The Painter [Chapter 19]
Title: The Painter
Chapters: 19/20(?)
Genre: Romance. Angst. AU. Fluff. Smut. Humor.
Warnings: Angst.
Ratings: PG-13
Pairings: AoixUruha (main), ReitaxRuki (side)
Disclaimer: I only own my imagination ♪
Synopsis: A painter which convictions and hopes are destroyed by a single man. A single man who would change his life.
Comments: At laaaast! This one's for irmavep777, happy birthday babe ♥
Yuu massaged his temples, elbows resting on the wooden surface of the desk of his office and a sigh could be heard in the emptiness of it.
He stared at the clock and wondered how much time was left before he could go back home and try to sleep, because last night had been rythmed by coffee cups, cigarettes, low music and headaches.
Because Kouyou was his only obsession. And the calls he didn't pick up, the messages not answered, the things he couldn't say...It was added to a list Yuu liked to call "the things fucked up that I deeply regret".
His first failed attempt to graduate highschool. The first time he had sex. The first time he had sex with a boy. His first cigarette. The first piece he painted.
And there was Kouyou.
I fucked up. I fucking fucked up with him.
Did I take the right decision by leaving Kanagawa?
- Oh God...
He shut his eyes tight, swallowed nothingness and hit his head with his fist.
A knock.
- Come in.
They had an appointment? No because Yuu had told him that he could come anytime, he would always be welcomed. Takanori smiled brightly but frowned when he didn't get the same warmth from the dark haired.
- What's wrong? Did something happen with Kou?
Nervous laugh.
- That's the matter. Nothing happened.
Takanori tilted his head on one side.
- What is it then? Yuu...Don't tell me you...Got tired of him? Yuu please...
The critic let his fingers drum, irritated.
- Why do you doubt me? Why can't you see how bad I feel without him around? This fucking stupid weirdo stole my sanity, I'm sleepless and it's like I'm a woman on her periods! Is it that disease people call love? Because I want to be cured already!
Takanori let out a sigh.
- I thought...You had found each other back already.
Yuu snorted.
- Can't you see? We're not leaving the bed!
- Instead of being abusively sarcastic to me for no reason, go to his place and make things up with him.
The dark haired stayed silent.
- Yes, he's in Tokyo for now almost a week, he wanted to see you and I don't even know if he tried to but well, last time we talked he was desperate about you. So now move your ass of this fucking chair and just go.
Takanori hadn't time to say anything else because Yuu was storming out of his office with his car keys and nothing more than that. The writer smiled and thought that their appointment had been useless for his own case but not for their friend's.
As soon as he left the office, Yuu's secretary appeared and handed him a paper, nodding on the phone and Takanori thought for himself that she was stupid to nod like this to her interlocutor. He took the paper while she was finishing the conversation and he frowned when he read an address there.
- Mr Shiroyama had you an appointment. He was going to tell you today but, it seems he has some important things to do at the moment.
Yeah, like winning Kouyou's heart back. Takanori smiled to himself.
- So you just have to go there tomorrow at 9. Is that possible Mr Matsumoto?
The writer nodded, touched that even lost in his troubles, Yuu had thought about him and he was hoping that the man would know how to make things up with Kouyou. They both deserved a rest in each other's arms.
After he realized he had never been to Kouyou's apartment, Yuu tried to find a Takashima over the different mail boxes in the hall of the building, read the number and rushed in the elevator, impatient. He almost abandoned when the doors finally closed on him and he cursed out loud for not having taken the stairs. Elevators were good enough when you were lazy, but not when impatient.
When the doors opened, Yuu for the second time this day wondered which door was Kouyou's and he thought he was going to die there if he had to knock at each of them until his lover's face would appear.
He was going to surrender to this plan when a small silhouette appeared, noise of keys locking a door behind him and he found himself staring at an old man who was smiling, wrinkles following the warmth his face was showing.
It unsettled Yuu a little and he finally managed to let his lips show a weak smile to the man. This one bowed his head slightly and walked to the elevator until Yuu called him out.
- Excuse me sir...
The man stopped in mid motion and gazed at Yuu, curious.
- Do you know where Takashima Kouyou lives? I mean, I don't know which door it is and I don't want to bother anyone here.
