Library Tales of Woe.
**WARNING, this is extremely long. I don't post all that often, and have crammed about a years worth of anger into one post.
Dear Mrs. Tutor,
First of all, on our first encounter, it is not my duty to know where your student is. If he's supposed to be here at 6, well then he's supposed to be here at 6. I'm not his driver, his parent, or in any other way affiliated with this child. No one called, so NO, I have no idea where he is. Stop asking!
Second, now that you've been tutoring him for a while... it is not my job to play babysitter. If you got up and walked away for ten minutes and now he's gone, this is not my problem. You shouldn't have left him unattended. After your tutoring session, I happened to glance upstairs* and saw him wandering around. When I made eye contact and yelled up to him and told him that he was not aloud up there, he merely walked away from the window. You and my coworker had to go up after him to get him to come down. This leads me to believe that you KNOW he is a wanderer. Then WHY do you keep asking me where he is?! I am at the desk, I am checking-in/-out patrons items, assisting them with their asinine computer questions, and answering the phone. I'm not playing hide-and-seek with this little bastard**. YOU keep an eye on him; until his parents show up, he is YOUR responsibility.
[*We have half of an upper level with wooden bars so that you can see up there. It is off-limits to patrons and has been since we opened eleventybillion years ago. The stairs aren't even in a convenient place to stumble across.]
[**This kid is at least 13. It's not like it's a 6 year old that doesn't know any better.]
Not so sincerely,
Your Usually Friendly and Chipper Library Clerk
General Annoyances:
1. No, we cannot send that tattered, ripped looseleaf paper through the fax machine. And yes, we will charge you the 10 cents for a photocopy so that we CAN send your fax.
2. Yes, we have free mints! Take one, or two, hell even three if you're feeling froggy. But a handful? You greedy bastard. [And your friend sucks too, since he followed suit.]
3a. No food or drinks means... say it with me... NO FOOD OR DRINKS. That means nothing of the nom-tastic variety. Take it outside, or leave it up here at the desk for me to watch over.
3b. Why do those people have tasty noms? You mean those people, back there, on the complete other side of the building, in another room? Far, far away from our precious books, computers, DVDs/CDs, and YOU? Because they are here for a cooking demonstration, and get to eat what's prepared. No, you don't get any. Because you didn't sign up for the course. And because you're using the computer. I know it smells tasty, you shoulda signed up for the course. [I, however, will devour a plateful once you leave. I work here, I get perks. :D]
4. I'm sorry our color printer printed backwards, it does that sometimes. Ma'am, if you'll let me... Ma'am, I... I will refund... BITCH, SHUT UP AND LISTEN! I WILL GIVE YOU YOUR MONEY BACK TO PRINT AGAIN! Just close your fucking piehole for THREE GOD DAMN SECONDS so I can tell you this! I know it's backwards, you selected the faulty printer selection [don't ask]. Let me put the money back on your account and I will show you which printer to select.
5a. Sorry, we're out of plastic bags. It happens. We only order our special festive ones once in a blue moon- any other bags we have were brought and left here by other patrons. I know it's raining, and you decided that you needed to check out half the children's room. However, I am bagless. No can do, sorry. Pouting, whining, and stomping your feet will not make the rain stop, nor will it make bags magic into existence at my desk. If you want us to have bags, bring some in! Or get a reusable tote that are like a dollar at any chain store, and use that!
5b. NO, you cannot have my bag. Why? Because it's my bag! It is my very nifty, black and pink star messenger bag that I spent my hard-earned monies on. MINE. NOT YOURS. BACK OFF. BACK THE FUCK OFF.
6. The computers shut themselves off at 10 minutes to closing. You get THREE! pop-up messages warning you of this. One at ten minutes to shut off, one at five minutes, another at two minutes. It's not my fault you lost your whole email/essay/myspace update/whatever. No, I can't stop them from turning off. It's library magic, they do it all by themselves. And NO I will not turn it back on for you to finish! It takes 2-3 minutes to shut down, another 4-5 to start back up. We close in 10 minutes! Get over it, learn to save your shit, and go home!
7. We are open from 10am to 8pm Monday through Friday, and 10am to 4pm on Saturday. You say we were never, ever open when you came to drop off your items? Did you manage to miss the BIG GREEN DROP-OFF BOX that is RIGHT next to the building, by the parking lot, that you have to walk past to get to the front door? Sorry, it's not my fault they're late. We are open 56 hours a week, and have a 24/7 drop box. If you cannot managed to drop shit off, you probably shouldn't be taking our shit out in the first place.
Now, a [very, very lengthy] story for you all.
A year and a half to two years ago, we got a new patron. I will call him CSD, for Creepy Stalker Dude. Physical description, as it adds to the Creepy: he's about 6 foot 5, and mid-50's in age. Old enough to be my dad. Some facts for you...
