Realizations
Break-ups are a pretty crappy thing to go through. You think you find that "one" person you are going to be with for your life, they say all the right things to keep you with them at the beginning and then you find yourself, months later attached to the point where you can't see yourself without them. I've been doing alot of thinking and I wonder to myself is that what we all mistake for love?! That feeling that we just can't see ourself without them because life would be miserable? Because as I sit here, alone and with no boyfriend; I find myself questioning the word, 'love' that we all use so easily with no thoughts. Sex makes you think you love someone faster then anything. I have come to the realization that I am no longer having sex until I am married because of this exact reason. More times then I would love to count I have become attached because of that very thing. There is no such thing as becoming friends before you start a relationship anymore, to see if you even have the chemistry and everything is takes to be in a relationship. Instead, people just jump into sex and then before you know it you are in a 'serious relationship' with them when you barely even know them. I'm not sure if it's the guy, or the girl, and it's probably different in every situation but, I notice that once you have sex you either don't think you need to get to know them as a person because it doesn't matter, or it's just about sex. I find myself wondering why people do this when the situations continue to be the same. Meet a guy, have sex, think you guys are meant to be together, it's good for a few months until reality starts to sink in, you break up, realize that you never really 'loved' them like you thought you did because it was all based on something it shouldn't have been in the first place. It's amazing to me how much one thing, such as sex, can cause so much heart-ache and troubles. It's no wonder that my parents taught me to be a virgin until I was married. You get attached in a way that's hard to break away from. I don't doubt I loved him. But, I definitely believe it was a different kind of love then I thought it was. And the sad part is, I would have never realized it if we hadn't broke up that first time. I am definitely sad that we broke up. He's a good guy despite a few things that drove me crazy and I just couldn't deal with anymore. We had good times, and he helped me in some ways. I care about him a great deal and I believe I always will but, this is definitely for the best. When you get out a relationship, and near the end of it you start to realize the things that you never really did in the first place but, everyone else did and no matter how many times they told you you were to blind. Like it says, 'love is blind' I guess! You also start to realize what you want in someone...And, I've come to some decisions that the next guy I have a serious relationship with... these are the things I will not settle for less in, no matter how much I like them...sex and fun can only go so far...(it's the sad truth)
1. God has to be an important, and essential part of their life. In every relationship I've had except one... God hasn't been an essential piece and that is probably why none of my relationships have ever worked.
2. An interest in my life. I want them to ask me questions and know everything about me.
3. That they will be willing to become my best friend first and not just think they can get in my pants. If someone loves you, and wants to be with you that won't matter and they will do anything, and wait however long it takes to be with you.
4. Not be a selfish person. Yes, everyone is selfish in ways but, I have recently come to realize that if one person is extremely selfish and only concerned about themselves, the relationship suffers.
5. Has goals for their life. Either knows what they want to do, and are striving to make it happen, or are already doing it.
6. Maturity. I'm 23 and I'm not the most mature person in the world and I don't expect them to be completey mature but, there has got to be a median.
7. SOMEONE WHO IS WILLING TO WORK FOR ME. I am soo sick of being the one who does all the work to try and make relationships work. It seems I give, give, give and I get barely nothing in return. I want a relationship where both people work the exact same to make things work.
8. I want my husband. Yeah, scary thing maybe but, I'm not getting any younger and this dating thing is getting old.
So, those are some of the things on my mind lately...I'm so thankful for this breakup because it's teaching me alot. I'm also thankful for God because if it wasn't for Him, I sure wouldn't be thinking the way I am right now, or handling this so well. I get attached very easily, and I realize I've tried to fill a void that's only meant for God, with guys 'love and affection' thinking it's all I needed when inside, I was completely miserable. I have no idea what my life has in store, or where my relationship with God is going to go from here. But, I hope, and am going to strive to figure out my life with Him in it. If it means changing my lifestyle, and giving up some things like dating, then that's what I will do because I know that someday, later on, it will be worth it all. I've ran from every problem, and God for far too long and I'm tired of running. I want to become the strong, independent person I used to be without relying on some guy for what I think I need. Some of the people in my life don't understand the 'religious' part of my life and they may never not but, I can't let anyone, or anything stand in my way anymore. I've wasted so much time trying to make sense of people, the world, and everything in it by myself and I can't do it. I need something stronger because when I do things on my own I fail and just keep getting hurt over and over. I went to church yesterday for the first time in so long and let me say I have not, in the past year felt once the peace I felt yesterday. That shows something. My pastor read a passage that stuck out to me that I felt God was just showing me. Like it was just meant for me...it's 1 Peter 5:10....
'But after you have suffered a while, may the God of all grace, who has called us into His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, make you perfect, establish, strengthen, settle you.'
That hit me smack in the face like a brick. That was for me and I definitely believe God is trying to get ahold of my heart. I've fallen so far, and made more mistakes then I want to admit but, God forgives and once he forgives it's forgotten and I need to realize that.