The old man nodded:
- The painter right? He lives right here.
The old man showed the first door at the left of the elevator but as Yuu was already walking toward it, he said:
- But you won't find him there.
Yuu frowned, unable to hide the worry in his voice:
- What do you mean? Is he gone somewhere?
The other smiled and with a finger, pointed above them, something Yuu assumed to be the sky.
He went pale and held onto the nearest wall, looking at the man whose expression had gone from soft to concern.
- Are you feeling alright mister?
Yuu swallowed with difficulty the small amount of saliva in his mouth and simply retorted:
- Since when?
The old man seemed thoughtful:
- He went there when I took my dog for a walk...Hm...Two hours ago. I think he's painting because he had a bag full of brushes and tubes.
Yuu took a deep breath, relief invading his whole mind and body, understanding now where Kouyou was.
- He seems a bit down recently. His smile wasn't as bright as it used to be.
Yuu thanked the old man and got into the elevator again, he was about to press onto the button of the roof top when he realized the old man was surely going to take it too and apologized. The other laughed.
- Alright young man, let's go up first because I can see you won't make it otherwise.
Yuu scratched his head, embarrassed and smiled.
- Thank you, really.
- Let's hope you can give back his smiles to that painter.
He didn't know if the old man could even imagine what kind of relation he had with Kouyou. He didn't want to think about it. Maybe this man had grasped enough, or not at all, and it just seemed like a strong friendship to him.
Maybe...But his words were having an impact, like duty was calling and Yuu had to save Kouyou definitely.
Those words coming from a perfect stranger, it was encouraging, comforting even. Like a parent for their child. Like a father for their son. Something Yuu never properly had.
And when the elevator suddenly stopped, Yuu turned to look at the old man with a smile:
- I will.
Two steps and he heard the machine going down, two steps and he saw Kouyou standing, his blond hair streaming with the weak wind.
Yuu's heart fluttered.
He came closer to him and noticed he was holding a bottle. Kouyou didn't move, still unaware of the presence behind him.
Yuu's heart broke.
Closer now, and still quiet, the critic let his hand slowly and softly meet the cold glass of the bottle and when he pulled on it, stole it, it was finally when Kouyou was looking at him.
Even with the bags under his puffy eyes, even with this cigarette between his lips, with his messy hair, Yuu found him beautiful.
- You don't need that.
Kouyou let out a laugh at his gentle tone, looked away to drag on his cigarette and back at Yuu.
- You don't because I'm here.
The critic saw his jaw tightening.
- I don't need your lies.
- Lies?
- Lies. Don't waste your time, and don't make me waste mine either.
Yuu felt his insides boiling up. He wanted to remain calm but Kouyou was hurting him.
- Which lies? When did I lie to you?!
The painter smiled mockingly:
- I know. I just know. You sleep around and think I'm going to believe your bullshit.
All Kouyou was showing now was breaking Yuu's heart, a mix of confused emotions, sadness for the most.
- I sleep around?!
Yuu was getting agitated, the bottle still in his hand:
- How can I sleep around?! I haven't touched anyone but you for the last weeks! I didn't even masturbate if you want to know!
Kouyou kept silent, doubting, hoping he was saying the truth. And in front of his muteness, Yuu was going mad.
- I kept thinking about you! It's always you now! I lied to a lot of people but not to you Kou! Never...
The painter looked away, his eyes letting him see the world in a blur now.
- I saw you...
Yuu almost didn't hear him until Kouyou spoke again.
- I saw you with her, the other day.
It was a tear rolling down his cheek.
Yuu put down the bottle and when his arms circled Kouyou's body, the painter sobbed and the half consumed cigarette fell on the ground. Yuu kissed his neck, pulled him closer and closer and said to his ear:
- She's nothing. She's just an ex my father sent to me because he thought he would be able to convince me this way. She's nothing. She's nothing and you're everything.
Kouyou didn't want to raise his head, at this instant, all that mattered was to be in Yuu's arms, to smell his scent he missed, to feel his soothing kisses on his hair or anywhere else, to feel his love.
- To convince you?
He nodded.
- He tries to use me because he's getting old and he needs something new to be still talked about during exhibitions and on newspapers. He's good friend with the father of this girl you saw. He's the agent of my father, he used to be a painter...I'm sure the idea comes from him.
