Going to start posting again
I'm not sure if anyone reads this, but I don't think it really matters. What does matter is that I document my life and I talk about what's going on. So I've decided to pass the time and get some feelings out there I will try to update more often.
Tony and Me
Our marriage is going rather well actually. The first year was probably one of the worst I've had, but it wasn’t necessarily due to being married or being married to Tony. First the melding of two lives together is a rather interesting task to accomplish. Secondly, during the first year I was going through a lot myself. To put it mildly, I wasn't feeling too well. I also wasn't really sure what I was doing with my life. I got into the Entreprenuership program, which is part of the whole reason for going to the U of A, but with the way I was feeling physically I didn't think I could handle it, so I gave up on that dream. Then I had dropped my double major in Poli-Sci because of the same reason. I had tried to get a job, which didn't work out either. Looking back, the good part was that I was making some lifelong friends in college, I was learning a lot (about myself and through school), I was married to the person I knew I was meant to be with, and I was skinny. Those are all good things. About 10 months into our marriage we started attending a small young marrieds group at our new church and I would say that was probably the turning point for us. Not to say that the young marrieds group at the Assembly was bad, it was actually great, and we made some lasting friendships through that as well. I think that the timing of us joining the new group was right for us. Our marriage and relationship has grown tremendously in the past year. We understand each other, we talk to each other, we comfort each other, we encourage each other, but most of all, we love each other. Of course we have our differences, but they no longer hinder our relationship. The best thing we’ve done in a while is to make a budget and actually stick to it. We’re actually saving money! The thought of how much we could have saved in the past makes me almost sick, but at least we’ve gotten things under control now and we can move forward.
Baby
I’ve been off of birth control since Feb 2007. We actively tried for about 3-4 months then decided to just go with the flow for a few months. Since Sept 07 we’ve been actively trying again. This time we upped the odds with a Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor, Preseed, and Instead Cups. It’s been quite an experience I must say, much like a roller coaster. We’ll keep trying and as soon as I get insurance, I’ll be heading to a fertility specialist to see if there’s anything going on in there, anything at all. Tony will get insurance in June and then guess what he gets to do?! That’s right, give samples into little cups! I’ve wanted a baby very badly for about 2 years. I knew that I wouldn’t magically get pregnant on the first try (like in Juno), but that didn’t stop the glimmer of hope from rising up inside of me anyway. Before we started trying it was easier because then everyone around me could get pregnant and I could think, ‘wow what fun that must be, that will be me in a little while.’ As the months drag on, of course, I notice the pregnant ladies a lot more than before. They seem to be everywhere I turn, swarming around me like a thousand bees, ready to sting. The lady serving my orange chicken last night laughed to a friend and warmly rubber her protruding belly. She was just doing what was natural, the exact same thing I would do if I were pregnant, but I’m not. Instead the gentle stroke of her hand on her unborn child made me wonder, ‘will I ever get to that point? Will I ever feel the excitement of that moment?’ And the answer is, I don’t know. No matter what the outcome of this adventure, I do know one thing for sure, I will be a mother. Someday and somehow I know that God will bless me with a child, so for now I will try not to worry. It’s far easier said than done, believe me.
Me
So in May I weighed 135 lbs. That’s what I’ve weighed since I was about 16. Then by September I weighed 165 and I’ve stayed right around there ever since. In 3 months I gained 30 lbs and about 20 lbs of that is all in my stomach. So on top of not being pregnant, I appear to be about 5 months along. There is no explanation to the rapid and sudden weight gain, none at all. I stopped taking my medications thinking they may have caused it, no change. I don’t eat junk food anymore, I drink only diet caffeine free soda, and I exercise 5-6 days a week (most of the time walking 2.5 miles a day). All this, and not one hint of weight loss. So I just don’t know what else I can do. I’m miserable because I beat myself up every day about eating anything at all. Not to mention the rare occasions when Tony and I decide to buy a soda at a restaurant or the movies and it’s not diet, I mean, I could almost cry thinking about all the sugar I just took in. I went through all my clothes a few days ago. Yes, the thousands of dollars I spent on clothes, clothes, and more clothes in high school has all been wasted. It was spent on absolute junk that I will probably never be able to wear again. About 10% of my clothes are left in my closet, most of which are maternity clothes that I bought hoping I would be pregnant by now. Instead of being with child, I’m fat and wearing maternity clothes to hide it. Well isn’t that irony for you! When I get insurance I am going to get to the bottom of this, this is not right nor is it natural and it will be stopped.
