Emotions
So today while sitting her waiting for the superbowl to get closer I started watching an anime I really like. The name of it is Kimi ni Todoke. Anyways it got me thinking about my life and my choices, and what I really thought about myself and others. What I came to realize is that... Well I hate myself. I hate my life, and I don't trust many people anymore. It funny that I don't trust anybody, because I cant say no to anybody either. So even if I know they will screw me over I still help them out. Anyways I digress on the subject. I decided to use Livejournal as my personal journal because I have nobody to talk to about my feelings. Knowing somebody out there might read this makes me feel a little better.
I hate myself, and my life! I have no motivation to do anything, or even look for a job. I am kinda waiting for the day for my Dad (he took me in after my brother screwed me over) to kick me out. I think I believe I don't have a right to be helped out. I mean I don't have very many people to turn to anyways. So I am going to tell you all (Whoever you may be) about some of the things that made me turn out the way I am.... Just to get them off my chest.
So when I was in Elementary school my family moved from Virginia to Iowa. Well you know how kids can be to new people. Elementary was't to horrible really. Then I went to Middle school... Well that is when my life started taking a downhill dive. At home I didn't get along with my step Dad. Me and him would bump heads all the time. While my sister could do anything she wanted. If she did something wrong she could just say I did it, and he would believe her over me any day. At school life was much worse. I was a small kid growing up. I hit puberty a bit late. So I was always made fun of by the other students around me. I had maybe 2 friends, but I don't even know if I would call them that. More like I was their follower I guess. I never had any friends over at my house while I was in middle school. I was called gay everyday, and I was very quiet. Middle school was not fun.
Then came high school. I was actually kind of excited about high school. I wanted to make myself new, but alas that wasn't going to happen. I ended up going to school with a lot of the same people, and it got worse. I would have to start finding new ways home everyday so that I wouldn't end up getting beat up. I couldn't talk to women in high school (or even to this day really, and I am 28 now) after this one girl asked me out. You are probably thinking that is a good thing right? Well I thought it was! So I said yes, and then her and her friends proceeded to laugh at me, because I thought she meant it. That one even probably messed me up more then anything else that happened in my life really.
So when at school my life sucked so bad, that when I came home I wouldn't touch my homework. I wouldn't study or anything. I didn't want to think about school. Though back then I was still a very trusting, and a very loyal person (I am still very loyal to friends and family). High school is when I started smoking pot, and you can probably see why I did. It let me feel good even when it felt like my life was shit. By the time I left high school I had no trust in women, and really I don't trust many women still. I can list the women I trust using one hand of fingers. Hell I don't even need the whole hand! They are My sister, my mom and then my friend Angie. The funniest part is I have never met Angie in person! We became friends through online chatting on MSN chats. We were both into role play.
Let me get into better detail about her, because she has helped me more then probably anybody else on this planet. When I say she helped me I don't me with money, or anything like that. But I will get to that in a minute. So anyways, I used to Role Play with her online, and sometimes talk to her late at night about a little bit of personal stuff. It was nice to have somebody to talk to, but sooner or later we just stopped talking. Then in 2002 I joined the Army Reserve. When I got back from training I was deployed after 4 days of being home. Well I hated the middle east, and I was somewhere that was more like a vacation then war! Then one night I was on a computer and I noticed Angie was online. So we got to talking, and I had a good time. Well as time wen't on she always seemed to be on when I was. I was on late at night in the middle east, and it wasn't late where she lived. So I would talk to her about the troubles I was going through over there, and she would listen, and then she would talk to me about her troubles, and I would listen to her. Really she became one of my best friends while I was over there. When I went back home from deployment we stayed in touch, and eventually started dating over the net. That lasted like a year to a year and a half, but in the end I ruined it. I still don't think I have ever truly gotten over her, but alas she married somebody. Though we still remained friends and, I talk to her every so often. She is pretty busy now with School, and I am stuck at home with no motivation. I feel like a loser, but I am so proud of her. Well you could say she is probably my second best friend I have. If not tied for Best friend status. Anyways that is why she is the one woman that is not family I trust.
Since then I have moved around a bit. I joined the Active Army for 3 years, and have met many people. I even made a few friends, but the thing is... non of them really stuck, because they moved or I moved. I would lose contact, and then even forget their names. Its funny that I don't remember many people's names from school or the Army! Well now I am to the point in my life where I am pretty sure I am going to end up alone. One because I don't really trust women, and the other is that all the women that end up liking me are not attractive at all! I am not trying to be mean, but I believe you have to have some sort of physical attraction or it won't end up working out.
