The truth is rarely pure and never simple...
I just wanted to say that I need to express my feelings… although; I understand that the subject material might make some people uncomfortable or offended. However, it’s not my place to take care of other people’s reaction to my own healing process. This is my journal and my own outlet to communicate my feelings and it’s also a means to see how I’m progressing.
Thank you for understanding.
Yesterday I had the opportunity to speak to a registered nurse about my miscarriage. Whenever I allow the feelings to surface about the miscarriage I usually end up becoming depressed or very anxious. I now understand that denial is your body’s defense mechanism to pain. However, the negative side to that is that if you don’t tackle the sadness head on, the longer it takes to properly heal. I realize that I made that mistake and I’m paying for it now.
The nurse that I spoke to was very helpful and understanding. I thought she was more amiable then most (usually medical professionals keep their space because they can’t let their emotions interfere with their work). Despite that, I appreciated her disposition. She was the second nurse to confirm to me that if I regressed to a normal period after the event, that there is no need to be alarmed and that it doesn’t hinder me from having children in the future. Obviously, I told her that if there were any negative signs like fever, continued blood loss, dizziness etc I would’ve admitted myself into the emergency. She said that the causes for very early miscarriages are still not entirely known (as most early miscarriages go unnoticed as a late, heavy and painful period). Although she said it could be genetics, chromosomal, hormonal or that there wasn’t proper bonding to the uterus.
I told her that if I didn’t test myself, I wouldn’t be going through this emotional and mental nightmare. But of course, she said that I can’t think like that and by the fact that I’m in counseling and surrounding myself in other supportive environments that I’m taking the right steps to learn how to properly manage my sadness. I can’t let it get the best of me.
The anxiety is very difficult to deal with although; I know what triggers the attacks: seeing a new born, young children who have similar features as me or just obsessing over the event over and over again. I usually end up crying so hard that I can’t catch my breath, and sometimes get sick to my stomach. Then I fall asleep for a while because it can be draining on my body.
Like I said before, I’m doing everything that I can to elevate the pain and learn how to better manage my feelings.
This will take time…