10_letters prompt #9 - Escape
Becca,
I don't know where to start. I don't even know why I'm writing this when I can just as easily say it. Or maybe I can't, maybe my head won't let me say these words like my head hasn't let me say other, just as important words in the past. It was only meant to be a random encounter, a night of sex, pure and simple with no complications, no feelings, no thoughts just sex. And it was, it was a fantastic night, one of the best I've had in a long time... I knew the moment I gave my name to you that there was something different about you, something thing different about this, whatever this is. I don't usually give my name, I seldom take people back to the van now; bathroom stalls, back alleys it's all the same to me, a fuck is a fuck. That's all it is, that's all it ever was and all I thought it ever will be. I guess I was wrong, but I can honestly say I don't mind being wrong this time.
Wow, I actually wrote a paragraph and I'm still writing shit down. Impressive. For you see, actually letting people in is extremely difficult for me, nigh on impossible. You told me I was running, and maybe I am, maybe we're all running, the band and I. The amount of time we spend flitting from place to place, bar to bar, gig to gig, woman to woman, it's just how it is...well you know how it is and that's why I think I get on so well with you. Because you understand what it's like to live this life, to be how I am, to try and forget... keep moving, always moving on.
I keep trying to put into words the effect that whatever this...this is between you and I because I think it went past being just a casual fuck a little while ago because whilst the attraction is most definitely there it feels different somehow, confusing and overwhelming but different I think I love you and I'm still trying to work it out. There's a lot of things that I'd like to say, but I just can't put them into words. I'd like to say how you give me a strange kind of peace. Not a total peace because I don't think there's anything in this world that could give me that kind of peace and believe me I've tried most of the drugs that tis world has to offer to no avail, but it is a peace none the less. You give me a feeling that starts in the pit of my stomach and... I don't know how to describe it, I don't, maybe in time I will but for now...
I'd like to say that you know what it's like to disappoint your parents, when you try you hardest to be what they want you to be even though you find out so early on that it's never going to happen because you're not of the same stock. Sure you might be blood, but your spirit...your spirit is wrong. So you call out for something, anything that quietens or makes it louder, or makes you think, or speak or makes you STOP these things...you find anything that fills the time because you know you're fucking up yet there's no handholds to stop you falling further and further down into that pit of no return, and oh my fucking God this sounds emo. It's not MEANT to be emo...see why I never write anything down? Grar.
I'm just a Muggle, a pathetic Muggle and you're a Witch and you could have anything you want so why me? Why this drug addict wannabe rock star who doesn't know his ass from his elbow most of the time? Who spends so much of his life completely oblivious to what's around him? Maybe it's because I know what it's like to spend your life running away from something and that something...you don't actually know what that something is...and whether it's actually yourself that you're running away from in the end.
Anyway, I've probably bored you to tears so I'll end it here.
Yours for as long as you can deal with me,
Caz.