every time you come around
Ahahaha so, my day. Incoherence forthcoming.
I made it to Costume Construction exactly on time: win! Except then I sewed a placket onto a cuff inside out, somehow, and got to stick around halfway through the Construction II class picking out all my seams and redoing them. So I left that class kind of irritated with myself for being a ditz, consoled myself with a sandwich from Potbelly's, and went on to the lounge where I had the vague idea the LGBTQ folks were meeting this afternoon.
The lounge was empty except for me, so far, so I decided to be awesome and proactive and go get a mirror to do my self-portrait homework, because drawing in front of other people makes me fidgety and self-conscious, because I suck. So I went and got a mirror and . . . voila, some old dude with a briefcase brought in three other old dudes with briefcases on some kind of tour, so of course I froze up, because I was the only other one there and I was conspicuous and old guys with briefcases can of course detect fail, which I radiate in huge waves, like sharks smelling blood. So instead of doing my homework I sat there and darted nervous glances around in between digging holes in my arms, until eventually they went away, at which point I gave up all hope for humanity myself and put the mirror back. And discovered, in the process, that Common Ground was actually meeting three blocks away.
I am not entirely sure why, at this juncture, I did not just give up and leave campus entirely. But I didn't.
Instead I actually went to the Common Ground meeting, like a remotely sane functional person would do. And I talked to people! And said things in the meeting occasionally! Until halfway through, when the malfuncitoning part of my brain (which is most of it) suddenly reminded me that I had actual negative relationship experience and nothing to contribute and I was completely useless and should just get out already. The catch to this was, there were about twenty people in densely packed chairs between me and the door; so I just spent the last half hour sitting quietly in the back corner hoping no one would notice that I was crying for no good reason.
So there I was, standing on the subway platform crying like a character in a shitty indie movie, because I suck and I know that I suck and I really didn't want to go back to being that person who could never leave her room because she couldn't stop bursting into tears in public from sheer self-loathing. And then, by some bizarre miracle, despite being on the train to the workplace I usually avoid at all costs because it and most of the people there are profoundly upsetting: I actually talked myself down from this shit for once. It was kind of awesome. And when I got to work I discovered that most of the guys I hated are gone, and the CEO from whom I was supposed to get my paycheck had gone on his lunch break and never gone back, but the guy I like was there and gave me cracked software and promised to write my letter of recommendation to Columbia.
THE MORALS OF THIS STORY ARE. I still kind of suck, but I'm okay with my own suck for the moment, and I am going to write some fic tonight and it is not going to be ~*~the best fic ever~*~ but it will suck substantially less than I do. Also: fuck homework, I'm doing that shit tomorrow. And also: I might go to the LGBT folks' welcome reception Wednesday afternoon! I might even talk to people. Like, in real life and everything. WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN.
I made it to Costume Construction exactly on time: win! Except then I sewed a placket onto a cuff inside out, somehow, and got to stick around halfway through the Construction II class picking out all my seams and redoing them. So I left that class kind of irritated with myself for being a ditz, consoled myself with a sandwich from Potbelly's, and went on to the lounge where I had the vague idea the LGBTQ folks were meeting this afternoon.
The lounge was empty except for me, so far, so I decided to be awesome and proactive and go get a mirror to do my self-portrait homework, because drawing in front of other people makes me fidgety and self-conscious, because I suck. So I went and got a mirror and . . . voila, some old dude with a briefcase brought in three other old dudes with briefcases on some kind of tour, so of course I froze up, because I was the only other one there and I was conspicuous and old guys with briefcases can of course detect fail, which I radiate in huge waves, like sharks smelling blood. So instead of doing my homework I sat there and darted nervous glances around in between digging holes in my arms, until eventually they went away, at which point I gave up all hope for humanity myself and put the mirror back. And discovered, in the process, that Common Ground was actually meeting three blocks away.
I am not entirely sure why, at this juncture, I did not just give up and leave campus entirely. But I didn't.
Instead I actually went to the Common Ground meeting, like a remotely sane functional person would do. And I talked to people! And said things in the meeting occasionally! Until halfway through, when the malfuncitoning part of my brain (which is most of it) suddenly reminded me that I had actual negative relationship experience and nothing to contribute and I was completely useless and should just get out already. The catch to this was, there were about twenty people in densely packed chairs between me and the door; so I just spent the last half hour sitting quietly in the back corner hoping no one would notice that I was crying for no good reason.
So there I was, standing on the subway platform crying like a character in a shitty indie movie, because I suck and I know that I suck and I really didn't want to go back to being that person who could never leave her room because she couldn't stop bursting into tears in public from sheer self-loathing. And then, by some bizarre miracle, despite being on the train to the workplace I usually avoid at all costs because it and most of the people there are profoundly upsetting: I actually talked myself down from this shit for once. It was kind of awesome. And when I got to work I discovered that most of the guys I hated are gone, and the CEO from whom I was supposed to get my paycheck had gone on his lunch break and never gone back, but the guy I like was there and gave me cracked software and promised to write my letter of recommendation to Columbia.
THE MORALS OF THIS STORY ARE. I still kind of suck, but I'm okay with my own suck for the moment, and I am going to write some fic tonight and it is not going to be ~*~the best fic ever~*~ but it will suck substantially less than I do. Also: fuck homework, I'm doing that shit tomorrow. And also: I might go to the LGBT folks' welcome reception Wednesday afternoon! I might even talk to people. Like, in real life and everything. WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN.