unsettled
on the positive side, my recent mistakes have been mistakes of optimism, mistakes of naivete, mistakes of not letting business be business. Consider me a learned man, if not more than just a little cynical.
on the negative side, this anger is going to consume me if I'm not careful. I am so fucking angry right now, there are no words to adequately express what's going on inside of me. For two and a half years, I made dumb mistakes, things that I should have known better than. I have moved out of the shit, the muck, the pit- use whatever big metaphor you want to describe the sheer idiocy of my actions. But for the last six months or so, I have turned all of that around, I have made positive changes, and I continue to move in the right direction, and the light always gets deceptively closer before someone pulls the rug out from under my feet [I know, that's called mixing metaphors].
I REFUSE to go back to work for a paltry wage, an 8-5 at a bank as a teller, or 5-2 at a coffee shop, or whatever it is that I resent the whole day because I am managed by idiots, and still not making enough money to cover the bills.
I REFUSE to settle for something that I hate, because I can't do a job with any honesty in me if I hate what I'm doing, and to me, that [faking it] shows less integrity than being a guy who does something he loves, even if it takes me awhile to find it.
I REFUSE to let anyone deter me.
I swear if that lady was here right now, it would be world war 4... except that I was the idiot. I gave her control of the event, and she knew what she was doing all along. It makes sense to me now, why she wanted to handle the cash, why it was never a problem when we went out for a meeting, etc. I seriously feel sick to my stomach, but I am also resolute. My problems don't have to control me, and I am not going to compromise this time and go running back to the coffee shop or anything else like that. I'll be brave, I'll be proactive, and I will find a solution.
...hopefully.
on the negative side, this anger is going to consume me if I'm not careful. I am so fucking angry right now, there are no words to adequately express what's going on inside of me. For two and a half years, I made dumb mistakes, things that I should have known better than. I have moved out of the shit, the muck, the pit- use whatever big metaphor you want to describe the sheer idiocy of my actions. But for the last six months or so, I have turned all of that around, I have made positive changes, and I continue to move in the right direction, and the light always gets deceptively closer before someone pulls the rug out from under my feet [I know, that's called mixing metaphors].
I REFUSE to go back to work for a paltry wage, an 8-5 at a bank as a teller, or 5-2 at a coffee shop, or whatever it is that I resent the whole day because I am managed by idiots, and still not making enough money to cover the bills.
I REFUSE to settle for something that I hate, because I can't do a job with any honesty in me if I hate what I'm doing, and to me, that [faking it] shows less integrity than being a guy who does something he loves, even if it takes me awhile to find it.
I REFUSE to let anyone deter me.
I swear if that lady was here right now, it would be world war 4... except that I was the idiot. I gave her control of the event, and she knew what she was doing all along. It makes sense to me now, why she wanted to handle the cash, why it was never a problem when we went out for a meeting, etc. I seriously feel sick to my stomach, but I am also resolute. My problems don't have to control me, and I am not going to compromise this time and go running back to the coffee shop or anything else like that. I'll be brave, I'll be proactive, and I will find a solution.
...hopefully.