just_muse_me | 31.9. John Lubbock quote
31.9. "A day of worry is more exhausting than a day of work."
(Quote by John Lubbock)
Co-written with geniuscowboy
[Simultaneous to THIS]
Serena couldn't believe Chris had bagged them a room at the Ritz-Carlton in Key Biscayne and if she hadn't been so intent on getting to Chris and hugging him like her life depended on it, she probably would have just stood there and gaped. Serena wasn't exactly used to these sorts of places. She had never seen luxury like it, and she was already making plans for a little room dancing in celebration - once she knew what Chris wanted to talk to her about. It had sounded serious, and after the way they'd left things the other night she knew this wasn't any kind of booty call.
She did just need to get the hug in, though. She thought she'd fucked up and just gone stomping all over Chris and his relationship with Rick by trying to make the small talk and just trying to comfort him with her stupid, pathetic words. She honestly wouldn't have been surprised if he hadn't wanted to see her, so the voicemail was a nice surprise. She pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth and just inhaled his scent as she buried her face in the crook of his neck. "Hi," she said, the word muffled against his skin.
It was thankfully one of those days in MT1 where things were pretty smooth running, and they actually finished their shift on time. He had to stop in on Rick, only to find that Rick had been in some pain throughout the day, so Bella had prescribed some stronger painkillers that had knocked him out. Chris nearly pulled out on the Key Biscayne plans on the spot, but Bella assured him she had Rick in good hands and she would call if there were any dramatic changes. In fact, she encouraged him to go and try and relax a little bit. Chris was skeptical he had the capacity to do that right now, but he did leave Rick a note to explain and promised he would visit when he got back the next day. He hoped Rick understood that he just needed a bit of a timeout.
The twenty minute drive to Key Biscayne had been in silence. Chris had kept his eyes on the road and the radio broke the silence between them. It wasn't necessarily awkward, he just didn't feel like even more smalltalk. It took too much effort to maintain and the pep talks about staying positive were hard to listen to. But now they were in the hotel room, and the sun was setting out over the ocean with a clear view from the balcony of the room. "Hi," he returned, even if it felt weird to be saying hello all over again. He pulled out of the embrace, clearing his throat softly. "We should sit out on the balcony. It's a nice night. We can get some room service if we're hungry?" He nodded his head in the direction of the sliding glass doors and then stepped out onto the balcony, stretching his arms up behind his head to try and release some of the tension.
Serena just nodded as she followed, their bags still sitting in the middle of the room. She didn't really feel like spending time unpacking, and it wasn't like they had much luggage to worry about anyway. She leaned against the balcony railing and looked out at the ocean in front of them. "It's so beautiful here. I can't believe it." Serena turned her head to glance at him over her shoulder. "How's Rick?"
Chris sat down on the edge of one of the cushy looking sunlounges. "I don't think he's doing all that great. Not so confident the prognosis is going to be the best, either. There's a lot of pain. It's probably better he's sleeping, anyway. Stops him watching the clock and waiting for any results. Bella's going to call if there are any changes." After a moment, he shifted back so he could lie back on the lounge and kicked his shoes off. He was dressed in some board shorts and a t-shirt. At least if he was going to try and relax, he could dress the part. He looked at the sun setting in the distance, a small frown on his face. "If he reaches dialysis, I'm going to give him one of my kidneys." He really didn't mean to just dump it on her like that. It would be a lot to swallow, or even just easily accept. Nothing like this ever came without risks, and as surgeons they knew the risks better than anyone.
Serena turned her back on the setting sun to look at Chris properly before she moved to sit on the sunlounge next to his. She stayed quiet for a long moment as she drew her knees up to her chest. "If you think it's best. I don't need to tell you the risks, but I know you wouldn't decide something like that without considering the pros and cons." Serena's brow stayed creased as she looked out to see, but her eyes weren't taking in the view anymore. She was turning Chris' revelation over in her mind. "The pain isn't exactly a good sign, and considering the worst case scenario now might help a little."
Chris blinked, wondering if maybe a comment about the weather had come out of his mouth by mistake. He had just told her he was giving his brother a vital body organ, and she makes more with the smalltalk? He just blinked again with a slight shake of his head and looked back out at the view. "I'll just call the funeral directors then, shall I? Tell them he wants mahogany with silk lining? How's that for worst case?"
Serena let out a slow breath and rest her head in her hands momentarily. She didn't know what was wrong with her. "This is the part I'm not good at. I can't believe I'm pulling this bullshit on you of all people. I'm sorry, Chris. I'm so sorry..." She had never been able to handle telling people bad news without coming out with useless small talk. And now she was doing it to the one person she loved. The one person she would lay her heart on the line for. She reached out to take Chris' hand and threaded her fingers between his as tears pricked the backs of her eyes. "You know I'll support anything you want to do, and giving Rick one of your organs is huge. You can't take it back. You won't even get a cheque for it. Are you really sure?"
Chris looked down at their joined hands as he started to get upset again. There was no blinking the tears back this time, though and he glanced back up at her. "No. I'm not sure. Why do you think I needed to talk to you about this? It's been driving me crazy. I haven't been able to think about anything else, and I'm still no closer to being any sure about any of it. And all this fucking secretive bullshit, it's screwing with my head! Everytime I turn around to try and look for someone to help me, there's no one there!"
Serena unfolded her legs as she moved across to sit perched on the edge of Chris' seat and wrapped her arms around him to pull his head down against her shoulder as she rubbed his arm. "Do you have any idea how crazy it makes me? I want to be able to talk to you about this, I want to be able to just give you a hug when it's needed and let you know I love you and that I am there for you. I hate not being able to just sit with you while your brother has the surgery, or to just hold you when you need it and not worry about who might see." She kissed the top of his head. "Do you have any idea if they need to take the other kidney?"
"No, not clinically. I just feel it in my gut. I don't know why. I think he did a lot of damage waiting. If he had just gone straight into it, he would have probably been into the second round of chemo by now. He probably would have lost the kidney, but it would have been out and healed, no post op infection to weaken him even more. I'm being optimistic, too. Spread to the other kidney could be the better option, but what if it's gone further? She's all with the aggressive treatment right now, she's not holding back. Doctor's don't do that unless they have reason to." Chris really didn't know why he picked such an expensive and luxury hotel for the night. Maybe he hoped they could really just escape reality for awhile, or he wanted a nice setting for the fucked up conversation.
