I gave some great interviews, so I figured I would wait to hear.
In the meantime, I had a lot at UVM to keep me preoccupied. I started dating a friend Tom, but unfortunately, it became evident that we were better off just as friends, so I broke it off. I felt really bad, cried for a few days, but I knew it was for the best. I'm glad that we've been able to remain friends because he's a great guy. I decided that I would not worry about men and dating at that point, that I would just go with the flow, because honestly, I was still just trying to find myself. Well, that didn't last very long...
Kurt and I started to become closer. I've never met anyone who I could so openly speak to about anything, and never judge me. I also have never met anyone who looked at me the way Kurt did. Kurt and I began by being just friends, talking at the DC while at work, and while we were both always flirty, it didn't really go anywhere for a while. It was one lazy afternoon in the DC, after finishing the novel Night in Rodanthe, that one of the supervisors Kim asked me if it was good. I gave her the book and told her to read it, that it was a beautiful story. I went and got a snack, and when I came back, it was just Kurt and I in the office. I sat down at the Island, and he asked me to come over to the tech computer. He had found a copy of the movie of the novel and gave it to me to watch while I did the late shift by myself. I was so touched that someone would do that for me. He just smiled and sat with me and talked so I wouldn't be lonely. I still remember the way he smiled. When I broke up with Tom, I felt horrible because I had never had to break up with someone before and I don't like having to hurt anyone. Kurt came over and just held me as I cried. He reassured me that it'd be ok, that life would be ok. He was what I needed, and he leveled me out. We started hanging out more after that. Just as friends, watching a movie or taking a walk. It was nice. It soon became evident that we had a real connection. It wasn't long after that while we were hanging out with a bunch of DC friends, that he kissed me on the cheeck. It was then that I kissed him.
Kurt and I were inseperable, but not in the overly bearing clingy way, just in the sense that we both balanced each other out and it just felt right to be near each other. It was the first time in my life that I felt that I could spend my life with this person. I mean, Matt and I had an intense relationship and while he was my first love, I knew this relationship with Kurt was different. It was just as passionate as the relationship with Matt, yet it was mature and seemed to transcend every other relationship I knew. I felt as if Kurt could see me, all of me, the good and the bad, and it didn't matter.
After months of not hearing from Toyota, Graduation was fast approaching and I was trying to figure out what I would do with my life. I was content to stay in Vermont somehow, anyway in order to preserve the feelings that I could only experience there, and still know, will only experience there. I was taking my favorite class at UVM again, Bill Reed's Musical Theater class, and had just discovered a new musical called "In the Heights". In the show, there is a song called "Everything I know" which the character sings after her mentor dies and it says how her surroundings and mentor taught her everything she knows. I felt this song really struck a chord with me. I was leaving the one place I had found that felt like home. I was unsure where I was going, who I'd be, and what I'd become. It was a song that Bill didn't want me to sing at first, said it was too sad, but I pushed, and I am glad I did. I could identify with the song completely. I practiced it and felt that it would be good, but it wasn't until I sang it to Kurt that I knew the power of the song. I began to cry as I was singing, and he was crying as well.
I performed to my family, Kurt, and a bunch of my friends, and it was after that performance, that Bill suggested that I stay in VT for a part of the summer to do the Musical Theater Intensive that he holds with some of his colleagues from Cirlce in the Square. If you have never heard of Circle in the Square, it is one of the top Broadway training schools in the U.S. I was hesitant at first because it was expensive, but since I had not heard anything but the date of a potential hiring keep being pushed back and back from Toyota, I figured, hell why not. I could be in a city I love, be with a man who I love, and sing. I was sold. So after graduation in May, I stayed in Burlington and worked at the DC and waited until the last week of June when the Intensive would be. Those few weeks were some of the best weeks I've had during a summer. I spent my days working at the DC, spending time with good friends and the time I spent with Kurt I could never, nor will ever want to forget.
Finally, it came to the week of the Musical Theater Intensive. I thought that this week would have an impact on my life, but oh I could never imagine it would have the impact it did.
