My Soul is Crushed ....
I was going to make a happy update about the general goings on in my life but it all kind of came crashing down on me this week.
My boyfriend Adam died unexpectedly on Thursday night in NJ while I've been here in NH. I am suspecting an accidental overdose. This is not an official reason but I have my reasons for thinking this. My summer has been very dark and filled with drama and I've been keeping it very tightly under raps but cats out of the bag now. He was discovered after failing to wake up from a nap. He died extremely peacefully in bed.
This was an accident and ironically it was not planned in any way. After all 36 suicide attempts he finally gave up on the desire for death and was looking towards the future. We have been having a lot of turbulence this summer and he was currently in the process of turning a new leaf with himself. He applied to UCC the day before. He bought a domain name for generating more clients for his audio work. He was 6 months sober from alcohol and was starting to clean his studio (which was a literal nest of computer gear). He was pledging sobriety from other drugs he was abusing in hopes to win me back after I basically walked out on him for fear the recreation of his usage was becoming a habit. Now I am not so sure if I was being lied to about that.
There are many layers and sordid details of all of this and I'm not entirely sure if I'm comfortable sharing them with the world right now. I've been keeping things really quiet out of embarrassment and shame for subjecting myself to such an unhealthy relationship. My love for him was extremely strong despite his shortcomings and volitile behavior. I am beginning to open up to people about my private turmoil ..but on an individual basis. Some of these details will become less important than they've been.
Adam was a very troubled individual I adored. I saw through all his chaos and wanted nothing more than to enjoy myself with him, and for him to find happiness and share it with me. I knew there wasn't going to be a future between us, but I never thought things would end this way despite his nearly daily threats of harm on himself. He had many talents and things to offer the world, and always wanted to help others despite his own problems and be liked. He fundamentally meant well but he was very unstable and had a terrible difficulty functioning like a normal healthy person. This frustrated him terribly. He never really wanted to hurt me or treat me poorly...it was something he couldn't seem to help. Adam suffered a tremendous amount and was constantly trying to escape the distorted realities of his mind and body, and the true realities he was unable to face. He has finally achieved peace in a way, literally as soon as he was willing to accept life as it was dished out to him.
It's all a big mess right now. I'm having trouble finding words. I've been receiving an incredible outpouring of support and condolences already. I've sort of taken a liking to only updating my life via facebook these days so whoever only stays in touch with me through this, I'm sorry for not mentioning this sooner. I've been a walking disaster since I received the news so I've been kind of been doing anything that feels right at that moment.
My heart is broken. It's been broken for a long time and over and over again. Now it's over.
No more pain. At least for him. Mine is only continuing.
My boyfriend Adam died unexpectedly on Thursday night in NJ while I've been here in NH. I am suspecting an accidental overdose. This is not an official reason but I have my reasons for thinking this. My summer has been very dark and filled with drama and I've been keeping it very tightly under raps but cats out of the bag now. He was discovered after failing to wake up from a nap. He died extremely peacefully in bed.
This was an accident and ironically it was not planned in any way. After all 36 suicide attempts he finally gave up on the desire for death and was looking towards the future. We have been having a lot of turbulence this summer and he was currently in the process of turning a new leaf with himself. He applied to UCC the day before. He bought a domain name for generating more clients for his audio work. He was 6 months sober from alcohol and was starting to clean his studio (which was a literal nest of computer gear). He was pledging sobriety from other drugs he was abusing in hopes to win me back after I basically walked out on him for fear the recreation of his usage was becoming a habit. Now I am not so sure if I was being lied to about that.
There are many layers and sordid details of all of this and I'm not entirely sure if I'm comfortable sharing them with the world right now. I've been keeping things really quiet out of embarrassment and shame for subjecting myself to such an unhealthy relationship. My love for him was extremely strong despite his shortcomings and volitile behavior. I am beginning to open up to people about my private turmoil ..but on an individual basis. Some of these details will become less important than they've been.
Adam was a very troubled individual I adored. I saw through all his chaos and wanted nothing more than to enjoy myself with him, and for him to find happiness and share it with me. I knew there wasn't going to be a future between us, but I never thought things would end this way despite his nearly daily threats of harm on himself. He had many talents and things to offer the world, and always wanted to help others despite his own problems and be liked. He fundamentally meant well but he was very unstable and had a terrible difficulty functioning like a normal healthy person. This frustrated him terribly. He never really wanted to hurt me or treat me poorly...it was something he couldn't seem to help. Adam suffered a tremendous amount and was constantly trying to escape the distorted realities of his mind and body, and the true realities he was unable to face. He has finally achieved peace in a way, literally as soon as he was willing to accept life as it was dished out to him.
It's all a big mess right now. I'm having trouble finding words. I've been receiving an incredible outpouring of support and condolences already. I've sort of taken a liking to only updating my life via facebook these days so whoever only stays in touch with me through this, I'm sorry for not mentioning this sooner. I've been a walking disaster since I received the news so I've been kind of been doing anything that feels right at that moment.
My heart is broken. It's been broken for a long time and over and over again. Now it's over.
No more pain. At least for him. Mine is only continuing.