Putting holes in happiness [CHAPTER 11]
Title: Putting holes in happiness
Chapter: 11/?
Genre: AU, Romance, Angst, friendship, smut.
Warnings: Angst.
Ratings: PG-13 to NC-17
Pairings: AoixKazuki. AoixUruha. Aoix?. Uruhax?. KazukixByou. KaixOC. Rukix?...Etc.
Disclaimer: I only own my imagination ♪
Synopsis: Some people have this tendency to destroy the best they have...When love is caught up in the sick web of lies and self destruction, what is left is not necessarily repaired.
"To destroy is always the first step in any creation."
E.E Cummings
Kouyou checked his reflection in the huge mirror of his bedroom, arranging his blond hair a last time. Tonight he would meet a legend of music and there was no way he shouldn't be well dressed. He had gone for leather pants, a studded belt and a white simple shirt. Over it, he would wear a nice black jacket and was telling himself that apart from make-up, he could totally be mistaken for a rock star tonight.
At the right hour, he was rushing to the door, welcoming Yuu.
The dark haired had picked a loose see through black sweat with a pair of black jeans and boots, fitting Uruha's rockish style. They both laughed at each other, admiring themselves from head to toes.
- Are we playing at Budokan tonight?
Kouyou chuckled:
- You wish!
Yuu smiled, his gaze lingering on the leather pants:
- That...
Kouyou felt his whole body getting hot, troubled by the lust dancing in Yuu's dark eyes:
- What? Should...Should I change pants? It's a bit too much right?
Yuu shook his head:
- It's perfect.
He continued staring and added:
- No really, it's perfect. Let's go?
They arrived at the place of the showcase few minutes later, enjoying the best seats of the venue. Yuu was rather excited and was looking everywhere around him like a child. Which made Kouyou melt at his cuteness. The last days had been hard for the blond but he wanted to appreciate the time he was spending around Yuu. It was rare and a blessing to be able to be with him for few hours and to have him for himself only.
Kouyou wanted to be a little selfish because everytime he was finally taking a full grip on Yuu, the man was slipping through his hands and he couldn't take him back and keep him around.
The last days had been filled with frustration and crushed waves of hope. Kouyou would remember Yuu's words in the club, that chances had to be taken but what to do of his boyfriend? Of his cheating boyfriend? Did Yuu mean that Kouyou had to use any occasion given to steal away Kazuki's place?
But if Yuu really wanted to give the blond a chance, he'd be single already and Kouyou wouldn't have to wonder anymore.
- You look quite down for someone who will interview Yoshiki and Toshi after the show!
Kouyou smiled, embarassed:
- I'm just a little thoughtful. I'm actually really happy to meet them after the show. It's a blessing.
Yuu leaned toward Kouyou and whispered gently:
- You're the blessing.
The lights went out at the right time for the blond. A little more and he was leaning forward and kissing Yuu's tempting lips.
The live had been stunningly beautiful and breathtaking, the intimate show case was mostly acoustic and Kouyou didn't swallow up his tears when Silent Jealousy started playing. He knew that Yuu saw his wet cheeks but the beauty of the moment and the sadness of the lyrics got to his heart and nothing could have prevented him to be deeply shaken by the whole atmosphere.
He also remembered clearly that Yuu's hand caught his when he was trying not to cry too much and that single gesture made him cry even more. He didn't care that Yuu could even think it was the meaning of the song, or just his feelings for him that were suffocating...For once he didn't care about showing his true self, how weak and needy for love he could be.
So he looked at his hand entwined in his and wished that one day he could hold him like that without worrying about the rest, that Yuu would be his, that they would know happiness and that nothing would tear them apart ever again.
Those foolish thoughts depressed Kouyou even more and he wondered if inviting Yuu tonight had been a good idea. He absolutely hated to appear so pathetic to him. Yuu's pity was the only thing he didn't want.
He didn't really want to speak when the show ended. And he didn't, which worried Yuu at one point but then, he felt that Kouyou didn't want to talk at all. He would make his way through the bodies here and there and Yuu thought that Kouyou was closing himself up in his own world to protect himself. Perhaps the tears had ashamed him. Or something more complicated and Yuu knew that he shouldn't know exactly because it seemed like he would regret it. The silent Kouyou was a sign saying that he had to respect his attitude until he'd be willing to speak again. So Yuu only followed him, like a shadow until they had to show badges to security guards at the venue. Then, Kouyou turned around, his eyes still a bit puffy and said:
- You ready?
Yuu nodded, shyly and Yoshiki's manager opened the door for them to enter.
Yuu had been so tensed the entire interview that even looking at Toshi and Yoshiki in the eye was freezing him on the spot. He had been introduced as a friend and only that made him squeal like a little girl inside. Yuu had important friends meeting rock stars regularly. That was quite something.
At one point he almost thought he was dreaming because he was called out to take a picture with the singer and the drummer, and Kouyou was taking the picture, smiling widely and warmly, so different from the withdrawn and sad Kouyou from before.