- She's your ex?
Yuu smiled because Kouyou had completely ignored his little rant about his father.
- Yes. It was a long time ago, I was still a student. I was trying to be a good son, going out with her because my father suggested it. I finally broke up with her and went abroad to study art. It was when my father disowned me.
Kouyou sniffled in his embrace, realizing how stupid he had been for believing things without talking about them directly with Yuu.
- I really wonder what makes you stay. Why would you want someone like me? As fucked up and ruined? Why would you bother, why would you try, why? What makes me so special for you to hold me right now?
And as he was questioning the critic, the painter couldn't stop the tears. The more Yuu tried to calm him down, the more Kouyou was sobbing, hiccups preventing him to breathe properly. His thoughts were his enemies, all of them were making him feel even more miserable. He was thinking that at the moment he wasn't showing a good side of himself to Yuu, he was crying like a baby, he was allowing his dark mind to take control over the situation, consuming the positiveness and the hope he had tried to keep sheltered somewhere inside.
It wouldn't feel right at this instant, to be Yuu's everything. That was what Kouyou's twisted head was yelling.
- I want to put the pieces back together...
Yuu was whispering into his ear, his eyes for the orange sky.
- You repair me. I think we resemble each other, we both had our trust for someone stained that it left us lonely and broken. Of course, I'm not comparing Kou but...That I could never count on my father made an ugly man of me. I did rely a lot on coldness, on crushing people's feelings...It was something I couldn't do to you.
He managed to frame Kouyou's face and kissed him softly.
- I tried, it's true...And it was a fiasco.
He laughed but the painter remained still.
- I couldn't be evil to you. There was something within me I obeyed. I know now it was my heart.
Stabbed right in the middle of his chest, he wondered if he would be able to still breathe. He did and the next seconds he was kissing him, his face wet, his lips salty and his heart beating at fast speed.
And surely now he could block all negativity and focus on the sweet taste of happiness, on Yuu's lips against his and on the sunset in the horizon.
When Kouyou woke up the morning after, it was because his maid's voice could be heard in the entrance and that she seemed upset. It was when he realized an unusual warmth coming from beside him, and until when he could recognize his smell, his lovely smell and the fact he was still utterly beautiful when asleep.
Yuu was there.
And suddenly it struck him that the door of his bedroom wasn't closed and that the maid's steps were coming right in their direction and that she would...
Shit...
Jaws dropped, eyes open wide, she stammered then apologized loudly, turned around and slammed the door shut quickly to find refuge in the kitchen of the appartment and Kouyou sighed, half sat until he felt a warm pair of lips on his shoulder.
- What's happening? Who's in there?
The painter pouted and looked back at the charming brunette behind him.
- This is Mrs Matsubara. My maid.
Yuu nodded slowly.
- Does she know about...?
Kouyou seemed lost in thoughts for few seconds and replied:
- Well, she might have doubts. I mean, I've never been that clear. I did talk to her about my past but I didn't feel like telling everything...I mean, it's a lot at once. Ah I'm sorry...
The critic stroked Kouyou's back gently and agreed.
- It's okay. It livens up the morning.
Yuu laughed to finally show a serious face:
- You have some explanations to give now though.
The painter sighed loudly.
- I know...I'm just...Afraid she might not appreciate me anymore. I need her around me.
His lips on his back, Yuu whispered gently:
- Don't assume you know what's happening in her head. Instead you should leave that bed even if I know that it's a shame to do so when Yuu Shiroyama is in there...
The way Kouyou laughed warmed up the critic's heart.
- So conceited.
- I'm pointing out the obvious.
Yuu grinned and leaned in to kiss his lover's neck:
- Can I use the bathroom while you sort things out with your maid? I won't have time to go back home since I'm already late to work.
Kouyou nodded, a bright smile on his face and watched Yuu on his way to the bathroom, only wearing his underwear and his gaze wandered to finally focus on his rounded butt.
The painter pursed his lips and looked away when Yuu's gaze fell on him before he closed the door behind him.
There were desires he had to keep bottled inside, at least, until he would feel alright. They had gone to bed holding each other and sharing nothing else than kisses and gentle strokes under the blanket. And Kouyou had blessed him for not trying to go further, for being so patient and understanding.
