Flashback: Raye Pember
Light is increasingly aware that his need to gloat is a tremendous weakness, which contributed to getting him killed. He's always been a bad loser: the psych profile on his father's computer had read immature ... hates to lose. He'd laughed at the first part, considering himself particularly mature for 17, but not the second.
He'd known he was going to have to protect himself, that he was going to have to kill people, good people, probably detectives and law enforcement types like his father, if he was going to follow through on creating the new world. He'd thought it would be hard, but in reality, it hadn't been difficult at all. L had called him out in front of the whole of Kanto, first of all, and the news story had gone all around the Internet not long afterwards. Light still remembers the anger he'd felt, and the cringing humiliation at how easily and neatly he'd been netted by L's simple trap. Still, how could I have done anything else? he tells himself - still, years later, he remembers his few defeats and considers how to stop them from repeating themselves. The good guys aren't meant to do effective things like offering criminals up to the slaughter. No, that's supposed to be the exclusive province of-
Light shuts down the thought before he can complete it: he knows perfectly well he isn't a "bad guy", that a few mavericks had decided they could overturn the expressed will of their world: while nearly the entire planet was shrieking his name, a handful of do-gooders had decided their personal moral quibbles were more valuable than the safety and security of the whole world. It was nauseating, honestly.
But even though he'd known that his shadow was almost certainly a good man, he'd been a threat, to Light personally as well as to Kira and the new world. He'd had to go, and it was easy to paste L's computerised voice over the man Raye Pember and treat him as an extension of Light's declared war with L. He'd known getting personally involved was a huge risk, but there had been no choice - well, none other than leaving the FBI to stalk him indefinitely and possibly arrest him. And when his plan had gone so perfectly, he hadn't been able to resist looking off the train into Pember's face, to let him see who had killed him.
The rush ... it had been indescribable, better than every results table he'd topped, better than all those victories at tennis and chess, better than every test result and gold star he'd brought home to his parents when he was still in infant school and their approval had been the most important thing in the world. And in retrospect, he was definitely able to say it was way, way better than sex.
It had made him wonder what it would be like to really kill someone, to find and stalk a victim and make them die using his own hands and his own strength. It had been a curious thought, an intriguing one which he'd never spoken to anyone, even Ryuk, who would only have been mildly interested and not condemned him. And it had made him realise the truth of Ryuk's prediction, "you'll be the only fucked-up person left", with an immediacy it hadn't had before.
Yet at the same time, he'd known it wasn't a crime just to be curious about something. The difference between him and the criminals he killed, Light knew, was that he would never do any of the things that fascinated him. It was one thing to kill criminals who made the world worse for others through their actions, and another to eliminate people who were misguidedly trying to abort his new world while it was yet unborn; but going out and killing some innocent for kicks would definitely be an appalling and irredeemable thing: a crime.
Plus, he might have lost.
But it had been so addictive, the thrill of the chase, the pattern of point and counterpoint between himself and L and their proxies. At every turn, he knew, he'd managed to do something stupid, and that's why I'm here in this mansion, and not consolidating my control over the rest of the world-
Light doesn't believe in second chances: you got an opportunity, and you took it, and got it right. If you mess it up, you pay the consequences, and so on.
He wonders if that is the rule here, or if he can bend it slightly and escape through the gap.
He'd known he was going to have to protect himself, that he was going to have to kill people, good people, probably detectives and law enforcement types like his father, if he was going to follow through on creating the new world. He'd thought it would be hard, but in reality, it hadn't been difficult at all. L had called him out in front of the whole of Kanto, first of all, and the news story had gone all around the Internet not long afterwards. Light still remembers the anger he'd felt, and the cringing humiliation at how easily and neatly he'd been netted by L's simple trap. Still, how could I have done anything else? he tells himself - still, years later, he remembers his few defeats and considers how to stop them from repeating themselves. The good guys aren't meant to do effective things like offering criminals up to the slaughter. No, that's supposed to be the exclusive province of-
Light shuts down the thought before he can complete it: he knows perfectly well he isn't a "bad guy", that a few mavericks had decided they could overturn the expressed will of their world: while nearly the entire planet was shrieking his name, a handful of do-gooders had decided their personal moral quibbles were more valuable than the safety and security of the whole world. It was nauseating, honestly.
But even though he'd known that his shadow was almost certainly a good man, he'd been a threat, to Light personally as well as to Kira and the new world. He'd had to go, and it was easy to paste L's computerised voice over the man Raye Pember and treat him as an extension of Light's declared war with L. He'd known getting personally involved was a huge risk, but there had been no choice - well, none other than leaving the FBI to stalk him indefinitely and possibly arrest him. And when his plan had gone so perfectly, he hadn't been able to resist looking off the train into Pember's face, to let him see who had killed him.
The rush ... it had been indescribable, better than every results table he'd topped, better than all those victories at tennis and chess, better than every test result and gold star he'd brought home to his parents when he was still in infant school and their approval had been the most important thing in the world. And in retrospect, he was definitely able to say it was way, way better than sex.
It had made him wonder what it would be like to really kill someone, to find and stalk a victim and make them die using his own hands and his own strength. It had been a curious thought, an intriguing one which he'd never spoken to anyone, even Ryuk, who would only have been mildly interested and not condemned him. And it had made him realise the truth of Ryuk's prediction, "you'll be the only fucked-up person left", with an immediacy it hadn't had before.
Yet at the same time, he'd known it wasn't a crime just to be curious about something. The difference between him and the criminals he killed, Light knew, was that he would never do any of the things that fascinated him. It was one thing to kill criminals who made the world worse for others through their actions, and another to eliminate people who were misguidedly trying to abort his new world while it was yet unborn; but going out and killing some innocent for kicks would definitely be an appalling and irredeemable thing: a crime.
Plus, he might have lost.
But it had been so addictive, the thrill of the chase, the pattern of point and counterpoint between himself and L and their proxies. At every turn, he knew, he'd managed to do something stupid, and that's why I'm here in this mansion, and not consolidating my control over the rest of the world-
Light doesn't believe in second chances: you got an opportunity, and you took it, and got it right. If you mess it up, you pay the consequences, and so on.
He wonders if that is the rule here, or if he can bend it slightly and escape through the gap.