caution: heavy, emotional material
so, lately it feels like way too much of my time is spent worrying about...well, dying. i don't necessarily know when i became so preoccupied with this subject but yeah, it's there. i guess it all started around the same time that i started having so many panic attacks and anxiety disorder. 9th grade.
it's different now though, it used to be that i was scared of dying because of how it would affect me, my existence, what i hadn't yet accomplished, what i had to live for. now it's most definitely about those that i would leave behind; predominantly emily. every time i let myself imagine her without me it immediately brings me to tears. i don't want her to have one single ounce of hurt, or pain, or insecurity...at least not at my hands. the thought of her "wanting mommy" and me not being there destroys me.
i realize that it's pretty self-centered of me...people die every day. every minute. those people have families and friends that love them dearly. why should i be excluded? i know i shouldn't. i guess this is just something i'm going to have to get through...realize and appreciate every day that i'm given to continue my life here on earth. i trust in god to take me when he's ready and to hold the hearts of my loved ones in his hands. but, i just felt the need to write this down. so here it is...
i have known great love and great pain. i have known the joy and excitement to grow life inside me. i have achieved things that at times i thought were impossible. i have been surrounded by an extremely loving and supportive family and friends my entire life thus far. i have felt the warmth and security of falling asleep in the arms of the love of my life.
i am greatly blessed and well, i have to keep reminding myself that even if i do die right now, there are millions of people who have passed without being able to say half of those things. anyway, i'm glad i got this off my chest and hopefully my mind will start to rest a little easier...good night.
it's different now though, it used to be that i was scared of dying because of how it would affect me, my existence, what i hadn't yet accomplished, what i had to live for. now it's most definitely about those that i would leave behind; predominantly emily. every time i let myself imagine her without me it immediately brings me to tears. i don't want her to have one single ounce of hurt, or pain, or insecurity...at least not at my hands. the thought of her "wanting mommy" and me not being there destroys me.
i realize that it's pretty self-centered of me...people die every day. every minute. those people have families and friends that love them dearly. why should i be excluded? i know i shouldn't. i guess this is just something i'm going to have to get through...realize and appreciate every day that i'm given to continue my life here on earth. i trust in god to take me when he's ready and to hold the hearts of my loved ones in his hands. but, i just felt the need to write this down. so here it is...
i have known great love and great pain. i have known the joy and excitement to grow life inside me. i have achieved things that at times i thought were impossible. i have been surrounded by an extremely loving and supportive family and friends my entire life thus far. i have felt the warmth and security of falling asleep in the arms of the love of my life.
i am greatly blessed and well, i have to keep reminding myself that even if i do die right now, there are millions of people who have passed without being able to say half of those things. anyway, i'm glad i got this off my chest and hopefully my mind will start to rest a little easier...good night.