Serena let her arm rest around Chris' middle as she just stayed in the embrace quietly. She really didn't have the answers. She'd never had to deal with a family member having cancer, let alone her brother. And now Chris had not only Rick, but Dave, too. She could only imagine what he was going through, and how he was feeling. The idea of being in his position was making her feel sick, but all she really wanted was to be here for him. "I think maybe you need to trust her just a little bit. Maybe she does have reason to, but maybe the treatment could also work if Dr Watson sticks to her guns. Rick was stupid for running away, he really was... Even dumber for getting that post-op infection, but just give it a little time. He's only just had the surgery. This is what sucks about cancer. It's all a waiting game, and all you can do is just... hope."
"Or she is just throwing everything at him and hopes that something works so she doesn't have to tell him that he gave himself a death sentence," Chris added quietly. Nothing worse than telling a patient that something they did wrong could potentially kill them. Chris had been in those shoes a few times during his career, and it was one of the hardest things to deal with. "He likes her. He thinks he's just covering it with flirting and jokes, but it's not just that. Trust him to pick the only chick off the menu and out of reach."
Serena arched her eyebrow slightly. "Kind of runs in the Deleo family, huh? Only we're a little less taboo. We're just being cautious. Look, maybe she is just throwing everything at him, but sometimes we're all guilty of that. Think about the days we don't have the answers, and nothing seems to be working. Not that I'm saying Rick will die! I don't think he will, even if I'm not about to break out into a cheer or anything. Maybe with you, and maybe because he does like the doctor it'll give him enough reason to fight. I don't think he's ready to let this be your last chance at brotherhood."
"I'm glad you can be so positive about cancer," Chris murmured. "Because I can't. Do you know what Dave told me? He told me he went through such hell with it, that he wanted to die. He actually wanted to die because it was so bad. Do you know what it's like to hear someone you love say that? It makes me stop and think that maybe I actually don't care if Proctor approves of us or not. I have my best friend who was nearly taken by this thing, and my brother who still might be. Maybe I just don't care if Proctor sacks me for something like having feelings for someone who has become important to me. Maybe that just means more than an MT1 paypacket."
"It's not being positive. What else do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that yes, Rick fucked up and there's a high chance he's going to die. If Dr Watson's treatments don't work, dialysis is the least of your worries. Even if you give him a kidney he might die. Is that better? Maybe I just shouldn't say anything because I really don't know what to say, and it hurts because half the time all I've got is words. Maybe you just need to stick to talking to Dave. At least he knows how it feels." Serena pulled back to look at Chris' face, her blue eyes searching his. "Are you saying you want to tell him?"
Chris pulled back with a small frown and folded his arms over his chest. "Not particularly after getting bitched out by you again, no," he muttered and looked out at the setting sun. "Maybe I'm just sick of hearing fucking positives all the time."
Serena turned away from him a little and rest her elbows on her knees as she tried to work out why she couldn't just let normal things pass her lips when it came to talking to Chris at a time like this. "I'll just keep my mouth shut. It's safer."
Chris looked back to her with a heavy sigh. "Okay, seriously. How are we going to last the distance if we can't even hold a serious conversation when things are hard? All I want is someone to be able to talk to this about without being placated and piled with positives or metaphors when I have nothing to be positive about. I'm trying to be honest with you here, it's hard. I'm not one of your patients, so stop treating me like one. Maybe I should just stick to talking to Dave. Maybe I should stick to a lot of things..." He shook his head a little. "There's a risk if I give him a kidney, I could end up sicker than him. Would you still feel so positive then? What about the fact that cancer can be genetic, huh? Because that's just two things of many I have been trying to think about all on my own for weeks now."
Serena turned back to Chris and cupped his face in her hands before she caught his lips in a soft kiss. It had been so hard without the contact with him lately. She realised just how much she'd come to rely on spending time with him between shifts at one of their apartments. When you have a secret relationship and your ninja time gets cut back it's hard not to stumble. He really wasn't one of her patients, and Serena kissed him to reset her brain. Something in it had to click so she stopped being such a pathetic bitch. "All I know is that if you do give him a kidney, I'd be there. I'm not going to abandon you just because you might get sick. I'm not going anywhere. And Proctor can just kiss my ass, and suck it up. If you wind up in surgery, I'm waiting. I'll be there for every step. You just need to work out if it's really a risk you want to take." Serena frowned a little. "There's risks no matter what. Rick's already gambled and he might be about to lose. Do you know if your dad's shown signs of cancer? Your mum? Grandparents? It's probably not just going to start with you and Rick. There would need to be history."
Chris massaged his forehead with his fingertips. "My mom's parents are dead. They both died when Rick and I were kids, so I don't remember much about them. My dad didn't speak to his parents, so I never knew them. Ironic, considering I haven't spoken to him in years, either. I couldn't tell you my family health history even if I wanted to. My father was a drunk, ended up with a fucked liver because of it but wouldn't listen to doctors about treatment. He could be dead for all I know. You can see where Rick gets it. My mom had a hysterectomy after I was born because I was a difficult birth, but it was nothing to do with cancer. Just one of those things. It's why no other kids came after me. Good thing, probably, considering our family track record. I've been so fucked in the head, I nearly asked you to give me a testicular and prostate exam... in the completely clinical sense. That's not even a pick up line. I'm so scared. I'm so scared, I feel like I can hardly breathe sometimes. And if it comes down to a risk versus my brother's life, well..." He shrugged a little. "There is no question."
Serena squished up next to him, resting her legs lightly over Chris' as she slid her arm around his shoulders again. "I'll do it if you want me to. I'll give you the exam. It's not paranoia when there's good reason to be scared. Your brother has cancer, it's natural. If it makes you feel even a little bit better you can give me a breast exam. Who's to say I won't be the one to wind up with cancer? It's a disease that is just increasing, and increasing. We work in a harsh, stressful environment. To be honest I'm almost surprised not more doctors wind up with cancer, but then there's still no complete proof what causes it. Sometimes it's lifestyle, diet... Sometimes it just seems random. Like with Dave. I don't understand how it happened to him. I'm not sure I even understand how it happened to Rick."
