Control
Control…
What is control?
What does it mean to have control?
When I think of my meaning of the word control; I imagine tightness, never making a mistake, always being somewhere on time; if not early, doing all things my way, the right way, the way that works for me, not being open to others ideas, concepts, and creativity. When something doesn’t go as planned then anger is there and bitterness, a pissed off at the world comes and stays with me. I also experience only being open to what already feels comfortable for me, not willing to try a different way of cooking something; is an example, not being open to thinking that someone else could do a job that I have control over. So when I looked up the word control on the on-line dictionary, this is the meaning I found,
1. To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over, direct.
2. To adjust to a requirement; regulate: controlled trading on the stock
market; controls the flow of water.
3. To hold in restraint, check: struggled to control my temper.
4. To reduce or prevent the spread of: control insects; controlled the fire by dousing it with water.
n.
1. Authority or ability to manage or direct: lost control of the skidding car; the leaders in control of the country.
2.
a. One that controls; a controlling agent, device, or organization.
b. An instrument or set of instruments used to operate, regulate, or guide a machine or vehicle. Often used in the plural.
3. A restraining device, measure, or limit; a curb: a control on prices; price controls.
4.
a. A standard of comparison for checking or verifying the results of an experiment.
b. An individual or group used as a standard of comparison in a control experiment.
5. An intelligence agent who supervises or instructs another agent.
6. A spirit presumed to speak or act through a medium.
Reading the meaning of the word I start to envision confinement, something that has a lid on it, something that leaves no room for expansion. As I sit with this word I start to feel tight, rigid, tension builds, and I begin to connect with a sense of “I don’t like how I feel when I step outside of my control walls.” Many questions are here right now around this very authoritive word. So could I have a different meaning of the word? Or could I interpret the word differently than how I am registering it in my mind? The more I read over the meanings of the word I begin to think that in some circumstances there is a need for control. For example when a fire catches in a home, there is a need to control it, and put it out. So how do I determine what is mine to control and what isn’t?
I was planning to go away this thanksgiving weekend to a friends place near by. When I began to notice myself thinking of going away I became agitated, uptight, cranky, and flustered. I allowed myself to be with this and began to dissect how I was feeling a little more. As I sat with this longer I realized that I was painting a picture already of leaving with all my stuff that I need every day to be in control of my life on a daily basis. There was anger around having to pack all my stuff with me to go and visit someone who lives just across town. I juice every day, so that would mean bringing my very heavy juicer, all the fruits, and vegetables with me for 4 days, books to read, my journal, my address book, my housecoat, all my bathroom stuff, and clothing (I am a woman who dresses depending on the mood I am in that day) which means trying to plan what kind of mood I will be in for the next four days. The thought of even trying to estimate what kind of mood I would be in left me feeling really angry. The more I experienced these emotions the more I thought, “This is not working for me.” I began to imagine myself at my friends with very little, no juicer, only a couple of items to wear, no bathroom stuff, not even my toothbrush. The more I thought of this the angrier I got, and the less I wanted to bring, and then I thought, “FUCK IT !! I DON’T EVEN WANT TO GO!” I realized that I had made a commitment to my friend that I wasn’t prepared to break, and so I had to find a resolution for my dilemma. I packed very little, a hairbrush, my housecoat, my journal, my appointment book, a movie, and my slippers and a way I went. As I stayed with her, I noticed myself dis-connecting so that I wouldn’t be feeling the emotions that were trying to barge out of me. The more I couldn’t fight the emotions the more I became connected, and the more I became agitated with my circumstance. The more I became agitated the less I enjoyed being out, and away from my home. Even the simplest of tasks, like cooking breakfast for my daughter became really frustrating, as I couldn’t find what I needed, what I was use to having at home in a particular place, always ! Thank god for my journal, because this is what came on the 2nd day,
Anger building….
What is this?
An anger of things out of place….
The oil I need isn’t here….
My clothing isn’t here….
My shoes aren’t here….
My juicer isn’t here…..
My life as I know it isn’t as it should be,
Needs to be….
I need to have order….
Without order I fall apart…..
I become all the things that I can’t be….
All the things I can’t be, all the things I don’t want to be…..
All the things I have worked hard to become,
Slip from my grasp,
From my fingertips,
From my CONTROL !!
Why do I need this control of my life?
If there is no control - There is no order !
With no order I become out of control.
So how does one find a balance in this place of control, and giving up parts of it? As I explore this more I am left with, if it weren’t for the intense emotion around this aspect of control there would not be this need within myself to want to change it. So I conclude that I am approaching a change about how I see control in my life.
If one lets go of the actual meaning of the word, control, and just allows life to take its natural path what would that mean?
Something is coming to me when I think of my concept of control; I wonder if it’s about letting go of it. The more I investigate this irritating power I realize how it blankets my whole entire life. Every avenue I become familiar with I see how control is already present. Then I experience an emotion which is either positive, or there is a sense of agitation if it isn’t as I expected it should be, or has been. So out of habit, something occurring time after time, and all of a sudden it now forms into control. The words come to me so often, “Well it was like this before, I want it to be like this now.” Or there is the, “I was getting used to this being this way, and now things have changed.” So there is an experience of something new, and I experience a thought, and feeling that tells me, “I don’t want to experience this right now, and I don’t want to handle this at this moment.” But there I am in this moment experiencing it with thoughts, and emotions and this intensity of anger, frustration, and severe agitation. So what do I do? Well I allow myself to feel what is going on for me, and then I start asking myself what this is about? I start delving into the dynamics of this idea? I explore different thought patterns I have around this, and different feelings that arise from these situations in my life. As I continue to research myself and how control, controls me, I still don’t seem to come up with anything really concrete. There is one thing, and that is; when I decide to go away, I need a proper bag to carry things that I would like to have with me, this meaning larger, but easy to carry. I also need to have a crate so that I may carry my heavier items, such as my juicer. As I experience this I feel a sense of a little more ease when I think of going away. So what I am concluding with is, is some thought around what I require to make my stay a nice one, and once I have that information then I would require containers to put my things in to bring with me. So I feel like I am not completely addressing my solution of this at this moment. I am going to do some more writing around this, and more exploration into myself around this meaning of control. I feel like I am missing a higher resolution in this exploration of control. More to come…
What is control?
What does it mean to have control?
When I think of my meaning of the word control; I imagine tightness, never making a mistake, always being somewhere on time; if not early, doing all things my way, the right way, the way that works for me, not being open to others ideas, concepts, and creativity. When something doesn’t go as planned then anger is there and bitterness, a pissed off at the world comes and stays with me. I also experience only being open to what already feels comfortable for me, not willing to try a different way of cooking something; is an example, not being open to thinking that someone else could do a job that I have control over. So when I looked up the word control on the on-line dictionary, this is the meaning I found,
1. To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over, direct.
2. To adjust to a requirement; regulate: controlled trading on the stock
market; controls the flow of water.
3. To hold in restraint, check: struggled to control my temper.
4. To reduce or prevent the spread of: control insects; controlled the fire by dousing it with water.
n.
1. Authority or ability to manage or direct: lost control of the skidding car; the leaders in control of the country.
2.
a. One that controls; a controlling agent, device, or organization.
b. An instrument or set of instruments used to operate, regulate, or guide a machine or vehicle. Often used in the plural.
3. A restraining device, measure, or limit; a curb: a control on prices; price controls.
4.
a. A standard of comparison for checking or verifying the results of an experiment.
b. An individual or group used as a standard of comparison in a control experiment.
5. An intelligence agent who supervises or instructs another agent.
6. A spirit presumed to speak or act through a medium.
Reading the meaning of the word I start to envision confinement, something that has a lid on it, something that leaves no room for expansion. As I sit with this word I start to feel tight, rigid, tension builds, and I begin to connect with a sense of “I don’t like how I feel when I step outside of my control walls.” Many questions are here right now around this very authoritive word. So could I have a different meaning of the word? Or could I interpret the word differently than how I am registering it in my mind? The more I read over the meanings of the word I begin to think that in some circumstances there is a need for control. For example when a fire catches in a home, there is a need to control it, and put it out. So how do I determine what is mine to control and what isn’t?
