(no subject)

[cute_like_murda]

I can't physically get the words out because they sound so dumb. It's silly. I feel silly. But I guess anyone who knows my mother will understand. My sisters do, so they're the only ones who I can talk to. Any outsider wouldn't see how she really is because she puts on this front that makes me sick. I put on a front. I'm her punching bag, my dad is her punching bag, we're all her punching bags. I should be used to it by now after so many years, and she knows how I am. She knows I don't speak my mind, I don't stand up for myself; she knows I keep it bottled up for so long that it just explodes into one huge situation. So why doesn't she stop?

Can people change? I thought I had but I guess I really hadn't. I wish after my rock bottom that my 'up' was a bit more up. I wish I wasn't so afraid of her. I wish my girlfriend would understand. I wish someone else would change for once because I feel like I've lost my identity trying sort this out. Where did the Heather of old go? Why is she a blubbering mess all the time? Why am I afraid everyone will hurt me? Because they can, very easily in fact. But it's not their fault, it's mine. I don't take people literally, in fact much of what they say gets lost in translation and I hear something completely different. I wish this would just go away.

Everything terrifies me. My girlfriend terrifies me. My mother terrifies me.