That week was one of the toughest of my life. I learned so much from some of the best theatre professionals in the world, who pushed me to break out of my tough girl attitude and live within my emotions, to project them into the world and show people that acting/singing is not just a mechanical thing you are trained to do, but that it is inate, and only those who can truly project their emotions have courage enough to perform. I stuck with my song of "Everything I know" because I felt it was still applicable to the emotions I had gone through during the past year, and boy, would that week show that it would push those emotions and a few that happened just the day before our end of class performance. The intensive was an entire week from Sunday to Saturday. On Thursday night, after class got out, I headed to the DC to meet up with Kurt. On the walk over, I got a call from the L.A. area. I looked at my phone and thought "Who the hell could this be?" so I answered it in my generic "This could be important" answer 'Erica Bruno's Phone, How can I assist you?'. It was Toyota. They were calling to offer me a spot in the July MT Training class. I was going to have to be moved to LA and ready to work on July 20th. I got the call June 28th. Barely a month. I was ecstatic but panic striken. I asked them to email me all the details that they could and that I would call them back with my answer of acceptance. I ran through the Davis Center and bounced into the office. Kurt and Sage were upstairs in the Grand Maple Ballroom, and as I ran up to them and told them the news, they congratulated me, but it then hit me of what it meant if I accepted....I'd have to leave Kurt. It's then that I knew I had the toughest choice of my life thus far.
I was being offered a great job in today's economy where most of my friends were struggling to find any job. I was being offered to move across the country to just outside of L.A. for a training program that would be anywhere from 1-2 years and then I could get a job anywhere in the country. The adventure junkie in me thrilled at the chance and knew I had earned it. Yet the thought of leaving Kurt hurt so much that I would have given that all up.....yet, I knew if I did....I would regret it. I was in hell. My parents called and told me that I had to take the job, which I knew they were right, I'd be an idiot to reject it, yet when I called Toyota back to accept, the lump in my throat couldn't have been any bigger.
Kurt and I cried in each others arms that night as the reality hit both of us. I would be gone within a month. On a crazy adventure across the country. What did I get myself into....
The little time I had to prepare to move across the country flew by. I literally packed everything up in VT to move back to MA for just about 2 weeks to re-pack everything to move across the country. Kurt came down and spent the weekend with me just before I left. Again, it was filled with a lot of crying, yet it showed me that we had a special connection that would stay with us. The day I flew out of Logan Airport with my family, hell....it was one of the saddest and most exciting days of my life. I was nervous and scared for a new beginning, yet excited to see what the next chapter of my life could be. The twinge of regret I still hold though for leaving everything I know behind, well, that will never leave me...
I arrived in L.A. with my family, and the four days we had to prepare everything were hectic as hell. We spent the first day looking at apartments, finally found one, although way over my original budget, yet it was the only one that wasn't in the ghetto or run down. The same day, we went to this awesome place called Living Spaces and found most of the furniture for the apartment as well. The next day we finalized everything for the apartment, went and got appliances and other furnishings, and then it started to finally feel like an apartment I could live in. However, it felt so strange and foreign to live in such a place. It was always sunny, there's palm trees everywhere, and there's soooooo many people. Did I mention that besides the palm trees there's also no green space? It's all pretty much desert. I dislike the desert. I'd rather have snow anyday. Needless to say, I felt out of place in this new 'home'. I missed Vermont and the way of life there. I missed Kurt even though we had decided to end a relationship, yet keep speaking, I missed the connection and just being with him.
My first day at Toyota, I met all of the MT's as well as a few ATT's (Automotive Technical Trainees). The MT's and I hung out a few times during the first few weeks, but it would be the ATT's that I would eventually end up spending time with. The first few weeks out here, I felt lost and terribly lonely. I had a 3 hour time difference between me and many of my friends, so I could try to talk to people on the phone, but it just wasn't the same. I was thankful for my friend Leslie, who went to BU with my older sister Jackie, who lived in Hollywood and helped me get out a bit. Yet, the first 2 and a half months out here, I felt so alone, everyday. I would cry myself to sleep a few times because of the loneliness.
It wouldn't be until late September that I would begin to feel as though I had developed at least some kind of niche into my apartment and my job. It was also around that time that Sasha came out to L.A. from Peru to visit me and try to find a job. She stayed for just a little over a month, and while it was trial b/c she was unable to find a job and had a few struggles with Marco during that time, it was also one of the best months I had had. Having Sasha here made me feel connected to home, yet allowed me to have someone from my past experience a bit of my developing future so I wouldn't be so alone on this journey. Sasha helped me through my loneliness, and it would be with her here, that I would begin to feel like I was settling into this new life better than I had been. It would also be during this time that one of the ATT's Andy Tye and I would become closer.
