[Journal Entry] Missing Hisoka
I've been neglecting this journal again, but I've been busy, between trying out some new recipes and working on the garden for Sir Parsifal's chapel.
And, well, Robin and I have become lovers, not just admirers, but fully physical with each other. I've even been sleeping with him on odd nights. We're delighted with each other and he isn't put off by my awkwardness, but there's a small part of me that can't help wondering how pleased he is with me. But at least he's teaching me how it's done properly. I'm a fast learner, that much is certain.
I've been wanting to share that knowledge with the young man I share my life with, back in my world. But I know it's going to take time before we can share that together. Hisoka is still deeply injured, deep in his soul and mind, because of Muraki and his crimes against both Hisoka and I. And it likely won't be until that fiend is defeated and chained down that Hisoka can be at peace, that he'll be healed enough to let me touch him. Even then, it could be years, decades even, before Hisoka would let me touch him in the most intimate ways possible. But I don't know if that's possible, if I'm strong enough to resist the feelings within me, the feelings I harbor for Muraki. Hisoka accepts that: that day on the Queen Camellia, after Muraki was found dead, Hisoka sensed what I feel for that being, despite what both of us know about him, and while these feelings disgusted him, he didn't hold it against me. He's even made a few crude jokes about the advantages I could have in having a rich lover.
But I can't help feeling that to have these feelings is a kind of betrayal to Hisoka. I want to be rid of these feelings, for his sake, but there doesn't seem any way to really silence them once and for all.
I miss the little guy. I miss feeling him curled up next to me. I miss the times he's gotten up in the night because he sensed something he'd rather not. I miss telling him that I'm sorry for them, and I miss him telling me it's no big deal. I miss him. I miss you, Hisoka...
And, well, Robin and I have become lovers, not just admirers, but fully physical with each other. I've even been sleeping with him on odd nights. We're delighted with each other and he isn't put off by my awkwardness, but there's a small part of me that can't help wondering how pleased he is with me. But at least he's teaching me how it's done properly. I'm a fast learner, that much is certain.
I've been wanting to share that knowledge with the young man I share my life with, back in my world. But I know it's going to take time before we can share that together. Hisoka is still deeply injured, deep in his soul and mind, because of Muraki and his crimes against both Hisoka and I. And it likely won't be until that fiend is defeated and chained down that Hisoka can be at peace, that he'll be healed enough to let me touch him. Even then, it could be years, decades even, before Hisoka would let me touch him in the most intimate ways possible. But I don't know if that's possible, if I'm strong enough to resist the feelings within me, the feelings I harbor for Muraki. Hisoka accepts that: that day on the Queen Camellia, after Muraki was found dead, Hisoka sensed what I feel for that being, despite what both of us know about him, and while these feelings disgusted him, he didn't hold it against me. He's even made a few crude jokes about the advantages I could have in having a rich lover.
But I can't help feeling that to have these feelings is a kind of betrayal to Hisoka. I want to be rid of these feelings, for his sake, but there doesn't seem any way to really silence them once and for all.
I miss the little guy. I miss feeling him curled up next to me. I miss the times he's gotten up in the night because he sensed something he'd rather not. I miss telling him that I'm sorry for them, and I miss him telling me it's no big deal. I miss him. I miss you, Hisoka...