My Healing
Ok SO My Girl Donni knws some magic! I really didnt believe it till she started & then it was incredable - You should have this done, I am not joking...you will learn some things. For instance "Margret" came out & told her that she sees the baby & remember the eggs....Funny I didnt knw what she was talking about till I talked to my mother. She told me she didnt knw who Margret was but the eggs on the other hand was all Grandma. Apparently when I was younger Eggs & me got in trouble. I would blow the insides out of them & put them back...pissing every1 off & in a joke after I wentr shopping with my grandma 1 day I was helping her put groceries away & she told me to put the eggs away & not make off with any of them & I dropped them all on ther flr. My mother laughed - said it would be like her to bring that up. THen Mom remembered that Grandma's Saint name was Margret...as iin Margret Mary. My Grandma's name was Mary - Just kind of Funny how Direct that was. Maybe when you pass on something changes cuz knw1 barely ever comes through with their real name. I am guessing that the "I see the Baby" message was her telling me she IS watching becuz I asked her too watch over him - with everything that happened at his birth - I worry. I actually have done this with all my children...."Grandma, watch over them while I sleep" Kind of thing becuz that SIDS has made me CRAZY. I had a feeling she was around becuz Jr. often looks over my shoulder & just smiles up at nothing & I wounder....Is she there? Now I knw she is. Nice to have the reassurance that my feelings are lagit. I dnt Miss her in the all around scence. I miss her face - but I still feel her close so I knew she must be. Most people will say "She's/he's my favorite person" to some1 who has passed well - She really was. I looked up to that woman with such adoration. She was beautiful & Funny, loving & Smart. I wanted to be with her every spare second I could. I loved to talk to her & watch her & go places with her. At any rate I'm glad she is around watching. I'm glad she came through to let me know.
Something that surprised me was she said she kept seeing Billy. I havent really figured that out yet, other than id like to mutter more than "Hi" when i see him & cant figure out why i cant. i always thought of him as my friend but I have been trying for a long time to be at peace with a certain ex of mine - first & many more times unsuccessfully trying to rid him of my thoughts...past and precent & my Life but to no evail becuz I always miss him. A friendship with this Man is so hard. I meditated on Thursday last wk by myself & ran into a dark version of myself in my room. Holding onto some things I had forgot all about. Letting me know exactly how deep my roots are with this guy & What I need to do to close it all up & put it away. I actually carried on a conversation with him & He gets it - Amazing to me becuz sometime all this phycological/spiritual stuff makes me feel crazy & Unbelievable but Its realy a power. Ur inner mind knws some shit u do not & if u can get in toon with it - WOW. Ok well...I mean I didnt even have to say it, he said it for me. I should expect as much - I find him & I on the same wave length alot....That is why often when I can not solve something - I will call him & he will have a answer. Ok well. IDK - I think I discussed some shit with him today that didnt settle well but if it didnt - there is worse to come. I have kept some shit bottled up for a very long time & I think I am never going to "Get over it" till I air it. I'm like this - I knw so now I often air it b4 I go nuts but this is shit from when I was 15 - I didnt knw better. I think it kind of silly that it is still there but the fact is it is there & it obviously wants out. how do I knw that - the darker version of myself told me so. Easy enuf now to think I am COMPLETLEY nuts. I will tell you what she was holding. A little tin, A flannel shirt, a Hacky Sack & a ring. NO not the ruby one....a Irish promise ring oddly enuf & I really didnt get it till I listened to her tell me about the stuff. I knw of the tin - I have it. It has the word Gee in it, a drawing of a heart with SP heart's CJ written in it , a bottle cap & a streamer from homecoming that yr. These things I hold dear to me but the Hacky? What the F is that about? She says that he tought me how to play & the ring - Apparently that was to be my birthday present that I never recieved. Kristie I guess had told me that was what he said he was gonna get me - apparently he asked her what size ring I took & told her what he was getting me The ruby ring I left at his house & could never remember Y I did that & the rememberance of that other ring rememinded me - I left it very simply so that he would know what size ring to get me without me telling him I knew anything. Apparently I was slightly tricky even then b4 I became a bitch...Mind you...this was all stuck deep in my head - I didnt remember this shit till that night. I also remembered that as my birthday came and passed I knew in my heart something was not right but being so young I ignored it. I also ignored the fact that I didnt care for his friends nor they for me & I knew something was up with that too. I remember Mr B. Wanted to move me in Accounting class as so that I may be of help to them & I Totaly refused. I always felt like their eyes were all over me just waiting for me to do something off key or out of line or SOMETHING - trying to peek at me, Im not sure but I did not get good vibes off them. Y do guys let their friends thoughts mean so much? My friends thought he was a complete doof but I loved him inspite of it. I was NUTS about him...Over the freak'n Moon. He was .......DREAMY. The Streamer from Homecoming was a reminder of that night. I remember him wanting to dance with me & I got all wierded out & gave him some excuse how my girls wanted me to dance with them & he should join...knowing he would not want to but the truth of the situation is I could not keep myself together THAT close to him doing THOSE moves. Slow dancing ....just follow but I just got to hot & bothered & felt like I was gona faint when real rubbing & bumping started - NO JOKE! I was so Young - I have to laugh now becuz If I could be me now & go through all that - He would not have known what to do with Me, I CAN DANCE & Ive even done a slight strip tease on a dance floor (pulse after to many bar shots) & lap dances (Again - Pulse after to many bar shots & pitchers of longisland iceteas). I'm a little withheld back since I gained some weight but I like to get crazy. I think I have said b4 that I am a freak - I was not lieing! ; )
Back to the matter at hand
I have been dumped 2 times.
