so hurt
There is so much to be said I dont even know where to start.. theres this wonderful guy in my life.. that i knew was the one for me when I saw his picture.. I knew he was the one for me with out even having said hello.. I started talking to him and it made that feeling even better.. I know God made it happen and it was meant to be because ever sense that day I havnt been able to let go of him.. the first night we talked.. we talked for about 6 hours and it was amazing. I was able to tell him everything and anything with out having to worry about a thing.. the relationship grew from an acquaintance to a friendship.. I knew he was the one for me that night.. that night I cried my self to sleep it wasnt because he was being a jerk but I thought that I had fucked up my chance to be with someone I felt very strong for.. I had a feeling inside of me.. a strong one.. a feeling that people call love.. but what is love really? Love isnt just a feeling.. its a connection that two people share with in a relationship.. its a bonding that you get and you always have.. love is those little things that everyone seems to forget about.. all those little things that make one big difference in your life.. love is when you cant wait a minute to talk to or see that person.. love is always being there for the person no matter what.. love is when you miss all those little thing he or she will say to you to comfort you.. love is when you know exactly how to make the person happy with out ever being told how to do it.. and thats what I share with him.. after that night I knew even more so that we were meant to be because after I cried my self to sleep we were able to talk about it and I knew right there we could get through anything.. when he first asked me to be his.. it was like a dream come true.. I was going to be with the one guy I really cared about.. those were the best two weeks of my life.. not only did he and I get closer but he also brought me to the best friend in the world.. she is one of the best chicks in the world and I dont know what I would do with out her or him.. we broke up and it killed me but yet I had faith that he would come back to me.. I knew he was the one for me and I wasnt going to give it up so I tried my hardest to get him back and eventually it worked for a 2nd time.. cant really tell you how long that lasted but it wasnt very long.. then I was ripped to shreds again but yet I still had that faith in side of me.. from day one I knew I was going to marry that man and I told people everyday that I would.. never had one doubt in my mind that it wasnt going to happen.. and yet I kept trying.. even though we couldnt keep a relationship going we were always there for each other through thick and thin.. there wasnt one thing that I couldnt talk to him about and he was there for me.. and the same with me for him.. we got so close with in the time that we talked that nothing would stop me from talking to him..not even my mom.. I was forbidden to talk him after one night when I went crazy.. it took my mom and grandfather to hold me down while my grandmother attempted to dial 911.. I had to get rid of msn after that and needless to say that didnt happen for more than two weeks.. but the anticipation of him emailing me everyday for two weeks was crazy.. I would constantly check my email to see if I had gotten an email from him.. and I came to realize that when I clicked the refresh button nothing appeared.. 2 seconds later the same happened and yet I continued to click the refresh button.. we had many fights in our time but from those fights came laughter and we were able to over come just about any obstacle put in our way.. we have so many jokes between the two of us I dont think I could say more than half of them.. we started dating again for the third time on july 24th of 2002 and are still together.. from what I know.. in the past three months and 3 weeks.. we gotten so close that we know what each other is thinking.. we know exactly what is going to come out of their mouth at certain times and almost always have said something at the same time then pause and then do the same thing over then laugh.. we’ve gotten so close that he knows what im feeling.. the two nights that I was thinking about breaking up with him bc of me being pissed off at my self.. he had a dream about it.. it blows me away how we have that connection as to where we can tell what each other is thinking but yet its so natural.. thats where I went wrong tonight.. even tho we can sense what the other is feeling we cant read minds.. he cant tell when im having a bad day and he cant even tell when im not trying to take things out on him.. except for what I deliver to him.. tonight we got into a fight and it has completely ripped me apart its not even funny.. he threatened or was joking around to a bad joke and I blew up on him being mad and it not being funny.. not only was he saying something to piss me off but yet another person.. it killed me to hear him say what he did tonight and it hurt very much .. I had explained to him that he had changed sense day one but I couldnt think of a time to back up my statement.. I cant think when im upset and crying and I jut say alot of things.. stupid things that end up ruining everything.. or close to.. after we got done three waying he called me to talk to me. And I couldnt even talk.. I was so shook up that I couldnt get the words out.. it was normal because he always manages to take my breath away and allow me to stay silent.. he told me he wanted a break and I went into shock.. I always thought we would be together forever and thats how it was going to be.. and then he said that tonight and told me that I had never yelled at him like I had tongiht and that killed me in it self.. not only did I hear how badly I treated him but how he wanted to take a break and fix him self.. I cant picture my life with out him being my fiancé ne more.. not sense we have gotten so close.. I suggested that we work it out together as a couple because thats what couples do for each other.. they talk things out right? He left and I started to ball.. I called a friend and cried worse then I have ever cried before.. my heart started to hurt which I had never had happen before and all that was running through my head was how he had said he wanted a break.. it killed me and I couldnt stop thinking about how bad of a person I had been to make him feel that wayl It had never happened like that it I didnt think it would.. I couldnt breathe very well and I started to get dizzy too.. I couldnt stop crying so I decided to let it all out in here.. realizing all that we’ve been through gives me my comfort that I need to know that everything will be ok.. but I just with I had had the cance to make everything right tonight.. instead of lingering on it.. time is something that does not travel backwards but forwards repeating it self.. like time we are humans repeating the same thing over and over again.. fighting and turning it in to a positive thing which has been happening between us from day one.. here is that faith running through my body knowing that everything will be ok and everything happens for a reason and this reason is yet to be discovered..