Chris gave a small laugh at this, ending with a smirk before he pressed his lips together. "You put your hands or fingers anywhere near my balls or butt and it's really unlikely it will end in a mere prostate exam," he predicted. "No one knows what causes any sort of cancer, there is just a lot of medical evidence to say what might. This is why I have been hating being a doctor lately. I get it all, and I don't want to get it all. I'd rather be in the dark than know all the risks and all the statistics and what could happen if this thing happens to this other body part et cetera. Rick's doctor was giving me the post op rundown and I was finishing her sentences. I'm surprised she didn't slap me. She tells me he has been having pain, and I tell her what's she's prescribed before the words can come out of her mouth. I'm looking at his lines and canulas and feeling tempted to go get the damn nurses and make them come back to do a better job of it. I'm reading his notes and I know all the doctor speak that basically means 'We have no idea what the fuck his prognosis is, but at least he's still breathing now, right?'."
"Definitely would be interesting foreplay. It's nice to know my hands would still have that effect on you. Maybe you need to get someone else to have a look. It's not like they wouldn't understand. Even Proctor might do it for you. It could be a good bonding exercise for you two." She shrugged a little. "Not that I'm trying to find positives again. Alright, so we have no idea about the genetic thing, and we're still grey on the rest of the causes... We're never going to be able to guess if you're going to get cancer, or not. It'll happen, or it won't. It might not even happen now, it could happen in ten years, twenty years. Let's just consider the kidneys. How do you really feel about that? Do you think you have a chance of coping with just one kidney? Would you honestly think it would help Rick if the operation, and the chemo might not?" Serena gave his leg a soft squeeze with her free hand. "I'm sure she knows it's only because you're worried about him. She'll get it. Just don't be surprised if she does slap you down."
"Okay, first? No." Chris said, throwing his hands up. "And second? Hell fucking no! Proctor is never, ever going to see my ass, let alone my balls. Just saying. I wasn't trying to think about causes or any of that bullshit. All I'm saying is that it scares me, alright? I'm not asking you to diagnose this. I'm not your patient, remember? Again. I don't want you to diagnose me, or give me statistics, or prognosis, or information on cancer. If I wanted that, I would have brought Doc Watson along for the night to keep me company. I told you I don't know how I feel about it. Please, please listen to what I'm saying, yeah? I just need to know you're listening to me and not hell-bent on trying to save me from any pain. You can't. You can't save me from that. It's painful no matter what. My brother is seriously ill, a brother who, his whole life, has caused me pain in one way or another. I'm just trying to sort through that in my head and find a way to cope with this without throwing up everytime I let myself stay on it long enough. Or I won't be healthy enough to help him whether I want to or not. I don't know the ins and outs of it, but I have an appointment with the Renal unit for an evaluation. The trick is getting it done without Rick finding out. He's going to be sorry he made me his medical proxy. I can use this path without needing his permission," he added with a small smirk. "I'll have a bunch of tests, blood, urine, EKG, CT, maybe even a colonoscopy. All those results along with my med history will give me the answer... then to see if I'm a viable match. I'm the best option as his brother."
Serena nodded and kept quiet as he spoke, even staying quiet for a long time afterwards. Medicine was what she knew. It was how she saw things now, she couldn't help it. Even Chris had to remember their first times together when Serena spent her time mapping out his vertebrae as they made out. She was a medicine geek, and now her personal life was suffering. She rest her head against his shoulder as she picked up his hand and explored the lines on his palm. "I'm scared... just so you know. The idea of you going into surgery scares me. The idea of you getting cancer scares me. But I'll do whatever you need me to. Like listen. I will get it right. When's the appointment? Can I come with you?"
Chris rested his head back against the lounge and looked over her face. "Is that even a good idea? I don't know anymore. I've lost track of everything. Dave knows, Aimee knows, and Rick knows. I don't think anyone else does. What if people start getting suspicious why you're with me for a routine evalutation?"
Serena sucked in a breath as she looked at him, the tears back. She struggled to keep them back this time and a few escaped down her cheeks. "I can't handle not just being able to be with you. This is bullshit. You're my boyfriend and you're going through hell. I should be able to be with you."
Chris wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on her shoulder with another rough sigh. He was quiet for what felt like a really long time, just drawing as much from the embrace as he could. They had the privacy here, and were well away from anyone who could see them and spill the beans, but he could still feel in his gut that he was on edge, and it was a sensation he was coming to really hate. That wait during Rick's surgery alone had been horrible. He hadn't even been able to call on Dave, who was still recuperating from the flu, and it was vital he recuperated so he didn't stay ill and weaken himself again. "What do we do?" he asked in not much more than a whisper.
Serena fisted his shirt in her hand as she stayed in the embrace, trembling a little as the quiet sobs wracked her frame. She didn't like being a bystander. That was the thing that was really getting to her. It was why she found herself falling back into the doctor role. "I think we have to tell them," she replied not much louder than Chris. "Everyone... I can't let you go through this alone. I just can't. Even if I sit there and just have duct tape over my mouth, I want to be with you."
The situation seemed resolute to Chris all of a sudden, but that didn't mean it was going to be easy. In fact, as soon as she said the words, he knew he agreed, but he also started to feel a nervous nausea niggle in his gut about facing Proctor with the truth. What it would mean, what it could lead to. Even the thought of telling Eva had him nervous. He knew once she found out how long this had been going on under her nose, she was going to be hurt and probably angry at both of them for the lies. "Let's just hope it doesn't land me disciplinary action. Getting sent home could be the least of my worries. In fact, considering my past few weeks, getting sent home feels like a honeymoon in comparison."
Serena wanted to believe that Chris wouldn't get disciplinary action for dating her, but it was true that they just had no idea how Proctor would react. Even then they had no idea if the Alpha Team really could carry on working so well together if Eva and Proctor both chose to see the secret relationship as a betrayal of trust. But they'd have to understand, wouldn't they? They'd have to get that Chris and Serena weren't doing it because they didn't trust their colleagues. She kept her lips pressed together as she let out a frustrated sigh. "We're not going to know what it'll do until we just do it. Like ripping off a band-aid. Maybe we should have done it a while ago, but I don't know... Right now the people that we thought needed to know know. Our brothers, Dave, and Aimee. Even if the last too were accidental. But it's been a relief to have at least someone know. It could get me in just as much trouble as you."