Good god...Andy. How do I begin. Well, I didn't very much like Andy the first few months out here. Let me explain. Andy was in my orientation class. He was rather quiet and kept to himself, but I did notice that he was quite tall and broad, but other than that, didn't interact with him too much during orientation. The most interaction we had, I found that he was either trying to lecture me on something or we were butting heads over opinions. Well, the week after our orientation, we were all at a bar on Hermosa Pier for a party and Andy came. He got a bit drunk and I was drinking too, and we were getting into a pretty heated discussion and he made a comment which I found a bit offensive. Needless to say, I pretty much wrote it off as he was a jerk and I'd rather not hang out with him. About a month and a half after that, I went over another ATT's house Mike to go have dinner with his gf Rachel and he said another ATT named Ryan would be going as well. I was excited because this was about a week or so before Sasha was coming and I was terribly lonely, so any interaction with people was good. I arrived at Mike and Rachel's house, walked in, and there was Mike, Rachel, Ryan, and Andy. I felt a bad taste in my mouth, but felt, heck, I'm pretty good at tuning out people, and I'd rather not drive another 15 minutes back to Torrance. At dinner, I kept speaking to Ryan and kept ignoring Andy in hopes that he'd take the hint that I'd rather not speak to him. What was taken was that I was flirting with Ryan. Don't get me wrong, Ryan is a great guy, but to be honest, I was just trying to avoid speaking to Andy. I know...that's horrible. Well, after dinner, Mike and Rachel wanted to go home and relax, but Ryan, Andy, and I were up to do something, so we went to my favorite Boston bar on Hermosa Pier. I found that the more alcohol I had, the easier it was to get along with Andy.
Well after that night, Andy and I began to talk more, mainly at work. He became my go to tech guy whenever I had a difficult question, or was just plain bored. That following Sunday, the car he had just bought and just finished putting new parts into was his 1987 Toyota Supra. I've always loved the supra's, so when he asked if I wanted to go on a drive, I was hesitant. I wanted to see the car, but honestly, I didn't know how hanging out with him one on one would be. Yet, I figured, heck I have nothing better to do, so I went on the drive with him with no makeup on, and my hair pulled back. We went for a long drive around Palos Verdes and just talked the entire time. Heck, it was kind of nice, and we ended up just chilling out together the rest of the night. It was that Wednesday that Sasha arrived in L.A. and Andy was eager to help show her around and make her feel welcomed. It felt really nice to have someone out here that I felt I could rely on. Sasha first pointed out to me that there was something between Andy and I. I could tell that Andy felt something, yet I was unsure. I knew I still very much cared about Kurt, and I wasn't sure if things with Andy were real or not. It became more apparant after one day when I really just needed a break from work, from things with Sasha, and just life in general...Andy picked me up in the Supra and brought me to this electronics store to find a new set of speakers, since mine had died. He started driving away from the direction we wanted to head in order to get back to my apartment, and when I questioned it, he simply said "You need a break, I'm going to make sure you have a fun night". We ended up going to dinner and then he helped me run an errand I had to get done, yet it was just the way he was so content to make sure I was happy that threw me. I was not used to it. Kurt was the first who really tried to make sure that I was taken care of, and even then, knew that I was pretty independent, so he didn't try to push me. Andy didn't care, and would open up doors for me, carry things for me, make me feel as thought I was some lavish old style movie star who deserved to be treated like a princess. It was so foreign to me, that I felt that I should at least see where things could go. It started to dawn on me that I was starting to like him one night when he, Sasha and I went out on Hermosa Pier and he came over all dressed up. I was shocked to not only find that I found him attractive but also that I felt a twinge of jealously because Sasha also noticed how good he looked. It made me realize that I had started to think of him as mine...and that terrified me. Was I really ready to start something? I wasn't sure...and part of me still is. Yet, fate took it's course and a few nights later, would be when we first kissed. Andy kissed me first, and surprisingly, I let him. I felt strangely safe with him, and knew he wouldn't try anything unless I was ok with it. A few more nights later, and we began dating.