I was planning to go away this thanksgiving weekend to a friends place near by. When I began to notice myself thinking of going away I became agitated, uptight, cranky, and flustered. I allowed myself to be with this and began to dissect how I was feeling a little more. As I sat with this longer I realized that I was painting a picture already of leaving with all my stuff that I need every day to be in control of my life on a daily basis. There was anger around having to pack all my stuff with me to go and visit someone who lives just across town. I juice every day, so that would mean bringing my very heavy juicer, all the fruits, and vegetables with me for 4 days, books to read, my journal, my address book, my housecoat, all my bathroom stuff, and clothing (I am a woman who dresses depending on the mood I am in that day) which means trying to plan what kind of mood I will be in for the next four days. The thought of even trying to estimate what kind of mood I would be in left me feeling really angry. The more I experienced these emotions the more I thought, “This is not working for me.” I began to imagine myself at my friends with very little, no juicer, only a couple of items to wear, no bathroom stuff, not even my toothbrush. The more I thought of this the angrier I got, and the less I wanted to bring, and then I thought, “FUCK IT !! I DON’T EVEN WANT TO GO!” I realized that I had made a commitment to my friend that I wasn’t prepared to break, and so I had to find a resolution for my dilemma. I packed very little, a hairbrush, my housecoat, my journal, my appointment book, a movie, and my slippers and a way I went. As I stayed with her, I noticed myself dis-connecting so that I wouldn’t be feeling the emotions that were trying to barge out of me. The more I couldn’t fight the emotions the more I became connected, and the more I became agitated with my circumstance. The more I became agitated the less I enjoyed being out, and away from my home. Even the simplest of tasks, like cooking breakfast for my daughter became really frustrating, as I couldn’t find what I needed, what I was use to having at home in a particular place, always ! Thank god for my journal, because this is what came on the 2nd day,
Anger building….
What is this?
An anger of things out of place….
The oil I need isn’t here….
My clothing isn’t here….
My shoes aren’t here….
My juicer isn’t here…..
My life as I know it isn’t as it should be,
Needs to be….
I need to have order….
Without order I fall apart…..
I become all the things that I can’t be….
All the things I can’t be, all the things I don’t want to be…..
All the things I have worked hard to become,
Slip from my grasp,
From my fingertips,
From my CONTROL !!
Why do I need this control of my life?
If there is no control - There is no order !
With no order I become out of control.
So how does one find a balance in this place of control, and giving up parts of it? As I explore this more I am left with, if it weren’t for the intense emotion around this aspect of control there would not be this need within myself to want to change it. So I conclude that I am approaching a change about how I see control in my life.
If one lets go of the actual meaning of the word, control, and just allows life to take its natural path what would that mean?
Something is coming to me when I think of my concept of control; I wonder if it’s about letting go of it. The more I investigate this irritating power I realize how it blankets my whole entire life. Every avenue I become familiar with I see how control is already present. Then I experience an emotion which is either positive, or there is a sense of agitation if it isn’t as I expected it should be, or has been. So out of habit, something occurring time after time, and all of a sudden it now forms into control. The words come to me so often, “Well it was like this before, I want it to be like this now.” Or there is the, “I was getting used to this being this way, and now things have changed.” So there is an experience of something new, and I experience a thought, and feeling that tells me, “I don’t want to experience this right now, and I don’t want to handle this at this moment.” But there I am in this moment experiencing it with thoughts, and emotions and this intensity of anger, frustration, and severe agitation. So what do I do? Well I allow myself to feel what is going on for me, and then I start asking myself what this is about? I start delving into the dynamics of this idea? I explore different thought patterns I have around this, and different feelings that arise from these situations in my life. As I continue to research myself and how control, controls me, I still don’t seem to come up with anything really concrete. There is one thing, and that is; when I decide to go away, I need a proper bag to carry things that I would like to have with me, this meaning larger, but easy to carry. I also need to have a crate so that I may carry my heavier items, such as my juicer. As I experience this I feel a sense of a little more ease when I think of going away. So what I am concluding with is, is some thought around what I require to make my stay a nice one, and once I have that information then I would require containers to put my things in to bring with me. So I feel like I am not completely addressing my solution of this at this moment. I am going to do some more writing around this, and more exploration into myself around this meaning of control. I feel like I am missing a higher resolution in this exploration of control. More to come…