Chris shook his head and held up his hand. "No... no, it's not like ripping a band-aid off when it's my career, alright? It's a lot, lot worse than ripping a band-aid off. You told your brother? I haven't even met him. Fuck..." he mumbled and scratched his fingers through his hair with a frustrated sigh. "No, Serena, look. It's not going to get you in trouble. The only way you will get into trouble if you do something unethical in the work place and it hinders patients. It's different for me because I'm in the superior position. It could be seen that I was taking advantage of you. And? He's going to think I covered for you with that pnuemo because we were sleeping together. He's going to wonder what else I've covered for you. I just need to sit down with him and talk to him. We've been getting along better, but I'm just going to be outright honest with him and tell him he's the reason I didn't want to say anything. Because I had no idea how he was going to react to anything. I still don't know if I can trust him, and that's the plain and simple truth."
"You don't want me to go with you?" Serena asked him quietly. "It's like removing a major organ... I won't be able to deal with it if I get you fired. I just won't. It's the one thing I've never wanted to have happen. I don't want to be something you wind up hating because I ruined your career. I'm not worth that, Chris. I'm not..."
Chris pulled back a little and looked at her, dumbfounded. In fact, his mouth dropped open a little. He really didn't get some of the things that came out of her mouth sometimes. "You're not? Then why the fuck are we even here? Why am I here?"
Serena blinked as she shrunk back. She really, really just wanted to ground to open up and swallow her. "You said you wouldn't be in this if it meant giving up your career... Didn't you? Not that you'd be giving it up, you'd get it stripped away. I just don't want to be a regret, that's all. I don't want you to wind up losing your job and then you look at me, and just don't like me anymore." Serena rubbed her fingers against her forehead as she struggled to get her thoughts out of her mouth without it sounding like shit again. "You mean the world to me, Chris. You really do. And you're not a second prize to me. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
"You don't think maybe just a little bit has changed since I said that?" Chris asked her and then rubbed his eyes a little before looking out at the views of the ocean. "Sometimes I feel like I need to talk in circles with you. What did I just say earlier? That maybe hearing my brother and best mate had cancer had changed things. Serena, I don't have the energy to talk in circles. Either we're in this or we're not, and if we're not, you better tell me now so I can walk away and find another foundation to walk on and deal with this."
"A lot's changed since then, and I guess I'm scared. I lose my footing just as easily as anyone else. I'm not always sure of things. I'm sorry about the circles thing, I really am." Serena pulled out of the embrace and got up to walk over to the balcony so she could look back over the ocean. The tears were back and this time she didn't stop them. "We're in this. Of course we're in this. I love you, remember?"
Chris stayed where he was and reached behind him to drop the back of the sunlounge down to completely horizontal. It felt nice to be horizontal. At least this was more comfortable than those hospital chairs. It felt like ages since he had been in his own bed. He even kicked his shoes off and loosened his pants to get a bit more comfortable. "You lose your footing a lot more easier than most," he had to point out quietly. "Just so you know, I'm not going to have confidence in this... us... if you don't."
"This year's been all about firsts for me..." Serena wiped at her cheeks as she sniffed quietly. "First time I've really hit the ground running as a trauma surgeon, first time I've found myself so crazy about someone, and the first time I've had to work so hard to hide it." She pushed off the railing and came back over to sit on the other sunlounge. "I have confidence in us. I really do. I guess what's really scaring me right now is that you talk about giving your kidney to Rick, and the truth is I'd do the same for you if I was ever a match."
Chris let his eyes rest for a few moments before he opened them again and looked up at her with a faint smile. He reached over for her hand and sighed softly. "I'm sorry I'm making this so hard for you. I feel like I'm drowning some days and I don't... well, let's just say I didn't want to feel like that in my life again. I've been here before, but for different reasons. This is all those feelings, only like they're amplified in surround sound. And to answer your earlier question when you went all insecure on me again, it's not that I don't want you to come with me when I speak to Proctor. I do, in fact, I think we should talk to him together. But I also think I should talk to him first. I'm in the worst position here. He is going to think I should be the more experienced one to make sounder decisions, and if he's going to fire me, I'd rather it be without an audience."
Serena moved down onto the ground next to his chair and held onto his hand as she kissed the back of it, and then rest her head against his stomach. "I'm probably stubborn and stupid enough to still not leave you alone no matter how hard you make it on me. I'm the perfectionist, remember? I'm always going to be hard on myself. You can't make it any worse for me than I can for myself. You just need to know you're not alone, okay? I won't let you drown." Serena looked up at him. "If he fires you, can I at least kick him in the shins?"
Chris smirked and brushed his fingers through her long hair. "Well, at least if you do, he'll have enough trauma surgeons around to fix him. Here's hoping with all his life metaphors and second chance on the world, he'll understand why we've been doing it..." He closed his eyes again. "In the meantime, I just want to forget about the rest of the world, even for an hour. It's nice here."
Serena smiled finally as she closed her eyes at the feel of his fingers in her hair. "Mm, fingers crossed... I think we should make this a regular getaway. I don't even mind paying for the room next time. And any second now I'm going to get up and get room service. I'm starved." She turned her head as she inched up Chris shirt and kissed the strip of skin just about his waistline. "There is no rest of the world... Just us."
Chris nodded, letting his eyes stay closed and feeling just a hint of relaxation start within him. "This is where I learnt to surf," he revealed. "Just over there somewhere." He waved his hand in the general direction of the beach. "One summer before everything went down the pan with my father. Rick and I actually spent some time hanging out here on a family holiday, until he found a chick and lost interest in me. I had my first kiss here," he laughed softly and scrunched his nose up. "It was horrible. It was like she was trying to suck on an overfrozen Slusho, only they were my lips and not a straw... I like just us."
Serena laughed. "If I ever kiss you like I'm trying to suck on an overfrozen Slusho, I want you to just tell me and slap some sense into me. I like just us, too. Even if it's nice hearing you talk about your memories. I'm sorry they're not exactly happy ones."
"College were my happiest memories. Everything before that is pretty much a write-off. I have the odd nice memory here and there that I keep a hold of, but I'm all for going foward and not stuck on living in the past. Hopefully one day things are just a bit easier..." Chris murmured with a soft sigh. He just wanted that one day to come sooner rather than later.