I told Kurt after that night the 3 of us went out, when I knew that something was there. I didn't want Kurt to feel like I was trying to hide anything from him. I care about him and respect him far too much to do that to him. I know it broke his heart, and to be honest, it broke mine as well. He said he could be friends and he'd talk to me later, but the next day, I got a facebook message from him saying how he needed to figure things out and couldn't speak to me for a while. That broke me. I cried at work, I cried after work, I cried that night. I couldn't seem to stop crying. Then I just got mad. Andy knew something was wrong and I told him briefly what happened, and he was ready to do anything to make sure that I'd feel better. Yet, I knew this one wouldn't be easily healed. To be honest, it still hasn't. I still miss Kurt terribly. I feel like part of me is dead without him in my life, and I know part of me is because of this. I will never stop loving him. He restored me and renewed my faith in the fact that I could care deeply about another human being again. He also instilled in me confidence in myself. I could never disrespect him by feeling ill feelings towards him because of this. If anything, I blame myself more and more each day. I bare such a guilt on my soul....as corny and stupid as that sounds....my heart is broken and bruised without him in my life.
So let's see, where am I now? I'm living in L.A. with a great job, a great boyfriend who really cares about me and would do anything to make me happy. Yet, I'm not 100% happy because I don't care for Southern California and I still feel a little lost in what I'm doing here. I want to be 100% happy again...and I hope it's soon.
Let's see, I believe the last time I actually seriously wrote something in here was Sophmore year at UVM. Good god, how life has changed since then. My junior year I really began to come out of my shell more. I joined a sorority (Alpha Delta Pi) which honestly, I never thought I would ever do, but I'm glad I did. It showed me that I could do a lot and have some great connections in life. I got a job at the brand new UVM student center, the Davis Center, and who knew how much that job would change my entire life in so many ways. I began as a info desk assistant and then within 2 months or so was promoted to a Building Manager. That job showed me that I can do anything if I have the confidence in myself, and it made me realize that I had kind of wasted a lot of opportunities I had been offered at UVM. My junior year was a tough one in many ways, but it really showed me what I could survive and learn from. My junior year was also the unhealthiest year of my life to date. I had gained at least a good 20 lbs and was up to 298 lbs. Yes, almost 300 lbs. I can barely believe it myself now. It was then that I made the most life changing decision of my life.
I was 20 years old and sick. I could barely sleep because I had developed such bad sleep apnea, and I kept trying to keep a strong "I'm ok" facade by working a good amount of hours on top of classes pretty much every day I could. When I wasn't working, I was "sleeping" or what you could call sleeping for 8 hours but felt like I was only getting maybe an hour of sleep. It was bad, and I was disgusted with myself. I had always been a bigger girl, and although I loved who i was (and still believe I have retained many of the core emotions/characteristics that are unique to myself) I knew I needed to change in order to really live. I was too young to live the way I was. That's when I decided.....I would go ahead with having Gastric Bypass Surgery. My grandfather had it done when it was brand new and didn't have the best experience but knew quite a few people who had it done and it went quite well, and it has come a long way since it first came out. I was referred to an amazing doctor in Newton, and it took almost a full year to get everything ready. On May 19th, 2008, I went under the knife and started on a new foot in life.
I can't even begin to describe the journey that my life was the next few months after surgery. The first 10 days, I lost 20 lbs. By the end of the month, I lost almost 50 lbs. By the end of the summer, I lost 80 lbs. In just 3 months, that's a lot. I was a proctor at PCC that summer, and it was an amazing experience, but I also felt like my experience as a proctor was a little different. I was going through a dramatic change, and a lot of the kids were also experiencing changes in their lives and were unsure of what to do with these changes. I could really identify with them. I learned a lot that summer, and I made a lot of great connections with many of the students, and I hope I touched them as much as they touched me.
I returned to UVM excited, but also slightly terrified. I had lost nearly 90 lbs, and was changed. Now this may be the Anthropologist in me, but I could not help but notice all the different ways people treated me differently as I was losing the weight. I went from being occassionally noticed by one guy, to having men coming on to me like I was a drug. I had women go from treating me very sweetly and like a friend, to all of a sudden having women be mean and extremely petty with me. I've barely had that in my life. It was such a change. Also, having people stop me to tell me how beautiful I am, that was a difference that I experienced a few times, but it was usually the generic fat compliments. "fat compliments" = "Oh you have such a beautiful face" or "That makes you look really skinny!" something of that nature. I had always taken compliments with a grain of salt, and I still do most of the time, because honestly, I sometimes can't help but think "Well if I was still heavy, would they really notice me?".
