Slash fic: Captain Obvious and the Art of Intimidation (3/?)
I'm such a lazy git. I only wrote this one episode of Captain Obvious all weekend, because I was doing such important stuff as sleeping, watching Hugh Jackman have amnesia and be all wolf-like (and I'm seeing a disturbing trend in his film roles), and reading original fic that was really just thinly disguised slash (I'll review it in a seperate post). But I think I might have to write episode 4 this afternoon :)
Title: Captain Obvious and the Art of Intimidation (3/?)
Author: cupidsbow
Pairing: EW/OB, LotR RPS
Rating: M
Warning: This is a work in progress! Also, crack!fic.
Length: 800 words
For: special_trille
Disclaimer: I don’t know any of these people-it’s just a lucid fever-dream.
Summary: In which boxer shorts are very revealing.
*********************
SCENE 3
INT. SEEDY CAFE. EVENING.
Elijah saunters in, looking untidy, and heads for the counter. The inside of the cafe isn't quite as seedy as its exterior--it has a kind of run-down Bohemian charm. The walls are covered with photographs of stage actors, in what are obviously local productions.
There are several customers, some of whom are in the photos. One of the waiters behind the counter, BILLY, nudges the other waiter, DOM, and they both look at Elijah knowingly.
ELIJAH (V.O.)
Believe me, being the love interest is every bit as naff as those screaming heroines make it look.
BILLY
You're late.
ELIJAH
Sorry. There was a whole heap of superhero craziness tonight.
Elijah dumps his back-pack under the counter.
DOM
Course he's late, Billy... he was out riding his hobby horse.
Elijah picks up a black waiter's apron and starts to tie it around his waist. Then has to stop, tuck his shirt in, and re-tie the apron.
BILLY
(with a significant look at Elijah's untucked shirt)
Yeah... you obviously saw some action out there.
DOM
Was it faster than a speeding quicky?
BILLY
(tapping his temple)
More powerful than a bad guy's loco motive?
DOM
Able to reap tall erections with a single frown?
ELIJAH
(unamused)
That's so funny I forgot to laugh.
Elijah grabs an order book and goes out to wait on a regular who has just walked in. Dom and Billy exchange a look.
DOM
You know, I sometimes think it's a good thing Elijah doesn't know Captain Moron's secret identity. We'd never be able to afford the bail money after his repeated arrests for stalking.
BILLY
Yep. That boy seriously needs to get laid.
DOM
Who? Elijah or Captain Moron?
BILLY
(grinning)
Ahuh.
CUT TO the regular, ORLANDO BLOOM, a tall, good-looking guy, with dark curly hair, deep brown eyes, and a glorious tan. He looks just a little bit familiar--the way Captain Obvious would look, if he wasn't a blue-eyed blonde. Orlando's pulling a laptop and a beat-up notepad out of a carry bag.
ELIJAH
Hi. What can I get you today?
Orlando is distracted, setting up his laptop. He doesn't even look at Elijah.
ORLANDO
Just a sec...
Elijah is resigned. He's used to this.
ELIJAH
So how's the writing going?
ORLANDO
Slowly... Can I just have a...
ELIJAH
A latte and a toasted ham, cheese and tomato sandwich.
Orlando does look up at that. He smiles. He's adorable, in a totally clueless kind of way.
ORLANDO
Yeah. Thanks.
Elijah smiles back.
ELIJAH
Any time, man.
For a moment it seems like it's going to happen, they're going to connect, but then Orlando's mobile starts to ring and he breaks eye contact.
Orlando puts his hand into his jacket pocket, but the phone isn't there. He tries the pocket on the other side: no luck. He looks confused.
Elijah's still smiling, heart in his eyes. It's the exact look we saw him give to Captain Obvious in the previous scene.
ELIJAH
Boxer shorts.
Orlando's wearing a "What the fuck?" expression. And for one brief instant there's an "Uh-oh" look on Elijah's face, but then he covers it up with a cocky grin.
ELIJAH
It's where all the hot gay boys are wearing their phones this season.
Orlando looks at Elijah, as though really seeing him for the first time. Then, very slowly and deliberately, he arches his hips up and slides his hand into his pants. Sure enough, when he pulls his hand out, he's holding his phone. Orlando flips it open and presses the On button, and he still hasn't broken eye contact with Elijah.
ORLANDO
Hello?
Whatever is said on the other end isn't good. Orlando frowns and looks away from Elijah, his attention totally on the phone. Elijah looks like he wants to grab the phone and chuck it out the window.
ORLANDO
Don't do anything stupid, Liv! I'll be right there.
Orlando flips the phone shut and starts shoving all the stuff he just set up back into his bag.
ORLANDO
Sorry, I have to cancel my order. Next time, yeah?
ELIJAH
You can leave that stuff here, if you like. I'll make sure it's safe.
But Orlando isn't listening, he's already half-way out the door, and then, as he steps outside, he starts moving just slightly faster than a normal person could.
If Elijah looked upset after Captain Obvious flew off without a word, now he looks like he wants to tear something apart with his bare dick.
ELIJAH (V.O.)
