The truth of it all
I've been single now for a month. On the surface that doesn't seem like that long at all, I know. The thing is though, my entire life I have jumped through relationship after relationship. Since I was 15, I can't remember a period of time longer then a couple months, if that, where I was truly single. It's been a constant mess of emotional attachment to one guy after another. Causing me nothing but an insane amount of hurt, confusion, and a huge waste of time. I can't go back and un-due anything I have done, and I wouldn't anyways because everything happens for a reason. I guess I have just finally woken up to the realization of how messed up I was being.
This last relationship with ben, I knew that I wasn't meant to be with him for the last few months of our relationship. If I'm honest with myself, I knew from the beginning that it would never work. But me, I like a challenge and I like to think I can make anything work that I put my mind to. The relationship caused me so much pain that I could never begin to express to anyone how badly it hurt me emotionally. I never felt like I was worth anything, or loved in the way my heart deperately wanted to be loved. In every relationship I have ever been in, I was so adored and I always knew it. I am not sure why I couldn't feel that way with ben. But, it was always the same situation...me trying desperately to grab his attention. To feel for one second that I meant the world to him, and he couldn't live without me. He could though, and I knew it all along. Yet kept holding onto some hope that I was wrong.
I remember sitting in church one sunday a few months back, with ben sitting right next to me. I kept looking around at all the people, seeing couples sitting so close together and being completely in tune to God, and to each other, wishing that it was me and ben doing the same thing. Instead, it was like it always was. Him sitting in his own 'spot' with no emotional or physical invitation to join him in his world. There was never an open spot for me, and I constantly tried to squeeze in. I remember what happened next so vividly...me sitting there silently praying to God, asking him why it was like that. Why couldn't I get into his world and have a relationship the way I wanted to. What happened next will always shock me...it was like God stepped out of the mars hill ceiling and stared me straight in the eyes saying that it was because I wasn't meant to be with Ben. HA, I pretty much knew that was the answer all along. I just wasn't ready to admit get rid of him. Why I don't know because it caused me nothing but heartache and tears on a continual basis. I'm stubborn though, and hate to lose.
After that night nothing really got better. I think in my head I tried to convince myself that it did, but it didn't. I still spent every night, every moment on the phone, every moment alone, and every moment together--wishing we could just connect in the way I needed and wanted to bad. It never happened. I think there were a few close calls and I sat there and enjoyed them for the few moments until reality set in before I realized yet again it wasn't meant to work. I don't think I have ever in my life tried to make something work so hard. Why?! Maybe because the desire in my heart is to get married. To find that one guy! Everyone kept telling me to not settle, but I wanted it so bad that I believe I would have.
Which brings me to the part where it's the end of me and ben. Finally I guess I should say. I mean, I knew it was bound to happen, but just kept holding on to a string that was breaking more and more everyday. The feelings I have about the break-up are so mixed. I mean, I know it was for the best, and every day I wake up feeling so much more relieved. But at the same time, I feel so lonely. In the past 4 years since Daniel, I have never let myself heal from a relationship. How pathetically sad is that?!?! I was always so quick to just jump into another one with no feelings. It was easier. Or so I thought. Until now. I have no idea what happened inside of me, but there is a change.
There was no back-up plan, no running off to another guy, no one other then me and Jesus. It's crazy actually because I have no idea how or when my heart and mind changed. All that matters to me right now is doing the right thing. It's the hardest thing I have ever done, being lonely this is...but I know it's for the best. I'm reading the most amazing book...
See, the thing is...the past four year have been spent trying to fill this void with love. A love so beautiful that everyone wishes they had it. You know, the kind you spend awake at night dreaming about, wondering how you got so lucky. Well, silly me was looking for it in all the wrong places. I need to be in a love like that with my Jesus before I can love someone like that. Maybe that's why all these failed relationships have happened...because I want them to be what Jesus needs to be for me. I want so bad to find that guy, the one who will give me butterflies everytime he looks at me...but, it's not my time yet. God has alot of preparing to do with me before I can handle it the right way. I have messed up so many times in the past 4 years and I am so sick of it. I am in dire need of a change because I can't live like this anymore. No more emotional commitments with people. God should be the only one I can share something like that with for now. I set myself up for heart-break everytime I give any little bit of myself away to another guy. Jesus has to have all of me for now or I can never give myself away completely to my husband.
Which brings me to say that I have found a new passion...(other then jesus!)...PURITY! No more sex for me until I am married. One day I will marry the man of my dreams, and on our wedding night I will experience what every girl dreams about. That beautiful night. I have made alot of mistakes, but my ever faithful, merciful, and forgiving God has forgiven me and made me lily white. I am his until he gives me to someone else. No matter how lonely I get because I don't have someone...I just pray that I hold out. Because the bible says...
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart..." Psalm 37:4 : )---my new favorite verse.
This journey is going to be so hard, and I am probably going to fall more times then I realize. The only thing I know how to do though is trust God, and resist the temptations. I just keep telling myself every time I get a thought I don't want...to nip it in the bud before is has a chance to grow into something that will make me stumble. I am so tired of falling and not getting back up and staying there. I have to be stronger then my weaknesses. Actually no, I can't be stronger in them, only through God's help will I be stronger then Him. He is stronger than any feeling I will ever have.
