I still hurt.
I can't even tell you how much. I think I will be finding my own place in the fall. Perhaps I will just forget about everybody. Find a new life. I don't know. I am still breaking, and this is my only outlet. I can't tell anybody how I feel because they will just call me stupid. And I have no right to stand in the way of Rose's happiness. I just want to hate someone, and I can't even hate Joel. He's too nice a guy for that. And I get the feeling that Rose likes Joel for all the reasons she hated me. I doubt it, but he seems as much of an uber-nerd as I am. Of course, he does drink beer. Rose wants a man that can be as intellectual as manly. Perhaps that is it. I am not manly in the least. I am a pansy. Lord, I just want to run away. Why? Why do I love her? She has treated me like so much shit, but there were the good times too. I want to die. I can't even feel good about anything I am doing now. I have my exam for certification coming up and I can't even think about it. Just as my life is about to shift into drive, the gears are stripping. Maybe I should just rob a bank. I wouldn't have to worry about my love life, or would I? Still, getting used as a prison bitch would probably be less painful than this, at least emotionally. Physical pain I can get over. These wounds just fester and refuse to close. Even with Erin I never felt this bad. I am destined to be alone. Even if things work out with Laura, my heart will reside with Rose. I'll be living a lie. All because I am not "responsible." Her word, not mine.