The Painter [Final Chapter]
Title: The Painter
Chapters: 21/21 (+ Epilogue)
Genre: Romance. Angst. AU. Fluff. Smut.
Warnings: Angst. Smut.
Ratings: NC-17
Pairings: AoixUruha (main), ReitaxRuki (side)
Disclaimer: I only own my imagination ♪
Synopsis: A painter which convictions and hopes are destroyed by a single man. A single man who would change his life.
Comments: THE END. I can't believe it was my first Aoiha story. Well, I slightly changed the end but still can't believe it. I hope you enjoyed reading it, thanks for the support all along ♥ I'm really happy this story pleased many people around :)
Kouyou gazed at the sky with a smile.
"I love you too. I love you."
Everytime this memory was crossing his mind, he couldn't prevent his lips from stretching, the warmth within his chest...
He couldn't.
Yuu loved him.
I needed to hear it too I guess. We both needed to know what we feel for each other to keep us strong and undefeated.
The bus was going to be a little late, it didn't matter. He was returning home after an appointment with his therapist and they had come to a point: Kouyou was getting better. Better in the sense his trauma wasn't affecting him as much as in the past and he knew that the next step ahead would lead him to what he was afraid the most.
Consolidating their love under a physical act.
He had to plan it. He had to control when and where this would happen. He had to feel perfectly ready for it.
Entirely. And willing to let him have that. His body, his soul, his heart. Everything.
He smiled at this woman with blond hair. She was thin, almost as tall as him, in her fifties certainly.
She smiled back and stood beside him.
- You're beautiful.
Kouyou couldn't give a proper reaction at first, surprised.
- Oh thank you.
- I'm amazed by how all of you young people are bright, shining even.
Kouyou felt some unknown nostalgia envading him, for a world he hadn't known back then, an older world that had seen him grow up.
She was a part of it.
Before...Now...After...
He thought she wouldn't talk anymore, that she simply needed to say those words to stay quiet and fade away in the city.
But she didn't. And Kouyou suddenly felt a familiar feeling sinking deep within his heart.
Pain.
- I've been raped in my youth. I guess that's why I couldn't come out like you all do nowadays.
The bus arrived and the woman sat next to Kouyou.
- I think I lost myself in between what happened and now. I did, a lot. I'm trying to reach for a better tomorrow but it never came. It's all my dad's fault.
Kouyou couldn't look away, captivated by her shining orbs and her red lips, thin wrinkles growing around like branches...
- He made of my life a Hell. He raped me. Because of him I lost my life, I lost my mother because he drove her to insanity, I lost everything. I can never forgive him.
Kouyou had forgotten about the people in the bus, about Yuu's love.
His world was reduced to her story, an invisible bond building between them.
- And nothing could make me feel alright again. Antidepressants are useless. My therapist is the worst I've ever had and at 54 I still try to find peace within myself. And I don't know how to do that...
It was as if she had been waiting to tell someone else, someone not familiar to her little broken world, allowing Kouyou, the chosen among all...
And he couldn't deny her the attention she needed from him. Even if they didn't know each other at all.
He was taking this priviledge because he wouldn't give it to anyone. He couldn't, like her, go to some stranger and tell about his whole story.
He knew how much courage you needed to only tell the closest ones around you.
So he listened.
Carefully.
- What do you think of me, now you've heard most of my story?
He didn't know he would have to talk and Kouyou found himself scared by his thoughts.
What if I hurt her...?
- Hm...How to say it...
- Go ahead.
- You can stand back, you talk about this experience with detachment, bluntness even. Yet you can't free yourself from it. It's a strange paradoxe.
She smiled and Kouyou found her beautiful.
- A paradoxe is strange because it's a paradoxe. A contradiction. Yes, I'm a contradiction. I talk about this rape with detachment because after all these years, I learnt how to open my eyes, yes it happened. It happened, it destroyed me. Now I'm searching for the pieces to put them back together again because no one could help me.
At the eyebrow raised, she continued:
- Men disgust me. I can't trust them.
Kouyou was near standing up from his seat but suddenly she grabbed his hand:
- I couldn't cure myself with them, I guess that's why an attraction for women grew inside me through the years.
He nodded.
Did she guess that I'm...
- You know, sometimes I wonder if it's written in the world's story, those horrible things that happen to some people like me. Is it engraved in the memory of the world? Why does it happen?
- You mean it's genetic?
