Kids and Crohn's/Colitis
I hope this post doesn't offend anyone. I think it might, and that may be why I've not seen this discussed since I've been part of this community (a few years), but is something I'm really curious to find out other people's perspectives, especially those who've gone through it.
So I'm 33, married for 3 years and about to move to the suburbs,. Next step, kids - right?
Maybe. We're the married couple without kids, not relating to singles, not relating to fellow marrieds, 90% of which are utterly focussed on their new baby. I should follow suit I guess, that's nature.... So why do I feel so conflicted? - Guilt. The knowing that my genes are screwed up and my having kids would be potentially passing my problems onto someone I'd love so much. There's the maths I remember from school, that in theory I've a 25% chance of giving my kid Crohn's, 50% they'll be a carrier of my iffy genetic makeup, and 25% they'll get away with it. That's a 75% chance I'll either give my kid Crohn's, or their kids later on in life. How could I even possibly consider causing them that amount of pain and horror to go though - after all, you always want better for your kinds than what we went though ourselves…. I got Crohn's at 12, had a very horrible decade with it before a resection op, and watched guilt eat away at my mum. Crohn's is rife in our family, an Irish family with lots of kids = lots of Crohn's. But she didn't know she would pass it on to me when she had kids, and when I was a horribly ill teenager, full of angst at the world, if I'd have known she was aware she could have given me Crohn's, I would have been a little brat, full of "I hate you, how could you do this to me?" angst. Some people get depressed with Crohn's, I get angry.
How can I then turn around 20 years later, thinking about how it's now natural to want kids and understanding how biological clocks and getting married affects decision making - when there's still no cure, or in my view, any decent treatment. In the UK I'm taking the exact same medicine I took as a kid. To qualify for Infliximab - Remicade's poor cousin, you have to go through every other treatment first - and I'm not going back on steroids ever again if I can help it. Crohn's treatment has not advanced anywhere near as fast as I hoped it would do.
Right now I'm consumed with the idea that if my kid did get sick, I'd be consumed by guilt and our relationship would disintegrate. I also think that until the kid got sick, i'd have the paranoia in the back of my mind, constantly. I'd be over reacting about every stomach ache, making sure they avoid milk and plastic shower heads, and feel guilty the whole way along. But again - that's just me, based on how I was as a bratty & sick teen, and maybe once you have kids the good feelings overwhelm the bad.
Then a few years ago a female crohnie friend told me something her doctor said: that Crohn's DNA is only passed on genetically through females. Has anyone else heard / read this? In my family it's certainly true - although the males have passed on IBS and celiac disease. Does that make it alright? I see those as easy problems, nothing too difficult to manage as long as you stick to a diet - but that's again my skewed perspective and people who have it I'm sure feel it sucks lots. Now that same friend is having her first baby and I feel very conflicted about it all. The bit i've been concerned about writing: If I am honest I see that as selfish.
So. Is this just me? Am I simply thinking in such guilty terms because my mum reacted that way? Should we pass on our genes knowingly, or is that wrong? How do you feel - I'm really interested in people who have kids and whether the fear of them getting sick is constantly in the back of their mind or not. Once again - I don't mean to offend anyone with kids - I'd just like to talk about it and to understand some other people's perspectives, so I can get my own head straight on this matter.
So I'm 33, married for 3 years and about to move to the suburbs,. Next step, kids - right?
Maybe. We're the married couple without kids, not relating to singles, not relating to fellow marrieds, 90% of which are utterly focussed on their new baby. I should follow suit I guess, that's nature.... So why do I feel so conflicted? - Guilt. The knowing that my genes are screwed up and my having kids would be potentially passing my problems onto someone I'd love so much. There's the maths I remember from school, that in theory I've a 25% chance of giving my kid Crohn's, 50% they'll be a carrier of my iffy genetic makeup, and 25% they'll get away with it. That's a 75% chance I'll either give my kid Crohn's, or their kids later on in life. How could I even possibly consider causing them that amount of pain and horror to go though - after all, you always want better for your kinds than what we went though ourselves…. I got Crohn's at 12, had a very horrible decade with it before a resection op, and watched guilt eat away at my mum. Crohn's is rife in our family, an Irish family with lots of kids = lots of Crohn's. But she didn't know she would pass it on to me when she had kids, and when I was a horribly ill teenager, full of angst at the world, if I'd have known she was aware she could have given me Crohn's, I would have been a little brat, full of "I hate you, how could you do this to me?" angst. Some people get depressed with Crohn's, I get angry.
How can I then turn around 20 years later, thinking about how it's now natural to want kids and understanding how biological clocks and getting married affects decision making - when there's still no cure, or in my view, any decent treatment. In the UK I'm taking the exact same medicine I took as a kid. To qualify for Infliximab - Remicade's poor cousin, you have to go through every other treatment first - and I'm not going back on steroids ever again if I can help it. Crohn's treatment has not advanced anywhere near as fast as I hoped it would do.
Right now I'm consumed with the idea that if my kid did get sick, I'd be consumed by guilt and our relationship would disintegrate. I also think that until the kid got sick, i'd have the paranoia in the back of my mind, constantly. I'd be over reacting about every stomach ache, making sure they avoid milk and plastic shower heads, and feel guilty the whole way along. But again - that's just me, based on how I was as a bratty & sick teen, and maybe once you have kids the good feelings overwhelm the bad.
Then a few years ago a female crohnie friend told me something her doctor said: that Crohn's DNA is only passed on genetically through females. Has anyone else heard / read this? In my family it's certainly true - although the males have passed on IBS and celiac disease. Does that make it alright? I see those as easy problems, nothing too difficult to manage as long as you stick to a diet - but that's again my skewed perspective and people who have it I'm sure feel it sucks lots. Now that same friend is having her first baby and I feel very conflicted about it all. The bit i've been concerned about writing: If I am honest I see that as selfish.
So. Is this just me? Am I simply thinking in such guilty terms because my mum reacted that way? Should we pass on our genes knowingly, or is that wrong? How do you feel - I'm really interested in people who have kids and whether the fear of them getting sick is constantly in the back of their mind or not. Once again - I don't mean to offend anyone with kids - I'd just like to talk about it and to understand some other people's perspectives, so I can get my own head straight on this matter.