Words: 6003
(Quote by John Lubbock)
Co-written with geniuscowboy
[Simultaneous to THIS]
Serena couldn't believe Chris had bagged them a room at the Ritz-Carlton in Key Biscayne and if she hadn't been so intent on getting to Chris and hugging him like her life depended on it, she probably would have just stood there and gaped. Serena wasn't exactly used to these sorts of places. She had never seen luxury like it, and she was already making plans for a little room dancing in celebration - once she knew what Chris wanted to talk to her about. It had sounded serious, and after the way they'd left things the other night she knew this wasn't any kind of booty call.
She did just need to get the hug in, though. She thought she'd fucked up and just gone stomping all over Chris and his relationship with Rick by trying to make the small talk and just trying to comfort him with her stupid, pathetic words. She honestly wouldn't have been surprised if he hadn't wanted to see her, so the voicemail was a nice surprise. She pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth and just inhaled his scent as she buried her face in the crook of his neck. "Hi," she said, the word muffled against his skin.
It was thankfully one of those days in MT1 where things were pretty smooth running, and they actually finished their shift on time. He had to stop in on Rick, only to find that Rick had been in some pain throughout the day, so Bella had prescribed some stronger painkillers that had knocked him out. Chris nearly pulled out on the Key Biscayne plans on the spot, but Bella assured him she had Rick in good hands and she would call if there were any dramatic changes. In fact, she encouraged him to go and try and relax a little bit. Chris was skeptical he had the capacity to do that right now, but he did leave Rick a note to explain and promised he would visit when he got back the next day. He hoped Rick understood that he just needed a bit of a timeout.
The twenty minute drive to Key Biscayne had been in silence. Chris had kept his eyes on the road and the radio broke the silence between them. It wasn't necessarily awkward, he just didn't feel like even more smalltalk. It took too much effort to maintain and the pep talks about staying positive were hard to listen to. But now they were in the hotel room, and the sun was setting out over the ocean with a clear view from the balcony of the room. "Hi," he returned, even if it felt weird to be saying hello all over again. He pulled out of the embrace, clearing his throat softly. "We should sit out on the balcony. It's a nice night. We can get some room service if we're hungry?" He nodded his head in the direction of the sliding glass doors and then stepped out onto the balcony, stretching his arms up behind his head to try and release some of the tension.
Serena just nodded as she followed, their bags still sitting in the middle of the room. She didn't really feel like spending time unpacking, and it wasn't like they had much luggage to worry about anyway. She leaned against the balcony railing and looked out at the ocean in front of them. "It's so beautiful here. I can't believe it." Serena turned her head to glance at him over her shoulder. "How's Rick?"
Chris sat down on the edge of one of the cushy looking sunlounges. "I don't think he's doing all that great. Not so confident the prognosis is going to be the best, either. There's a lot of pain. It's probably better he's sleeping, anyway. Stops him watching the clock and waiting for any results. Bella's going to call if there are any changes." After a moment, he shifted back so he could lie back on the lounge and kicked his shoes off. He was dressed in some board shorts and a t-shirt. At least if he was going to try and relax, he could dress the part. He looked at the sun setting in the distance, a small frown on his face. "If he reaches dialysis, I'm going to give him one of my kidneys." He really didn't mean to just dump it on her like that. It would be a lot to swallow, or even just easily accept. Nothing like this ever came without risks, and as surgeons they knew the risks better than anyone.
Serena turned her back on the setting sun to look at Chris properly before she moved to sit on the sunlounge next to his. She stayed quiet for a long moment as she drew her knees up to her chest. "If you think it's best. I don't need to tell you the risks, but I know you wouldn't decide something like that without considering the pros and cons." Serena's brow stayed creased as she looked out to see, but her eyes weren't taking in the view anymore. She was turning Chris' revelation over in her mind. "The pain isn't exactly a good sign, and considering the worst case scenario now might help a little."
Chris blinked, wondering if maybe a comment about the weather had come out of his mouth by mistake. He had just told her he was giving his brother a vital body organ, and she makes more with the smalltalk? He just blinked again with a slight shake of his head and looked back out at the view. "I'll just call the funeral directors then, shall I? Tell them he wants mahogany with silk lining? How's that for worst case?"
Serena let out a slow breath and rest her head in her hands momentarily. She didn't know what was wrong with her. "This is the part I'm not good at. I can't believe I'm pulling this bullshit on you of all people. I'm sorry, Chris. I'm so sorry..." She had never been able to handle telling people bad news without coming out with useless small talk. And now she was doing it to the one person she loved. The one person she would lay her heart on the line for. She reached out to take Chris' hand and threaded her fingers between his as tears pricked the backs of her eyes. "You know I'll support anything you want to do, and giving Rick one of your organs is huge. You can't take it back. You won't even get a cheque for it. Are you really sure?"
Chris looked down at their joined hands as he started to get upset again. There was no blinking the tears back this time, though and he glanced back up at her. "No. I'm not sure. Why do you think I needed to talk to you about this? It's been driving me crazy. I haven't been able to think about anything else, and I'm still no closer to being any sure about any of it. And all this fucking secretive bullshit, it's screwing with my head! Everytime I turn around to try and look for someone to help me, there's no one there!"
Serena unfolded her legs as she moved across to sit perched on the edge of Chris' seat and wrapped her arms around him to pull his head down against her shoulder as she rubbed his arm. "Do you have any idea how crazy it makes me? I want to be able to talk to you about this, I want to be able to just give you a hug when it's needed and let you know I love you and that I am there for you. I hate not being able to just sit with you while your brother has the surgery, or to just hold you when you need it and not worry about who might see." She kissed the top of his head. "Do you have any idea if they need to take the other kidney?"
"No, not clinically. I just feel it in my gut. I don't know why. I think he did a lot of damage waiting. If he had just gone straight into it, he would have probably been into the second round of chemo by now. He probably would have lost the kidney, but it would have been out and healed, no post op infection to weaken him even more. I'm being optimistic, too. Spread to the other kidney could be the better option, but what if it's gone further? She's all with the aggressive treatment right now, she's not holding back. Doctor's don't do that unless they have reason to." Chris really didn't know why he picked such an expensive and luxury hotel for the night. Maybe he hoped they could really just escape reality for awhile, or he wanted a nice setting for the fucked up conversation.