There wasn't any obstacle anymore. They were back together, they were some way or another happy. But deep down Kouyou knew that he would never totally overcome his past. Because otherwise, he'd have done that already for years instead of avoiding life and social exchanges, love and relationships.
He walked out of his room, chasing his negative ideas to walk to his kitchen where he found his maid, preparing breakfast. And before he could say a word, she said:
- I'd have appreciated to find the entrance door locked. The one of your bedroom too.
- Well something unexpected happened...
- I saw by myself.
The painter almost believed he was still a teenager in front of his mother.
- What if a thief would have make it to here? You were giving away all of your valuables!
Kouyou stayed quiet and the maid put the toasts on a plate before looking at him.
- Do you know how much I'd have been devastated if something had happened to you tonight, just because you forgot to lock your door?
The painter thought he was going to cry.
- I'm sorry.
- I've never seen you with anyone before.
Finally, she tackled the subject herself.
- I know. I...I don't try to, I mean, I wouldn't try to have anyone in my life before. But it's different now. Hum, did you know about...?
She smiled sadly.
- I had doubts.
When Kouyou was about to speak again, she didn't give him a chance, too conscious about what would leave his mouth:
- I have nothing against this part of you. Besides, it's time now you have more privacy. You really should take the habit to lock the doors because I don't want to walk in to find you both stark naked and well...Playing a game of chess or something.
She coughed and grabbed an orange she cut to make some fresh juice. Kouyou smiled, embarassed, almost believing it was his mother lecturing him.
- I will, I promise.
Kouyou was about to turn around when she called his name.
- I'm really happy for you.
The warmth radiating from her face was probably something Kouyou would always remember. They both had been so captivated by each other's face that none of them noticed Yuu's silhouette watching them until he coughed on purpose to show his presence. He walked closer to the maid in the kitchen and bowed politely:
- I'm Yuu Shiroyama...I apologize for the inconveniences I provoked by coming here but...I missed him and I couldn't wait to find him back.
She stared in awe and shock at him.
- Can I invite you for a dinner to compensate the trouble caused?
- Oh no no no! I was only surprised, you don't have to do anything, really...
Kouyou almost choked at how easily Yuu could manipulate the world around him with his charm. Even his maid. But that was until he discovered one of her hidden facet.
- If you break his heart...
- I really don't plan to.
The painter laughed at how rapidly Yuu had interrupted the maid who was now smiling to herself. He then grabbed Yuu's hand and went in the room where he painted. From the sad gazes to his paintings, Yuu hated to see his lover fragile again.
- I didn't know you have a bodyguard.
- Who?
- Your maid.
Kouyou grinned and kissed Yuu's full lips.
- You want to paint?
- Not yet.
- Since when didn't you?
Yuu's warm hands on his hips, Kouyou finally looked into his eyes.
- I've been trying since...It happened again but I can't. I can't and it drives me crazy.
Yuu's lips hushed him, his whispers afterward sent shivers down his spine.
- Don't put yourself under pressure...
Kouyou shook his head:
- It's not the case, I'm just afraid to lose it all...
He showed his paintings in the room.
- I was painting because of my state, because of this past, because of my struggles against it. And now that everything becomes clearer and better, I'm afraid I'm going to lose it, the inspiration, the emotions I need to release...
Yuu stroked his cheek.
- Do I have to walk away so you can still be an amazing painter?
He laughed and put his hand against Kouyou's mouth who was about to retort something:
- Inspiration comes and goes but talent is permanent Kou. It's here.
He showed his heart.
- You can shape it because it's yours. It's not a wild animal, it has always been yours, it lives within you. It doesn't matter if you feel sad or happy, it will always resonate in every piece you will paint.
The painter couldn't think of any better reply than a kiss, still dazed that Yuu was now his, that he was important enough to him. He wanted to see the future, to see if Yuu would still be here, if his heart would still beat for him, if his every days would be filled by his sweetness and his tenderness.
Kouyou wanted to know if love would be his savior.
------------------------------
Okay I still have no clue about the number of chapters, I might add some things in between because it's good to make things last sometimes right? The game of chess thing came from a very weird dream I once had RFOL.
