One day at at time...
This journal entry is something that I need to do for myself.
In order for me to heal as best as I can, the truth must be accepted on my part.
Seven months ago, I got pregnant. When I missed my period for three weeks, I knew something had changed. This was confirmed by two positive home pregnancy tests. To be completely honest, I was really happy and scared at the same time because we all know that children are a major responsibility. A couple of days later, I experienced something that affected me and still affects me emotionally and mentally. I bled and bled with clots for about two days. Physically, it was a painful experience and emotionally, it was a terrible experience when I had tested myself again and came out negative ( both times ).
It was clear to me that I had an early miscarriage. ( Thus far, I’ve spoken to a few people in the medical field informally about what happened, and they said with everything that I described, I had a miscarriage ).
Despite the information about miscarriages being relatively common and that some women don’t know that they are even experiencing a miscarriage, it doesn’t change the fact that I still feel guilty, ashamed and disheartened about what happened. First I was in a state of shock before I went into deep denial about the event.
At the time, I couldn’t admit or accept that I was the one who was responsible for the loss of life. It was easier to say I had an abortion (since that’s what Demetrios and I discussed if we ever got pregnant). I guess that was an “out” because that way I didn’t have to come to terms with the fact that my body rejected something so precious.
I am sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to accept or admit the truth.
In retrospect, it is really easy to say that you’re going to have an abortion before you start to connect with the life you have created. The feelings of love and protection hit you out of nowhere, it’s almost instantaneous. I now understand and am more sensitive to the fact when soon to be mothers speak about the immense amount of love they hold for their child.
Now that I am coping with the miscarriage, I’m feeling the sadness that I should’ve been feeling for the last seven months. The more I open up, the less alone I feel. When I’m ready to open up to my parents, of course they will be upset and sad… but I know they’ll be supportive of me. I've started to see a counsellor, and when I go back to school this year, there might be a women’s centre that I can drop in to. In the next few days, I should also make an appointment for a physical to make sure there is nothing wrong with me medically. I hate getting tests done, I get so nervous…
I just have to take this one day at a time.