Serena let her arm rest around Chris' middle as she just stayed in the embrace quietly. She really didn't have the answers. She'd never had to deal with a family member having cancer, let alone her brother. And now Chris had not only Rick, but Dave, too. She could only imagine what he was going through, and how he was feeling. The idea of being in his position was making her feel sick, but all she really wanted was to be here for him. "I think maybe you need to trust her just a little bit. Maybe she does have reason to, but maybe the treatment could also work if Dr Watson sticks to her guns. Rick was stupid for running away, he really was... Even dumber for getting that post-op infection, but just give it a little time. He's only just had the surgery. This is what sucks about cancer. It's all a waiting game, and all you can do is just... hope."
"Or she is just throwing everything at him and hopes that something works so she doesn't have to tell him that he gave himself a death sentence," Chris added quietly. Nothing worse than telling a patient that something they did wrong could potentially kill them. Chris had been in those shoes a few times during his career, and it was one of the hardest things to deal with. "He likes her. He thinks he's just covering it with flirting and jokes, but it's not just that. Trust him to pick the only chick off the menu and out of reach."
Serena arched her eyebrow slightly. "Kind of runs in the Deleo family, huh? Only we're a little less taboo. We're just being cautious. Look, maybe she is just throwing everything at him, but sometimes we're all guilty of that. Think about the days we don't have the answers, and nothing seems to be working. Not that I'm saying Rick will die! I don't think he will, even if I'm not about to break out into a cheer or anything. Maybe with you, and maybe because he does like the doctor it'll give him enough reason to fight. I don't think he's ready to let this be your last chance at brotherhood."
"I'm glad you can be so positive about cancer," Chris murmured. "Because I can't. Do you know what Dave told me? He told me he went through such hell with it, that he wanted to die. He actually wanted to die because it was so bad. Do you know what it's like to hear someone you love say that? It makes me stop and think that maybe I actually don't care if Proctor approves of us or not. I have my best friend who was nearly taken by this thing, and my brother who still might be. Maybe I just don't care if Proctor sacks me for something like having feelings for someone who has become important to me. Maybe that just means more than an MT1 paypacket."
"It's not being positive. What else do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that yes, Rick fucked up and there's a high chance he's going to die. If Dr Watson's treatments don't work, dialysis is the least of your worries. Even if you give him a kidney he might die. Is that better? Maybe I just shouldn't say anything because I really don't know what to say, and it hurts because half the time all I've got is words. Maybe you just need to stick to talking to Dave. At least he knows how it feels." Serena pulled back to look at Chris' face, her blue eyes searching his. "Are you saying you want to tell him?"
Chris pulled back with a small frown and folded his arms over his chest. "Not particularly after getting bitched out by you again, no," he muttered and looked out at the setting sun. "Maybe I'm just sick of hearing fucking positives all the time."
Serena turned away from him a little and rest her elbows on her knees as she tried to work out why she couldn't just let normal things pass her lips when it came to talking to Chris at a time like this. "I'll just keep my mouth shut. It's safer."
Chris looked back to her with a heavy sigh. "Okay, seriously. How are we going to last the distance if we can't even hold a serious conversation when things are hard? All I want is someone to be able to talk to this about without being placated and piled with positives or metaphors when I have nothing to be positive about. I'm trying to be honest with you here, it's hard. I'm not one of your patients, so stop treating me like one. Maybe I should just stick to talking to Dave. Maybe I should stick to a lot of things..." He shook his head a little. "There's a risk if I give him a kidney, I could end up sicker than him. Would you still feel so positive then? What about the fact that cancer can be genetic, huh? Because that's just two things of many I have been trying to think about all on my own for weeks now."
Serena turned back to Chris and cupped his face in her hands before she caught his lips in a soft kiss. It had been so hard without the contact with him lately. She realised just how much she'd come to rely on spending time with him between shifts at one of their apartments. When you have a secret relationship and your ninja time gets cut back it's hard not to stumble. He really wasn't one of her patients, and Serena kissed him to reset her brain. Something in it had to click so she stopped being such a pathetic bitch. "All I know is that if you do give him a kidney, I'd be there. I'm not going to abandon you just because you might get sick. I'm not going anywhere. And Proctor can just kiss my ass, and suck it up. If you wind up in surgery, I'm waiting. I'll be there for every step. You just need to work out if it's really a risk you want to take." Serena frowned a little. "There's risks no matter what. Rick's already gambled and he might be about to lose. Do you know if your dad's shown signs of cancer? Your mum? Grandparents? It's probably not just going to start with you and Rick. There would need to be history."
Chris massaged his forehead with his fingertips. "My mom's parents are dead. They both died when Rick and I were kids, so I don't remember much about them. My dad didn't speak to his parents, so I never knew them. Ironic, considering I haven't spoken to him in years, either. I couldn't tell you my family health history even if I wanted to. My father was a drunk, ended up with a fucked liver because of it but wouldn't listen to doctors about treatment. He could be dead for all I know. You can see where Rick gets it. My mom had a hysterectomy after I was born because I was a difficult birth, but it was nothing to do with cancer. Just one of those things. It's why no other kids came after me. Good thing, probably, considering our family track record. I've been so fucked in the head, I nearly asked you to give me a testicular and prostate exam... in the completely clinical sense. That's not even a pick up line. I'm so scared. I'm so scared, I feel like I can hardly breathe sometimes. And if it comes down to a risk versus my brother's life, well..." He shrugged a little. "There is no question."
Serena squished up next to him, resting her legs lightly over Chris' as she slid her arm around his shoulders again. "I'll do it if you want me to. I'll give you the exam. It's not paranoia when there's good reason to be scared. Your brother has cancer, it's natural. If it makes you feel even a little bit better you can give me a breast exam. Who's to say I won't be the one to wind up with cancer? It's a disease that is just increasing, and increasing. We work in a harsh, stressful environment. To be honest I'm almost surprised not more doctors wind up with cancer, but then there's still no complete proof what causes it. Sometimes it's lifestyle, diet... Sometimes it just seems random. Like with Dave. I don't understand how it happened to him. I'm not sure I even understand how it happened to Rick."