Chapters: 19/20(?)
Genre: Romance. Angst. AU. Fluff. Smut. Humor.
Warnings: Angst.
Ratings: PG-13
Pairings: AoixUruha (main), ReitaxRuki (side)
Disclaimer: I only own my imagination ♪
Synopsis: A painter which convictions and hopes are destroyed by a single man. A single man who would change his life.
Comments: At laaaast! This one's for irmavep777, happy birthday babe ♥
Yuu massaged his temples, elbows resting on the wooden surface of the desk of his office and a sigh could be heard in the emptiness of it.
He stared at the clock and wondered how much time was left before he could go back home and try to sleep, because last night had been rythmed by coffee cups, cigarettes, low music and headaches.
Because Kouyou was his only obsession. And the calls he didn't pick up, the messages not answered, the things he couldn't say...It was added to a list Yuu liked to call "the things fucked up that I deeply regret".
His first failed attempt to graduate highschool. The first time he had sex. The first time he had sex with a boy. His first cigarette. The first piece he painted.
And there was Kouyou.
I fucked up. I fucking fucked up with him.
Did I take the right decision by leaving Kanagawa?
- Oh God...
He shut his eyes tight, swallowed nothingness and hit his head with his fist.
A knock.
- Come in.
They had an appointment? No because Yuu had told him that he could come anytime, he would always be welcomed. Takanori smiled brightly but frowned when he didn't get the same warmth from the dark haired.
- What's wrong? Did something happen with Kou?
Nervous laugh.
- That's the matter. Nothing happened.
Takanori tilted his head on one side.
- What is it then? Yuu...Don't tell me you...Got tired of him? Yuu please...
The critic let his fingers drum, irritated.
- Why do you doubt me? Why can't you see how bad I feel without him around? This fucking stupid weirdo stole my sanity, I'm sleepless and it's like I'm a woman on her periods! Is it that disease people call love? Because I want to be cured already!
Takanori let out a sigh.
- I thought...You had found each other back already.
Yuu snorted.
- Can't you see? We're not leaving the bed!
- Instead of being abusively sarcastic to me for no reason, go to his place and make things up with him.
The dark haired stayed silent.
- Yes, he's in Tokyo for now almost a week, he wanted to see you and I don't even know if he tried to but well, last time we talked he was desperate about you. So now move your ass of this fucking chair and just go.
Takanori hadn't time to say anything else because Yuu was storming out of his office with his car keys and nothing more than that. The writer smiled and thought that their appointment had been useless for his own case but not for their friend's.
As soon as he left the office, Yuu's secretary appeared and handed him a paper, nodding on the phone and Takanori thought for himself that she was stupid to nod like this to her interlocutor. He took the paper while she was finishing the conversation and he frowned when he read an address there.
- Mr Shiroyama had you an appointment. He was going to tell you today but, it seems he has some important things to do at the moment.
Yeah, like winning Kouyou's heart back. Takanori smiled to himself.
- So you just have to go there tomorrow at 9. Is that possible Mr Matsumoto?
The writer nodded, touched that even lost in his troubles, Yuu had thought about him and he was hoping that the man would know how to make things up with Kouyou. They both deserved a rest in each other's arms.
After he realized he had never been to Kouyou's apartment, Yuu tried to find a Takashima over the different mail boxes in the hall of the building, read the number and rushed in the elevator, impatient. He almost abandoned when the doors finally closed on him and he cursed out loud for not having taken the stairs. Elevators were good enough when you were lazy, but not when impatient.
When the doors opened, Yuu for the second time this day wondered which door was Kouyou's and he thought he was going to die there if he had to knock at each of them until his lover's face would appear.
He was going to surrender to this plan when a small silhouette appeared, noise of keys locking a door behind him and he found himself staring at an old man who was smiling, wrinkles following the warmth his face was showing.
It unsettled Yuu a little and he finally managed to let his lips show a weak smile to the man. This one bowed his head slightly and walked to the elevator until Yuu called him out.
- Excuse me sir...
The man stopped in mid motion and gazed at Yuu, curious.
- Do you know where Takashima Kouyou lives? I mean, I don't know which door it is and I don't want to bother anyone here.