Well anyways thanks for reading to those that see this. It helped a little to write this out. I don't know when the next post will be. I will try to keep writing on LiveJournal so everything doesn't get bottled up inside. Just realise anybody who reads this that my posts may not be very happy ones. Thanks for your time...
I hate myself, and my life! I have no motivation to do anything, or even look for a job. I am kinda waiting for the day for my Dad (he took me in after my brother screwed me over) to kick me out. I think I believe I don't have a right to be helped out. I mean I don't have very many people to turn to anyways. So I am going to tell you all (Whoever you may be) about some of the things that made me turn out the way I am.... Just to get them off my chest.
So when I was in Elementary school my family moved from Virginia to Iowa. Well you know how kids can be to new people. Elementary was't to horrible really. Then I went to Middle school... Well that is when my life started taking a downhill dive. At home I didn't get along with my step Dad. Me and him would bump heads all the time. While my sister could do anything she wanted. If she did something wrong she could just say I did it, and he would believe her over me any day. At school life was much worse. I was a small kid growing up. I hit puberty a bit late. So I was always made fun of by the other students around me. I had maybe 2 friends, but I don't even know if I would call them that. More like I was their follower I guess. I never had any friends over at my house while I was in middle school. I was called gay everyday, and I was very quiet. Middle school was not fun.
Then came high school. I was actually kind of excited about high school. I wanted to make myself new, but alas that wasn't going to happen. I ended up going to school with a lot of the same people, and it got worse. I would have to start finding new ways home everyday so that I wouldn't end up getting beat up. I couldn't talk to women in high school (or even to this day really, and I am 28 now) after this one girl asked me out. You are probably thinking that is a good thing right? Well I thought it was! So I said yes, and then her and her friends proceeded to laugh at me, because I thought she meant it. That one even probably messed me up more then anything else that happened in my life really.
So when at school my life sucked so bad, that when I came home I wouldn't touch my homework. I wouldn't study or anything. I didn't want to think about school. Though back then I was still a very trusting, and a very loyal person (I am still very loyal to friends and family). High school is when I started smoking pot, and you can probably see why I did. It let me feel good even when it felt like my life was shit. By the time I left high school I had no trust in women, and really I don't trust many women still. I can list the women I trust using one hand of fingers. Hell I don't even need the whole hand! They are My sister, my mom and then my friend Angie. The funniest part is I have never met Angie in person! We became friends through online chatting on MSN chats. We were both into role play.
Let me get into better detail about her, because she has helped me more then probably anybody else on this planet. When I say she helped me I don't me with money, or anything like that. But I will get to that in a minute. So anyways, I used to Role Play with her online, and sometimes talk to her late at night about a little bit of personal stuff. It was nice to have somebody to talk to, but sooner or later we just stopped talking. Then in 2002 I joined the Army Reserve. When I got back from training I was deployed after 4 days of being home. Well I hated the middle east, and I was somewhere that was more like a vacation then war! Then one night I was on a computer and I noticed Angie was online. So we got to talking, and I had a good time. Well as time wen't on she always seemed to be on when I was. I was on late at night in the middle east, and it wasn't late where she lived. So I would talk to her about the troubles I was going through over there, and she would listen, and then she would talk to me about her troubles, and I would listen to her. Really she became one of my best friends while I was over there. When I went back home from deployment we stayed in touch, and eventually started dating over the net. That lasted like a year to a year and a half, but in the end I ruined it. I still don't think I have ever truly gotten over her, but alas she married somebody. Though we still remained friends and, I talk to her every so often. She is pretty busy now with School, and I am stuck at home with no motivation. I feel like a loser, but I am so proud of her. Well you could say she is probably my second best friend I have. If not tied for Best friend status. Anyways that is why she is the one woman that is not family I trust.
Since then I have moved around a bit. I joined the Active Army for 3 years, and have met many people. I even made a few friends, but the thing is... non of them really stuck, because they moved or I moved. I would lose contact, and then even forget their names. Its funny that I don't remember many people's names from school or the Army! Well now I am to the point in my life where I am pretty sure I am going to end up alone. One because I don't really trust women, and the other is that all the women that end up liking me are not attractive at all! I am not trying to be mean, but I believe you have to have some sort of physical attraction or it won't end up working out.
Well anyways thanks for reading to those that see this. It helped a little to write this out. I don't know when the next post will be. I will try to keep writing on LiveJournal so everything doesn't get bottled up inside. Just realise anybody who reads this that my posts may not be very happy ones. Thanks for your time...