About Tourette's
So, a few years ago, I made this post about my bipolar. When I was diagnosed with Tourette's, it was mainly because of the bipolar that I was brought in at all. In fact, the last neurologist I ever saw told me that 'Tourette's isn't your problem, bipolar is. You don't need a neurologist, you need a psychiatrist.' And that was true. Yes, I had the coughing thing, and that any other tics got better or worse depending on what meds I was on. After I weaned myself off the medication, the tics got a little worse, but never intolerably so. And of course, though I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, after the meds were gone I haven't been clinically bipolar. Other issues, yes, but I'll get to that.
I did a research project in high school where I found the statistic (source now lost to time) that in 1/3 of Tourett'es patients the disorder lessens in severity at adulthood. I figured that that was what had happened, the Tourette's went and took its accessory disorder along. Over college the severity of everything lessened. It wasn't until I had my first panic attack in college that the tics came back with any noticeable force. And, even after then, it got to the point that you could classify it as an idiosyncrasy rather than a disorder. I'd make the geep noise in times of high excitement, sometimes tic when I was stressed, sometimes stab people with my shoulderblades when spooning. But even so, it was mild enough that it became more of a 'fun fact' than part of my life, and it barely felt like a disease. I felt like a fraud sometimes, and didn't talk about it much. You don't tout a diagnosis when the most it amounts to is an odd noise and a twitch once a... I never even knew how often it happened because I paid it so little attention. The worst the tics got were when it was being talked about, which definitely felt like a bit of a sham.
Since graduating, though, my stress levels soared and the tics came back to the point where I felt okay even calling it Tourette's. Even so, I knew it was harmless and if I let my body have its fun it would go away and let me be. That was, until recently.
Over the past week, my body has decided a few things. Now, I talk about this like there's another person in here. That's how it feels. When you read about it, they call tics 'involuntary movements or noises,' and I don't like that definition. Involuntary to me sounds like along the same lines as a seizure, or some sort of Dr. Strangelove condition where your body goes off and does its own thing while you watch helplessly. It's not very like that, really, unless you're not paying attention. Of course, I've seen people doodle and foot jiggle and whatever without realizing- but I'm rambling. Many tics are a lot like a drill sergeant in your head commanding you "You are going to twitch the muscle in your neck until I say stop, and not until then! Do you hear me? There will be consequences!" To put it in terms someone can relate to, it's a lot like needing to sneeze or cough or yawn. You can stop it, but you know your body will get very uncomfortable until you follow the suggestion. I still, even now, feel silly going 'this is what Tourette's feels like!' when most of my life it's been mildly inconvenient or uncomfortable at most. There have been exceptions, I may have downplayed my experiences earlier since the Tourette's paled so much in comparison with the bipolar, but that's how my fallible memory sees it.
Anyway, this past week. The tics have been more frequent and present, but it wasn't until the other day that trouble happened. I was driving home from work, and I started doing the shoulderblade tic. All at once, I decided that it was stupid. I'm not sure why, most times I just let it ride, but this time I said to myself, 'You have driven a thousand times without needing to stab the seat with your scapula. You stop that,' and so I sat. For about 100 feet of drive time, feeling a weird sense of pseudo-normalcy like at the beginning of a horror movie when the family is happily moving into the big old house that will be just perfect for everyone to reconnect as a family in, when my body said 'ha, nope!' Suddenly all the repressed tic-energy exploded in a sort of shoulder roll that, since the shoulders are connected to the arms to the steering wheel, nearly sent me into the median. Since then it's gotten worse. Today I spent a block driving to work with my shoulderblades hyperextended, pushing against the steering wheel, forcing myself backwards with all of my arm joints locked straight. You try to drive as the old version of Frankenstein's monster- frankly, it hurt. I remedied it by blasting Metallica and crying a bit, which when combined with my arms getting tired convinced my brain to quit. However, immediately afterwards I got the sensation that BEING IN MY BODY IS UNCOMFORTABLE. I NEED TO LEAVE. Nothing to do about that except fidget and nearly cry again from frustration. (I've had the sensation before, I usually dealt with it by removing clothing. I never associated it with Tourette's until now.) On getting to work I had to spend time powerwalking around the clinic because STANDING STILL IS BAD.
