Finals....returning to the shire.....xmas......update.
well...finals were really hardcore. I've only got the final grades from half my classes. SO far its looking less than my best. Many factors explain that....and they don't exactly have to do with chasing boys. much of it had to do with the type of class at what time they were and the subject matter. I have come to realize that I am becoming less and less capable of taking liberals, since they demand a different part of my brain than my core classes. I am becoming more and more about the hands on....project route than the paper and test taking route. I have done noticeably worse in those types of classes than the ones that actually have to do with my major.
Does any of this matter in the long run? No....my GPA has little meaning in an interview. My projects and the samples of my work mean more. As well as my networking. Nevertheless, the As turning to B+'s bother me. Especially when I was predicting such an easy semester.
A lot more was demanded of me in my personal life. There were few people to really support me emotionally as I have grown accustomed to. There was no one to sit in the stairwell at 4 in the morning and ball your eyes out to cause something was a 1/2 inch off. A lot of this semester taught me to suck most of my pride and frustrations up and just deal. Although my room mates will prolly argue, I spent a lot of this semester trying to cope internally. What I sibjected them to was just the surface fluff, which hopefully by the time I go back, will be swallowed whole and disposed of in a similar fashion...to save everyone I come in contact with the agony.
Finals this go around....as with every go around, was a time for me to just....simply give up on being human. Having wants or desires for sleep, food, human contact....sometimes even emotions...which in many ways I felt liberated. That nothing but my work and what the time on the clock said mattered. It was so simple.
I always feel a level of invincibility after these semesters end. The fact that I didn't huck myself out a window or sew my fingers together or even manage to complete everything that was expected of me just gives me a morbid sense of pride. That I truly earned what I created.....even if my profs. think it's a piece of shit. That I gave up everything and gave it all to what I hand in to them. ON Time or close to it. I sold my soul to my work....isn't that what is expected of me anyway?
Since I am incapable of truly being affiliated with normal society, that I am destined for it anyway?
All of it is in a desperate attempt to keep it all together really. I try to explain it's the small things that really hold me together and it's perfectly true. Feeding squirrels in the park, a phone calls at 2am, baking muffins, an amusing remark to be immortalized on a wall....these small things make me human....make me sane a certain percentage of the time.
It is after the semi annual experience of finals at FIT, I find myself home trying to regroup from it all....trying to come to grips with my life and trying to ....."fix" what is wrong with it. Trying to build myself back up from whatever I had lost about myself over my time at school....whether it's the battle of the bulge, or my sense of humor....or my ability to grieve over the loss of my father. I try to reserve this time to regroup and assess. So far with this winter break...things haven't been going all that well honestly.
I've managed to lose weight, but not in the ways I was trying to teach myself to. I've manged to have an amazing time but not without the aide of substances to distract me from the harsh reality that I face this time of year. I find this go around much more difficult than last year.
Much of that has to do with my lack of support from a significant other. I have those who hold a significance in MY life....but how much I really weigh in theirs is rather questionable. I'm sure most of it is assumed that any of it has any weight. And yes that hurts..but then again, I turn around and do the same out of shear spite/frustration to others. The whole thing is just absurd. Sucking myself inward and hiding from it all was incredibly fulfilling and distressing at the same time. I really don't know how people do it.
I find this to be an issue that has plagued me my whole life. That I am simply too intense in some way that I become intolerable. I have learned over time that just retracting from everyone and everything seems to be the most effective way to regain a level of balance.....but somehow I don't think thats how it's supposed to go.
I just know I am going through yet another cycle of grief and bereavement that nobody can fix or solve for me but myself, no matter how much or however I want them to. I am unable to rely on anyone truly and I must stand alone, and only take he fact that nobody will be there to hold me and tell me it's going to all be ok (and mean it) for granted. Even remotely believing otherwise is simply a joke.
I feel pieces of me dying every day. And in some sick way I am beginning to look forward to the time when I feel nothing at all. I fucking hate Christmas. Nothing is the same without him. It's too quiet without his guitar........
Does any of this matter in the long run? No....my GPA has little meaning in an interview. My projects and the samples of my work mean more. As well as my networking. Nevertheless, the As turning to B+'s bother me. Especially when I was predicting such an easy semester.
A lot more was demanded of me in my personal life. There were few people to really support me emotionally as I have grown accustomed to. There was no one to sit in the stairwell at 4 in the morning and ball your eyes out to cause something was a 1/2 inch off. A lot of this semester taught me to suck most of my pride and frustrations up and just deal. Although my room mates will prolly argue, I spent a lot of this semester trying to cope internally. What I sibjected them to was just the surface fluff, which hopefully by the time I go back, will be swallowed whole and disposed of in a similar fashion...to save everyone I come in contact with the agony.
Finals this go around....as with every go around, was a time for me to just....simply give up on being human. Having wants or desires for sleep, food, human contact....sometimes even emotions...which in many ways I felt liberated. That nothing but my work and what the time on the clock said mattered. It was so simple.
I always feel a level of invincibility after these semesters end. The fact that I didn't huck myself out a window or sew my fingers together or even manage to complete everything that was expected of me just gives me a morbid sense of pride. That I truly earned what I created.....even if my profs. think it's a piece of shit. That I gave up everything and gave it all to what I hand in to them. ON Time or close to it. I sold my soul to my work....isn't that what is expected of me anyway?
Since I am incapable of truly being affiliated with normal society, that I am destined for it anyway?
All of it is in a desperate attempt to keep it all together really. I try to explain it's the small things that really hold me together and it's perfectly true. Feeding squirrels in the park, a phone calls at 2am, baking muffins, an amusing remark to be immortalized on a wall....these small things make me human....make me sane a certain percentage of the time.
It is after the semi annual experience of finals at FIT, I find myself home trying to regroup from it all....trying to come to grips with my life and trying to ....."fix" what is wrong with it. Trying to build myself back up from whatever I had lost about myself over my time at school....whether it's the battle of the bulge, or my sense of humor....or my ability to grieve over the loss of my father. I try to reserve this time to regroup and assess. So far with this winter break...things haven't been going all that well honestly.
I've managed to lose weight, but not in the ways I was trying to teach myself to. I've manged to have an amazing time but not without the aide of substances to distract me from the harsh reality that I face this time of year. I find this go around much more difficult than last year.
Much of that has to do with my lack of support from a significant other. I have those who hold a significance in MY life....but how much I really weigh in theirs is rather questionable. I'm sure most of it is assumed that any of it has any weight. And yes that hurts..but then again, I turn around and do the same out of shear spite/frustration to others. The whole thing is just absurd. Sucking myself inward and hiding from it all was incredibly fulfilling and distressing at the same time. I really don't know how people do it.
I find this to be an issue that has plagued me my whole life. That I am simply too intense in some way that I become intolerable. I have learned over time that just retracting from everyone and everything seems to be the most effective way to regain a level of balance.....but somehow I don't think thats how it's supposed to go.
I just know I am going through yet another cycle of grief and bereavement that nobody can fix or solve for me but myself, no matter how much or however I want them to. I am unable to rely on anyone truly and I must stand alone, and only take he fact that nobody will be there to hold me and tell me it's going to all be ok (and mean it) for granted. Even remotely believing otherwise is simply a joke.
I feel pieces of me dying every day. And in some sick way I am beginning to look forward to the time when I feel nothing at all. I fucking hate Christmas. Nothing is the same without him. It's too quiet without his guitar........