pardon my stream of consciousness
I wonder about myself a lot. I really am confused as to what decisions I should be making in my life. I feel like I should be old enough to know since I am roughly 17 hours away from home, yet I'm 18...I just graduated 3 months ago...I was just under my parents control not too long ago. It sucks that I gave up so much time to be able to play volleyball for the past ten years, not to mention physical pain...it was a 10 year relationship, and it broke up with me because I couldn't physically handle it, it got too good for me. I've devoted so much time to it, I'm not quite sure what to devote my time to yet. I want to look back and have no regrets...will I have any? I want to try something new, a suggestion for me was to "try boys"...I say well, I've tried them, but yeah relationships - the longest: 4 months. I'm so used to being independent and busy all the time, I'm not sure how I'd handle being with someone. I know this is what I need to do, the smart thing to do...my mind doesn't want to accept it...I'm always up for a challenge, this is just another challenge. I don't think I played hard enough, if I did then I shouldn't be able to walk away from it...I should be wheeled away and placed in a coffin after I'm done, "pain is weakness leaving your body"...I've always been taught that. I see my father in a lil under two weeks...It'll be the first time seeing him since "the news", I'm ashamed, I won't be able to look him in the eye. I had such high expectations for myself, I fucked up. Posterboard of pictures on my wall...there's friends and family, but mostly consisting of my 10 year relationship I've had. I surrounded my life with it, I worked around it, I based decisions on it. I wouldn't be who I am today without it...I won't be the same without it, trainer: "Your life is going to be completely different now". I cry with the thought of memories, like someone does when they think of an old boyfriend they still love and will never get a chance with. I'm a planner, where will I be in a year? 6 months? I planned on playing through college, getting here and busting my ass to start...I didn't make it a month. I could handle letting go when it was planned, in 3 more years. Everything changes...even my eating habits. I used to have to eat so I wouldn't pass out...now I'm afraid to eat, freshman 15 scares me and now it's a threat...It's only been 2 weeks and it's scaring me. It'd be easier if there were people here that I've known for more than a month...I've been physically comforted by people that haven't known me for long, they don't know that I'm not a pussy, that I actually can play well. Went to the beach, played a lil sand vball....I sucked and didn't want to pick up a ball ever again. Wandered around the city yesterday by myself...somehow I ended up standing in front of the gym. I've been cleaning a lot...I clean when I'm bored and have too much time, or I'm stressed or worried. Which is it? I feel selfish to be upset, to feel sad...I should feel lucky to have even gotten the chance to play, to come here, to do anything I've done...some people can't even eat a full meal in a week. I've always said that I don't adjust to change well, this is the biggest change I'll ever have in my life...trainer: "This is probably this biggest decision you'll ever have to make in your life"...not marriage, not children, not about jobs, but this. I needed to vent...depression is kicking in, who am I now?