They were finished and Yuu also took a picture of Kouyou with the rock stars, then a staff member agreed to take one with both Yuu and Kouyou along with the two X Japan members.
Before they were sent off, Yuu heard Yoshiki giving him out an autograph and they shook hands warmly:
- You're lucky to have such a boyfriend.
Yuu frowned, smiled and laughed, not really taking seriously the words heard. He thanked him one more time and followed Kouyou out who bowed one last time before exiting the room.
They looked at each other, happy like kids who just got an ice cream and walked out of the venue with a big smile splattered on their faces. They were walking to Yuu's car and Kouyou gasped as the dark haired hugged him tighter and tighter.
He laughed:
- Yuu come on I need to breathe a little!
- And I need to hug you a little!
Kouyou smiled and leaned in, gently.
- It's ok. It made me happy to share this moment with you.
- It made me happy too you can't even imagine.
Yuu pulled out:
- I don't know what to do to compensate for the good things you do for me.
Kouyou seemed thoughtful. Yuu wouldn't give him that anyway. So he said:
- Your friendship, your honesty, your presence when I need it. That's all I ask for Yuu.
- I feel like it's not fair enough.
Kouyou leaned against the car:
- I don't give to get something back in return. And friendship shouldn't be like that.
Yuu shrugged his shoulders:
- But to me, you deserve more than that.
Kouyou laughed:
- More?
Yuu's face changed. The sweet emotions on his face changed to something darker, something Kouyou feared and didn't want to see because it was dangerous to flirt with that side of his. Too dangerous.
- Yuu...No.
The dark haired was trapping Kouyou against the car with each steps. When their bodies touched, Kouyou's heart was going crazy and his legs were almost giving up on him. The blond didn't even have to connect his body with his, his whole being was under Yuu's influence.
- No...
Yuu's hot breath was ghosting over his lips and he whispered:
- What you do to me...
Kouyou put his hands on his chest, vainly trying to push him away, electrified by the attraction between them:
- We talked about it. We're friends Yuu. Remember?
The dark haired pushed Kouyou's hips harder against the car. To make him feel it. Desire.
- I don't get hards-on for friends Kouyou.
The blond bit the inside of his cheek, nervously and replied:
- You have a boyfriend Yuu.
- Cheated on me. You know what Yoshiki told me in the backstage room?
Kouyou looked around the parking lot, nobody here but them. He stared back at Yuu's seductive orbs:
- What did he say?
- That I'm lucky to have a boyfriend like you. See? Even rock stars feel it, that bond, between you and me. Even them.
Kouyou tried to push Yuu away but he rubbed his crotch with his even more and Kouyou didn't want to let him know that he was already turned on to the point his dick was suffocating in his pants. But his body was betraying him.
- There's no bond Yuu but friendship's one.
The dark haired chuckled:
- I don't have hot dreams with Yutaka or Takanori. Only with you. Stop with the friendship already. We both know that we're over that point and we only pretend to be friends not to desperatly fuck each other.
Kouyou this time pushed Yuu with more strength, violently, openly showing his anger:
- Exactly! So why are you fucking rubbing it in?!
Yuu crossed his arms, curious about finally seeing Kouyou's deep thoughts:
- Why do you provoke me? Why do you want me to have the fucking bad role in this story?!
And Kouyou began crying.
And Yuu realised that he had been stupid, once again. That he only let out his desires, like an animal. So he came closer and was pushed away even more, but he still came back anyway and at one point, Kouyou didn't fight anymore and sobbed against his shoulder, calling him all the names under the sun.
- I hate you. Fucking asshole.
Yuu smiled, stroking his hair:
- I've heard this line so many times in the past. Try something a little more original.
Kouyou closed his eyes, tired to fight it out.
- It's unfair.
Yuu had a sad smile now:
- What do you want me to do?
Kouyou simply replied:
- You should ask yourself, not me.
Yuu stayed quiet, and Kouyou spoke again:
- It just means you're far from being ready. When the time comes, you will know what to do. For now, drive me back home and stay away for a couple of days.
Yuu looked into Kouyou's eyes, troubled:
- What?
Kouyou didn't blink:
- You heard me well Shiroyama. Today was good until you tried to make of me your little toy. Now drive me back home.
Kouyou showed his back and opened the door of the car and Yuu realised that tonight, he wasted it all.
Kouyou was still sat beside him, quietly and Yuu had been waiting almost five minutes for the blond to talk. His engine was still making noise so in the end, he stopped it and sighed. As Kouyou said nothing, even in this deep silence around them, Yuu shyly grabbed his hand and drew it to his lips to kiss the back of it.
The blond fleetingly closed his eyes.
Resist.
- I'm not going to apologize.
Kouyou finally locked his eyes with his.
- Don't give me that look Kou. You heard me. I've said it before, and I will say it again: I bloody want to kiss you right now and bruise your lips with each kiss and just steal your breath away. I'm fucking tired of fighting this demon and I want you to understand that earlier, I really couldn't resist.