She shook her head:
- No no...It has always existed. A billion people experienced what rape is, whether they knew what it was or not. I wonder how people before me coped with it...
She became quiet and looked through the glass of the bus and Kouyou thought about her words.
That's right. How did they do, before? Did they try to die? Did they live, lost? Did they find peace by loving and being loved back? I wonder too...
She stroked the back of his hand with her thumb, smiled to him once more.
- You're beautiful. I know you're going to succeed in your life. I can tell. You're amazing.
She stood up as the bus was stopping.
- Take care of yourself please!
Kouyou was afraid she'd ignore his plea but she turned around before leaving the bus with a smile.
The doors now closed she was now just a silhouette walking.
She can tell...
Kouyou swallowed his tears.
Yuu opened the door with a warm smile and it faded away when his boyfriend didn't return the greeting. Kouyou was standing there, entirely wet, his eyes swollen and his gaze dull.
Something was obviously wrong and the critic instantly surrounded him with his arms where the painter cried, quietly.
- Did something happen?
- Nothing.
His crying voice broke his heart. Yuu was helpless, torturing himself on the reason that could have caused such a reaction from Kouyou. Was it the rape? Did he see something that triggered him?
It was only when his lover was wrapped in a warm blanket on the couch, completely dry that he finally spoke without any weakness in his voice:
- I'd like you to go with me somewhere this week-end. If you can have it off of course...
Yuu's brows creased and he thought for a little while.
- I'll do my best so it's possible. Where do you want to go?
Yuu thought Kouyou needed to go back in this little house in the wood, where his life had become a living Hell.
- A place I adore. A place where I feel safe. I need to show you...
Yuu nodded and Kouyou closed his eyes when his head rested against his shoulder.
She can tell...
Daisies, poppies, dandelions, a see of flowers lost in a green area beside a huge house. Its walls were white, the paint slowly flaking away on some parts, but it still looked amazing to Kouyou. His hand tightened around Yuu's fingers and they shared a glance.
Yuu could read the other's emotion and it worried him slightly, how sensitive his lover was being. He was afraid he couldn't make anything to help Kouyou feel somewhat alright.
- It's my grandparents's house. Where I spent the rest of my teenage years.
Yuu smiled.
- It's a beautiful place.
Kouyou let go of his hand and began walking, not waiting for him. Naturally the critic followed with the need to respect his lover's decisions. Coming back here had surely been a tough decision because the critic remembered his lover telling he hadn't gone there since his grandfather died.
The door creaked loudly and all they could see at first were tiny particules of dust, shown by the ray of lights coming from outside. Kouyou didn't bother to open the windows, he walked in and turned at his right in a room Yuu recognized as the kitchen. The painter let his hand wander on the table then on the cookwares.
A loud sigh resonated in the quietness of the house and Yuu even was frozen on his spot at the entrance of the kitchen.
He watched his lover climb the stairs, slowly and again, followed him like a shadow.
At the end of them, the painter turned on his left. Yuu waited and saw Kouyou opening the shutters. Now illuminated by the sunlights, Yuu could see from the door the huge field of flowers. And when he noticed the several posters in the room, he understood it had been Kouyou's bedroom and shelter. Yuu recognized few names of some old metal bands and couldn't help but to smile at the sight of few copies of some well known pieces such as The Persistence of Memory by Dali, or even Van Gogh's famous Sunflowers.
The wall in front of his bed was entirely covered with copies of paintings. Like a patchwork. At Yuu's interest for it, Kouyou whispered:
- They're all my favourites.
- You liked both classical pieces and eccentric ones. The whole gives an ambivalent feel.
A small laugh.
- I see you're speaking as the critic here.
Yuu grinned and felt reassured when Kouyou took his hand and leaded him in the room at the end of the corridor, at the opposite of his bedroom.
In front of the door he waited.
- Grandpa...
A murmur.
The door wasn't locked, and so Kouyou from the tips of his fingers pushed it open.
Their eyes fell on the bed at first.
There was a large headboard, woodcuts decorating it entirely. The blanket was a pure white, the cushions on the bed were made of lace and Kouyou smiled because he had seen his grandmother making them.
Nightstands made of the same wood were at each side of the bed, at their left was the bathroom and a drawer of chests and at their right, a huge window.
The painter made his way to it, opened the large glasses at first, then the shutters and it was when Yuu noticed there was a balcony that was giving an idyllic view on the sea...It was sunset already and the sky was delicately tinged with warm colors.