Don't get me wrong, losing the weight has without a doubt opened me up a lot. I find it's easier to start conversations with people, and I'm not so afraid to go after things I want. Yet, at the same time, it's made me see a lot of the injustices and prejudices that many people either do not notice or refuse to notice. It's digusting how our society treats someone who might be slightly different than what is considered the norm.
Let's move on from my weight, which is now a 100 lbs. off and it has been for what just hit a year and a half anniversary. It's insane to think how time has flown, but let's hit a few things that have also happened since. I began my senior year at UVM ready to rock the campus. I got back and immediately jumped into being a Building Manager at the DC, being the Music Chair of ADPi, and getting through my History major with Anthro minor. One early morning at the DC at the beginning of the year, there was a new tech guy who didn't say a word to me, but just stared at me with the most brilliant blue eyes I had ever seen. I knew from there that there was something different about this guy, but I brushed it aside as, well, the fat girl in me still doubted men's appeal in me. Plus, he didn't say anything to me. It wouldn't be until almost a month later that I would even learn his name. Kurt.
I started the fall off by competing for ADPi in Greek God and Goddess. It was essentially a pageant in which we had to have a talent, evening wear, and make a speech. I made my speech about PCC and how being a proctor changed my life. I wore a black long dress that I found at Macy's literally a few days before. For my talent, I sang "Respect" by Aretha Franklin. I ended up winning for ADPi, and I couldn't have felt anymore on top of the world. I felt like I had changed so much that this was just the pinnacle for all the struggle those first few months after surgery had presented. I was all smiles, and my entire family had come up to support me. I knew that if I could compete in what was essentially a pageant (which no offense to my older sister, but I swore I would never do), hell, I knew I could do anything. Joining Greek Life was something I will never regret, because I made so many great friends and pushed myself to do more than I ever though I could have.
After that, I had a lot of adventures around Burlington. Those details are for myself, but I'll put it this way. I formed a lot of great connections, met a lot of fun and interesting people, and forged deeper bonds with a lot of my amazing friends, both new and old. (Ironic that I'll be Seeing you by Billie Holiday just came on as I wrote this and am thinking of beautiful Burlington). I miss it so right now...
So, starting around October this past year, I began to interview for a job. My father had said that Toyota was hiring for their MT positions. MT stands for Management Trainee and essentially what it is is that you train for 1-2 years to be a national representative for the company anywhere in the continental U.S. I had met many reps during my years at the dealerships, and had always envied the appeal of a job that allows you to travel and move around. It seemed like a job that you could really delve into and take pride in. I jumped at the chance to apply. I applied and then was notified that I got an invitation to an initial meet and greet. Well, after that initial meet and greet went well, I spent the next few months driving back and forth from VT to MA to interview at the Boston Headquarters. Interviews ended just before Winter Break, and we were told that we would know if we got the job by the end of January. I felt I gave some great interviews, so I figured I would wait to hear.
In the meantime, I had a lot at UVM to keep me preoccupied. I started dating a friend Tom, but unfortunately, it became evident that we were better off just as friends, so I broke it off. I felt really bad, cried for a few days, but I knew it was for the best. I'm glad that we've been able to remain friends because he's a great guy. I decided that I would not worry about men and dating at that point, that I would just go with the flow, because honestly, I was still just trying to find myself. Well, that didn't last very long...
Kurt and I started to become closer. I've never met anyone who I could so openly speak to about anything, and never judge me. I also have never met anyone who looked at me the way Kurt did. Kurt and I began by being just friends, talking at the DC while at work, and while we were both always flirty, it didn't really go anywhere for a while. It was one lazy afternoon in the DC, after finishing the novel Night in Rodanthe, that one of the supervisors Kim asked me if it was good. I gave her the book and told her to read it, that it was a beautiful story. I went and got a snack, and when I came back, it was just Kurt and I in the office. I sat down at the Island, and he asked me to come over to the tech computer. He had found a copy of the movie of the novel and gave it to me to watch while I did the late shift by myself. I was so touched that someone would do that for me. He just smiled and sat with me and talked so I wouldn't be lonely. I still remember the way he smiled. When I broke up with Tom, I felt horrible because I had never had to break up with someone before and I don't like having to hurt anyone. Kurt came over and just held me as I cried. He reassured me that it'd be ok, that life would be ok. He was what I needed, and he leveled me out. We started hanging out more after that. Just as friends, watching a movie or taking a walk. It was nice. It soon became evident that we had a real connection. It wasn't long after that while we were hanging out with a bunch of DC friends, that he kissed me on the cheeck. It was then that I kissed him.