The old man nodded:
- The painter right? He lives right here.
The old man showed the first door at the left of the elevator but as Yuu was already walking toward it, he said:
- But you won't find him there.
Yuu frowned, unable to hide the worry in his voice:
- What do you mean? Is he gone somewhere?
The other smiled and with a finger, pointed above them, something Yuu assumed to be the sky.
He went pale and held onto the nearest wall, looking at the man whose expression had gone from soft to concern.
- Are you feeling alright mister?
Yuu swallowed with difficulty the small amount of saliva in his mouth and simply retorted:
- Since when?
The old man seemed thoughtful:
- He went there when I took my dog for a walk...Hm...Two hours ago. I think he's painting because he had a bag full of brushes and tubes.
Yuu took a deep breath, relief invading his whole mind and body, understanding now where Kouyou was.
- He seems a bit down recently. His smile wasn't as bright as it used to be.
Yuu thanked the old man and got into the elevator again, he was about to press onto the button of the roof top when he realized the old man was surely going to take it too and apologized. The other laughed.
- Alright young man, let's go up first because I can see you won't make it otherwise.
Yuu scratched his head, embarrassed and smiled.
- Thank you, really.
- Let's hope you can give back his smiles to that painter.
He didn't know if the old man could even imagine what kind of relation he had with Kouyou. He didn't want to think about it. Maybe this man had grasped enough, or not at all, and it just seemed like a strong friendship to him.
Maybe...But his words were having an impact, like duty was calling and Yuu had to save Kouyou definitely.
Those words coming from a perfect stranger, it was encouraging, comforting even. Like a parent for their child. Like a father for their son. Something Yuu never properly had.
And when the elevator suddenly stopped, Yuu turned to look at the old man with a smile:
- I will.
Two steps and he heard the machine going down, two steps and he saw Kouyou standing, his blond hair streaming with the weak wind.
Yuu's heart fluttered.
He came closer to him and noticed he was holding a bottle. Kouyou didn't move, still unaware of the presence behind him.
Yuu's heart broke.
Closer now, and still quiet, the critic let his hand slowly and softly meet the cold glass of the bottle and when he pulled on it, stole it, it was finally when Kouyou was looking at him.
Even with the bags under his puffy eyes, even with this cigarette between his lips, with his messy hair, Yuu found him beautiful.
- You don't need that.
Kouyou let out a laugh at his gentle tone, looked away to drag on his cigarette and back at Yuu.
- You don't because I'm here.
The critic saw his jaw tightening.
- I don't need your lies.
- Lies?
- Lies. Don't waste your time, and don't make me waste mine either.
Yuu felt his insides boiling up. He wanted to remain calm but Kouyou was hurting him.
- Which lies? When did I lie to you?!
The painter smiled mockingly:
- I know. I just know. You sleep around and think I'm going to believe your bullshit.
All Kouyou was showing now was breaking Yuu's heart, a mix of confused emotions, sadness for the most.
- I sleep around?!
Yuu was getting agitated, the bottle still in his hand:
- How can I sleep around?! I haven't touched anyone but you for the last weeks! I didn't even masturbate if you want to know!
Kouyou kept silent, doubting, hoping he was saying the truth. And in front of his muteness, Yuu was going mad.
- I kept thinking about you! It's always you now! I lied to a lot of people but not to you Kou! Never...
The painter looked away, his eyes letting him see the world in a blur now.
- I saw you...
Yuu almost didn't hear him until Kouyou spoke again.
- I saw you with her, the other day.
It was a tear rolling down his cheek.
Yuu put down the bottle and when his arms circled Kouyou's body, the painter sobbed and the half consumed cigarette fell on the ground. Yuu kissed his neck, pulled him closer and closer and said to his ear:
- She's nothing. She's just an ex my father sent to me because he thought he would be able to convince me this way. She's nothing. She's nothing and you're everything.
Kouyou didn't want to raise his head, at this instant, all that mattered was to be in Yuu's arms, to smell his scent he missed, to feel his soothing kisses on his hair or anywhere else, to feel his love.
- To convince you?
He nodded.
- He tries to use me because he's getting old and he needs something new to be still talked about during exhibitions and on newspapers. He's good friend with the father of this girl you saw. He's the agent of my father, he used to be a painter...I'm sure the idea comes from him.