Tony and Me
Our marriage is going rather well actually. The first year was probably one of the worst I've had, but it wasn’t necessarily due to being married or being married to Tony. First the melding of two lives together is a rather interesting task to accomplish. Secondly, during the first year I was going through a lot myself. To put it mildly, I wasn't feeling too well. I also wasn't really sure what I was doing with my life. I got into the Entreprenuership program, which is part of the whole reason for going to the U of A, but with the way I was feeling physically I didn't think I could handle it, so I gave up on that dream. Then I had dropped my double major in Poli-Sci because of the same reason. I had tried to get a job, which didn't work out either. Looking back, the good part was that I was making some lifelong friends in college, I was learning a lot (about myself and through school), I was married to the person I knew I was meant to be with, and I was skinny. Those are all good things. About 10 months into our marriage we started attending a small young marrieds group at our new church and I would say that was probably the turning point for us. Not to say that the young marrieds group at the Assembly was bad, it was actually great, and we made some lasting friendships through that as well. I think that the timing of us joining the new group was right for us. Our marriage and relationship has grown tremendously in the past year. We understand each other, we talk to each other, we comfort each other, we encourage each other, but most of all, we love each other. Of course we have our differences, but they no longer hinder our relationship. The best thing we’ve done in a while is to make a budget and actually stick to it. We’re actually saving money! The thought of how much we could have saved in the past makes me almost sick, but at least we’ve gotten things under control now and we can move forward.
Baby
I’ve been off of birth control since Feb 2007. We actively tried for about 3-4 months then decided to just go with the flow for a few months. Since Sept 07 we’ve been actively trying again. This time we upped the odds with a Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor, Preseed, and Instead Cups. It’s been quite an experience I must say, much like a roller coaster. We’ll keep trying and as soon as I get insurance, I’ll be heading to a fertility specialist to see if there’s anything going on in there, anything at all. Tony will get insurance in June and then guess what he gets to do?! That’s right, give samples into little cups! I’ve wanted a baby very badly for about 2 years. I knew that I wouldn’t magically get pregnant on the first try (like in Juno), but that didn’t stop the glimmer of hope from rising up inside of me anyway. Before we started trying it was easier because then everyone around me could get pregnant and I could think, ‘wow what fun that must be, that will be me in a little while.’ As the months drag on, of course, I notice the pregnant ladies a lot more than before. They seem to be everywhere I turn, swarming around me like a thousand bees, ready to sting. The lady serving my orange chicken last night laughed to a friend and warmly rubber her protruding belly. She was just doing what was natural, the exact same thing I would do if I were pregnant, but I’m not. Instead the gentle stroke of her hand on her unborn child made me wonder, ‘will I ever get to that point? Will I ever feel the excitement of that moment?’ And the answer is, I don’t know. No matter what the outcome of this adventure, I do know one thing for sure, I will be a mother. Someday and somehow I know that God will bless me with a child, so for now I will try not to worry. It’s far easier said than done, believe me.
Me
So in May I weighed 135 lbs. That’s what I’ve weighed since I was about 16. Then by September I weighed 165 and I’ve stayed right around there ever since. In 3 months I gained 30 lbs and about 20 lbs of that is all in my stomach. So on top of not being pregnant, I appear to be about 5 months along. There is no explanation to the rapid and sudden weight gain, none at all. I stopped taking my medications thinking they may have caused it, no change. I don’t eat junk food anymore, I drink only diet caffeine free soda, and I exercise 5-6 days a week (most of the time walking 2.5 miles a day). All this, and not one hint of weight loss. So I just don’t know what else I can do. I’m miserable because I beat myself up every day about eating anything at all. Not to mention the rare occasions when Tony and I decide to buy a soda at a restaurant or the movies and it’s not diet, I mean, I could almost cry thinking about all the sugar I just took in. I went through all my clothes a few days ago. Yes, the thousands of dollars I spent on clothes, clothes, and more clothes in high school has all been wasted. It was spent on absolute junk that I will probably never be able to wear again. About 10% of my clothes are left in my closet, most of which are maternity clothes that I bought hoping I would be pregnant by now. Instead of being with child, I’m fat and wearing maternity clothes to hide it. Well isn’t that irony for you! When I get insurance I am going to get to the bottom of this, this is not right nor is it natural and it will be stopped.