(no subject)
i guess the greatest lesson i've learned this past year is that things keep moving foward. you have to work to keep things how you want and if people aren't willing to, move on.
i wish i was the type of person who was content without social contact but that's not me. i love affection, i love friends, i love laughing and somehow this year went from just that to nothing but fighting and bickering with everyone i've cared for. there are so many people i have in my life but none of them are constant except for my cousin. kate..her and i have been close friends for yearssssss..most of my childhood her and i were inseperable but we grew into two different people of course and that's what keeps our friendship going but it's not constant. we don't see eachother everyweek or talk all the time and thats fine because she's not my best friend but when we get together it's like we havent missed a beat. kelly and taylor...i'm not going to get into. i question our friendships on a daily basis and i know things will never be the same. it's sad though because they were always my favorite. and finally, vanessa. how you can do something like that to someone you "love" is beyond me. i love that girl so much and will always love her and i know that. but when there's just so much disregard for someone else's feelings, a person gets tired of being the only one putting in effort to maintain any kind of a relationship. this one hurt the most and i don't know when i'll fully recover because it's not something i've ever felt before. we were the perfect couple and it's sad to see how things have pogressed downwards but there's only so much a person can do. we could have been something beyond amazing and we almost were. i don't know that it was distance that tore us apart or our own insecurities and lack of trust from previous relationships. when you've been hurt it's hard to love and i thought we both did but things deffinately came as a suprise to me and i know next time will be a lot harder for me to open up to someone. the last two relationships i've been in, i've been cheated on so trust and repsect are going to be a hugee thing for me. i think this also hurts the most because she knew what it felt like, did it and kept it from me for so long. not only that but she bugged out because of betsy. whom speaking of which, i miss. i stopped talking to her because of vanessa which i sometimes question. she'd been the best friend i didn't have. intelligent and full of conversation and things to share. and i loved being able to call her for advice and have her call me when her and her gf were having problems and i threw away an amazing friendship with someone i cared for for someone i loved, only to find out i'd been betrayed.
i wish rachel and nicole lived closer so i could see them more often because they've been good friends to me. and i'm glad to have melissa because she's proven to be someone i can rely on. i just am no longer putting all my eggs in one basket for anyone until they prove to me they're worth it. this year has sucked and sure, it's ending but all the sadness and the problems don't go away they just carry over into the next. i sound so depressed and i am. i've never been this pesemistic before and i hate this new me i've become but with nothing but toxic people around, i've become so negative. i just want change, i want happiness within myself and with others.
i wish i was the type of person who was content without social contact but that's not me. i love affection, i love friends, i love laughing and somehow this year went from just that to nothing but fighting and bickering with everyone i've cared for. there are so many people i have in my life but none of them are constant except for my cousin. kate..her and i have been close friends for yearssssss..most of my childhood her and i were inseperable but we grew into two different people of course and that's what keeps our friendship going but it's not constant. we don't see eachother everyweek or talk all the time and thats fine because she's not my best friend but when we get together it's like we havent missed a beat. kelly and taylor...i'm not going to get into. i question our friendships on a daily basis and i know things will never be the same. it's sad though because they were always my favorite. and finally, vanessa. how you can do something like that to someone you "love" is beyond me. i love that girl so much and will always love her and i know that. but when there's just so much disregard for someone else's feelings, a person gets tired of being the only one putting in effort to maintain any kind of a relationship. this one hurt the most and i don't know when i'll fully recover because it's not something i've ever felt before. we were the perfect couple and it's sad to see how things have pogressed downwards but there's only so much a person can do. we could have been something beyond amazing and we almost were. i don't know that it was distance that tore us apart or our own insecurities and lack of trust from previous relationships. when you've been hurt it's hard to love and i thought we both did but things deffinately came as a suprise to me and i know next time will be a lot harder for me to open up to someone. the last two relationships i've been in, i've been cheated on so trust and repsect are going to be a hugee thing for me. i think this also hurts the most because she knew what it felt like, did it and kept it from me for so long. not only that but she bugged out because of betsy. whom speaking of which, i miss. i stopped talking to her because of vanessa which i sometimes question. she'd been the best friend i didn't have. intelligent and full of conversation and things to share. and i loved being able to call her for advice and have her call me when her and her gf were having problems and i threw away an amazing friendship with someone i cared for for someone i loved, only to find out i'd been betrayed.
i wish rachel and nicole lived closer so i could see them more often because they've been good friends to me. and i'm glad to have melissa because she's proven to be someone i can rely on. i just am no longer putting all my eggs in one basket for anyone until they prove to me they're worth it. this year has sucked and sure, it's ending but all the sadness and the problems don't go away they just carry over into the next. i sound so depressed and i am. i've never been this pesemistic before and i hate this new me i've become but with nothing but toxic people around, i've become so negative. i just want change, i want happiness within myself and with others.