BITCH SLAP
I'm recovering.
Working for my dad has always been a pain but over the 11 years I've been at this job we have gotten closer and I've even had a little fun, as much as that pains me to admit. The shit talking, the laughing, making random videos of his craziness, all helped me pass the time.
That's all gone.
Ever since the divorce was put into play my mood at work has done a 180 and hasn't looked back. No more fun, no more laughs, no more crazy videos, nothing. We talk about work related material but when personal stuff like "what are you doing this weekend" or "dad, something else broke at the house" comes up I actually cringe and knots form in my throat and stomach because I don't want to talk to him about it. I feel like he's lost that privilege, at least for now, or that's how I'm justifying my reactions anyway.
Yesterday was a bad day. I started work at 7:30am and by 8:00 I was crying. I was up in the office, making copies, his cell phone rang and he answered it "good morning hun" and proceeded to talk like a love struck ass, laughing and smiling and discussing the day, all while I was no more than 5 feet away from him. Instant anger, instant knots, instant headache. I started humming to myself so I wouldn't hear his voice but then just decided to leave the papers and go back to my office. That's when I lost it, well as much as I would allow myself to, can't show weakness especially not at work but with a slap in the face like that it's hard to hold back a reaction.
Inconsiderate much? I mean I know he's entitled to be happy but damn! I'm sure he thinks that because he sees me everyday, because I don't talk about it all, that I've become complacent and can handle shit like that in stride. Wrong! And I know it's partly my fault for not voicing my unhappiness but expressing my emotions has never been my strongest suit. He should just know, he should use better judgment, common sense would apply here! And this isn't the first time, it's happened before when I've walked in on him on his cell, grinning up a storm and talking like a high schooler lookin' to score. It's getting harder and harder to breathe...thank you Maroon 5 for that lyric.
In addition to that mess, I'm also struggling with the notion of his side of the family being totally cool with this situation, the divorce I mean. With the exception of my aunt and one cousin, none of them have even tried talking to me or my mom. We had to cancel our annual family get together in which we honor the memory of my Grams and Gramps because he decided it would be a great idea to bring his new woman to this event. Thankfully my aunt had enough sense to ask my sister and I how we'd feel about that, our reaction was something along the lines of "that's bullshit, she's not family, it's too soon, we won't stay if she's around, etc". Can you blame us? Seriously, is he THAT stupid to think it would be a good idea to introduce the chick a couple months after he left us? The dinner was canceled but then another cousin made other plans for a "casual pizza play date to honor our annual family day" or some shit like that. We didn't go. He did and he took her and her two kids. I know this because there was an email on his computer, which I had to fix, from said cousin with pictures of that day. Pictures of him and her laughing with my family, of her holding my cousin's kids, of her kids playing with their kids, all smiles, all cheery. I don't get it, I really don't. We're still part of their family even though their brother/uncle decided to start a new family, but it's like they're forgetting about us in record time.
I focus most of my energy on making my mom laugh and smile, that's my job. Her and I are taking care of the house and I'm taking care of her sanity. She won't know about any of this because I don't want to bring her down, this is about me venting so I can get it off my chest. I will continue on, smiling and doing that thing I do, even if I'm dying inside. I just wish it wasn't so damn hard.
Working for my dad has always been a pain but over the 11 years I've been at this job we have gotten closer and I've even had a little fun, as much as that pains me to admit. The shit talking, the laughing, making random videos of his craziness, all helped me pass the time.
That's all gone.
Ever since the divorce was put into play my mood at work has done a 180 and hasn't looked back. No more fun, no more laughs, no more crazy videos, nothing. We talk about work related material but when personal stuff like "what are you doing this weekend" or "dad, something else broke at the house" comes up I actually cringe and knots form in my throat and stomach because I don't want to talk to him about it. I feel like he's lost that privilege, at least for now, or that's how I'm justifying my reactions anyway.
Yesterday was a bad day. I started work at 7:30am and by 8:00 I was crying. I was up in the office, making copies, his cell phone rang and he answered it "good morning hun" and proceeded to talk like a love struck ass, laughing and smiling and discussing the day, all while I was no more than 5 feet away from him. Instant anger, instant knots, instant headache. I started humming to myself so I wouldn't hear his voice but then just decided to leave the papers and go back to my office. That's when I lost it, well as much as I would allow myself to, can't show weakness especially not at work but with a slap in the face like that it's hard to hold back a reaction.
Inconsiderate much? I mean I know he's entitled to be happy but damn! I'm sure he thinks that because he sees me everyday, because I don't talk about it all, that I've become complacent and can handle shit like that in stride. Wrong! And I know it's partly my fault for not voicing my unhappiness but expressing my emotions has never been my strongest suit. He should just know, he should use better judgment, common sense would apply here! And this isn't the first time, it's happened before when I've walked in on him on his cell, grinning up a storm and talking like a high schooler lookin' to score. It's getting harder and harder to breathe...thank you Maroon 5 for that lyric.
In addition to that mess, I'm also struggling with the notion of his side of the family being totally cool with this situation, the divorce I mean. With the exception of my aunt and one cousin, none of them have even tried talking to me or my mom. We had to cancel our annual family get together in which we honor the memory of my Grams and Gramps because he decided it would be a great idea to bring his new woman to this event. Thankfully my aunt had enough sense to ask my sister and I how we'd feel about that, our reaction was something along the lines of "that's bullshit, she's not family, it's too soon, we won't stay if she's around, etc". Can you blame us? Seriously, is he THAT stupid to think it would be a good idea to introduce the chick a couple months after he left us? The dinner was canceled but then another cousin made other plans for a "casual pizza play date to honor our annual family day" or some shit like that. We didn't go. He did and he took her and her two kids. I know this because there was an email on his computer, which I had to fix, from said cousin with pictures of that day. Pictures of him and her laughing with my family, of her holding my cousin's kids, of her kids playing with their kids, all smiles, all cheery. I don't get it, I really don't. We're still part of their family even though their brother/uncle decided to start a new family, but it's like they're forgetting about us in record time.
I focus most of my energy on making my mom laugh and smile, that's my job. Her and I are taking care of the house and I'm taking care of her sanity. She won't know about any of this because I don't want to bring her down, this is about me venting so I can get it off my chest. I will continue on, smiling and doing that thing I do, even if I'm dying inside. I just wish it wasn't so damn hard.