Chris gave a small laugh at this, ending with a smirk before he pressed his lips together. "You put your hands or fingers anywhere near my balls or butt and it's really unlikely it will end in a mere prostate exam," he predicted. "No one knows what causes any sort of cancer, there is just a lot of medical evidence to say what might. This is why I have been hating being a doctor lately. I get it all, and I don't want to get it all. I'd rather be in the dark than know all the risks and all the statistics and what could happen if this thing happens to this other body part et cetera. Rick's doctor was giving me the post op rundown and I was finishing her sentences. I'm surprised she didn't slap me. She tells me he has been having pain, and I tell her what's she's prescribed before the words can come out of her mouth. I'm looking at his lines and canulas and feeling tempted to go get the damn nurses and make them come back to do a better job of it. I'm reading his notes and I know all the doctor speak that basically means 'We have no idea what the fuck his prognosis is, but at least he's still breathing now, right?'."
"Definitely would be interesting foreplay. It's nice to know my hands would still have that effect on you. Maybe you need to get someone else to have a look. It's not like they wouldn't understand. Even Proctor might do it for you. It could be a good bonding exercise for you two." She shrugged a little. "Not that I'm trying to find positives again. Alright, so we have no idea about the genetic thing, and we're still grey on the rest of the causes... We're never going to be able to guess if you're going to get cancer, or not. It'll happen, or it won't. It might not even happen now, it could happen in ten years, twenty years. Let's just consider the kidneys. How do you really feel about that? Do you think you have a chance of coping with just one kidney? Would you honestly think it would help Rick if the operation, and the chemo might not?" Serena gave his leg a soft squeeze with her free hand. "I'm sure she knows it's only because you're worried about him. She'll get it. Just don't be surprised if she does slap you down."
"Okay, first? No." Chris said, throwing his hands up. "And second? Hell fucking no! Proctor is never, ever going to see my ass, let alone my balls. Just saying. I wasn't trying to think about causes or any of that bullshit. All I'm saying is that it scares me, alright? I'm not asking you to diagnose this. I'm not your patient, remember? Again. I don't want you to diagnose me, or give me statistics, or prognosis, or information on cancer. If I wanted that, I would have brought Doc Watson along for the night to keep me company. I told you I don't know how I feel about it. Please, please listen to what I'm saying, yeah? I just need to know you're listening to me and not hell-bent on trying to save me from any pain. You can't. You can't save me from that. It's painful no matter what. My brother is seriously ill, a brother who, his whole life, has caused me pain in one way or another. I'm just trying to sort through that in my head and find a way to cope with this without throwing up everytime I let myself stay on it long enough. Or I won't be healthy enough to help him whether I want to or not. I don't know the ins and outs of it, but I have an appointment with the Renal unit for an evaluation. The trick is getting it done without Rick finding out. He's going to be sorry he made me his medical proxy. I can use this path without needing his permission," he added with a small smirk. "I'll have a bunch of tests, blood, urine, EKG, CT, maybe even a colonoscopy. All those results along with my med history will give me the answer... then to see if I'm a viable match. I'm the best option as his brother."
Serena nodded and kept quiet as he spoke, even staying quiet for a long time afterwards. Medicine was what she knew. It was how she saw things now, she couldn't help it. Even Chris had to remember their first times together when Serena spent her time mapping out his vertebrae as they made out. She was a medicine geek, and now her personal life was suffering. She rest her head against his shoulder as she picked up his hand and explored the lines on his palm. "I'm scared... just so you know. The idea of you going into surgery scares me. The idea of you getting cancer scares me. But I'll do whatever you need me to. Like listen. I will get it right. When's the appointment? Can I come with you?"
Chris rested his head back against the lounge and looked over her face. "Is that even a good idea? I don't know anymore. I've lost track of everything. Dave knows, Aimee knows, and Rick knows. I don't think anyone else does. What if people start getting suspicious why you're with me for a routine evalutation?"
Serena sucked in a breath as she looked at him, the tears back. She struggled to keep them back this time and a few escaped down her cheeks. "I can't handle not just being able to be with you. This is bullshit. You're my boyfriend and you're going through hell. I should be able to be with you."
Chris wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on her shoulder with another rough sigh. He was quiet for what felt like a really long time, just drawing as much from the embrace as he could. They had the privacy here, and were well away from anyone who could see them and spill the beans, but he could still feel in his gut that he was on edge, and it was a sensation he was coming to really hate. That wait during Rick's surgery alone had been horrible. He hadn't even been able to call on Dave, who was still recuperating from the flu, and it was vital he recuperated so he didn't stay ill and weaken himself again. "What do we do?" he asked in not much more than a whisper.
Serena fisted his shirt in her hand as she stayed in the embrace, trembling a little as the quiet sobs wracked her frame. She didn't like being a bystander. That was the thing that was really getting to her. It was why she found herself falling back into the doctor role. "I think we have to tell them," she replied not much louder than Chris. "Everyone... I can't let you go through this alone. I just can't. Even if I sit there and just have duct tape over my mouth, I want to be with you."
The situation seemed resolute to Chris all of a sudden, but that didn't mean it was going to be easy. In fact, as soon as she said the words, he knew he agreed, but he also started to feel a nervous nausea niggle in his gut about facing Proctor with the truth. What it would mean, what it could lead to. Even the thought of telling Eva had him nervous. He knew once she found out how long this had been going on under her nose, she was going to be hurt and probably angry at both of them for the lies. "Let's just hope it doesn't land me disciplinary action. Getting sent home could be the least of my worries. In fact, considering my past few weeks, getting sent home feels like a honeymoon in comparison."
Serena wanted to believe that Chris wouldn't get disciplinary action for dating her, but it was true that they just had no idea how Proctor would react. Even then they had no idea if the Alpha Team really could carry on working so well together if Eva and Proctor both chose to see the secret relationship as a betrayal of trust. But they'd have to understand, wouldn't they? They'd have to get that Chris and Serena weren't doing it because they didn't trust their colleagues. She kept her lips pressed together as she let out a frustrated sigh. "We're not going to know what it'll do until we just do it. Like ripping off a band-aid. Maybe we should have done it a while ago, but I don't know... Right now the people that we thought needed to know know. Our brothers, Dave, and Aimee. Even if the last too were accidental. But it's been a relief to have at least someone know. It could get me in just as much trouble as you."
