New Beginnings...?
So in a strange turn of events I find myself another conquest. Which really freaks me out cause I still have some residual feelings for the FIRST one...and am not completely clear if that whole deal is over yet.
I find myself in a strange position. One I never thought I'd get myself in. Feeling almost like I'm cheating on someone I am not even dating. Even though I haven't even fucked the new one.....yet. I'm holding off on that for now.
I feel like this new one is moving very very fast, and as much as I'm craving some serious boot knockin....I really don't want it to end up like how the first one has. This weird awkwardness of me getting completely infatuated and having them lose interest and giving the WORST excuses to not date me...but will fuck me. Will not answer my phone calls....but will IM me...and call me at 4am after BLOCKING me for like a week just to say hi......out of guilt? I don't even know anymore, my patience is wearing thin with that. I don't like assuming anything. I need to be told flat out and clear...sometimes more than once. I exaggerate a lot of minor details when I get really interested or obsessive. I like to know what is illusion and what is reality....often.
I don't really know what to do. This new one is really starting to grow on me. I really want him to like me. Except I'm really good at embarrassing the shit out of myself...like...constantly. We are still in the "getting to know you phase", so it's hard to tell certain things, like how much of an idiot I appear to him. I love how I can fake my confidence. I really have very little. I'm always myself, it's just more like performing or role playing.....as myself. I feel like he knows that....he can read me like a book it's kinda scary.
I'm hoping this time things will end up better than before. I feel like it has potential to be, since we met before we knew a ton about one another. I feel like last time with having to wait a month and a half before actually meeting built up too much anticipation in both of us, and he just got bored with me as soon as we finally fucked....I was acting too much like a girlfriend after there was nothing left to learn about me.
I can't believe how stupid all this is. I can't understand why I'm compelled to play these stupid games. I'm not bored...I have plently of work to do and lots of friends who care about me. I don't understand why I just can't be satisfied with that. I constantly crave stability and simplicity in my life...but on the other hand I just bring on the complication, and I can't seem to make myself stop. I hate it.
It felt so good having another body in my bed. I missed it more than I can even describe. There isn't anything that could be better....well..almost anything. People are like drugs to me.