Another day gone passing by...
Had an nice day off today. Didn't get much done and I didn't really get to talk to any of my church friends today. We had communion tonight and it reminded me of when we used to have bible study in the evenings. Gosh I miss those days. Back when life was simple. I knew what I wanted. I knew where I was going. I literally could see my entire life laid out for me. And it was perfect. Just what I wanted. Then I hit college and that all went to hell. I have no idea where things went wrong, but when they did it was bad.
I remember when I was truly happy about my life. I knew exactly what I wanted in life. I remember it very clearly. I was going to go to college. Marry one of the guys that went/goes to my church. Have a few kids. Raise them well and in the church. Then be just like all the other families I saw around me constantly and adored oh so much. I saw it and the only thing I could think was "That's exactly what I want." I could point directly to an image of what I wanted. All I had to do was get there. How simpler could it possibly get? I knew how my life was going to go and I could see it with my own eyes.
Now everything is completely different. Now I realize that even if I do reach that point, it won't happen for a very long time. Plus, I'm not even sure if it's what I want in life anymore. I've seen so many other wonderful things since getting to college that it's completely complicated my life and made me double think everything I once held so dearly to my heart. I admit - at sixteen I was bright eyed and bushy tailed. I was hyper active about church. I had a very prue, almost blind, faith and obsession with the lifestyle. And now to be questioning and second guessing is a real hard thing to do. Not to say that I'm going to leave my church. Gosh no. I just wonder about my future and how I'm going to live my life. I wonder what type of adult I will be. And I worry about it way too much for my own good.
Everything was so amazingly great back then. I felt like I could conquer the world, once I got to college. I couldn't wait to grown up (I still can't). Now I just wish I could go back in time before things sucked beyond all belief. Sometimes I feel pretty okay with life. But most of the time I'm pissed off about life in general. Plus I still want to grow up. Most people at church have a hard time treating my like an adult. I've tried to make myself very clear that I am a separate entity from my family and that I demand to be treated so. Very slowly but surely they're picking up on it.
I miss summers from long ago. 2003 in specific. I'm not sure I can get excited about anything before I go to bed. Tonight I'm just depressed. Last night I could barely sleep because of the heat. It doesn't seem like tonight is going to be any better, but I made some adjustments in my room that might help out. Hopefully. I hate being so hot and so tired.
Maybe I need some chocolate or some ice cream or something....This all just sucks...