If I lose friends, if I lose a guy I thought I loved, or anything. I am just going to have to realize that they weren't meant to be in my life in the first place. I'm tired of feeling lost, alone, the feeling of searching for something and trying to fill this void that when I walk into a church, sing a song, and feel the feeling I've been searching for...then wouldn't I be stupid to not strive to have that feeling ALL THE TIME?! This will be one of the hardest things I've ever done and I am going to fall so many times but, I want that feeling. I want God, and his undescribable, amazing love. No guy will ever be able to give me that until it's through God, and he has the love for God like I do. I will not settle for a meaningless relationship that God is not part of. I know I've said alot of this before but...I have to do it this time...it's like God's saying..."how much more heart-ache do you need before you realize you need me, Melissa?" ...
I'm going to trust God when he says...
TRUST IN HIM WITH ALL MY HEART. LEAN NOT UNTO MY OWN UNDERSTANDING, AND IN ALL MY WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM AND HE WILL DIRECT MY PATHS...
I feel so alive, and refreshed. God is seriously awesome, and oh so gracious to keep saving me over and over. I can't wait to see what my God has in store for me if I keep my eyes on him!
1. God has to be an important, and essential part of their life. In every relationship I've had except one... God hasn't been an essential piece and that is probably why none of my relationships have ever worked.
2. An interest in my life. I want them to ask me questions and know everything about me.
3. That they will be willing to become my best friend first and not just think they can get in my pants. If someone loves you, and wants to be with you that won't matter and they will do anything, and wait however long it takes to be with you.
4. Not be a selfish person. Yes, everyone is selfish in ways but, I have recently come to realize that if one person is extremely selfish and only concerned about themselves, the relationship suffers.
5. Has goals for their life. Either knows what they want to do, and are striving to make it happen, or are already doing it.
6. Maturity. I'm 23 and I'm not the most mature person in the world and I don't expect them to be completey mature but, there has got to be a median.
7. SOMEONE WHO IS WILLING TO WORK FOR ME. I am soo sick of being the one who does all the work to try and make relationships work. It seems I give, give, give and I get barely nothing in return. I want a relationship where both people work the exact same to make things work.
8. I want my husband. Yeah, scary thing maybe but, I'm not getting any younger and this dating thing is getting old.
So, those are some of the things on my mind lately...I'm so thankful for this breakup because it's teaching me alot. I'm also thankful for God because if it wasn't for Him, I sure wouldn't be thinking the way I am right now, or handling this so well. I get attached very easily, and I realize I've tried to fill a void that's only meant for God, with guys 'love and affection' thinking it's all I needed when inside, I was completely miserable. I have no idea what my life has in store, or where my relationship with God is going to go from here. But, I hope, and am going to strive to figure out my life with Him in it. If it means changing my lifestyle, and giving up some things like dating, then that's what I will do because I know that someday, later on, it will be worth it all. I've ran from every problem, and God for far too long and I'm tired of running. I want to become the strong, independent person I used to be without relying on some guy for what I think I need. Some of the people in my life don't understand the 'religious' part of my life and they may never not but, I can't let anyone, or anything stand in my way anymore. I've wasted so much time trying to make sense of people, the world, and everything in it by myself and I can't do it. I need something stronger because when I do things on my own I fail and just keep getting hurt over and over. I went to church yesterday for the first time in so long and let me say I have not, in the past year felt once the peace I felt yesterday. That shows something. My pastor read a passage that stuck out to me that I felt God was just showing me. Like it was just meant for me...it's 1 Peter 5:10....
'But after you have suffered a while, may the God of all grace, who has called us into His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, make you perfect, establish, strengthen, settle you.'
That hit me smack in the face like a brick. That was for me and I definitely believe God is trying to get ahold of my heart. I've fallen so far, and made more mistakes then I want to admit but, God forgives and once he forgives it's forgotten and I need to realize that.
If I lose friends, if I lose a guy I thought I loved, or anything. I am just going to have to realize that they weren't meant to be in my life in the first place. I'm tired of feeling lost, alone, the feeling of searching for something and trying to fill this void that when I walk into a church, sing a song, and feel the feeling I've been searching for...then wouldn't I be stupid to not strive to have that feeling ALL THE TIME?! This will be one of the hardest things I've ever done and I am going to fall so many times but, I want that feeling. I want God, and his undescribable, amazing love. No guy will ever be able to give me that until it's through God, and he has the love for God like I do. I will not settle for a meaningless relationship that God is not part of. I know I've said alot of this before but...I have to do it this time...it's like God's saying..."how much more heart-ache do you need before you realize you need me, Melissa?" ...
I'm going to trust God when he says...
TRUST IN HIM WITH ALL MY HEART. LEAN NOT UNTO MY OWN UNDERSTANDING, AND IN ALL MY WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM AND HE WILL DIRECT MY PATHS...
I feel so alive, and refreshed. God is seriously awesome, and oh so gracious to keep saving me over and over. I can't wait to see what my God has in store for me if I keep my eyes on him!