So Sad... I miss him...
I figured I can let everything out in here because Matt doesn't read this, or at least I don't think he does... and I'm sure everything I'm gonna say in here, is annoying him far beyond belief... so if you don't want to hear any of this cause it's pretty much going to be a summary of our time spent together and then how sad things have been, don't continue reading... Matt came up for a week from the 9th to the 16th for my graduation. i hadn't seen him for two years and I was so excited that he was coming up. I had hoped that when he came up, maybe we could get back together, but before he came up, he started going out with this girl back home (like, 2 or 3 weeks before he came up or something like that) and that got me really upset and that's when i told him that i was hoping we might be able to get back together, but now it isn't possible because he has a girlfriend... well, a few days before he came up, he and his girlfriend broke up because it wasn't working it... this made me happy, but honest to God, before I thought about how happy it made me, i felt bad because when he started going out with her, he was so excited and couldn't believe he didn't tell me and everything, so i knew how much he had cared about her... but then after a little while, it clicked that, "hey, matt's coming up and he doesn't have a girlfriend for once..." so i got excited. he came up on the 9th and called me while i was at senior banquet (anyone that was around me that night... KNEW he called cause i was THAT excited that he was calling... AND calling from a chester phone number!) it made me so excited... so on friday, before graduation, i had to go up and save seats so matt got up early to come save seats with me, so we picked him up at 8ish and he and i hung out for a LONG time that morning and then after graduation, he came to my house and we hung out for a few hours and then my mom said we had to bring him home **so sad**... it was like, 9:30 and we're in the car and he decides that it'd be funny to tickle me, so he's tickling me and i decided to tickle him back and while i was tickling him, he was trying to pull my arms away and he scratched me... haha that ended it all right there and so i put my hand down on the seat and he reached over and put his hand ontop of mine... and then me, being who i am, went dead silent lol shy... and that was on friday... i didn't get to see him until monday after that, but on sunday, i was talking to him on the phone and i asked him to call me when he got up and he asked me what time i wanted him to get up and i told him it didn't matter... but he insisted i give him a time... but i didn't, so he said he'd get up at 8... so he did and called me around 9 after he ate breakfast and took a shower. he came over shortly after that and we watched tv for a while... he laughed a little cause i knew exactly what i had to watch at 9:00, 10:00 and 11:00... while we were watching the shows tho, he, once again, thought it'd be funny to tickle me... so he was and it went on, off and on for a while and then i went back over to sit with him and we were sitting for a little bit and he started tickling me again and i fell on the floor and my knee bent all the way and yeah, that was the end of that because i had to start icing my knee... but then we were just fooling around and everything and then he said it was cooler downstairs so he went downstairs... i refused to go... he was downstairs for 25 minutes... so i called downstairs to ask him what he was doing down there for so long and he goes, "is this pink notebook on the floor, my notebook?" so i ran downstairs and he was standing in the doorway lol he didn't read it... i asked him what he was doing for the last 25 minutes... he said he was trying to count all the stars on my ceiling lol but never succeeded. so he and i sat on my bed listening to the radio and talking for a while. i showed him a couple letters he wrote me back in 8th grade that he didn't remember. i was sitting with my tigger and he goes, "tigger, i'm jealous..." lol it was cute... but then my sister comes home and goes, "melinda, you know better, you're not supposed to hang any guys in your room..." she's so mean to me as it is... and it was only because he and i were home alone and she thought he and i were going out... so i said to matt that we should just go somewhere, cause it was like, 1:30 or something and we were going to see a movie at 4, so we went to lunch and then to the movies to see Mr. and Mrs. Smith. when the movie finished, it was downpouring... he gave me his glasses to hold so they wouldn't get wet and he went to get the car and then picked me up. so after that, i wanted him to show me a newspaper clipping back at his great-grandmothers house, so we went there afterwards and it was thundering and lightening out and i didn't want him to drive me home in that, so we hung out there for a while and then he wanted to go pick up some things in at Wal Mart, so I went with him when the rain slowed down and eventually stopped. cause we were going to go after the movies, but it was downpouring... so we went to Wal Mart and then he brought me home. it was around 8:30ish I think... maybe a little later. but i gave him a hug goodbye in the car and then i really didn't want to get out of the car... and the next thing i know, Matt and I are kissing... it was wonderful... there's no other way to express it... so after that, i told him i loved him and turned around and got