Chris shook his head and held up his hand. "No... no, it's not like ripping a band-aid off when it's my career, alright? It's a lot, lot worse than ripping a band-aid off. You told your brother? I haven't even met him. Fuck..." he mumbled and scratched his fingers through his hair with a frustrated sigh. "No, Serena, look. It's not going to get you in trouble. The only way you will get into trouble if you do something unethical in the work place and it hinders patients. It's different for me because I'm in the superior position. It could be seen that I was taking advantage of you. And? He's going to think I covered for you with that pnuemo because we were sleeping together. He's going to wonder what else I've covered for you. I just need to sit down with him and talk to him. We've been getting along better, but I'm just going to be outright honest with him and tell him he's the reason I didn't want to say anything. Because I had no idea how he was going to react to anything. I still don't know if I can trust him, and that's the plain and simple truth."
"You don't want me to go with you?" Serena asked him quietly. "It's like removing a major organ... I won't be able to deal with it if I get you fired. I just won't. It's the one thing I've never wanted to have happen. I don't want to be something you wind up hating because I ruined your career. I'm not worth that, Chris. I'm not..."
Chris pulled back a little and looked at her, dumbfounded. In fact, his mouth dropped open a little. He really didn't get some of the things that came out of her mouth sometimes. "You're not? Then why the fuck are we even here? Why am I here?"
Serena blinked as she shrunk back. She really, really just wanted to ground to open up and swallow her. "You said you wouldn't be in this if it meant giving up your career... Didn't you? Not that you'd be giving it up, you'd get it stripped away. I just don't want to be a regret, that's all. I don't want you to wind up losing your job and then you look at me, and just don't like me anymore." Serena rubbed her fingers against her forehead as she struggled to get her thoughts out of her mouth without it sounding like shit again. "You mean the world to me, Chris. You really do. And you're not a second prize to me. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
"You don't think maybe just a little bit has changed since I said that?" Chris asked her and then rubbed his eyes a little before looking out at the views of the ocean. "Sometimes I feel like I need to talk in circles with you. What did I just say earlier? That maybe hearing my brother and best mate had cancer had changed things. Serena, I don't have the energy to talk in circles. Either we're in this or we're not, and if we're not, you better tell me now so I can walk away and find another foundation to walk on and deal with this."
"A lot's changed since then, and I guess I'm scared. I lose my footing just as easily as anyone else. I'm not always sure of things. I'm sorry about the circles thing, I really am." Serena pulled out of the embrace and got up to walk over to the balcony so she could look back over the ocean. The tears were back and this time she didn't stop them. "We're in this. Of course we're in this. I love you, remember?"
Chris stayed where he was and reached behind him to drop the back of the sunlounge down to completely horizontal. It felt nice to be horizontal. At least this was more comfortable than those hospital chairs. It felt like ages since he had been in his own bed. He even kicked his shoes off and loosened his pants to get a bit more comfortable. "You lose your footing a lot more easier than most," he had to point out quietly. "Just so you know, I'm not going to have confidence in this... us... if you don't."
"This year's been all about firsts for me..." Serena wiped at her cheeks as she sniffed quietly. "First time I've really hit the ground running as a trauma surgeon, first time I've found myself so crazy about someone, and the first time I've had to work so hard to hide it." She pushed off the railing and came back over to sit on the other sunlounge. "I have confidence in us. I really do. I guess what's really scaring me right now is that you talk about giving your kidney to Rick, and the truth is I'd do the same for you if I was ever a match."
Chris let his eyes rest for a few moments before he opened them again and looked up at her with a faint smile. He reached over for her hand and sighed softly. "I'm sorry I'm making this so hard for you. I feel like I'm drowning some days and I don't... well, let's just say I didn't want to feel like that in my life again. I've been here before, but for different reasons. This is all those feelings, only like they're amplified in surround sound. And to answer your earlier question when you went all insecure on me again, it's not that I don't want you to come with me when I speak to Proctor. I do, in fact, I think we should talk to him together. But I also think I should talk to him first. I'm in the worst position here. He is going to think I should be the more experienced one to make sounder decisions, and if he's going to fire me, I'd rather it be without an audience."
Serena moved down onto the ground next to his chair and held onto his hand as she kissed the back of it, and then rest her head against his stomach. "I'm probably stubborn and stupid enough to still not leave you alone no matter how hard you make it on me. I'm the perfectionist, remember? I'm always going to be hard on myself. You can't make it any worse for me than I can for myself. You just need to know you're not alone, okay? I won't let you drown." Serena looked up at him. "If he fires you, can I at least kick him in the shins?"
Chris smirked and brushed his fingers through her long hair. "Well, at least if you do, he'll have enough trauma surgeons around to fix him. Here's hoping with all his life metaphors and second chance on the world, he'll understand why we've been doing it..." He closed his eyes again. "In the meantime, I just want to forget about the rest of the world, even for an hour. It's nice here."
Serena smiled finally as she closed her eyes at the feel of his fingers in her hair. "Mm, fingers crossed... I think we should make this a regular getaway. I don't even mind paying for the room next time. And any second now I'm going to get up and get room service. I'm starved." She turned her head as she inched up Chris shirt and kissed the strip of skin just about his waistline. "There is no rest of the world... Just us."
Chris nodded, letting his eyes stay closed and feeling just a hint of relaxation start within him. "This is where I learnt to surf," he revealed. "Just over there somewhere." He waved his hand in the general direction of the beach. "One summer before everything went down the pan with my father. Rick and I actually spent some time hanging out here on a family holiday, until he found a chick and lost interest in me. I had my first kiss here," he laughed softly and scrunched his nose up. "It was horrible. It was like she was trying to suck on an overfrozen Slusho, only they were my lips and not a straw... I like just us."
Serena laughed. "If I ever kiss you like I'm trying to suck on an overfrozen Slusho, I want you to just tell me and slap some sense into me. I like just us, too. Even if it's nice hearing you talk about your memories. I'm sorry they're not exactly happy ones."
"College were my happiest memories. Everything before that is pretty much a write-off. I have the odd nice memory here and there that I keep a hold of, but I'm all for going foward and not stuck on living in the past. Hopefully one day things are just a bit easier..." Chris murmured with a soft sigh. He just wanted that one day to come sooner rather than later.
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