Kouyou leaned against the balcony and admired, his mind all for his grandparents, his grandfather above all, who helped him to survive this world.
Yuu watched Kouyou's silhouette from behind the curtains, his heart tightening painfully...It was disconcerting how recently Kouyou's state seemed to drown in waves of desperation. How hard it was getting for him to overcome his past. Yuu put down their bags on the floor, walking to the window when he heard his voice.
- Without you, there wouldn't have been any Yuu.
The critic gently pushed away the curtain, getting closer to his lover.
- Without you, I'd be now dead. Or in a mental hospital, losing the last pieces of my sanity little by little. Thanks to you, I'm still here. Thanks to you, I've found the willpower to continue living. Thanks to you, love saved me.
The affection brought by his grandfather and Yuu's never ending tenderness.
- I hope you are in peace, you and her.
He closed his eyes and a pair of soft hands could be felt on his arms.
- I'm proud of you. I'm sure they are as well.
Kouyou smiled sadly and turned around to look at Yuu's troubled face. He thought about words, sentences, explanations, memories, images, metaphors...Nothing could express at this right instant how grateful he was.
So he instead kissed Yuu with all his heart, saying with his lips all the things he couldn't tell.
And Yuu kissed him back with desperation, passion and fear to be useless, powerless to a man he was used to have in his life now.
- Thank you, thank you, thank you so much to be here, to be mine, to hold my hand constantly...
Whispers of gratitude almost sung like a grace for the gods. Yuu hated when he was getting emotional and Kouyou's words weren't helping. His eyes were too wet, his lips too pursed tight, his heart too loud.
His love, overflowing.
- Don't...
Quieted with a kiss.
- They say when we lose hope, we die. I was walking on the path of my own end, with the intention to embrace Death and kill my torments. Instead...
Kouyou momentarily looked away and back at Yuu, clearly touched.
- Instead I found you. You found me. There, hope was back, and with it my desire to live. You're the reason why I encountered so many struggles, so much pain. It can't be this good with no battle. It can't feel this right without my past. I've waited for a long time but hey, you're finally here happiness.
Kouyou laughed, embarassed. He didn't know why he was being such a sweet talker, or he knew. It was coming from his heart. Yuu seemed about to break down anytime. The painter hadn't seen him this shattered since his father had showed up at his place few weeks ago.
- You're finally here and it feels so good.
Kouyou was now crying, hot tears. A tight embrace he found himself in the next instant...
- I love you...I love you and I want to see you smile every morning that God makes! I want to make you feel safe, protected. I want you to trust me in every possible way because I love you so much Kou, I will never let you down. I'll be by your side from now and then. I'll help you to get back on your feet so you can walk the same path as mine, our fingers tightly entwined. I want to spend my life with you.
Kouyou pushed himself away from Yuu's arms slightly and drowned into his dark and shining orbs. The tears hadn't stopped, even overflowed. He gifted Yuu with a salty kiss and a choked sob against his lips.
Beyond everything he had always dreamt of.
Kouyou had wished for such a partner all his life since the rape.
And here he was.
- I love you Yuu, oh God, I love you!
Wet kisses, shy hands shaking and running over each other's bodies like they only had few hours before parting. Yuu's warm body was against his, and soon he felt the pulsion against his crotch. Yuu desired him, Yuu wanted him, yet he wasn't showing it willingly.
And Kouyou wanted him. He had never wanted someone this much before...And he knew that his feelings for Yuu weren't superficial. They were real, deep, embracing.
He took his hand, leaded him inside and Yuu hesitated:
- Kou...
The blond turned around, caressed the other's arms and kissed him, slowly at first to awake the burning need within...
Yuu suddenly carried him and put him on the bed, gently and Kouyou read in his eyes all the things he couldn't hear. The way his dark eyes were glowing while looking at him.
All of Yuu's gestures were printed with smoothness, tenderness. The way he unbuttoned his shirt, leaving kisses on his thin chest, the way his tongue danced over his shivering body.
Kouyou gently pulled apart the tangled hair with his fingers with low sighs and closed eyes. He couldn't avoid the way his own mind was torturing him...But every attempt to destroy Yuu's image was falling into nothingness.
Yuu wouldn't harm him, Yuu was sweet and tender.
He was going to make love to him.
When Yuu kissed him hard on the mouth while on his knees, his hands busy on Kouyou's pants, the painter suddenly felt like a teenager inaugurating his sex life.