For now, I am going to enjoy falling in love with my Jesus. I don't need a guy...
This last relationship with ben, I knew that I wasn't meant to be with him for the last few months of our relationship. If I'm honest with myself, I knew from the beginning that it would never work. But me, I like a challenge and I like to think I can make anything work that I put my mind to. The relationship caused me so much pain that I could never begin to express to anyone how badly it hurt me emotionally. I never felt like I was worth anything, or loved in the way my heart deperately wanted to be loved. In every relationship I have ever been in, I was so adored and I always knew it. I am not sure why I couldn't feel that way with ben. But, it was always the same situation...me trying desperately to grab his attention. To feel for one second that I meant the world to him, and he couldn't live without me. He could though, and I knew it all along. Yet kept holding onto some hope that I was wrong.
I remember sitting in church one sunday a few months back, with ben sitting right next to me. I kept looking around at all the people, seeing couples sitting so close together and being completely in tune to God, and to each other, wishing that it was me and ben doing the same thing. Instead, it was like it always was. Him sitting in his own 'spot' with no emotional or physical invitation to join him in his world. There was never an open spot for me, and I constantly tried to squeeze in. I remember what happened next so vividly...me sitting there silently praying to God, asking him why it was like that. Why couldn't I get into his world and have a relationship the way I wanted to. What happened next will always shock me...it was like God stepped out of the mars hill ceiling and stared me straight in the eyes saying that it was because I wasn't meant to be with Ben. HA, I pretty much knew that was the answer all along. I just wasn't ready to admit get rid of him. Why I don't know because it caused me nothing but heartache and tears on a continual basis. I'm stubborn though, and hate to lose.
After that night nothing really got better. I think in my head I tried to convince myself that it did, but it didn't. I still spent every night, every moment on the phone, every moment alone, and every moment together--wishing we could just connect in the way I needed and wanted to bad. It never happened. I think there were a few close calls and I sat there and enjoyed them for the few moments until reality set in before I realized yet again it wasn't meant to work. I don't think I have ever in my life tried to make something work so hard. Why?! Maybe because the desire in my heart is to get married. To find that one guy! Everyone kept telling me to not settle, but I wanted it so bad that I believe I would have.
Which brings me to the part where it's the end of me and ben. Finally I guess I should say. I mean, I knew it was bound to happen, but just kept holding on to a string that was breaking more and more everyday. The feelings I have about the break-up are so mixed. I mean, I know it was for the best, and every day I wake up feeling so much more relieved. But at the same time, I feel so lonely. In the past 4 years since Daniel, I have never let myself heal from a relationship. How pathetically sad is that?!?! I was always so quick to just jump into another one with no feelings. It was easier. Or so I thought. Until now. I have no idea what happened inside of me, but there is a change.
There was no back-up plan, no running off to another guy, no one other then me and Jesus. It's crazy actually because I have no idea how or when my heart and mind changed. All that matters to me right now is doing the right thing. It's the hardest thing I have ever done, being lonely this is...but I know it's for the best. I'm reading the most amazing book...
See, the thing is...the past four year have been spent trying to fill this void with love. A love so beautiful that everyone wishes they had it. You know, the kind you spend awake at night dreaming about, wondering how you got so lucky. Well, silly me was looking for it in all the wrong places. I need to be in a love like that with my Jesus before I can love someone like that. Maybe that's why all these failed relationships have happened...because I want them to be what Jesus needs to be for me. I want so bad to find that guy, the one who will give me butterflies everytime he looks at me...but, it's not my time yet. God has alot of preparing to do with me before I can handle it the right way. I have messed up so many times in the past 4 years and I am so sick of it. I am in dire need of a change because I can't live like this anymore. No more emotional commitments with people. God should be the only one I can share something like that with for now. I set myself up for heart-break everytime I give any little bit of myself away to another guy. Jesus has to have all of me for now or I can never give myself away completely to my husband.
Which brings me to say that I have found a new passion...(other then jesus!)...PURITY! No more sex for me until I am married. One day I will marry the man of my dreams, and on our wedding night I will experience what every girl dreams about. That beautiful night. I have made alot of mistakes, but my ever faithful, merciful, and forgiving God has forgiven me and made me lily white. I am his until he gives me to someone else. No matter how lonely I get because I don't have someone...I just pray that I hold out. Because the bible says...
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart..." Psalm 37:4 : )---my new favorite verse.
This journey is going to be so hard, and I am probably going to fall more times then I realize. The only thing I know how to do though is trust God, and resist the temptations. I just keep telling myself every time I get a thought I don't want...to nip it in the bud before is has a chance to grow into something that will make me stumble. I am so tired of falling and not getting back up and staying there. I have to be stronger then my weaknesses. Actually no, I can't be stronger in them, only through God's help will I be stronger then Him. He is stronger than any feeling I will ever have.
For now, I am going to enjoy falling in love with my Jesus. I don't need a guy...