Billy - broke it off with me every time he thought we were getting "to close" he admitted that to me - thought I was experienced. I told him he thought wrong. Even told me he wanted to ask me back out after SP but knew I was not a V - I said "AGAIN - you thought wrong" but as I said b4 - we maintained a friendship - of a sort....I'm at peace with that.
SP - I dont know what happened there & I think that is the issue becuz I KNOW he did not want it to end. I KNOW he had issues with it all. SO - WHY? Why was the plug pulled? What was wrong with my character to make him pull away - I think I need that answer. I think more importantly I need to know that that boy that I loved & trusted, confided in, looked up to, Adored & got closer with than anyone ever b4 or after for a long time wasnt a hoax. That he really cared, really meant what he said & felt how he said he felt. Its made me doubt love to this very moment &. I have had him wander in and out of my life on EVERY page - I joke you not....He's written all up in all my pages & its all been my own fault really - but he answers & WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT? He says to me " So is this where you tell me goodbye and write me out of your life" Hun I couldnt do that if I wanted to. You are a part of me - I am who I am becuz of you & to write you off would be to ignore how I became this beautiful person that I am today - even if It was a twisted journey. MORE IMPORTANTLY. How could I write off someone who has been there for me whenever I have called for whatever becuz I was to chicken to spill my guts long ago ? All the Issues I have are of my own fault. DONNI said it best...we hold onto the pain to fill a void so I think if that void was filled with Him....well It wouldnt be a void would it & he does fill it - as a friend. I will not say it in a journal so as I said earlier when we talked....WHen you are ready to hear it & talk about it...YOu give me a call & set aside some time. It is not a confession of love DUDE!!! Im not in love with you - i just need some closure from way back then.The issue at hand is not all this - its more so just give me a chance & hear me out. I dont even know WHAT I am going to say but I'm sure it'll all spill at the right time. To recieve is to heal. If there is one piece of advice I can give the young...Dont hold shit in - It dont go away. Air it when it needs to be because holding onto it for 10 - 15 yrs...only makes a ridiculous & confusing mess.
Something that surprised me was she said she kept seeing Billy. I havent really figured that out yet, other than id like to mutter more than "Hi" when i see him & cant figure out why i cant. i always thought of him as my friend but I have been trying for a long time to be at peace with a certain ex of mine - first & many more times unsuccessfully trying to rid him of my thoughts...past and precent & my Life but to no evail becuz I always miss him. A friendship with this Man is so hard. I meditated on Thursday last wk by myself & ran into a dark version of myself in my room. Holding onto some things I had forgot all about. Letting me know exactly how deep my roots are with this guy & What I need to do to close it all up & put it away. I actually carried on a conversation with him & He gets it - Amazing to me becuz sometime all this phycological/spiritual stuff makes me feel crazy & Unbelievable but Its realy a power. Ur inner mind knws some shit u do not & if u can get in toon with it - WOW. Ok well...I mean I didnt even have to say it, he said it for me. I should expect as much - I find him & I on the same wave length alot....That is why often when I can not solve something - I will call him & he will have a answer. Ok well. IDK - I think I discussed some shit with him today that didnt settle well but if it didnt - there is worse to come. I have kept some shit bottled up for a very long time & I think I am never going to "Get over it" till I air it. I'm like this - I knw so now I often air it b4 I go nuts but this is shit from when I was 15 - I didnt knw better. I think it kind of silly that it is still there but the fact is it is there & it obviously wants out. how do I knw that - the darker version of myself told me so. Easy enuf now to think I am COMPLETLEY nuts. I will tell you what she was holding. A little tin, A flannel shirt, a Hacky Sack & a ring. NO not the ruby one....a Irish promise ring oddly enuf & I really didnt get it till I listened to her tell me about the stuff. I knw of the tin - I have it. It has the word Gee in it, a drawing of a heart with SP heart's CJ written in it , a bottle cap & a streamer from homecoming that yr. These things I hold dear to me but the Hacky? What the F is that about? She says that he tought me how to play & the ring - Apparently that was