Kurt and I were inseperable, but not in the overly bearing clingy way, just in the sense that we both balanced each other out and it just felt right to be near each other. It was the first time in my life that I felt that I could spend my life with this person. I mean, Matt and I had an intense relationship and while he was my first love, I knew this relationship with Kurt was different. It was just as passionate as the relationship with Matt, yet it was mature and seemed to transcend every other relationship I knew. I felt as if Kurt could see me, all of me, the good and the bad, and it didn't matter.
After months of not hearing from Toyota, Graduation was fast approaching and I was trying to figure out what I would do with my life. I was content to stay in Vermont somehow, anyway in order to preserve the feelings that I could only experience there, and still know, will only experience there. I was taking my favorite class at UVM again, Bill Reed's Musical Theater class, and had just discovered a new musical called "In the Heights". In the show, there is a song called "Everything I know" which the character sings after her mentor dies and it says how her surroundings and mentor taught her everything she knows. I felt this song really struck a chord with me. I was leaving the one place I had found that felt like home. I was unsure where I was going, who I'd be, and what I'd become. It was a song that Bill didn't want me to sing at first, said it was too sad, but I pushed, and I am glad I did. I could identify with the song completely. I practiced it and felt that it would be good, but it wasn't until I sang it to Kurt that I knew the power of the song. I began to cry as I was singing, and he was crying as well.
I performed to my family, Kurt, and a bunch of my friends, and it was after that performance, that Bill suggested that I stay in VT for a part of the summer to do the Musical Theater Intensive that he holds with some of his colleagues from Cirlce in the Square. If you have never heard of Circle in the Square, it is one of the top Broadway training schools in the U.S. I was hesitant at first because it was expensive, but since I had not heard anything but the date of a potential hiring keep being pushed back and back from Toyota, I figured, hell why not. I could be in a city I love, be with a man who I love, and sing. I was sold. So after graduation in May, I stayed in Burlington and worked at the DC and waited until the last week of June when the Intensive would be. Those few weeks were some of the best weeks I've had during a summer. I spent my days working at the DC, spending time with good friends and the time I spent with Kurt I could never, nor will ever want to forget.
Finally, it came to the week of the Musical Theater Intensive. I thought that this week would have an impact on my life, but oh I could never imagine it would have the impact it did.
That week was one of the toughest of my life. I learned so much from some of the best theatre professionals in the world, who pushed me to break out of my tough girl attitude and live within my emotions, to project them into the world and show people that acting/singing is not just a mechanical thing you are trained to do, but that it is inate, and only those who can truly project their emotions have courage enough to perform. I stuck with my song of "Everything I know" because I felt it was still applicable to the emotions I had gone through during the past year, and boy, would that week show that it would push those emotions and a few that happened just the day before our end of class performance. The intensive was an entire week from Sunday to Saturday. On Thursday night, after class got out, I headed to the DC to meet up with Kurt. On the walk over, I got a call from the L.A. area. I looked at my phone and thought "Who the hell could this be?" so I answered it in my generic "This could be important" answer 'Erica Bruno's Phone, How can I assist you?'. It was Toyota. They were calling to offer me a spot in the July MT Training class. I was going to have to be moved to LA and ready to work on July 20th. I got the call June 28th. Barely a month. I was ecstatic but panic striken. I asked them to email me all the details that they could and that I would call them back with my answer of acceptance. I ran through the Davis Center and bounced into the office. Kurt and Sage were upstairs in the Grand Maple Ballroom, and as I ran up to them and told them the news, they congratulated me, but it then hit me of what it meant if I accepted....I'd have to leave Kurt. It's then that I knew I had the toughest choice of my life thus far.
