My Theme Song
Posting this was a spontanous decision, because the rant I was planning to post next is taking a bit longer to write (my ranting always turns out longer than expected... I should be used to it by now).
So this time, I want to tell you something about me.
As most of you might know (or have realized by now), I love music. Next to songs I just like to listen to, there are a lot of songs that have carried me through rough patches in my life (during my first break-up, I listened excessively to Madonna's "The Power of Goodbye", for example) and therefore mean more to me than any other piece of music.
However, there is just one song I consider my very personal theme song, and I recommend it to all people who want to know me or think they already do.
Why this song?
Let me start by saying that I adore stylistic devices in writing, especially imagery and metaphors, and that I love little details that reveal a deeper dimension once you look closer. The lyrics here all full of those. And if you think about it, you will realize that most of those images are in fact paradoxes, contradictions in themselves.
That is exactly what I am.
I have many facets, but a lot of people only see the surface. That's not their fault, it's the part of me I show to everyone first of all. According to people who met me for the first time, I am "charismatic, outgoing, confident, funny and mysterious". I'm not making this up, it's what friends of friends usually say.
People often end up liking me for that side they see. The only problem is that this is not me. It's an elaborate mask to hide the part of me that is shy, vulnerable and scared of not being liked.
And besides that, I also have a dark side. If someone pushes me too far, I don't get violent, I get cold and calculating. I end up hurting people, not in a physical way, but that doesn't make it less harmful.
Finally, I have a lot of secrets. I did a lot of things in my life and faced many difficult decisions, and not all of them were good. I am scared to talk about certain things, because it would change the way others see me forever.
I'm a caring, open-minded person, but I'm not a good girl. I never was.
Still, if I meet someone that is important to me, a person I love dearly with all my heart, I want them to know. I want them to see all my sides, not just the one I deliberatly show. And for that, I am willing to accept the consequences.
"I'd rather people hate me for who I am than love me for who I'm not."
That's a truth I firmly believe in.
So now you might ask: Well, who are you?
See, I can't tell you that. Not even I know. I feel often split, because different sides of me want entirely different things. All I can really do to answer that question is to try and show you. One thing is sure though: I'm different from what yo think.
And that is exactly the message of that song. What if I am total contradiction in myself? What if I showed you all my facets? Would you still love me?
It's up to you to answer that...
Emilie Autumn "What If"
Here you sit on your high-backed chair
Wonder how the view is from there
I wouldn't know 'cause I like to sit
Upon the floor, yeah upon the floor
If you like we could play a game
Let's pretend that we are the same
But you will have to look much closer
Than you do, closer than you do
And I'm far too tired to stay here anymore
And I don't care what you think anyway
'Cause I think you were wrong about me
Yeah what if you were, what if you were
And what if I'm a snowstorm burning
What if I'm a world unturning
What if I'm an ocean, far too shallow, much too deep
What if I'm the kindest demon
Something you may not believe in
What if I'm a siren singing gentlemen to sleep
I know you've got it figured out
Tell me what I am all about
And I just might learn a thing or two
Hundred about you, maybe about you
I'm the end of your telescope
I don't change just to suit your vision
'Cause I am bound by a fraying rope
Around my hands, tied around my hands
And you close your eyes when I say I'm breaking free
And put your hands over both your ears
Because you cannot stand to believe I'm not
The perfect girl you thought
Well what have I got to lose
And what if I'm a weeping willow
Laughing tears upon my pillow
What if I'm a socialite who wants to be alone
What if I'm a toothless leopard
What if I'm a sheepless shepherd
What if I'm an angel without wings to take me home
You don't know me
Never will, never will
I'm outside your picture frame
And the glass is breaking now
You can't see me
Never will, never will
If you're never gonna see
What if I'm a crowded desert
Too much pain with little pleasure
What if I'm the nicest place you never want to go
What if I don't know who I am
Will that keep us both from trying
To find out and when you have
Be sure to let me know
What if I'm a snowstorm burning
What if I'm a world unturning
What if I'm an ocean, far too shallow, much too deep
What if I'm the kindest demon
Something you may not believe in
What if I'm a siren singing gentlemen to sleep
So this time, I want to tell you something about me.