to be my birthday present that I never recieved. Kristie I guess had told me that was what he said he was gonna get me - apparently he asked her what size ring I took & told her what he was getting me The ruby ring I left at his house & could never remember Y I did that & the rememberance of that other ring rememinded me - I left it very simply so that he would know what size ring to get me without me telling him I knew anything. Apparently I was slightly tricky even then b4 I became a bitch...Mind you...this was all stuck deep in my head - I didnt remember this shit till that night. I also remembered that as my birthday came and passed I knew in my heart something was not right but being so young I ignored it. I also ignored the fact that I didnt care for his friends nor they for me & I knew something was up with that too. I remember Mr B. Wanted to move me in Accounting class as so that I may be of help to them & I Totaly refused. I always felt like their eyes were all over me just waiting for me to do something off key or out of line or SOMETHING - trying to peek at me, Im not sure but I did not get good vibes off them. Y do guys let their friends thoughts mean so much? My friends thought he was a complete doof but I loved him inspite of it. I was NUTS about him...Over the freak'n Moon. He was .......DREAMY. The Streamer from Homecoming was a reminder of that night. I remember him wanting to dance with me & I got all wierded out & gave him some excuse how my girls wanted me to dance with them & he should join...knowing he would not want to but the truth of the situation is I could not keep myself together THAT close to him doing THOSE moves. Slow dancing ....just follow but I just got to hot & bothered & felt like I was gona faint when real rubbing & bumping started - NO JOKE! I was so Young - I have to laugh now becuz If I could be me now & go through all that - He would not have known what to do with Me, I CAN DANCE & Ive even done a slight strip tease on a dance floor (pulse after to many bar shots) & lap dances (Again - Pulse after to many bar shots & pitchers of longisland iceteas). I'm a little withheld back since I gained some weight but I like to get crazy. I think I have said b4 that I am a freak - I was not lieing! ; )
Back to the matter at hand
I have been dumped 2 times.
Billy - broke it off with me every time he thought we were getting "to close" he admitted that to me - thought I was experienced. I told him he thought wrong. Even told me he wanted to ask me back out after SP but knew I was not a V - I said "AGAIN - you thought wrong" but as I said b4 - we maintained a friendship - of a sort....I'm at peace with that.
SP - I dont know what happened there & I think that is the issue becuz I KNOW he did not want it to end. I KNOW he had issues with it all. SO - WHY? Why was the plug pulled? What was wrong with my character to make him pull away - I think I need that answer. I think more importantly I need to know that that boy that I loved & trusted, confided in, looked up to, Adored & got closer with than anyone ever b4 or after for a long time wasnt a hoax. That he really cared, really meant what he said & felt how he said he felt. Its made me doubt love to this very moment &. I have had him wander in and out of my life on EVERY page - I joke you not....He's written all up in all my pages & its all been my own fault really - but he answers & WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT? He says to me " So is this where you tell me goodbye and write me out of your life" Hun I couldnt do that if I wanted to. You are a part of me - I am who I am becuz of you & to write you off would be to ignore how I became this beautiful person that I am today - even if It was a twisted journey. MORE IMPORTANTLY. How could I write off someone who has been there for me whenever I have called for whatever becuz I was to chicken to spill my guts long ago ? All the Issues I have are of my own fault. DONNI said it best...we hold onto the pain to fill a void so I think if that void was filled with Him....well It wouldnt be a void would it & he does fill it - as a friend. I will not say it in a journal so as I said earlier when we talked....WHen you are ready to hear it & talk about it...YOu give me a call & set aside some time. It is not a confession of love DUDE!!! Im not in love with you - i just need some closure from way back then.The issue at hand is not all this - its more so just give me a chance & hear me out. I dont even know WHAT I am going to say but I'm sure it'll all spill at the right time. To recieve is to heal. If there is one piece of advice I can give the young...Dont hold shit in - It dont go away. Air it when it needs to be because holding onto it for 10 - 15 yrs...only makes a ridiculous & confusing mess.