"A community of dabblers who are vain and fond of biting backs"
So I was walking in my mind. I am walking. I don't know, maybe everything, but it doesn't matter.
I still want to grip onto something beautiful and solemn. I feel out of my self.
Okay, so here's the thing, I love the sunshine but sometimes there's just too much of it and I just know I'm not that innocent right now. I know I am darker than that, and it suddenly feels a little plasticy to be happy and social like I learned how to be. I saw Owen and remembered when I wanted to be invisible or at least dark enough that if I stood in the right places no one would think of me to pity me. I wanted to be present, not to be hiding, but simply not cared about. When did people start to care about me. When did I become something people could be let down from. I didn't ask for that did I? I wanted life in the dark. But I guess that's not all the way true. I guess I forget loneliness. I don't think I could be the urban hermit I wanted and have found Bethany. And I love Bethany. I love her so much. So I can't be so dark. I can't be so isolated because I don't want to be. But I miss it.
I miss my darkness.
Would you still like me if I let my darkness be me too? Would I still like me? Screw this. I'm confused.
(Can we be anti-social nomads still sometimes? I'm tired of being noticed.)
I still want to grip onto something beautiful and solemn. I feel out of my self.
Okay, so here's the thing, I love the sunshine but sometimes there's just too much of it and I just know I'm not that innocent right now. I know I am darker than that, and it suddenly feels a little plasticy to be happy and social like I learned how to be. I saw Owen and remembered when I wanted to be invisible or at least dark enough that if I stood in the right places no one would think of me to pity me. I wanted to be present, not to be hiding, but simply not cared about. When did people start to care about me. When did I become something people could be let down from. I didn't ask for that did I? I wanted life in the dark. But I guess that's not all the way true. I guess I forget loneliness. I don't think I could be the urban hermit I wanted and have found Bethany. And I love Bethany. I love her so much. So I can't be so dark. I can't be so isolated because I don't want to be. But I miss it.
I miss my darkness.
Would you still like me if I let my darkness be me too? Would I still like me? Screw this. I'm confused.
(Can we be anti-social nomads still sometimes? I'm tired of being noticed.)