This feels like my first time.
The rape hadn't been his first at all. But Kouyou had completely forgotten the sensations when the spirit and the body were in full osmosis, when sex was printed with love. Or that was simply the fact he had never felt such a strong love for someone else before?
- It's been a long time since I've done it this way with someone I...
Yuu stopped in mid motion, his fingers holding Kouyou's pants and tilted his head slightly to look at him through his dark hair:
- Hm?
- Love. With someone I love. It makes me nervous. I don't want to...Make a fool of myself.
Yuu smiled and Kouyou felt his heart melting. The dark haired kissed him gently and said:
- Don't overthink it. In fact...I'm a little bit nervous too. I haven't loved a lot of people you know...
Kouyou realized suddenly they felt the same way about each other. They had gone almost through the same sentimental desert, no one to love, no one to care for other than themselves.
- See? You shouldn't worry baby.
At the nickname, Kouyou's heart missed a beat. He nodded and pulled Yuu closer to himself for a deep kiss. The dark haired found his way back to Kouyou's pants he gently pushed down after they had parted, hands shaking, nervous because he didn't want to hurt the painter. Anything could trigger him. The slightest detail could awake Kouyou's fears and Yuu was lost in a battle against his lover's past. He was the present. He was hope. He was happiness and for nothing in the world he'd let himself be defeated.
Not when he had done this much.
His lips brushed against Kouyou's hips, he smiled at the sight of the erection, kissed the balls gently and when his tongue slid against the shaft he felt it twitch.
A short glance at the painter, he had his eyes closed, his chest was rising up and down, his hands holding the blanket tightly.
Yuu wasn't in the mood to tease, kissed the head and captured Kouyou fully in his mouth, popping gently before concentrating on the head, tracing its outlines sensuously. The heavy breaths heard reassured the dark haired who continued his little ministrations, bringing Kouyou progressively to the path of pleasure.
He was suddenly pushed away and raised his head to see his lover flushed:
- Not like this...
He understood and smiled, touched that Kouyou needed him another way.
- Then...
He left the bed and Kouyou heard the zip of one of the bags Yuu had carried in the bedroom a little earlier. He was getting more and more nervous, knowing what Yuu was bringing along with him. He heard the noise the items made when being put on the nightstand at their left and closed his eyes when the other kissed him, the passion in their kisses increasing with their hearbeats.
When Kouyou began tugging at his clothes, Yuu knew what to do and under his gaze, he undressed himself entirely, watching back when the blond removed his shirt, the only clothe still clinging to his skin.
His whole body was pale, his skin soft, his eyes spotting beauty spots almost everywhere...Kouyou blushed under Yuu's lingering stare. It was too much. He looked away and when warm hands made him meet Yuu's dark eyes, he gave him a faint smile.
- You're so beautiful. It's insane. I want to touch you and at the same time, I don't want to.
The painter looked almost troubled, quiet.
- Like I'm not enough to even touch you.
His hazel eyes were shining, Yuu regreted his honesty.
- God Yuu...Touch me! Touch me and make this yours!
Kouyou grabbed his hands and put them on his chest, tears falling.
- I want you so much Kou, believe me...I'm just...
The painter stroked his cheek:
- You're everything I want Yuu. I love you and I need to feel your love in a tangible way. I'm not helping you at all, right?
- Kou...
He shook his head:
- I've been focused on myself a lot. But I wouldn't be here with you if I didn't want it. I want you. I've been wanting you for a long time, I can't wait anymore.
Yuu nodded, lost in thoughts. It was their moment, no one else was invited in this room. The reality of the moment struck him when after countless kisses, Kouyou opened his legs wide.
Yuu could feel his hands shaking and finally raised his head to meet Kouyou's eyes.
And the painter was doing his best to focus on Yuu, just him and the love he was feeling for him.
- You can start now. If we take our time, I'm afraid I won't...
Yuu quieted him with a small kiss.
- It will be alright. I'll start now if it's what you want baby.
Kouyou smiled.
"Your rapist had control over you and now the challenge that is awaiting you is simple: you have to regain this control he stole from you."
You're not going to be the last one. He's my last one, he's the one I've chosen. I love him, he loves me, this is how it's supposed to be.
At the first contact with Yuu's lubbed finger, Kouyou grimaced. Not in pain. His mind was filled with apprehension. He couldn't help but to contract every muscles in his body. He was scared.
