(no subject)
i just went and read a lot of my old entries and realized how much i have and how much happier i seem to be now. i think last year was my downright worst year probably just because i was stubborn and afraid of change. i was afraid of things being different and of what people thought of me. i was scared of what people said about me and just afraid of being myself. i was lost and was searching for satisfaction elsewhere from God which is impossible. i still do that sometimes though. God is the only place anyone will find satisfaction. He is the only path in life that will actually take you somewhere. Any other happiness you find is false and is basically only a sugar high. Eating sugar will give you a sudden burst of energy but last only for a few minutes. Happiness in worldly materials such as clothing(my weakness) boys, alcohol, drugs whatever is only going to last a little while and in the end leave you with nothing leave you hungry. over thanksgiving, i actually didn't really do what the holiday is actually for which is being thankful. i though nothing of the people who were eating at a homeless shelter or freezing their booty's off in the cold weather. i thought nothing of how great my parents and my family are and what i would do without them. i thought nothing of my friends and all they do for me adn all the time they take to listen to all the stupid things i say. so thanks to everyone for just taking a part in my life. i deserve nothing that i have. last week i just sat and examined my life and every single intricate detail and left myself with the reality of the horrid person i actually am. there are so many things in my life that i really need to take into reexamination adn change to a way that is more pleasing to God. anyone want to have in depth conversations? i've been in the mood for some in the past month?
here are some old entries just to think about:
i don't think we ever really know what's going on in someones life. i think we can just look at people adn think we know everything about them but you really don't you have no clue what goes on in there life. how there every day is spend. sometiems i do'nt think anyone really knows me. i think it's hard for me to just open up to people and be myself just because i don't trust anyone. i know how girls do each other so it scares me.sometimes it just seems like life is a big lie b/c no one is really honest about themselves. it seems to me we hide behind all the gossip so we do'nt have to talk about ourselves so we don't have to open up and let what's going on w/ us out. so we just hurt someone else i dont' understand why were' like this
i hate how christmas is like being destroyed. the only thing i've thought about is presents what people are gving me adn what i'm giving them. its' not what christmas is about. christmas is about jesus being born so he could die on a cross so we wouldn't have to die. what ahs this world turned to. noone looks into the true meaningof anything anymore. i don't understand we get so caught up in the world and everything around us that will have no effect on us in the future none of it will matter. man but i am excited
(i really need to remember this this holiday season!)
we talked about forgiveness which is sumthing i really struggle with. i don't get it though. i just can't fathom how great and wonderful God is seeing how we shun him and basically just blow him off and he forgives us. he still loves us. i mean sum1 can just talk about me and i'll have teh hardest time really forgiving them in my heart even though i do the same thing to them. lately i've just realized what a jerk i can be in how i can sit there and just talk about people. it bothers me so bad. erg i wanna stop.
last wednesday my grandfather died. um i learned so much from that. i saw lil old people bringing food and sending us flowers just so they could help. i learned what family was. i learned it wasn't just the people u live with or sit down and eat dinner with. They are the people who love u and u love them so much that you would die in their place. They are the people that will cry at your funeral and smile when you're born. My grandfather said he was glad it was him and not my grandmother, it made my eyes tear up. I saw a family working together to cheer each other up doing things that would make Clem happy follow his example. From that i learned that we need to follow God's example. We need to strive to live up to how jesus lived. Do things that are pleasing to God and his perfect will.
10 Whoever loves money never has money enough;
whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income.
This too is meaningless.
Ecclesiastes 5:10
From that I think that just when you love something not just money and put it before God the largest amount will never satisfy you. It is like coke. Coke just makes you thirstier, while water satsifies your thirst like God. For me it's hard to just fully give myself up to God. When I don't give myself fully to God then it's easier just to find things I think will satisfy me. Gossiping is one. Lately I haven't been satisfied with my life, and I believe it's because I have just been putting whatever has been going on before God. God is the only thing or person that can ever fully satisfy you, but it only happens if you've become his full time servant. Being part time is not good enough for Him. Tonight I pray that every person in this world will thirst for God's righteousness and holiness.
sorry if you read this which not many people will.it's really long. i was just kinda in the mood to type. if you have any prayer request post them.
here are some old entries just to think about:
i don't think we ever really know what's going on in someones life. i think we can just look at people adn think we know everything about them but you really don't you have no clue what goes on in there life. how there every day is spend. sometiems i do'nt think anyone really knows me. i think it's hard for me to just open up to people and be myself just because i don't trust anyone. i know how girls do each other so it scares me.sometimes it just seems like life is a big lie b/c no one is really honest about themselves. it seems to me we hide behind all the gossip so we do'nt have to talk about ourselves so we don't have to open up and let what's going on w/ us out. so we just hurt someone else i dont' understand why were' like this
i hate how christmas is like being destroyed. the only thing i've thought about is presents what people are gving me adn what i'm giving them. its' not what christmas is about. christmas is about jesus being born so he could die on a cross so we wouldn't have to die. what ahs this world turned to. noone looks into the true meaningof anything anymore. i don't understand we get so caught up in the world and everything around us that will have no effect on us in the future none of it will matter. man but i am excited
(i really need to remember this this holiday season!)
we talked about forgiveness which is sumthing i really struggle with. i don't get it though. i just can't fathom how great and wonderful God is seeing how we shun him and basically just blow him off and he forgives us. he still loves us. i mean sum1 can just talk about me and i'll have teh hardest time really forgiving them in my heart even though i do the same thing to them. lately i've just realized what a jerk i can be in how i can sit there and just talk about people. it bothers me so bad. erg i wanna stop.
last wednesday my grandfather died. um i learned so much from that. i saw lil old people bringing food and sending us flowers just so they could help. i learned what family was. i learned it wasn't just the people u live with or sit down and eat dinner with. They are the people who love u and u love them so much that you would die in their place. They are the people that will cry at your funeral and smile when you're born. My grandfather said he was glad it was him and not my grandmother, it made my eyes tear up. I saw a family working together to cheer each other up doing things that would make Clem happy follow his example. From that i learned that we need to follow God's example. We need to strive to live up to how jesus lived. Do things that are pleasing to God and his perfect will.
10 Whoever loves money never has money enough;
whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income.
This too is meaningless.
Ecclesiastes 5:10
From that I think that just when you love something not just money and put it before God the largest amount will never satisfy you. It is like coke. Coke just makes you thirstier, while water satsifies your thirst like God. For me it's hard to just fully give myself up to God. When I don't give myself fully to God then it's easier just to find things I think will satisfy me. Gossiping is one. Lately I haven't been satisfied with my life, and I believe it's because I have just been putting whatever has been going on before God. God is the only thing or person that can ever fully satisfy you, but it only happens if you've become his full time servant. Being part time is not good enough for Him. Tonight I pray that every person in this world will thirst for God's righteousness and holiness.
sorry if you read this which not many people will.it's really long. i was just kinda in the mood to type. if you have any prayer request post them.