Frustrations Galore: I'm on my own.
I'm frustrated. I need to vent out my feelings for I have grown impatient with waiting and with trying. I believe I give in enough effort, perhaps more than others but maybe my need is greater than my patience and understanding.
Maybe it's also because I can't try to understand when I myself feel compelled to the burden of my own work. I try balancing between the both to meet the deadlines of interest and of academic responsibilities.
So the question through my mind is why is it that I can use so much more time doing my part and others can't do theirs when it requires less.
Am I demanding?
Am I expecting too much?
Do I ask for too much?
So much for being my "help" when there really isn't any in this project.
Yes, I'm frustrated.
I check my emails almost every single day and night but never is there one from any of you, not even a reply much less a paragraph of your commentary part.
Yeah, I know in the end, this is my own good that I'm doing it for. And I'm really grateful for a chance like this, as un-confident as I am.
I wonder why I'm giving in all the effort, trying to juggle settling in here, doing my uni work and assignments and kinda-house chores with trying to complete this by the deadline.
Am I asking too much?
Why do I always feel like I'm not worth that effort and time? Because I've feeling that way for a while from you. And it hurts and it disappoints.
Some tell me not to think about that part, because it doesn't matter and so on. Or this is my chance, don't let it affect a chance like this.
Maybe if you weren't that big part of my life, it wouldn't matter. But you are, I can't erase that feeling away.
I don't feel like I'm relaxing much. If I'm not doing my assignments or my readings or going to classes, I'm finding time to do this.
And at the end of this post, I'm saying things that I might regret.
But it doesn't matter, coz Rae has the lowest self-esteem. So my conclusion over and over again is...
I'm not enough. Never enough. And not good enough.
But because Tash is right, I'll do it for myself. Hopeless to wait for a response from you, I'll wait no more, though I know in the end, it will still matter to me, because that's how I am, it can't play a part anymore anyway.
I want this, and even if it doesn't work out well in the end, I'm gonna try it at least.
For my own sake.
Fairly disappointed in her opinion,
レイラ。