new mom advice sucks, more at 11
I've slowly come to realize over the years that I am... different.
I've been trawling the Internet, wondering how many other new moms took only 4 weeks off after having a kid. Most women take at least 6 weeks. I'm reading on places that people have taken 3 whole months and want more. Then I ask myself: am I mad because I think they're lazy, selfish individuals, or is it because I only allowed myself to have 4 weeks that I am upset?
Because that's the crux of it right there. I allowed myself to have 4 weeks. Many people questioned my decision. Why not take at least 6? Why go back to school immediately? Why work again so soon? Why do you want to do this to yourself? Can you handle it?
The answer is yes, I can handle it. I'm pulling straight As in school and the only things that are suffering are my practice, my eating, and my sleeping.
The big question is why do I want to do this to myself? What is it about me that makes me kill myself with work? Do I enjoy it? I do, actually. I like being busy. But I also enjoy being lazy and spending the entire day, unfettered, with my kid, or playing World of Warcraft, or puttering about on the Internet. Such a strange dichotomy, isn't it? I keep asking myself why I keep doing this. What is it that I have to prove to myself and others about my capacity for work? Do I need to prove to my teachers and peers that I am capable of handling a load like this? Am I pushing my boundaries just because I can, and I want to know what my breaking point is? Am I punishing myself out of some kind of deep-seated loathing, some feeling that I will never be good enough?
I've had a low self-esteem most of my life, and even though I know I can rock it the fuck out over many subjects I still manage to disparage myself quite a bit. I feel that somehow people think that I am not doing enough, I guess, or that I am not up to their standards. I'm working, I'm going to school full-time, I've got an 8-week-old newborn at home and I am breastfeeding him exclusively. Is that not enough for me? Do I need to only be sleeping 2 hours a night again to feel fulfilled, like my last semester of undergrad when I was so swamped with work and grief that I cracked? Was that my idea of a good time, something I can brag about? Is this really one big "I am better than all of you"?
The thinking is that I'm an average person, and if I can do it, anyone else can, too. But I eventually have to come to terms with the fact that I'm not average. I can function on less sleep than most. I can function on less food. After two days with no sleep I am still relatively alert and sharp. I multitask like a fiend. And I have no emotions.
You see, on my first day back at work and school, I didn't cry.
The websites advising me to take it easy, to ease back into things, not to go off on my own and not take care of everything myself after such a short maternity leave (6 weeks, ha, I only got 4), to keep the new mom friends, they're all wrong. I don't know how to do anything at less than 100%. Also, I have no friends. That's kind of sad to see written out, actually... Sleep when the baby sleeps? No way. Too much to do. And now, I need to make breakfast and start researching my paper before Rowan wakes up, Brian gets home, and my practice begins.
I've been trawling the Internet, wondering how many other new moms took only 4 weeks off after having a kid. Most women take at least 6 weeks. I'm reading on places that people have taken 3 whole months and want more. Then I ask myself: am I mad because I think they're lazy, selfish individuals, or is it because I only allowed myself to have 4 weeks that I am upset?
Because that's the crux of it right there. I allowed myself to have 4 weeks. Many people questioned my decision. Why not take at least 6? Why go back to school immediately? Why work again so soon? Why do you want to do this to yourself? Can you handle it?
The answer is yes, I can handle it. I'm pulling straight As in school and the only things that are suffering are my practice, my eating, and my sleeping.
The big question is why do I want to do this to myself? What is it about me that makes me kill myself with work? Do I enjoy it? I do, actually. I like being busy. But I also enjoy being lazy and spending the entire day, unfettered, with my kid, or playing World of Warcraft, or puttering about on the Internet. Such a strange dichotomy, isn't it? I keep asking myself why I keep doing this. What is it that I have to prove to myself and others about my capacity for work? Do I need to prove to my teachers and peers that I am capable of handling a load like this? Am I pushing my boundaries just because I can, and I want to know what my breaking point is? Am I punishing myself out of some kind of deep-seated loathing, some feeling that I will never be good enough?
I've had a low self-esteem most of my life, and even though I know I can rock it the fuck out over many subjects I still manage to disparage myself quite a bit. I feel that somehow people think that I am not doing enough, I guess, or that I am not up to their standards. I'm working, I'm going to school full-time, I've got an 8-week-old newborn at home and I am breastfeeding him exclusively. Is that not enough for me? Do I need to only be sleeping 2 hours a night again to feel fulfilled, like my last semester of undergrad when I was so swamped with work and grief that I cracked? Was that my idea of a good time, something I can brag about? Is this really one big "I am better than all of you"?
The thinking is that I'm an average person, and if I can do it, anyone else can, too. But I eventually have to come to terms with the fact that I'm not average. I can function on less sleep than most. I can function on less food. After two days with no sleep I am still relatively alert and sharp. I multitask like a fiend. And I have no emotions.
You see, on my first day back at work and school, I didn't cry.
The websites advising me to take it easy, to ease back into things, not to go off on my own and not take care of everything myself after such a short maternity leave (6 weeks, ha, I only got 4), to keep the new mom friends, they're all wrong. I don't know how to do anything at less than 100%. Also, I have no friends. That's kind of sad to see written out, actually... Sleep when the baby sleeps? No way. Too much to do. And now, I need to make breakfast and start researching my paper before Rowan wakes up, Brian gets home, and my practice begins.