I was being offered a great job in today's economy where most of my friends were struggling to find any job. I was being offered to move across the country to just outside of L.A. for a training program that would be anywhere from 1-2 years and then I could get a job anywhere in the country. The adventure junkie in me thrilled at the chance and knew I had earned it. Yet the thought of leaving Kurt hurt so much that I would have given that all up.....yet, I knew if I did....I would regret it. I was in hell. My parents called and told me that I had to take the job, which I knew they were right, I'd be an idiot to reject it, yet when I called Toyota back to accept, the lump in my throat couldn't have been any bigger.
Kurt and I cried in each others arms that night as the reality hit both of us. I would be gone within a month. On a crazy adventure across the country. What did I get myself into....
The little time I had to prepare to move across the country flew by. I literally packed everything up in VT to move back to MA for just about 2 weeks to re-pack everything to move across the country. Kurt came down and spent the weekend with me just before I left. Again, it was filled with a lot of crying, yet it showed me that we had a special connection that would stay with us. The day I flew out of Logan Airport with my family, hell....it was one of the saddest and most exciting days of my life. I was nervous and scared for a new beginning, yet excited to see what the next chapter of my life could be. The twinge of regret I still hold though for leaving everything I know behind, well, that will never leave me...
I arrived in L.A. with my family, and the four days we had to prepare everything were hectic as hell. We spent the first day looking at apartments, finally found one, although way over my original budget, yet it was the only one that wasn't in the ghetto or run down. The same day, we went to this awesome place called Living Spaces and found most of the furniture for the apartment as well. The next day we finalized everything for the apartment, went and got appliances and other furnishings, and then it started to finally feel like an apartment I could live in. However, it felt so strange and foreign to live in such a place. It was always sunny, there's palm trees everywhere, and there's soooooo many people. Did I mention that besides the palm trees there's also no green space? It's all pretty much desert. I dislike the desert. I'd rather have snow anyday. Needless to say, I felt out of place in this new 'home'. I missed Vermont and the way of life there. I missed Kurt even though we had decided to end a relationship, yet keep speaking, I missed the connection and just being with him.
My first day at Toyota, I met all of the MT's as well as a few ATT's (Automotive Technical Trainees). The MT's and I hung out a few times during the first few weeks, but it would be the ATT's that I would eventually end up spending time with. The first few weeks out here, I felt lost and terribly lonely. I had a 3 hour time difference between me and many of my friends, so I could try to talk to people on the phone, but it just wasn't the same. I was thankful for my friend Leslie, who went to BU with my older sister Jackie, who lived in Hollywood and helped me get out a bit. Yet, the first 2 and a half months out here, I felt so alone, everyday. I would cry myself to sleep a few times because of the loneliness.
It wouldn't be until late September that I would begin to feel as though I had developed at least some kind of niche into my apartment and my job. It was also around that time that Sasha came out to L.A. from Peru to visit me and try to find a job. She stayed for just a little over a month, and while it was trial b/c she was unable to find a job and had a few struggles with Marco during that time, it was also one of the best months I had had. Having Sasha here made me feel connected to home, yet allowed me to have someone from my past experience a bit of my developing future so I wouldn't be so alone on this journey. Sasha helped me through my loneliness, and it would be with her here, that I would begin to feel like I was settling into this new life better than I had been. It would also be during this time that one of the ATT's Andy Tye and I would become closer.
Good god...Andy. How do I begin. Well, I didn't very much like Andy the first few months out here. Let me explain. Andy was in my orientation class. He was rather quiet and kept to himself, but I did notice that he was quite tall and broad, but other than that, didn't interact with him too much during orientation. The most interaction we had, I found that he was either trying to lecture me on something or we were butting heads over opinions. Well, the week after our orientation, we were all at a bar on Hermosa Pier for a party and Andy came. He got a bit drunk and I was drinking too, and we were getting into a pretty heated discussion and he made a comment which I found a bit offensive. Needless to say, I pretty much wrote it off as he was a jerk and I'd rather not hang out with him. About a month and a half after that, I went over another ATT's house Mike to go have dinner with his gf Rachel and he said another ATT named Ryan would be going as well. I was excited because this was about a week or so before Sasha was coming and I was terribly lonely, so any interaction with people was good. I arrived at Mike and Rachel's house, walked in, and there was Mike, Rachel, Ryan, and Andy. I felt a bad taste in my mouth, but felt, heck, I'm pretty good at tuning out people, and I'd rather not drive another 15 minutes back to Torrance. At dinner, I kept speaking to Ryan and kept ignoring Andy in hopes that he'd take the hint that I'd rather not speak to him. What was taken was that I was flirting with Ryan. Don't get me wrong, Ryan is a great guy, but to be honest, I was just trying to avoid speaking to Andy. I know...that's horrible. Well, after dinner, Mike and Rachel wanted to go home and relax, but Ryan, Andy, and I were up to do something, so we went to my favorite Boston bar on Hermosa Pier. I found that the more alcohol I had, the easier it was to get along with Andy.
