Getting tired of bitching, but then my mother throws another fast one...
It never ceases to amaze me that with only one phrase that she thinks she is making in passing, my mother can ruin my entire evening.
It also causes me some amazement that the mere mention of money by my mother makes me tense up.
I am not a high maintenance person whatsoever. That's my sister. (who, btw, got a 700 DOLLAR DIGITAL CAMERA and an iPhone for Christmas. Just, god, my parents, honestly? I know she's the baby, but HONESTLY?! She's a bitch. This is a well known fact. If it was left up to Santa, she would have probably gotten coal.) (It also doesn't help that I got her a $50 bottle of perfume either, but I like giving good gifts that people actually want. The fact that she's Jacquie honestly doesn't have anything to do with it, aside from the fact that this WOULD be the cheapest thing she wanted. I was kicking myself when I was getting it too, and did so again Christmas day. I just love how my dad, who bought her the camera, is making her transition into the real world so much easier. The day she starts complaining about bills and money, is the day I relish to tell her to shut up and deal like the rest of us.) I don't really need a whole lot to get by. I live off my meal plan as much as I can when I'm at school, I don't spend money on a lot of small things except the rare coke from a machine, I don't buy a lot of makeup by any standards, I practically NEVER buy new clothes, and the only things that constitute as luxuries in my budget is gas, the occasional book or CD, and sushi when I'm home. Sushi's honestly the only one that is a real luxury, as it's fairly expensive on my budget. But still, that's it, and that's only when I come home, which is maybe two times in Spring semester.
But $100 a month is fucking too much (or rather not nearly enough).
My mother apparently was told this brilliant idea by an adviser at Tulane University in New Orleans when she was college shopping with Jacquie, and, as per usual, she latched on to it like a leech. She hasn't seriously considered it yet, but I can tell she's thought about it (because she mentioned it, and how all the conversation leading after she said that could be referenced to it, and I wasn't real helpful with getting her off the topic because I started using the rest of the conversation to reference it because of the sick feeling in my stomach). There are just, so many things wrong with this.
One, who's the douche-bag anyway!? God, the only POSSIBLE reason that I can think of why he said that is because he's seen too many kids coming into college who have no conception of money and had well off parents at home who spoiled them and threw their money away on booze. Granted, there are probably a few people who could use a $100 allowance (my sister), but could you SPARE THE REST OF US?! The best that could be used for is as a real-world lesson, the one you stop when they get the picture. Because dragging it on honestly wouldn't be healthy.
Number two is what really concerns me about this, is that if I only had a $100 to spend, I would be worried about money near CONSTANTLY. Which I understand is hardly an abnormal state, but not a condition that I wish to experience because my mother is cheap. I KNOW what money means. Believe me, I have an idea. Maybe not a full one yet, but already better than some (I wish my sister would stop acting like we are upper class and can infinitely afford all her things. Like Stanford.) I also have the idea that I'm going to experience being short of cash plenty after I graduate from Troy, and I would like to put that off for as long as possible. It's not like getting an English major is a window of opportunity under any circumstances, and certainly not in this economy.
Which is another thing: because if she changes it and I don't like it, there's a good chance I wouldn't be able to just say "fuck you" and be done with it. I think after maybe a month of that and I would start looking for a job. And it's highly unlikely that that would work. Because I live in a fucking college town, where everyone has the exact same idea. In a poor economy. THERE'S NOTHING. And not just that, if I did manage to find something, I would have to juggle both work and school, while school alone lately has been enough to keep me occupied near constantly.
And that's not a big problem where douche-bag adiviser lives either! Because a city has public transportation. Outside of big cities in the US there is almost no easy public transport, and you're literally better off owning a car that you can only use a little than trying to make it work otherwise. And if you have the car paid for, like me, it might even be cheaper (certainly less internal screaming). I can't see that that would be an issue in New Orleans, where you could probably walk and take the bus wherever you needed to go. Not so in goddamn rural southern Alabama. I know half of my expenses are just gas money, the most of which I use going the 150 miles home. On a $100 allowance, I would go NOWHERE, not when it takes $50 to fill my tank. I wouldn't even be able to go the 30 miles to Ozark, the nearest town that contains a friend I stay with sometimes, on that budget. Let alone if I need something really quickly. Groceries can cost me from $25 to $60 just buying essentials like a little food, drink, and batteries. $100 dollars wouldn't last me at all, useless I was really fucking lucky that month. I would like to ask who has been feeling that lucky, to know you could survive off a hundred dollars no problem.
And just forget about going home completely.
Maybe I'm being a bit dramatic because it's not like I could die because of it (maybe) but I would certainly be fucking miserable. I'm getting upset just thinking about it. And that would be the real cost of the thing. Not because my mother can't ordinarily afford the $300 a month I'm getting right now (not including holidays. I got nothing for December).
I was going to spend some time writing tonight because I felt pretty good and the mood seemed right for it. It's not easy for me to write when I'm upset, mostly because I just spend it stewing and getting more upset. Wordsworth speaks more truly for me in that respect when he said in regards to writing poetry that it was "the recollection of emotion in tranquility." And I am not tranquil now, not when I'm tired and emotionally not ready to discard what my mother said. So, I have my mother to thank for this entry, because when I can't write objectively, and my mother being a suggestive bitch isn't enough to tell someone about it, I come on here to vent. And this is why all my entries are emo.