Kouyou leaned in his seat and let out a long sigh.
- You make things difficult Yuu.
The dark haired laughed:
- You do too Kou.
The blond gave him a cold stare:
- You think I'm ok to be your mistress? Is it some old fashioned story, you and me?
He laughed and continued:
- Sorry but I'm not sure I want you to this point. I'm tired of being an option and never a first choice.
Yuu didn't look away:
- It's not about being a first choice or not! You would have been my first choice if four years ago, I had to choose between you and him!
- LEAVE HIM THEN!
Yuu looked defeated at Kouyou's scream. His eyes were riveted to his knees and his head was filled with memories of Kazuki crying and begging to be forgiven for being an useless human, for being a burden to this world. Begging Yuu not to give up on him like everybody did.
It hurt.
- I can't. Kouyou I can't. He wouldn't take it.
The blond sobbed. And it hurt to the same extent. Yuu felt like crying too because he didn't want to hurt anyone, yet, he was left suffering probably more than everyone around. Torn apart. Leaving pieces of himself everywhere. In Kazuki's heart, in Kouyou's heart. They were both calling for him and he was one, and only one, and he couldn't just make a choice.
He pulled Kouyou against his chest and hugged him closed as long as he needed it. And he realised that it was terrible.
- Want me to stay with you tonight?
Kouyou shook his head no.
- I have to think about it Kou. It's not an easy decision. Do you understand?
The blond nodded and left Yuu's warm arms. He wanted to be alone and take some distance because his heart just couldn't bear with being so close to Yuu yet so far.
- Good night.
He closed the door of the car and disappeared in the building.
Yuu watched and when he drove away, his heart was stinging.
It was midnight now. He found Kazuki sat on the couch, the ashtray full of half consumed cigarettes and knew that something was stressing Kazuki out. He wouldn't just chain smoke, let alone chain smoke half cigarettes for no reasons.
There was a bottle of red wine opened too and Yuu felt like he wouldn't particularly like the news. He didn't know if the wine was a sign of a good or a bad news because Kazuki would drink for bad and good reasons.
- Something to celebrate? But seeing the cigs, I don't feel like it's worth the celebration.
- Bingo.
The reply made him even more nervous. He sat beside his lover and quickly admired his beauty. He had been out of the shower recently because his hair was still dripping a little and he was wrapped in a comfy bathrobe, probably naked under it.
- Do I have to torture you so you explain it all? What happened?
Kazuki crushed his cigarette and drank his entire glass of red wine then looked into Yuu's curious eyes:
- Remember that contest I participated in two months ago?
Yuu indeed recalled that time when Kazuki had been working like a slave over a project he wanted to win, afraid his architecture plans wouldn't be bold enough for the project.
A lot of young architect were applying for it and they had to draw plans for the embassy of Japan's renovation in New York. The whole place would be changed and hold a historic part about tea ceremonies, geishas and even Japan's part during WWII.
Days and nights, Kazuki had worked on the project. Yuu remembered.
His lover's eyes were now tear filled and Yuu frowned:
- You've been selected?!
Kazuki couldn't hold back the tears, nodding with excitement and Yuu hugged him tight, proud of him:
- You're a little genius! I told you! You're talented! I knew it! I know it!
Kazuki smiled, drying his tears against the fabric of his bathrobe and then cleared his throat:
- But...There's a bad news.
Yuu calmed down relatively quickly and looked at him, impatient.
- I need to be here for the work schedules to be kept and all...
Yuu didn't show any emotion and asked:
- How long?
Kazuki grimaced:
- 3 months without delay...A bit more if we meet troubles.
Yuu nodded, playing with Kazuki's hand thoughtfully and finally raised his eyes to declare:
- You've been waiting for such a chance for so long...It's only fair that you reap a reward. It will be a huge boost to your career and I want you to take it nonetheless.
Kazuki looked like he would cry again.
- Will you be ok without me for so long?
Yuu laughed, kissing him:
- I return you the question!
They both laughed and kissed some more until Yuu said:
- I'm happy for you honey. You deserve it, really. Fate is finally smiling to you and you shouldn't show your back because, it might never smile to you ever again...
Kazuki held Yuu tight.
- When are you going?
The younger bit his lower lip, anxiously:
- Sunday...
Yuu frowned:
- Sunday, as in, the day after tomorrow?
Kazuki nodded and Yuu sighed, a bit taken aback by the quick leave.
- So soon...
- It has to start quickly because the due date is approaching and the more time spared, the better...We don't know what kind of problems we will meet once there. So time is precious.
Yuu smiled:
- Wow such a mature speech. I'm stunned.
Kazuki showed his tongue:
- You still take me for that kid who couldn't afford a beer right?
Yuu grinned:
- Still.
He kissed Kazuki passionately and added:
- Always.
For once in weeks, it wasn't just sweat on the sheets, but also, Love.
----------------------------
That was like the cheesy-est line ever lol. And here is a plot twist. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being so nice to me, always ♥ All of you beautiful souls ♥