regeneration: from decay to bud
I only write when I feel whole, complete in myself. I haven't felt that way for quite a few months. The last time I journaled I was getting ready to graduate with my Master's degree in English and was looking forward to a summer of reading and playing and thinking. The summer passed in one misty breeze; I found myself surprisingly unmotivated and, well, just lost.
I'm not sure what to do with my life; I'm not sure what makes me happy anymore because I am so miserable. Because I am taking this year off from grad school I am stuck in this in between state, this liminal state, where anything is possible. Nothing seems right; nothing seems as important as it was last year.
But, before I get to that (it requires a separate post), I want to share some of the happy things that happened this summer because, first of all, in the time I have had this journal I have not missed a summer. In fact, summer is the most important time in terms of personal growth and reflection and, even though I felt that I had nothing to say, I did. Also, I need desperately to remind myself the good things going on in my life.
First, graduation. For me it didn't feel like a big deal, probably because I was planning on going on to a Ph.D and felt that it wasn't as much of an ending point as it was a breathing point. Here is part of the graduating grad students of 2009:
Just so you know, I could not figure out how to put on that damn hood! Thank goodness for Doris!
Then it was summer! I found out I didn't get the camp counselor job I had thougnt was "in the bag" and, despite last minute job apps, found nothing. Luckily I had enough money saved up (I hardly went out or ate much the last semester since I had so much work) to make it through. I also managed to land two good jobs for the fall (teaching composition and online tutoring) As a result I sat around and examined every aspect of my life. I made these great plans to read (finish Swann's Way, for example), learn Latin (I've been wanting to for so long that I actually started looking at summer school classes), work out, visit people, and explore, but I couldn't bring myself to do any of these things because I felt so anxious about my future. Because I was taking a year off, a Ph.D seemed far away and uncertain. Also, I found myself not so excited to teach in the fall.
But I managed to push myself to get out more and forget some of my woes towards the end of the summer.
I went to an awesome cubs game because of some FREE tickets (the one on the Friday of the weekend of the Chicago Air show where they scored 10 runs alone in the second inning!).
D. Lee (BAMF):
I also had a fabulous time with my friend Elery and her family at the Renaissance Faire in Minnesota:
Several friends got married this summer and I had fun celebrating their special day with them. It's so strange to see people your own age get married when you are in your earlier twenties; I still remember them as college freshman!
I also moved this summer; yes, clearly, a lot has happened in my journal hiatus. I'm still in the same town, I just moved up the block to a cheaper apartment that I actually love more than my old apartment (it has a pool and the apartment complex is older so it has character).
Things are good: I have friends in many places around the country, I have a caring family, I have good friends close by, and I have two college degrees.
Now I have to work on piecing things together.