Poisoned and Hopeless

Mar 14, 2004 11:57

So as if my long and horrible week wasn't enough...my weekend was even worse.

I don't really feel like getting into too much detail about stuff because quite honestly I'm just sick of crying and so I'd like to avoid that at all costs.

I feel like I go through some interesting things for an 18 year old girl. I mean, some of the things that have been bothering me lately just seem like something nobody my age should be dealing with. I guess thats part of my growing up a little sooner than maybe I should have. I'm going to miss Sofia a real lot. I'm torn between being there for her and being sad for myself because she's leaving. That's another thing thats making this week so horrible...I have to keep myself together for other people and it's not easy. I didn't do that good a job of keeping myself together last night, but I could have been a lot worse since I was feeling a lot worse.

I miss my friends a lot. It really hurts that if I don't get in touch with them for like a week I don't hear from them. It just sorta shows how much of the work in my friendships was all me. I want to try and see people more and stuff but it's really difficult. I don't want to get hurt by my friends anymore and lately it seems to be all they know how to do. I'm hesitant to even talk to people about the stuff thats bothering me because I know they'll just argue their point and make me more and more upset.

I miss the family I had when I was a little kid. It makes me sick to go home now and that is SO sad. I love my mom so much but I need to be me, not my mommy's little girl. If it weren't for her I really dont think I'd ever go home. When I'm home I avoid even being on the same floor as my father. It's really ridiculous how much we've grown to despise eachother. I don't know why my father hates me so much. Aparantly everything I do is wrong. He makes me so mad. Grrrr.

School just plain sucks. I don't know what to do about it. I've been having such a hard time motivating myself to go there and lately haven't even been going. I guess everything inlife is just making me really depressed and its effecting my school life. Nobody's going to want a 5 year highschool studnet at their college anyways so why am I even trying so hard? Everybody there just makes me feel like shit.

I miss the old times soooooo much. I cry over it every night.

Thank God for Bill. What would I do without him? He's great ya know that? I just wish I could help him with stuff too. I wish he would make it possible for Steph to be totally out of my life too so I can drop it like Chris says in his journal.

What will make me truly happy? I can't find the answer inside myself and that just makes everything a million times worse.

Sorry to be so pessimistic guys but lifes just treating me like crap lately, and so is my family and friends.
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