I know full well why this is happening. Finals are coming, I'm planning summer and fall semester, my stress levels are high. However, it is very frustrating that it's manifesting like this. I have more or less beaten my panic attacks, I've gotten very good at averting them or mitigating them. I work out when possible, have been going to church, seeing a counselor. I'm really not sure what else to do. But until then, I twitch.
I did a research project in high school where I found the statistic (source now lost to time) that in 1/3 of Tourett'es patients the disorder lessens in severity at adulthood. I figured that that was what had happened, the Tourette's went and took its accessory disorder along. Over college the severity of everything lessened. It wasn't until I had my first panic attack in college that the tics came back with any noticeable force. And, even after then, it got to the point that you could classify it as an idiosyncrasy rather than a disorder. I'd make the geep noise in times of high excitement, sometimes tic when I was stressed, sometimes stab people with my shoulderblades when spooning. But even so, it was mild enough that it became more of a 'fun fact' than part of my life, and it barely felt like a disease. I felt like a fraud sometimes, and didn't talk about it much. You don't tout a diagnosis when the most it amounts to is an odd noise and a twitch once a... I never even knew how often it happened because I paid it so little attention. The worst the tics got were when it was being talked about, which definitely felt like a bit of a sham.
Since graduating, though, my stress levels soared and the tics came back to the point where I felt okay even calling it Tourette's. Even so, I knew it was harmless and if I let my body have its fun it would go away and let me be. That was, until recently.
Over the past week, my body has decided a few things. Now, I talk about this like there's another person in here. That's how it feels. When you read about it, they call tics 'involuntary movements or noises,' and I don't like that definition. Involuntary to me sounds like along the same lines as a seizure, or some sort of Dr. Strangelove condition where your body goes off and does its own thing while you watch helplessly. It's not very like that, really, unless you're not paying attention. Of course, I've seen people doodle and foot jiggle and whatever without realizing- but I'm rambling. Many tics are a lot like a drill sergeant in your head commanding you "You are going to twitch the muscle in your neck until I say stop, and not until then! Do you hear me? There will be consequences!" To put it in terms someone can relate to, it's a lot like needing to sneeze or cough or yawn. You can stop it, but you know your body will get very uncomfortable until you follow the suggestion. I still, even now, feel silly going 'this is what Tourette's feels like!' when most of my life it's been mildly inconvenient or uncomfortable at most. There have been exceptions, I may have downplayed my experiences earlier since the Tourette's paled so much in comparison with the bipolar, but that's how my fallible memory sees it.
Anyway, this past week. The tics have been more frequent and present, but it wasn't until the other day that trouble happened. I was driving home from work, and I started doing the shoulderblade tic. All at once, I decided that it was stupid. I'm not sure why, most times I just let it ride, but this time I said to myself, 'You have driven a thousand times without needing to stab the seat with your scapula. You stop that,' and so I sat. For about 100 feet of drive time, feeling a weird sense of pseudo-normalcy like at the beginning of a horror movie when the family is happily moving into the big old house that will be just perfect for everyone to reconnect as a family in, when my body said 'ha, nope!' Suddenly all the repressed tic-energy exploded in a sort of shoulder roll that, since the shoulders are connected to the arms to the steering wheel, nearly sent me into the median. Since then it's gotten worse. Today I spent a block driving to work with my shoulderblades hyperextended, pushing against the steering wheel, forcing myself backwards with all of my arm joints locked straight. You try to drive as the old version of Frankenstein's monster- frankly, it hurt. I remedied it by blasting Metallica and crying a bit, which when combined with my arms getting tired convinced my brain to quit. However, immediately afterwards I got the sensation that BEING IN MY BODY IS UNCOMFORTABLE. I NEED TO LEAVE. Nothing to do about that except fidget and nearly cry again from frustration. (I've had the sensation before, I usually dealt with it by removing clothing. I never associated it with Tourette's until now.) On getting to work I had to spend time powerwalking around the clinic because STANDING STILL IS BAD.
I know full well why this is happening. Finals are coming, I'm planning summer and fall semester, my stress levels are high. However, it is very frustrating that it's manifesting like this. I have more or less beaten my panic attacks, I've gotten very good at averting them or mitigating them. I work out when possible, have been going to church, seeing a counselor. I'm really not sure what else to do. But until then, I twitch.