Issues
I have so much on my mind right now. I feel like I'm having a panic attack, but I've only had one other one in my entire life so I don't really know if thats whats happening. I honestly think that there is something wrong with me lately. I've been debating posting about this for a long time because I really love the few friends I have that actually read this and comment and I don't feel like they should have to burdened with my problems. They have problems of their own and they shouldn't have to deal with mine. That being said...I need to get out how I'm feeling because I'm afraid that if I don't, I might just explode.
I've been feeling incredibly, incredibly anxious lately. Everytime I think that I might have done something wrong, I stress about it until I can't sleep, eat, or even think straight. I am so terrified that I'm going to do something to hurt someone or let somebody down, its not even funny. Every single time I do something that I think might upset one of my friends, I have to call and apologize immediately because I don't want to lose that person. There have been times lately when I've aplogized even though I didn't do anything wrong just so I could smooth a situation over. Perfect example is the whole Brian situation with Krystina. I apologized to her for 2 days straight because I didn't want to lose her as a friend. As it turns out, she wasn't mad at me at all, but I stressed about the situation so much that it made me freaking sick. And my dad lately, I feel like I've been letting him down left and right. My whole relationship with my dad stresses me out so much that it makes me freaking sick. Honestly, I am the only person he has in the entire world. I know he's miserable sitting at home alone, doing nothing and sometimes I feel that I let him down because instead of staying home and hanging out with him, I go out with my friends. I mean, inside I know its not my responsibility to make sure my dad isn't bored with his life, but I feel so freaking guilty and it makes me sick to my stomach to think that I might do something to upset him or let him down. And the whole thing makes me so angry and I don't know how to handle it. I can't just say...dad, you should go make some friends...find yourself a woman...because I really don't have time to sit home and babysit you. And I'm sure he doesn't expect me to sit at home with him all the time, but I feel so guilty going out. When he was home on vacation for two weeks I was so busy between work and other commitments that I barely saw him and I know that it upset him and it upset me too, but its not like he said anything about it when he was off. Its not like he attempted to make any plans with me. I said to him we should make plans to go to the shore or go to mystic aquarium or something and he said okay, but then never followed through and I was left feeling guilty because I went on with my life. Grrrr and when I really sit and think about it, I get mad at God and I know thats not the right thing to do, but seriously, if my mom was still here, things wouldn't be like this. I wouldn't have had to have 2 jobs this summer, I would have been able to hang out with my dad more, but I wouldn't have to worry about hanging out with him cuz he would have my mom to hang out with. I get so angry some days that I feel like I'm going to burst because its just not fair. I mean, some days I'm fine, but others I'm really not. And I don't know who to talk to about it. My friends have all heard it tons of times and I'm sure they don't want to hear it again and my family...well we just have serious communication issues and people (especially my sister jill) just go on and act like my mom never even existed. And most days I'm fine...I mean I have moved on and I do have a life without my mother in it...I mean not a day goes by that I don't think about her and miss her, but usually I lead a pretty happy and normal life. But then I look at my dad and he hasn't moved on. He seems so unhappy and that makes me feel guilty. Like why have I moved on and he hasn't? Should I have not moved on?? Did I know greive and morn correctly???
I don't even know.
I haven't talked to people about all of these emotions in forever. I just can't bring myself to discuss them. I can't look at a person and be like...I really think there is something screwy in my head and while I may look alright on the outside...there's a lot going on on the inside that no one really knows about...and I think I might need some help. Who could I possibly even say that to?? I mean all I ever do is listen to my friends' problems (don't get me wrong...I love listening to their problems and trying to help), but they all have so many problems of their own and I don't want to lump any of my problems onto any of them. You don't know how badly I just want someone to hold me and let me cry. I want someone to put their arms around me and tell me they love me and mean it and that they'll take care of me and help me make my pain go away. Everything just seems so screwy right now.
Let me just give everyone a little example of what goes on inside my head and what I think isn't normal. We had girl's night tonight (me, tina, holly, and melissa). On the way home tina says you should just stay at my house tonight and I'll bring you to work in the morning. Well I just really wanted to go home to the comfort of my own bed since I don't get to sleep in it that often (I sleep on my sister's couch 2 nights a week). So tina jokingly says...I get it...you don't love me anymore. Well for most people that would end right there and and they would be at home asleep in their cozy beds. Well it doesn't end there for me. Right now I'm sitting here having a panic attack thinking maybe I should have stayed at her house...I haven't stayed their in forever....Is she gonna think I'm mad at her.....I used to stay at her house all the time but I think I've only stayed their twice this whole summer, does that mean our friendship is falling apart....that can't happen....maybe a i should call her....but now its too late and she's not gonna wanna come back here. Thats whats going on in my head right now and personally I don't think that that is normal. Most people don't have a problem with such a simple decision, but I do and I don't know why. I'm also panicing because I barely talked to anyone tonight and I don't understand that either. These are my best friends in the world and I don't feel like I said 2 important things to them the whole night. If I can't talk to them, who can I talk to??? And now I'm sitting here in my room, sobbing all by myself and I just feel like screaming.
I think a lot of the anxiety problems I've been having lately stem from my enormous fear that I am going to end up utterly alone. I feel like I'm going to do something to make everyone hate me and I'm going to somehow or another lose everyone that I love. You don't know how much that scares me. It doesn't scare me a little bit....it frightens me to the point that I can't sleep or eat and I have nightmares that I'm alone. Like right now thinking about that...I can barely even catch my breath. And I wish I could make that fear go away...I mean it sounds so silly to me when I type it out, but it still scares me beyond belief. I'm so scared that I'm going to make a mistake and screw up my life and lose everyone and everything that I care about. There are so many risks that I wish that I could be taking, but I won't because I don't want to disappoint anyone or hurt anyone or upset anyone. I wish I could change myself and make all of this just go away, but I honestly don't know how. And like I said earlier...I just want someone to confide in, someone who understands me and loves me for me and will let me cry and just hold me for as long as I need to be held and then some. I can't believe I'm typing this...I sound so freaking needy...but I feel needy. I'm sick of always being strong. For once in my life...I don't want to worry about everyone else...I need to worry about me...but I don't even think that I'm capable of doing that.
My head is so messed up. I'm gonna go try to read for a little while and calm down and then hopefully get some sleep. Thanks to everyone who actually reads this and I'm sorry it was so long and rambly but I needed to get it all out.