XMAS...blah
This time of year, while cheery and hopefully for some, has turned out to be the worst time of year for me. I am a self-appointed Grinch, spewing my wrath on the masses. While a part me feels bad about this, especially since the last thing I want to do is make Christmas less happy for my friends and what family I have left, another part of me just doesn't care anymore.
This year is proving to be especially difficult. Tomorrow marks one year since my parents divorce was final. Christmas Eve will be one year since my brother started his downward spiral of seizures, alcohol, hospital stays, depression, etc. Christmas Day will have zero tradition left in it as I will be home alone, Mom is working, brother will be with his fiance's family, sister is not coming home from Colorado and other family seems to be non-existent. I have no funds this year to do my usual spoiling of friends while friends insist on spoiling me and I hate that depressed/resentment/failure feeling. And speaking of tradition, the nail in the coffin so to speak was when Mom insisted on getting a fake tree this year. As long as I can remember we've ALWAYS had a real tree, it was a thing we did as a family. Go somewhere and cut one down. Then it turned into "my job" but more so I decided to keep it going and went and got one by myself or had a friend help just to keep that one bit of tradition alive. We didn't have a tree last year and this year, well, I guess you can say I gave up. I have no motivation to argue anymore. Nothing against people who have always had fake trees, ours looks decent I guess, it's just not the same.
SO, this has been my mood for the past month or so. It's GREAT to be so miserable on the inside but keep that smile going on the outside. (please note sarcasm) I just want it to be over. Bring on the new year...but then again that opens up even more issues. Never ending!
I will be happy eventually...
This year is proving to be especially difficult. Tomorrow marks one year since my parents divorce was final. Christmas Eve will be one year since my brother started his downward spiral of seizures, alcohol, hospital stays, depression, etc. Christmas Day will have zero tradition left in it as I will be home alone, Mom is working, brother will be with his fiance's family, sister is not coming home from Colorado and other family seems to be non-existent. I have no funds this year to do my usual spoiling of friends while friends insist on spoiling me and I hate that depressed/resentment/failure feeling. And speaking of tradition, the nail in the coffin so to speak was when Mom insisted on getting a fake tree this year. As long as I can remember we've ALWAYS had a real tree, it was a thing we did as a family. Go somewhere and cut one down. Then it turned into "my job" but more so I decided to keep it going and went and got one by myself or had a friend help just to keep that one bit of tradition alive. We didn't have a tree last year and this year, well, I guess you can say I gave up. I have no motivation to argue anymore. Nothing against people who have always had fake trees, ours looks decent I guess, it's just not the same.
SO, this has been my mood for the past month or so. It's GREAT to be so miserable on the inside but keep that smile going on the outside. (please note sarcasm) I just want it to be over. Bring on the new year...but then again that opens up even more issues. Never ending!
I will be happy eventually...