- She's your ex?
Yuu smiled because Kouyou had completely ignored his little rant about his father.
- Yes. It was a long time ago, I was still a student. I was trying to be a good son, going out with her because my father suggested it. I finally broke up with her and went abroad to study art. It was when my father disowned me.
Kouyou sniffled in his embrace, realizing how stupid he had been for believing things without talking about them directly with Yuu.
- I really wonder what makes you stay. Why would you want someone like me? As fucked up and ruined? Why would you bother, why would you try, why? What makes me so special for you to hold me right now?
And as he was questioning the critic, the painter couldn't stop the tears. The more Yuu tried to calm him down, the more Kouyou was sobbing, hiccups preventing him to breathe properly. His thoughts were his enemies, all of them were making him feel even more miserable. He was thinking that at the moment he wasn't showing a good side of himself to Yuu, he was crying like a baby, he was allowing his dark mind to take control over the situation, consuming the positiveness and the hope he had tried to keep sheltered somewhere inside.
It wouldn't feel right at this instant, to be Yuu's everything. That was what Kouyou's twisted head was yelling.
- I want to put the pieces back together...
Yuu was whispering into his ear, his eyes for the orange sky.
- You repair me. I think we resemble each other, we both had our trust for someone stained that it left us lonely and broken. Of course, I'm not comparing Kou but...That I could never count on my father made an ugly man of me. I did rely a lot on coldness, on crushing people's feelings...It was something I couldn't do to you.
He managed to frame Kouyou's face and kissed him softly.
- I tried, it's true...And it was a fiasco.
He laughed but the painter remained still.
- I couldn't be evil to you. There was something within me I obeyed. I know now it was my heart.
Stabbed right in the middle of his chest, he wondered if he would be able to still breathe. He did and the next seconds he was kissing him, his face wet, his lips salty and his heart beating at fast speed.
And surely now he could block all negativity and focus on the sweet taste of happiness, on Yuu's lips against his and on the sunset in the horizon.
When Kouyou woke up the morning after, it was because his maid's voice could be heard in the entrance and that she seemed upset. It was when he realized an unusual warmth coming from beside him, and until when he could recognize his smell, his lovely smell and the fact he was still utterly beautiful when asleep.
Yuu was there.
And suddenly it struck him that the door of his bedroom wasn't closed and that the maid's steps were coming right in their direction and that she would...
Shit...
Jaws dropped, eyes open wide, she stammered then apologized loudly, turned around and slammed the door shut quickly to find refuge in the kitchen of the appartment and Kouyou sighed, half sat until he felt a warm pair of lips on his shoulder.
- What's happening? Who's in there?
The painter pouted and looked back at the charming brunette behind him.
- This is Mrs Matsubara. My maid.
Yuu nodded slowly.
- Does she know about...?
Kouyou seemed lost in thoughts for few seconds and replied:
- Well, she might have doubts. I mean, I've never been that clear. I did talk to her about my past but I didn't feel like telling everything...I mean, it's a lot at once. Ah I'm sorry...
The critic stroked Kouyou's back gently and agreed.
- It's okay. It livens up the morning.
Yuu laughed to finally show a serious face:
- You have some explanations to give now though.
The painter sighed loudly.
- I know...I'm just...Afraid she might not appreciate me anymore. I need her around me.
His lips on his back, Yuu whispered gently:
- Don't assume you know what's happening in her head. Instead you should leave that bed even if I know that it's a shame to do so when Yuu Shiroyama is in there...
The way Kouyou laughed warmed up the critic's heart.
- So conceited.
- I'm pointing out the obvious.
Yuu grinned and leaned in to kiss his lover's neck:
- Can I use the bathroom while you sort things out with your maid? I won't have time to go back home since I'm already late to work.
Kouyou nodded, a bright smile on his face and watched Yuu on his way to the bathroom, only wearing his underwear and his gaze wandered to finally focus on his rounded butt.
The painter pursed his lips and looked away when Yuu's gaze fell on him before he closed the door behind him.
There were desires he had to keep bottled inside, at least, until he would feel alright. They had gone to bed holding each other and sharing nothing else than kisses and gentle strokes under the blanket. And Kouyou had blessed him for not trying to go further, for being so patient and understanding.