As most of you might know (or have realized by now), I love music. Next to songs I just like to listen to, there are a lot of songs that have carried me through rough patches in my life (during my first break-up, I listened excessively to Madonna's "The Power of Goodbye", for example) and therefore mean more to me than any other piece of music.
However, there is just one song I consider my very personal theme song, and I recommend it to all people who want to know me or think they already do.
Why this song?
Let me start by saying that I adore stylistic devices in writing, especially imagery and metaphors, and that I love little details that reveal a deeper dimension once you look closer. The lyrics here all full of those. And if you think about it, you will realize that most of those images are in fact paradoxes, contradictions in themselves.
That is exactly what I am.
I have many facets, but a lot of people only see the surface. That's not their fault, it's the part of me I show to everyone first of all. According to people who met me for the first time, I am "charismatic, outgoing, confident, funny and mysterious". I'm not making this up, it's what friends of friends usually say.
People often end up liking me for that side they see. The only problem is that this is not me. It's an elaborate mask to hide the part of me that is shy, vulnerable and scared of not being liked.
And besides that, I also have a dark side. If someone pushes me too far, I don't get violent, I get cold and calculating. I end up hurting people, not in a physical way, but that doesn't make it less harmful.
Finally, I have a lot of secrets. I did a lot of things in my life and faced many difficult decisions, and not all of them were good. I am scared to talk about certain things, because it would change the way others see me forever.
I'm a caring, open-minded person, but I'm not a good girl. I never was.
Still, if I meet someone that is important to me, a person I love dearly with all my heart, I want them to know. I want them to see all my sides, not just the one I deliberatly show. And for that, I am willing to accept the consequences.
"I'd rather people hate me for who I am than love me for who I'm not."
That's a truth I firmly believe in.
So now you might ask: Well, who are you?
See, I can't tell you that. Not even I know. I feel often split, because different sides of me want entirely different things. All I can really do to answer that question is to try and show you. One thing is sure though: I'm different from what yo think.
And that is exactly the message of that song. What if I am total contradiction in myself? What if I showed you all my facets? Would you still love me?
It's up to you to answer that...
Click to viewEmilie Autumn "What If"
Here you sit on your high-backed chair
Wonder how the view is from there
I wouldn't know 'cause I like to sit
Upon the floor, yeah upon the floor
If you like we could play a game
Let's pretend that we are the same
But you will have to look much closer
Than you do, closer than you do
And I'm far too tired to stay here anymore
And I don't care what you think anyway
'Cause I think you were wrong about me
Yeah what if you were, what if you were
And what if I'm a snowstorm burning
What if I'm a world unturning
What if I'm an ocean, far too shallow, much too deep
What if I'm the kindest demon
Something you may not believe in
What if I'm a siren singing gentlemen to sleep
I know you've got it figured out
Tell me what I am all about
And I just might learn a thing or two
Hundred about you, maybe about you
I'm the end of your telescope
I don't change just to suit your vision
'Cause I am bound by a fraying rope
Around my hands, tied around my hands
And you close your eyes when I say I'm breaking free
And put your hands over both your ears
Because you cannot stand to believe I'm not
The perfect girl you thought
Well what have I got to lose
And what if I'm a weeping willow
Laughing tears upon my pillow
What if I'm a socialite who wants to be alone
What if I'm a toothless leopard
What if I'm a sheepless shepherd
What if I'm an angel without wings to take me home
You don't know me
Never will, never will
I'm outside your picture frame
And the glass is breaking now
You can't see me
Never will, never will
If you're never gonna see
What if I'm a crowded desert
Too much pain with little pleasure
What if I'm the nicest place you never want to go
What if I don't know who I am
Will that keep us both from trying
To find out and when you have
Be sure to let me know
What if I'm a snowstorm burning
What if I'm a world unturning
What if I'm an ocean, far too shallow, much too deep
What if I'm the kindest demon
Something you may not believe in
What if I'm a siren singing gentlemen to sleep