Like when you were 5 years old and you couldn't just look under your bed to check out if the monsters were real.
- Relax baby...I'll be gentle I swear.
Kouyou nodded, grabbed one of Yuu's hand that was resting on his hip and held it tightly when finally, it went through.
The sensation wasn't that bad.
It felt weird, of course, but nothing to make him scream and cry like he did back then. It wasn't Yuu yet but it was reassuring.
Is the rest the worst or the best...I wonder...
It slid slowly, in and out, a nice feeling taking over his whole body that was relaxing little by little.
- How do you feel?
His voice was filled with concern and Kouyou looked back at him:
- I'm ok. It feels good, I think you can add another one now.
- Sure?
Yuu waited for Kouyou's approval and listened to his demand. At the expression on his lover's face, he almost removed his fingers but the other instantly reassured him. Kouyou was getting acquainted with his body again, after a long and painful separation. It felt good. The panting and breathing, the lips pursing to choke the eventual sounds...
Yuu cared to prepare his lover fully, too afraid to destroy how far they had been already and the painter didn't complain at all.
Until the serious matter showed up. When an aroused Yuu was kissing him, a hand reaching for lubricant and condoms.
He almost held his breath and made his best to hide the worries taking over his whole being.
Yuu raised his head when Kouyou gripped his arm suddenly:
- Kou? Baby? What's wrong?
- No fucking condom.
Yuu stayed quiet and shocked at first.
- What?
- No condom Yuu please. Of course I trust you but, remember what I told you at my parents's? That one time you asked?
Yuu looked away and nodded, ashamed. That one time he had asked Kouyou if his rapist had taken any risk or not. And the condoms were obviously a trigger.
- I'm sorry...It's just...
- People wear them when they start a normal relationship. Ours is nowhere near normal at all...
The painter chuckled and continued:
- And I want to feel you inside. This way. I could never feel anyone this way. And I want you to be the first and the last one.
The critic smiled and kissed him, then whispered against his full lips:
- Everything for you.
Yuu finished to apply lube and positionned himself, his heart drumming as fast as Kouyou's. He pushed in, slowly, bending down Kouyou's chest, his eyes for his lover. The painter had closed his, as to deny the reality of the instant.
- Kou...Look at me.
Their eyes locked. Yuu pushed in all the way and Kouyou held his breath until he finally let the air out, a thin sheet of water appearing in his eyes which worried Yuu. The painter though moved his hips and when the critic imitated him, they shared a smile.
Kouyou wanted to remember this forever: the sweet talks, the whispers confessing the true love, the strokes, the kisses, Yuu's loving gaze...And the pleasure. He had never felt such a great pleasure in bed.
This is how it is supposed to be.
He didn't last long. Even apologized and helped Yuu to reach his climax. Shivers sent down his spine when he felt him, inside, his essence. It was a warm and weird sensation. He held Yuu tight, his fingertips dancing on his sweaty skin while this one was catching his breath.
- I didn't last long either.
- I'm a sex symbol that's why.
Yuu giggled:
- Oh my, I'm the one who's conceited in this relationship.
- I was really successful in college, so you know...
Yuu caressed his cheek:
- I don't mind sharing. I needed someone to match my potential, here you are.
All the tension was blown away.
Kouyou kissed him:
- It was beyond everything I had imagined. We didn't last long, it doesn't matter because, we finally did it. It's the first time of a long serie, and I really feel yours right now.
Another sweet deep kiss.
- I love you Kouyou.
- I love you Yuu.
-----------------------
All good things come to an end right? Well then, I made you wait way too much, you can nod at that and I truly hope you loved this story. I enjoyed writing it, it was some kind of challenge to tell the truth because when I did, I tried to slip into the character's shoes and write down their feelings in the most faithful way. I mean it's not that easy to write as if you had been a victim of sexual assault you know. Ah, something important, the first scene in this chapter with this woman who tells her personal story is something that actually REALLY happened to me. Well I must say, it was a bit awkward at times because she was constantly saying "you're beautiful" while holding my arm. But she indeed told me those words "You're beautiful. I know you're going to succeed in your life. I can tell. You're amazing." I remember going back home with a strange feel...Like it only happens in movies generally. Her words really warmed my heart so I hope I gave you the right feel in this first scene. It gave me hope, I wanted Kouyou to feel the same way. And, there's an epilogue yes. I just couldn't leave it like that. :)