There wasn't any obstacle anymore. They were back together, they were some way or another happy. But deep down Kouyou knew that he would never totally overcome his past. Because otherwise, he'd have done that already for years instead of avoiding life and social exchanges, love and relationships.
He walked out of his room, chasing his negative ideas to walk to his kitchen where he found his maid, preparing breakfast. And before he could say a word, she said:
- I'd have appreciated to find the entrance door locked. The one of your bedroom too.
- Well something unexpected happened...
- I saw by myself.
The painter almost believed he was still a teenager in front of his mother.
- What if a thief would have make it to here? You were giving away all of your valuables!
Kouyou stayed quiet and the maid put the toasts on a plate before looking at him.
- Do you know how much I'd have been devastated if something had happened to you tonight, just because you forgot to lock your door?
The painter thought he was going to cry.
- I'm sorry.
- I've never seen you with anyone before.
Finally, she tackled the subject herself.
- I know. I...I don't try to, I mean, I wouldn't try to have anyone in my life before. But it's different now. Hum, did you know about...?
She smiled sadly.
- I had doubts.
When Kouyou was about to speak again, she didn't give him a chance, too conscious about what would leave his mouth:
- I have nothing against this part of you. Besides, it's time now you have more privacy. You really should take the habit to lock the doors because I don't want to walk in to find you both stark naked and well...Playing a game of chess or something.
She coughed and grabbed an orange she cut to make some fresh juice. Kouyou smiled, embarassed, almost believing it was his mother lecturing him.
- I will, I promise.
Kouyou was about to turn around when she called his name.
- I'm really happy for you.
The warmth radiating from her face was probably something Kouyou would always remember. They both had been so captivated by each other's face that none of them noticed Yuu's silhouette watching them until he coughed on purpose to show his presence. He walked closer to the maid in the kitchen and bowed politely:
- I'm Yuu Shiroyama...I apologize for the inconveniences I provoked by coming here but...I missed him and I couldn't wait to find him back.
She stared in awe and shock at him.
- Can I invite you for a dinner to compensate the trouble caused?
- Oh no no no! I was only surprised, you don't have to do anything, really...
Kouyou almost choked at how easily Yuu could manipulate the world around him with his charm. Even his maid. But that was until he discovered one of her hidden facet.
- If you break his heart...
- I really don't plan to.
The painter laughed at how rapidly Yuu had interrupted the maid who was now smiling to herself. He then grabbed Yuu's hand and went in the room where he painted. From the sad gazes to his paintings, Yuu hated to see his lover fragile again.
- I didn't know you have a bodyguard.
- Who?
- Your maid.
Kouyou grinned and kissed Yuu's full lips.
- You want to paint?
- Not yet.
- Since when didn't you?
Yuu's warm hands on his hips, Kouyou finally looked into his eyes.
- I've been trying since...It happened again but I can't. I can't and it drives me crazy.
Yuu's lips hushed him, his whispers afterward sent shivers down his spine.
- Don't put yourself under pressure...
Kouyou shook his head:
- It's not the case, I'm just afraid to lose it all...
He showed his paintings in the room.
- I was painting because of my state, because of this past, because of my struggles against it. And now that everything becomes clearer and better, I'm afraid I'm going to lose it, the inspiration, the emotions I need to release...
Yuu stroked his cheek.
- Do I have to walk away so you can still be an amazing painter?
He laughed and put his hand against Kouyou's mouth who was about to retort something:
- Inspiration comes and goes but talent is permanent Kou. It's here.
He showed his heart.
- You can shape it because it's yours. It's not a wild animal, it has always been yours, it lives within you. It doesn't matter if you feel sad or happy, it will always resonate in every piece you will paint.
The painter couldn't think of any better reply than a kiss, still dazed that Yuu was now his, that he was important enough to him. He wanted to see the future, to see if Yuu would still be here, if his heart would still beat for him, if his every days would be filled by his sweetness and his tenderness.
Kouyou wanted to know if love would be his savior.
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Okay I still have no clue about the number of chapters, I might add some things in between because it's good to make things last sometimes right? The game of chess thing came from a very weird dream I once had RFOL.