Confused
Do you ever just feel nervous and anxious and a little sad about something? That's how I feel right now. I don't even know why. Maybe it's the whole Easter coming up thing.. Easter is never happy at our house anymore. Not since my grandma died on Easter in 1998. I'll never forget that day. Worst day of my life. I still can't believe she's gone. Almost 5 years later and I still expect to see her at family gatherings and stuff. It's hard to believe someone who was so special and loved can just be gone one day. It's not fair. Why her? She had such a hard life, always fighting to live... up to the day she died. WHY? It's not fair that God took her. We still need her here. I need her... more than people know. Maybe I didn't deserve another day with her... I'm selfish as itis... not even visiting her grave all these years..and why? Because I'm scared. Once I go there, I know that that's it.... it'll for once be REAL. NO more wishing and pretending or expecting. I'll be standing above her body, and I dont know if I can do it. I want to... so badly. But what if I cant? I dont even know what cemetary shes at. Im such a selfish idiot. How can I not know these things? I truly feel that I disappointed her. I'm a failure... I suck at everything. Nothing I do, say, or think is ever right or good or helpful. For once, I'd like to be able to show people that I CAN do something.... She was the only one who ever believed in me. I don't even believe in myself... I miss her. So much. It hurts. Terribly. Nobody knows how much. I think as soon as I find out where she is buried, I'm going to drive out there... I don't know if I can or should do this alone though. I don't want to take my friends... I don't want them seeing me like that... fragile and breaking. I dont want anyone seeing me like that... but if I go alone, I might not be able to leave her.... Gah I'm crying. I shouldnt even be writing this... Maybe I'll make this a private entry... I dont know what to do anymore. I just want to be at peace with her death and stop hurting. I want to understand why God chose her. I want too much....