out of the car... i couldn't stop smiling, but as soon as i got in my room, i couldn't stop crying... i realized, after that, he's still going home in 3 days... Tuesday night, he and i talked on the phone for about an hour, cause we didn't see each other and decided we were going to the mall on wednesday. so wednesday, he came over around 10:30ish and we first went over to the lady's house where i work and folded laundry. he was so cute haha he refused to touch anything cause he was amazed at how big the house was and was being paranoid that if the house got broken into, because she left the door unlocked for me to get in, then his fingerprints would be on things etc. so he didn't touch anything and if he did, like, if he put his hand on the bureau for a minute, he'd wipe it off with the end of his shirt or something... it was so funny, but so cute lol we were there for 45 min. - an hour and then we went to the mall. we walked around for a little bit... he came into the disney store with me lol he didn't want to, but he did just for me haha and the same went for weathervane and aeropostale lol but then again, i went into hot topic and looked at video games and anime for him, so we're even. we got lunch and then went back to Noah's... which he didn't want to go to in the first place, and he got something as did i... and then went back to his great-grandmothers to hang out. we were just sitting on the bed talking for a while and then he started tickling me, like usual, from behind and i didn't see him. he sat on the bed facing the head of the bed and i was sitting facing the wall on the side of the bed and when he started tickling me, he was pulling me back at the same time so i couldn't get away and then, while he was tickling me, he pulled me towards him and started kissing me and obviously i was kissing him back, but when we stopped kissing, i started crying cause he was going home the next day... he held me and wiped my tears and was trying to say things that would make me be more happy about all this... telling me when he leaves for boot camp, if i miss him, i can write to him cause he'll write me back, or i can call and talk to michael (his brother) cause they sound just alike on the phone lol but i kept telling him it's just not the same... i'm used to calling him once a week, and i wont be able to do that for prolly 8 months... and that's a lot of phone calls... so yeah, that went on for a while... and it kept getting closer and closer to 5 o'clock and he was supposed to go hang out with his mom's cousin at 6... so i asked him if i could go with him cause he was going home the next day and i wanted to spend as much time as i could with him, so i did and we had fun... left there around 10:30ish and the whole way home, Matt and I held hands cause his cousins drove us back to his great-grandmothers house. and when they left, i was waiting for my mom to come and get me and he could see how sad i was and didn't want to go home and he put his arms out and i went and gave him a hung and started crying again... and he told me that i have to stop crying cause it's all gonna be ok and then i said, "maybe this is a stupid question, i don't know, but are we back together or was this just a fling or something...?" and he said, "that's a complicated situation and you'll be getting a letter about it..." and that was that... so when my mom came, i gave him a final hug goodbye and kissed him for the last time til who knows when and left... crying... when i got home, i spent over an hour crying and wishing i could see him and that he didn't have to go home and everything else and finally ended up crying myself to sleep and when i woke up, it was around 5:00-5:30 cause i had orientation that day... i realized that matt's flight had prolly already left and i started crying again... i cried everyday about this until yesterday... yesterday was the first day i did not cry... i was very proud of myself... but i don't know if i can keep it up... i have talked to him twice since he's gone home and he's only been gone for a week... it's been really terrible... i want to see him again so bad... i wish he and i could've gotten back together, but he doesn't want to talk about it on the phone and i'm still unsure of what's going to happen between us... it's really sad... i want to get back together with him so bad! and i promised i wouldn't hurt him, and i understand that he's going into the navy and i'm going to college next year, but to me, it doesn't matter, i don't want to be with anyone else... 6 years... i've been telling him i've loved him every time i've talked to him, for the past 6 years... and we both promised we stay in touch forever because if we've kept in touch this long, and him living in North Carolina for 5 years, then we can stay in touch forever... but i want to be with him... i want him to be holding me and holding my hand the same way he was up here... everything we did just felt right... it felt like it was supposed to be that way... i wish i knew what was going on... i love him sooo much... and if he's reading this right now, and if he read this whole thing... Matt, I love you soooo much! I wish you never had to go! I want to be with you every moment of the day... i know you've said that you think after spending an entire day with you, i'd get annoyed by you, but no... i spent 3 whole days with you and never for a moment did i want to turn away any of those moments... i love you sooo much and i never want to lose you!