(no subject)
This post has been cooking in my head for some time. Today though brought it to the surface and so here it goes.
Since my grandfather passed away this last August, my thoughts have drifted to death and mortality. Death has always terrified me, I remember coming to my father when I was about 10, bawling because I was scared to die. I don't remember much, but I do remember that whatever he said comforted me and I wish I could remember those words now. While I fear my own death, others' death brings much more dread to my heart.
As I have gotten older, I first noticed I was reaching a stage in my life where friends and peers were getting married and/or having kids. I know see that death is a more common acquaintance as well. Over the last twelve months, I've lost four people that I cared about. Until now, death only touched me with distant relatives and pets. Now I have a high school mentor, my great-grandmother, my grandmother, and a friend/peer to add to the list.
Today I came to the department after class, to get my mandatory cup of coffee for work. As I passed the front counter, I saw an article with my friend's face on it. Thinking it was nothing more than that, I read it, until realizing otherwise. With my knees weak and nauseous, I walked numbly down the hallway, feeling lost. A lecturer I know saw me and realized I read it. He kindly told me that he was reserving a van for students to go to the funeral. I stumbled through some response and wandered to the place that used to bring comfort and a homey feeling. It's the place I went to for a break-up, among other things. Yet, due to noise and more talk of the death, it gave me little comfort. Leaving, I called a friend, trying to find some kind of comfort. After a decent cry and some reflection, I then went up to the department's kitchen, avoiding the article with my eyes. I stayed there until class, sipping coffee and flipping through magazines and trying to do some math proofs. Work was the last thing on my mind.
Anyway, my reaction is one of many I'm sure. Who I'm the most concerned with is his family. I cannot imagine what they must be going through. My heart and thoughts are with them.
While these were events of today, they tie to what I've been thinking about for some time. Life is too short to worry about what people think or to be timid. I myself have wasted 20 years of my life worrying about what others thought. I have also not taken proper preparation for my death. I've been thinking of a will and today has jump-started this endeavour. While the State has allowed me to go to school thanks to their loans, my loved ones are the ones who've made my life worth living and I want them to have the few possessions I have. I also don't want a lot of money wasted on a funeral and burial. That money is for the living, I'll be dead so I don't care. Heck, I don't care now. I'll be happy if someone bothers to show up to my funeral and if I'm not alone when I die (my greatest fear).
The biggest thing for me is that I want people to know how much I love and care about them. Love in not so much a romantic sense, more of a caring, friendly way is what I mean. So, I'm going to hug a lot more and tell people how much I care. Life's too short for anyone to wonder about that.
Since my grandfather passed away this last August, my thoughts have drifted to death and mortality. Death has always terrified me, I remember coming to my father when I was about 10, bawling because I was scared to die. I don't remember much, but I do remember that whatever he said comforted me and I wish I could remember those words now. While I fear my own death, others' death brings much more dread to my heart.
As I have gotten older, I first noticed I was reaching a stage in my life where friends and peers were getting married and/or having kids. I know see that death is a more common acquaintance as well. Over the last twelve months, I've lost four people that I cared about. Until now, death only touched me with distant relatives and pets. Now I have a high school mentor, my great-grandmother, my grandmother, and a friend/peer to add to the list.
Today I came to the department after class, to get my mandatory cup of coffee for work. As I passed the front counter, I saw an article with my friend's face on it. Thinking it was nothing more than that, I read it, until realizing otherwise. With my knees weak and nauseous, I walked numbly down the hallway, feeling lost. A lecturer I know saw me and realized I read it. He kindly told me that he was reserving a van for students to go to the funeral. I stumbled through some response and wandered to the place that used to bring comfort and a homey feeling. It's the place I went to for a break-up, among other things. Yet, due to noise and more talk of the death, it gave me little comfort. Leaving, I called a friend, trying to find some kind of comfort. After a decent cry and some reflection, I then went up to the department's kitchen, avoiding the article with my eyes. I stayed there until class, sipping coffee and flipping through magazines and trying to do some math proofs. Work was the last thing on my mind.
Anyway, my reaction is one of many I'm sure. Who I'm the most concerned with is his family. I cannot imagine what they must be going through. My heart and thoughts are with them.
While these were events of today, they tie to what I've been thinking about for some time. Life is too short to worry about what people think or to be timid. I myself have wasted 20 years of my life worrying about what others thought. I have also not taken proper preparation for my death. I've been thinking of a will and today has jump-started this endeavour. While the State has allowed me to go to school thanks to their loans, my loved ones are the ones who've made my life worth living and I want them to have the few possessions I have. I also don't want a lot of money wasted on a funeral and burial. That money is for the living, I'll be dead so I don't care. Heck, I don't care now. I'll be happy if someone bothers to show up to my funeral and if I'm not alone when I die (my greatest fear).
The biggest thing for me is that I want people to know how much I love and care about them. Love in not so much a romantic sense, more of a caring, friendly way is what I mean. So, I'm going to hug a lot more and tell people how much I care. Life's too short for anyone to wonder about that.