-CSD started off as a relatively normal patron
-He started telling us how pretty we all were; made comments about how he loves blonds [most of us are brunettes]
-Asked for one of the clerks phone numbers; when she quit, he told us all about how upset he was that she left
-Asked for and got the email address of one of our other clerks; she left and we know he emails her fairly often
-Asked me to bring my boyfriend over to his house every weekend for a month, I always declined
-Asked to take me out to dinner, I declined
-Printed out costumes [like, elf and clown costumes] that he thinks we should wear for holidays/events
-Printed out instructions on how to build a jet pack and wrote a lengthy note on why the library should have one [complete with spelling errors even children learning to spell wouldn't make]
-Made us cookies that he would bring to us in either beat-to-hell Ziploc bags, or "wrapped" in a fast food napkin; tried to tell us they were made with yogurt and had a 5 year shelf life
-Sits on one of the public computers all afternoon, leaves minutes before closing, and then waits to watch the staff leave the building to go to their cars
-Followed me to the Chinese food take-out place next door once; I recognized his car when I came out of the building [he never came in to place an order or anything, he just sat in his car]
-He takes out a fair amount of DVDs, and either slaps them into our hands or not-so-gently tosses them across the desk at us; he rips the DVDs and his library card away from us when we're finished checking the items out
-He's alienated a couple patrons by arguing with them over politics and classic cars, but has [unfortunately] befriended a couple of other patrons by incessantly talking to them and offering them advice
-He's asked other staff and patrons about the ages of the daughters of two of our full-time staff members [the girls are between 10 and 15]
-Now, the height thing: the circ desk in low [mid-thigh height on me, and I'm 5'8"], so we sit in chairs behind it. CSD uses his unusual height + our being seated to intimidate us. He looms over the desk, and regularly stands to block out one of the huge halogen lamps he have in the ceiling. He'll just stare at us when we're checking-out his DVDs, being all ominous and creepy.
He hasn't done anything that we can call the cops about- plus our town cops are lazy and probably wouldn't do anything in this case anyway [not even talk to him]. So basically, we just stick together, try to park near each other, and stay alert. Another patron, Super Awesome Guy!, regularly stays and watches out for us at night when CSD is around. He'll sit in the library until we've kicked everyone out and locked all the doors, then wait in his car and make sure we get to our cars safely.
Teal Deer: Tutor thinks I'm psychic and a babysitter, general library gripes, Creepy Stalker Dude is a creepy guy who stalks, and one patron made of win!
Dear Mrs. Tutor,
First of all, on our first encounter, it is not my duty to know where your student is. If he's supposed to be here at 6, well then he's supposed to be here at 6. I'm not his driver, his parent, or in any other way affiliated with this child. No one called, so NO, I have no idea where he is. Stop asking!
Second, now that you've been tutoring him for a while... it is not my job to play babysitter. If you got up and walked away for ten minutes and now he's gone, this is not my problem. You shouldn't have left him unattended. After your tutoring session, I happened to glance upstairs* and saw him wandering around. When I made eye contact and yelled up to him and told him that he was not aloud up there, he merely walked away from the window. You and my coworker had to go up after him to get him to come down. This leads me to believe that you KNOW he is a wanderer. Then WHY do you keep asking me where he is?! I am at the desk, I am checking-in/-out patrons items, assisting them with their asinine computer questions, and answering the phone. I'm not playing hide-and-seek with this little bastard**. YOU keep an eye on him; until his parents show up, he is YOUR responsibility.
[*We have half of an upper level with wooden bars so that you can see up there. It is off-limits to patrons and has been since we opened eleventybillion years ago. The stairs aren't even in a convenient place to stumble across.]
[**This kid is at least 13. It's not like it's a 6 year old that doesn't know any better.]
Not so sincerely,
Your Usually Friendly and Chipper Library Clerk
General Annoyances:
1. No, we cannot send that tattered, ripped looseleaf paper through the fax machine. And yes, we will charge you the 10 cents for a photocopy so that we CAN send your fax.
2. Yes, we have free mints! Take one, or two, hell even three if you're feeling froggy. But a handful? You greedy bastard. [And your friend sucks too, since he followed suit.]
3a. No food or drinks means... say it with me... NO FOOD OR DRINKS. That means nothing of the nom-tastic variety. Take it outside, or leave it up here at the desk for me to watch over.
3b. Why do those people have tasty noms? You mean those people, back there, on the complete other side of the building, in another room? Far, far away from our precious books, computers, DVDs/CDs, and YOU? Because they are here for a cooking demonstration, and get to eat what's prepared. No, you don't get any. Because you didn't sign up for the course. And because you're using the computer. I know it smells tasty, you shoulda signed up for the course. [I, however, will devour a plateful once you leave. I work here, I get perks. :D]
4. I'm sorry our color printer printed backwards, it does that sometimes. Ma'am, if you'll let me... Ma'am, I... I will refund... BITCH, SHUT UP AND LISTEN! I WILL GIVE YOU YOUR MONEY BACK TO PRINT AGAIN! Just close your fucking piehole for THREE GOD DAMN SECONDS so I can tell you this! I know it's backwards, you selected the faulty printer selection [don't ask]. Let me put the money back on your account and I will show you which printer to select.