Well after that night, Andy and I began to talk more, mainly at work. He became my go to tech guy whenever I had a difficult question, or was just plain bored. That following Sunday, the car he had just bought and just finished putting new parts into was his 1987 Toyota Supra. I've always loved the supra's, so when he asked if I wanted to go on a drive, I was hesitant. I wanted to see the car, but honestly, I didn't know how hanging out with him one on one would be. Yet, I figured, heck I have nothing better to do, so I went on the drive with him with no makeup on, and my hair pulled back. We went for a long drive around Palos Verdes and just talked the entire time. Heck, it was kind of nice, and we ended up just chilling out together the rest of the night. It was that Wednesday that Sasha arrived in L.A. and Andy was eager to help show her around and make her feel welcomed. It felt really nice to have someone out here that I felt I could rely on. Sasha first pointed out to me that there was something between Andy and I. I could tell that Andy felt something, yet I was unsure. I knew I still very much cared about Kurt, and I wasn't sure if things with Andy were real or not. It became more apparant after one day when I really just needed a break from work, from things with Sasha, and just life in general...Andy picked me up in the Supra and brought me to this electronics store to find a new set of speakers, since mine had died. He started driving away from the direction we wanted to head in order to get back to my apartment, and when I questioned it, he simply said "You need a break, I'm going to make sure you have a fun night". We ended up going to dinner and then he helped me run an errand I had to get done, yet it was just the way he was so content to make sure I was happy that threw me. I was not used to it. Kurt was the first who really tried to make sure that I was taken care of, and even then, knew that I was pretty independent, so he didn't try to push me. Andy didn't care, and would open up doors for me, carry things for me, make me feel as thought I was some lavish old style movie star who deserved to be treated like a princess. It was so foreign to me, that I felt that I should at least see where things could go. It started to dawn on me that I was starting to like him one night when he, Sasha and I went out on Hermosa Pier and he came over all dressed up. I was shocked to not only find that I found him attractive but also that I felt a twinge of jealously because Sasha also noticed how good he looked. It made me realize that I had started to think of him as mine...and that terrified me. Was I really ready to start something? I wasn't sure...and part of me still is. Yet, fate took it's course and a few nights later, would be when we first kissed. Andy kissed me first, and surprisingly, I let him. I felt strangely safe with him, and knew he wouldn't try anything unless I was ok with it. A few more nights later, and we began dating.
I told Kurt after that night the 3 of us went out, when I knew that something was there. I didn't want Kurt to feel like I was trying to hide anything from him. I care about him and respect him far too much to do that to him. I know it broke his heart, and to be honest, it broke mine as well. He said he could be friends and he'd talk to me later, but the next day, I got a facebook message from him saying how he needed to figure things out and couldn't speak to me for a while. That broke me. I cried at work, I cried after work, I cried that night. I couldn't seem to stop crying. Then I just got mad. Andy knew something was wrong and I told him briefly what happened, and he was ready to do anything to make sure that I'd feel better. Yet, I knew this one wouldn't be easily healed. To be honest, it still hasn't. I still miss Kurt terribly. I feel like part of me is dead without him in my life, and I know part of me is because of this. I will never stop loving him. He restored me and renewed my faith in the fact that I could care deeply about another human being again. He also instilled in me confidence in myself. I could never disrespect him by feeling ill feelings towards him because of this. If anything, I blame myself more and more each day. I bare such a guilt on my soul....as corny and stupid as that sounds....my heart is broken and bruised without him in my life.
So let's see, where am I now? I'm living in L.A. with a great job, a great boyfriend who really cares about me and would do anything to make me happy. Yet, I'm not 100% happy because I don't care for Southern California and I still feel a little lost in what I'm doing here. I want to be 100% happy again...and I hope it's soon.