(no subject)
Ya know all my life all I have heard is how negative I am. About how I’ll be the only one who doesn’t graduate. How I’ll never made anything of myself. I’ve heard this my whole life… Don’t you think that it would get to someone? Now that I think that I can get away from it all and I don’t have to hear it I still do. I can’t help my family is negative. I can’t help that no one believed in me. I can’t help that I was abused mentally, physically, and sexually. I can’t help any of it, does anyone understand that? Because you know what to me it’s like no one is listening to me. I did graduate and I did get a good job and I did quit smoking for a while. Now after I think I’ve had enough of the negative shit my mom calls me and starts yelling at me because I don’t have a job. So of course that would make someone feel like shit. I’ve been through a lot and ya know what it isn’t going to stop there. The rest of my life I will have a hard time with whatever I do. Why? Because I’m transgender and no one accepts me for that. I mean my friends do but I’ll have a hard time with jobs and such.
I broke today. I had a great night last night and I just can’t handle it anymore. I broke down and sat there and cried. Why? I donno I worry too much and people tell me to stop but I can’t that’s who I am and I don’t think people understand that. Now guess what I’m doing breaking again. I don’t ever cry and now all I have been doing is crying and I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know why I’m mad or angry or upset it just happens. I don’t have insurance, nor money, or a car, or a fucking job. I know I should look at the positive in this that I have an interview tomorrow but I’m still bummed, that’s just who I am and I just wish everything would go away but it wont. It won’t ever go away. So I made Chris in a bad mood today because we argued about when she was coming home and I was mad because I didn’t think we were going to go camping this weekend. Now she doesn’t want to come home because I have put her in a bad mood. I don’t mean to do the things I do it just happens. When I think I’m venting I’m actually bitching. See what happens is something goes wrong and I’m not the person to forget about it. So something goes wrong and then I vent to Chris well she gets to the point where she can’t take it anymore. Therefore I put her in a bad mood and she doesn’t want to come home when really all I want to do is spend as much time with her as I can.
I love Chris so much… Sometimes I think I bitch too much for her to see how much she really means to me. I know her job is her job but don’t tell me something and not do it. Last week I bought her some flowers, with me not having a job I spent all my money on that dozen of flowers to show her how much she was appreciated and I don’t think I’m doing enough. At this point I don’t think I am actually what she wants nor needs. So what am I giving myself a guilt trip maybe but what’s it matter? I mean I can’t do anything else at this point to fuck up my life besides leave Chris and that’s something I’m not ever going to do. But I can’t say that she won’t ever leave me because of my bullshit I just don’t want that say to come and I think it just might. People can only take so much shit and then they reach their limit. Well the way I’m going she’ll reach it soon. I can’t help that I let everything bug me that’s how I was raised and that’s how I think now. I try to stop myself but I can’t get this off my mind. I can’t ever get anything off my mind. I just want her to know that she means the world to me and without her I donno what I’d do. She has helped me with a lot in my life. Without her I would have never brought the shit Rick did to me back up and talk about it but I do. She is my soul mate, my best friend and my lover. I’d trust her with my life. I’ve never known that someone could love as much as I do. To find someone like this or in my case to find her was like a dream come true.
I broke today. I had a great night last night and I just can’t handle it anymore. I broke down and sat there and cried. Why? I donno I worry too much and people tell me to stop but I can’t that’s who I am and I don’t think people understand that. Now guess what I’m doing breaking again. I don’t ever cry and now all I have been doing is crying and I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know why I’m mad or angry or upset it just happens. I don’t have insurance, nor money, or a car, or a fucking job. I know I should look at the positive in this that I have an interview tomorrow but I’m still bummed, that’s just who I am and I just wish everything would go away but it wont. It won’t ever go away. So I made Chris in a bad mood today because we argued about when she was coming home and I was mad because I didn’t think we were going to go camping this weekend. Now she doesn’t want to come home because I have put her in a bad mood. I don’t mean to do the things I do it just happens. When I think I’m venting I’m actually bitching. See what happens is something goes wrong and I’m not the person to forget about it. So something goes wrong and then I vent to Chris well she gets to the point where she can’t take it anymore. Therefore I put her in a bad mood and she doesn’t want to come home when really all I want to do is spend as much time with her as I can.
I love Chris so much… Sometimes I think I bitch too much for her to see how much she really means to me. I know her job is her job but don’t tell me something and not do it. Last week I bought her some flowers, with me not having a job I spent all my money on that dozen of flowers to show her how much she was appreciated and I don’t think I’m doing enough. At this point I don’t think I am actually what she wants nor needs. So what am I giving myself a guilt trip maybe but what’s it matter? I mean I can’t do anything else at this point to fuck up my life besides leave Chris and that’s something I’m not ever going to do. But I can’t say that she won’t ever leave me because of my bullshit I just don’t want that say to come and I think it just might. People can only take so much shit and then they reach their limit. Well the way I’m going she’ll reach it soon. I can’t help that I let everything bug me that’s how I was raised and that’s how I think now. I try to stop myself but I can’t get this off my mind. I can’t ever get anything off my mind. I just want her to know that she means the world to me and without her I donno what I’d do. She has helped me with a lot in my life. Without her I would have never brought the shit Rick did to me back up and talk about it but I do. She is my soul mate, my best friend and my lover. I’d trust her with my life. I’ve never known that someone could love as much as I do. To find someone like this or in my case to find her was like a dream come true.