5a. Sorry, we're out of plastic bags. It happens. We only order our special festive ones once in a blue moon- any other bags we have were brought and left here by other patrons. I know it's raining, and you decided that you needed to check out half the children's room. However, I am bagless. No can do, sorry. Pouting, whining, and stomping your feet will not make the rain stop, nor will it make bags magic into existence at my desk. If you want us to have bags, bring some in! Or get a reusable tote that are like a dollar at any chain store, and use that!
5b. NO, you cannot have my bag. Why? Because it's my bag! It is my very nifty, black and pink star messenger bag that I spent my hard-earned monies on. MINE. NOT YOURS. BACK OFF. BACK THE FUCK OFF.
6. The computers shut themselves off at 10 minutes to closing. You get THREE! pop-up messages warning you of this. One at ten minutes to shut off, one at five minutes, another at two minutes. It's not my fault you lost your whole email/essay/myspace update/whatever. No, I can't stop them from turning off. It's library magic, they do it all by themselves. And NO I will not turn it back on for you to finish! It takes 2-3 minutes to shut down, another 4-5 to start back up. We close in 10 minutes! Get over it, learn to save your shit, and go home!
7. We are open from 10am to 8pm Monday through Friday, and 10am to 4pm on Saturday. You say we were never, ever open when you came to drop off your items? Did you manage to miss the BIG GREEN DROP-OFF BOX that is RIGHT next to the building, by the parking lot, that you have to walk past to get to the front door? Sorry, it's not my fault they're late. We are open 56 hours a week, and have a 24/7 drop box. If you cannot managed to drop shit off, you probably shouldn't be taking our shit out in the first place.
Now, a [very, very lengthy] story for you all.
A year and a half to two years ago, we got a new patron. I will call him CSD, for Creepy Stalker Dude. Physical description, as it adds to the Creepy: he's about 6 foot 5, and mid-50's in age. Old enough to be my dad. Some facts for you...
-CSD started off as a relatively normal patron
-He started telling us how pretty we all were; made comments about how he loves blonds [most of us are brunettes]
-Asked for one of the clerks phone numbers; when she quit, he told us all about how upset he was that she left
-Asked for and got the email address of one of our other clerks; she left and we know he emails her fairly often
-Asked me to bring my boyfriend over to his house every weekend for a month, I always declined
-Asked to take me out to dinner, I declined
-Printed out costumes [like, elf and clown costumes] that he thinks we should wear for holidays/events
-Printed out instructions on how to build a jet pack and wrote a lengthy note on why the library should have one [complete with spelling errors even children learning to spell wouldn't make]
-Made us cookies that he would bring to us in either beat-to-hell Ziploc bags, or "wrapped" in a fast food napkin; tried to tell us they were made with yogurt and had a 5 year shelf life
-Sits on one of the public computers all afternoon, leaves minutes before closing, and then waits to watch the staff leave the building to go to their cars
-Followed me to the Chinese food take-out place next door once; I recognized his car when I came out of the building [he never came in to place an order or anything, he just sat in his car]
-He takes out a fair amount of DVDs, and either slaps them into our hands or not-so-gently tosses them across the desk at us; he rips the DVDs and his library card away from us when we're finished checking the items out
-He's alienated a couple patrons by arguing with them over politics and classic cars, but has [unfortunately] befriended a couple of other patrons by incessantly talking to them and offering them advice
-He's asked other staff and patrons about the ages of the daughters of two of our full-time staff members [the girls are between 10 and 15]
-Now, the height thing: the circ desk in low [mid-thigh height on me, and I'm 5'8"], so we sit in chairs behind it. CSD uses his unusual height + our being seated to intimidate us. He looms over the desk, and regularly stands to block out one of the huge halogen lamps he have in the ceiling. He'll just stare at us when we're checking-out his DVDs, being all ominous and creepy.
He hasn't done anything that we can call the cops about- plus our town cops are lazy and probably wouldn't do anything in this case anyway [not even talk to him]. So basically, we just stick together, try to park near each other, and stay alert. Another patron, Super Awesome Guy!, regularly stays and watches out for us at night when CSD is around. He'll sit in the library until we've kicked everyone out and locked all the doors, then wait in his car and make sure we get to our cars safely.
Teal Deer: Tutor thinks I'm psychic and a babysitter, general library gripes, Creepy Stalker Dude is a creepy guy who stalks, and one patron made of win!