Being the unrequited love interest sucks lemons. But as I'm a non-stereotyped manly gay love interest, I don't get the luxury of screaming in sexual frustration like a bloody heroine would. And frankly, I call that sexual fucking discrimination.
* * *
Title: Captain Obvious and the Art of Intimidation (3/?)
Author: cupidsbow
Pairing: EW/OB, LotR RPS
Rating: M
Warning: This is a work in progress! Also, crack!fic.
Length: 800 words
For: special_trille
Disclaimer: I don’t know any of these people-it’s just a lucid fever-dream.
Summary: In which boxer shorts are very revealing.
*********************
SCENE 3
INT. SEEDY CAFE. EVENING.
Elijah saunters in, looking untidy, and heads for the counter. The inside of the cafe isn't quite as seedy as its exterior--it has a kind of run-down Bohemian charm. The walls are covered with photographs of stage actors, in what are obviously local productions.
There are several customers, some of whom are in the photos. One of the waiters behind the counter, BILLY, nudges the other waiter, DOM, and they both look at Elijah knowingly.
ELIJAH (V.O.)
Believe me, being the love interest is every bit as naff as those screaming heroines make it look.
BILLY
You're late.
ELIJAH
Sorry. There was a whole heap of superhero craziness tonight.
Elijah dumps his back-pack under the counter.
DOM
Course he's late, Billy... he was out riding his hobby horse.
Elijah picks up a black waiter's apron and starts to tie it around his waist. Then has to stop, tuck his shirt in, and re-tie the apron.
BILLY
(with a significant look at Elijah's untucked shirt)
Yeah... you obviously saw some action out there.
DOM
Was it faster than a speeding quicky?
BILLY
(tapping his temple)
More powerful than a bad guy's loco motive?
DOM
Able to reap tall erections with a single frown?
ELIJAH
(unamused)
That's so funny I forgot to laugh.
Elijah grabs an order book and goes out to wait on a regular who has just walked in. Dom and Billy exchange a look.
DOM
You know, I sometimes think it's a good thing Elijah doesn't know Captain Moron's secret identity. We'd never be able to afford the bail money after his repeated arrests for stalking.
BILLY
Yep. That boy seriously needs to get laid.
DOM
Who? Elijah or Captain Moron?
BILLY
(grinning)
Ahuh.
CUT TO the regular, ORLANDO BLOOM, a tall, good-looking guy, with dark curly hair, deep brown eyes, and a glorious tan. He looks just a little bit familiar--the way Captain Obvious would look, if he wasn't a blue-eyed blonde. Orlando's pulling a laptop and a beat-up notepad out of a carry bag.
ELIJAH
Hi. What can I get you today?
Orlando is distracted, setting up his laptop. He doesn't even look at Elijah.
ORLANDO
Just a sec...
Elijah is resigned. He's used to this.
ELIJAH
So how's the writing going?
ORLANDO
Slowly... Can I just have a...
ELIJAH
A latte and a toasted ham, cheese and tomato sandwich.
Orlando does look up at that. He smiles. He's adorable, in a totally clueless kind of way.
ORLANDO
Yeah. Thanks.
Elijah smiles back.
ELIJAH
Any time, man.
For a moment it seems like it's going to happen, they're going to connect, but then Orlando's mobile starts to ring and he breaks eye contact.
Orlando puts his hand into his jacket pocket, but the phone isn't there. He tries the pocket on the other side: no luck. He looks confused.
Elijah's still smiling, heart in his eyes. It's the exact look we saw him give to Captain Obvious in the previous scene.
ELIJAH
Boxer shorts.
Orlando's wearing a "What the fuck?" expression. And for one brief instant there's an "Uh-oh" look on Elijah's face, but then he covers it up with a cocky grin.
ELIJAH
It's where all the hot gay boys are wearing their phones this season.
Orlando looks at Elijah, as though really seeing him for the first time. Then, very slowly and deliberately, he arches his hips up and slides his hand into his pants. Sure enough, when he pulls his hand out, he's holding his phone. Orlando flips it open and presses the On button, and he still hasn't broken eye contact with Elijah.
ORLANDO
Hello?
Whatever is said on the other end isn't good. Orlando frowns and looks away from Elijah, his attention totally on the phone. Elijah looks like he wants to grab the phone and chuck it out the window.
ORLANDO
Don't do anything stupid, Liv! I'll be right there.
Orlando flips the phone shut and starts shoving all the stuff he just set up back into his bag.
ORLANDO
Sorry, I have to cancel my order. Next time, yeah?
ELIJAH
You can leave that stuff here, if you like. I'll make sure it's safe.
But Orlando isn't listening, he's already half-way out the door, and then, as he steps outside, he starts moving just slightly faster than a normal person could.
If Elijah looked upset after Captain Obvious flew off without a word, now he looks like he wants to tear something apart with his bare dick.
ELIJAH (V.O.)
Being the unrequited love interest sucks lemons. But as I'm a non-stereotyped manly gay love interest, I don't get the luxury of screaming in sexual frustration like a bloody heroine would. And frankly, I call that sexual fucking discrimination.
* * *