(no subject)
Ok so i've done some SERIOUS reflection lately (lately meaning today) and i'm really not happy with myself. i know blah blah blah, that's everyone's story at one point or another, but this is specific.
Last night Trish and I went and rocked Jake's party at Lisa's...there's this guy who was there who i work with...i've known a bit that i have some sort of small little stupid crush on him - i act like a complete idiot around him, i just want to insert my foot in my mouth pretty much every shift we work together - but i thought it was just whatever. Then i guess something just clicked that i realized, shit, i actually LIKE this guy. i respect him...he is interesting on a lot of different levels..he cracks my shit up nonstop...he actually DANCED with me for just a minute (and had rythym). this is the type of person who is good for me to be around...but instead of being MYSELF, i've been a stupid flirt who's only tactics have been to basically pick on him and be a bitch. i'm scared shitless to fucking like a guy. i really just can't deal with it. i learned a long time ago that it's much easier for the timebeing to just be in control of my life by never giving in to emotions. noone can reject me or hurt me if i don't let myself get into them. guys can either be my good friends, or good fucks...
But the truth is, i'd rather not be that way...of course i want to meet someone who i just really enjoy my time with them...where we just get into good conversations that are beautiful and that challenge my mind...i would love to be with someone and not want to be with anybody else - that type of person who just makes me, happy. someone i can do little things for them that show that i pay attention (like finding an old jersey for their favorite sports team at a thrift store...stupid, but i would do it for this guy, he flipped about el's cubs shirt). now though, i've fallen into such a pattern of being the overpowering wham-bam-thank-you-man type, that when i do come across people that could be more, i ruin my chances.
Don't get me wrong, i will never regret any of my one night stands, short-lived flings, and everything else i've done. it's FUN. but i want more. i haven't 'dated' someone who really got to me, in a long fucking time.
So with this guy...it came up in conversation that he's kind of dating a girl (MY FUCKING LUCK)...and then trish did some digging and found out that he's got that one girl, and apparently two other girls 'on the backburner'...and that he actually did like me a little or something, but 1. i'm always mean to him (he knows i'm joking i thought!) 2. i'm not his type (that phrase should be banned from being used - it's such a bullshit vague thing to say)...yet he says he likes his girls to be'unique' and 'different'. i'm confused.
it's stinging a lot more than it should about this whole thing. i had no idea an ending like this would affect me so much. but it's not just him that bugs me. it's me. i'm fucking stupid, i'm lonely and it's my own fault. if everyone else can get girlfriends/boyfriends...and i used to be able to, what am i doing differently?
ARRRGHHH!!
fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Last night Trish and I went and rocked Jake's party at Lisa's...there's this guy who was there who i work with...i've known a bit that i have some sort of small little stupid crush on him - i act like a complete idiot around him, i just want to insert my foot in my mouth pretty much every shift we work together - but i thought it was just whatever. Then i guess something just clicked that i realized, shit, i actually LIKE this guy. i respect him...he is interesting on a lot of different levels..he cracks my shit up nonstop...he actually DANCED with me for just a minute (and had rythym). this is the type of person who is good for me to be around...but instead of being MYSELF, i've been a stupid flirt who's only tactics have been to basically pick on him and be a bitch. i'm scared shitless to fucking like a guy. i really just can't deal with it. i learned a long time ago that it's much easier for the timebeing to just be in control of my life by never giving in to emotions. noone can reject me or hurt me if i don't let myself get into them. guys can either be my good friends, or good fucks...
But the truth is, i'd rather not be that way...of course i want to meet someone who i just really enjoy my time with them...where we just get into good conversations that are beautiful and that challenge my mind...i would love to be with someone and not want to be with anybody else - that type of person who just makes me, happy. someone i can do little things for them that show that i pay attention (like finding an old jersey for their favorite sports team at a thrift store...stupid, but i would do it for this guy, he flipped about el's cubs shirt). now though, i've fallen into such a pattern of being the overpowering wham-bam-thank-you-man type, that when i do come across people that could be more, i ruin my chances.
Don't get me wrong, i will never regret any of my one night stands, short-lived flings, and everything else i've done. it's FUN. but i want more. i haven't 'dated' someone who really got to me, in a long fucking time.
So with this guy...it came up in conversation that he's kind of dating a girl (MY FUCKING LUCK)...and then trish did some digging and found out that he's got that one girl, and apparently two other girls 'on the backburner'...and that he actually did like me a little or something, but 1. i'm always mean to him (he knows i'm joking i thought!) 2. i'm not his type (that phrase should be banned from being used - it's such a bullshit vague thing to say)...yet he says he likes his girls to be'unique' and 'different'. i'm confused.
it's stinging a lot more than it should about this whole thing. i had no idea an ending like this would affect me so much. but it's not just him that bugs me. it's me. i'm fucking stupid, i'm lonely and it's my own fault. if everyone else can get girlfriends/boyfriends...and i used to be able to, what am i doing differently?
ARRRGHHH!!
fuck fuck fuck fuck.